Just needed to write it down!
I am going ot start this by saying i know I vent a lot on here about my in-laws. Basically if you put in BM for the word in-laws in my situation, I feel maybe people could understand a little more.
SS is in counseling and we are working through some stuff with him specific. He excessive need for attention all the time good or bad attention just attention. I love him do not get me wrong I really do but I am wearing down some days. He is not as bad with his dad with this behavior it is more with me. It becomes so much worse with his aunt or when others are around.
The lying continues just about little things it is not lying about taking his vitamins. Trust me I have no idea why. When his gets caught for one thing he just moves on to the next thing that he can lie about. Yes I have mentioned to the counselor and will mention it again.
These two behaviors of his have been around way before me. So why oh why did none of the 4 adult pick up on it. Why did they not see it or did and just decided to indulge him this whole time. Now it is at the point he just lies without thinking it is an automatic reaction. There is no hesitation.
Why did 4 adults not see how smart he was and focus on that and get him tested in school. Why did they not see he is very intelligent and help him focus that and work with him on it. I feel like he used that intelligence to learn how to get what he wanted when he wanted. Instead of giving him positive outlets for it they just ignored it. They did not communicate with one another. They just let it all go.
All in all he is a goo kid, he does not get in trouble at school, he does not throw fits, he is not violent, he is smart. I just do not understand with 4 adults in a house how could they not notice things and pay attention. They all only cared about giving into his every whim. DH not as much but he s guilty too.
No DH and I are dealing with these behaviors, that while they are not causing any harm, but I feel if we do not get some type of handle on them to help him control these things it will get worse and cause him issues in the future. Especially the lying.
Just frustrated that after almost 2 full years with my and DH we are still having to untangle and work throw so much of the things that was done. Let me tell you if I even mention to his parents or the aunt that they way they did things before has had so much effect on how he is now, I get no you can blame the g-parent or what happened before. I am seen as the bad one. The counselor explained some stuff to me last night that SS is probably struggling with the attention because he went from so much all the time and now it is funneled down to me and his dad and he is trying so hard to squeeze out of us as much attention as he use to get.
I am sorry for the vent and I know it is the same thing as before. I do not really have too many people in my life that get what I am experiencing. Thank you for letting me vent I appreciate it. I am just getting discouraged lately with all that is going on. Being judged so hard, not having any close friends that can relate at all, having a DH who is great but does not understand why sometimes I still feel like an outsider, and dealing with SS behaviors that stem from before me do I feel like I have not control at times.
- AshMar654's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I know how easy it is to
I know how easy it is to blame the in laws for your SS's problems as I did the same silly thing in those early years. I was infatuated with my DH and could not see or accept his flaws.
Grandparents and aunts are supposed to spoil their grandkids and nephews with attention. They are supposed to be the "fun time" relatives. The only person who was supposed to be giving SS rules and consequences and correcting poor behavior was your DH. He is the only one who deserves all of the blame rather than the small portion you generously assign to him.
The sooner you stop thinking of your in laws as the guilty parties, the sooner you will find effective solutions. It all begins and ends with your DH.
I do blame DH trust me I do.
I do blame DH trust me I do. I blame him for putting his head in the sand and not sitting down and talking with his parents about things while he was traveling. I blame him for not correcting behaviors or telling anyone in his family to stop spoiling him. I blame him plenty. He is my husband and he knows how I feel I have never hid that from him. He even admits he made mistakes and is trying really hard to correct it.
My issue with the in-laws is that instead of telling DH no you can not travel for work and you need be here they agreed to take care of SS while he was traveling. This is my opinion on that if they all came to agreement on that and that arrangement they also agreed to parent the child. MIL use to tell me all the time that DH did not raise SS they did. Well if you feel that way than yeah I can lay some blame on them. I also know at some point I have to let it go and just focus on what I have now and help SS moving forward. I am getting there at times.
Thank you I am trying more and more to let it go. It is just hard at times.
I can see your reasoning and
I can see your reasoning and I agree with it somewhat. That's why it is rarely a good idea to have grandparents raising grandkids. Most aren't willing to do the hard parts.
Your DH is an adult
HE should be deciding if his travel is creating problems with his kid. Stop making excuses for him. If he does not grow up, you cannot expect SS to grow up.
He does not travel anymore.
He does not travel anymore. He realized before we got married or even moved in together that he needed to stop traveling. He would need to be there for SS everyday. He did see that him traveling did cause some issues. He stopped and he did grow up. I am not making excuses for him. I do blame him for stuff and have pointed out to him stuff. There is nothing we can do about it now as it was already done. He is trying really hard now to make up for stuff he did.
You have to understand that
You have to understand that trying to point out to DHS's relatives that they 'broke' the kid is not productive? Right? If there are specific things they currently do then your DH should address it with his parents. It is doing your relationship with them no favors to take this on with them directly.
And you need to give them the same forgiveness you have given your dh for being an absent father. He set this all up.
I do not talk to his parents
I do not talk to his parents at all about this stuff. I never mention it to them. I said something once to his sister about something but I was not mean about it but she got super defensive and I never said anything again to her.
I keep a lot of it too myself or vent to my mom or on here. Sometimes I say stuff to DH but I am trying not to as mush as I use to. There is one thing that his sister does that is still not helping. When she is around she still gives into his every single whim. Fine I get it that is the aunts job but he started pouting the one weekend and getting a little pissed because he was not getting exactly what he wanted. So of course she caved and gave him exactly what he wanted. I watched it happen he manipulated her to get what he wanted. She is oblivious to it.
I think I would have an easier time forgiving his family if perhaps they did not super judge me sometimes. I am trying to be better. I am going back to my things that have helped in the past to get my mind clear. I hope it works again.
Let me tell you if I even
Let me tell you if I even mention to his parents or the aunt that they way they did things before has had so much effect on how he is now, I get no you can blame the g-parent or what happened before. I am seen as the bad one.
Idk...what you meant by this. It really sounds like you bring this stuff up with them.
Again...your dh needs to be tip of the spear on this...he should call out aunt for caving. He needs to backtrack and redirect his son. He owns a huge part of this. I would not lay much blame on his relatives that picked up his slack and likely coddled the boy partially due to their feeling sorry for the child not having a mother.....and a semi uninvolved father.
I did it once and that was
I did it once and that was what happened so I never did it again. I learned that lesson super quick.
You are right he does need to be the spear head on this one and things do need to come from his mouth. I have been saying that to him lately and I am hoping it is sinking in. I get why they did what they did. I do understand but what frustrates me and it is something I have to let go of is that they will not see how all that has had a huge effect on how SS is now. DH took some time to get it but he finally sees it and is trying really hard to make it better. Just wish they could get their head of a certain place and understand and maybe be a little sympathetic instead of judged when it comes to how we are now currently dealing with it all. Nope that is too much to ask.
I swear I am trying to let it go I really am. Coming here to vent helps.
I can't remember why BM isn't
I can't remember why BM isn't around, but - a good deal of who we turn out to be is genetic. So if BM had/has a lot of mental health issues, a personality disorder, etc, - SS may have inherited some of that. It's not all "nurture" that determines how a person turns out.
That's not to let DH or the ILs off the hook, but this kid just might have a genetic predisposition to this kind of behavior.
^this. I've posted something
^this. I've posted something similar on alot of blogs and usually get attacked for it. Parenting does matter still, but its definitely more of an uphill battle with kids that have inherited certain characteristics or issues.
They've done studies showing
They've done studies showing that sons of men with criminal histories, even if they are adopted at birth and have never met their fathers, have a much more significant risk of incarceration.
Much of what makes us is genetic - environment can improve your chances, but it doesn't take away your genetic predisposition.
It might be genetic. I agree
It might be genetic. I agree no matter how much you give a child and nurture them, some thing are inherent. I saw this with my own family. My cousin was not raised by his BioDad at all but oh man some of the stuff he does and how he carries himself is just like him.
I could be from her or her side of the family. I have no clue. We may never know if this comes from her or not. I have a feeling it is because he is so good at it. You really can not tell he is lying it takes time to realize that he is. My husband can not lie he sucks at it and we do not lie in our house.
Why did they not see he is
Why did they not see he is very intelligent and help him focus that and work with him on it. I feel like he used that intelligence to learn how to get what he wanted when he wanted. Instead of giving him positive outlets for it they just ignored it.
This is how I feel about SS16. DBDB will not communicate with DH on this AT ALL. every two weeks he sends her a text to let her know that SS16 has an F in 4 classes and D's in the rest. She will then tell SS20 that its all made up! Crazy bitch
Tuesday the school called DH and they had a long talk. Seems SS16 is telling the school he is doing his best but that he is struggling in EVERYTHING. (he has a 31 in gym - no lie - a 31!)
Well they just got his SAT score back and he got a 1400 the first time! Much higher than his older brother who after taking it twice got 1250. They kicked him off the baseball team. Finally hit him where it hurts.
SS20 told us that when they called DBDB to tell her she acted shocked and said she didn't know he was failing and thought he was a B student.
He used his brain to lie his way back to DBDB because he knew she is hands off and really does not care. DH parents him and SS16 does not like that. He feels he is just too smart to have to be watched.