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When it’s finally time to throw in the towel

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I think DH has reached his limit with the games of both BM and SD. So much has been brought to light since SD left our house on Saturday with out DH giving her permission to do so. But yet again BM , BM mom and SD made the decision for him while I was out working and I was home with SD. BM spent the whole day yesterday attacking DH , myself and our children. And when DH would not answer her phone calls BM would use SD phone . It has gotten bad! First DH told BM to take away the cell phone from SD because she is being punished for cussing out my son via text ( BM was shown proof) BM responded " you act like we didn't cuss also at that age and if the only thing I have to worry about is her cussing I think I'm doing a great job" I mean the stupidity of this women is so great . I pay for SD phone so I made the choice and BM said i needed to give her a few days because she needed to get SD a new phone since it's her life line , again SD will not be punished . Then BM went on to say how SD never wants to come over and pushes back a lot but BM forced her to come and how SD is old enough to decide she wants to leave and that ultimately it was BM mom who made the decision to get SD13 because she also knows that SD doesn't want to be at our house . Sd also said that DH will not be a part of SD life anymore and how I have " torn" DH away from his family and from SD and that BM is the only "baby momma " that DH family likes and how Dh family can't stand me . She asked why didn't I go to MIL house in x mas eve ( I posted about this) SD was there that night and I didn't go because I had a ton of gifts to wrap but BM said I didn't go because all of DH fam do not like me. I asked DH "how does BM know I didn't go" the answer... SD has been her little spy . So of course I was upset by all of this . I told DH i do not want SD her negativity influencing our children. DH has tried to talk to SD but she will not admit to the things she is saying about not wanting to be at our house and not wanting to come over at all . I think she is still trying to fool her dad but we have seen the texts from SD to BM . I dunno why she just won't admit it! Enough way it's enough for me. I think DH feels the same he is tired of the games. He tried to resolve things with Sd and spend time with her but he. She just runs and tells BM how awful it is at our house and such. I told DH that it SD comes back into this house she needs apologize to us and BS11 and we need to have a conversation with her because if she truly doesn't want to come to needs to tell DH honestly and stop wasting everyone's time 


ESMOD's picture

I really don't feel that a parent should be throwing in the towel on their kids.. 

I think that your SD has been fed a narrative that her dad has filled his life with a "new family".. and as a teen.. she doesn't fit into the mix.. and that he doesn't focus on her.. because of the attention the younger ones get.

I think her mom pushes that.. but the reality is that with a new baby and other littles in the house.. she probably is a bit the odd man out.. and probably is not super interested in the role of big sister to kids that have sort of taken her place with her dad.  When he schedules jobs on her weekends.. goes on vacations when she is gone.. etc.. while not intended to.. they kind of back up that narrative her mom helps create with her.

It's also part of being a teen.. they simultaneously pull away from family.. but yet want the support of their family still.  and they start developing a "life" and that life is mostly there at their home. teen girls spend hours in their rooms.. makeup .. clothes.. talking to friends.. visiting your busy house isn't her home.. just a place she visits.. 

I don't know exactly what the solution is though.. other than her dad trying to continue to be in her life.. even if it isn't in purely a visitation capacity.. But.. I sort of agree with her feelings that she didn't want to come.. then he wasn't there anyway (and going on a job is not a good solution..even if you had to do it.. that's not the same as him spending real focused one on one time with her).  So.. MIL to the rescue.. and back home where her "life" is.

He may just need to work a bit to figure how their lives can match up better.. but with you and the family.. it has to be balanced.. because he can't spend his whole life chasing just her.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Well it was SD that didn't want to come in the first place and maybe she should have just stayed home but BM did force her to come . So BM forces SD knowing she doesn't wanna come then BM and BM mom scoop her back up when suprise she wants to leave ? It's a game . I think for now DH will leave it. We are moving and trying to focus on that 

thinkthrice's picture

Repeats itself.  HCGUBM with no rules enmeshes and PASes out skids one by one, trains skids to ignore, be rotten to or in some cases, be downright dangerous to their half siblings.  Creates loyalty conflicts then moans about the aftermath.

SD is about a hair away from the crevass of PAS and is approaching it at full steam. 

Sadly once it gets to this point there is no turning back.  In my case, I welcomed the peace and quiet.  We have no "ours" kids but my adult bios have accepted Chef into the family.

Time to start focusing on you and your bios as a family.   If you are paying for bratty SD's phone, I would stop that pronto.  Time to block all that toxicity.  This will be rough for DH and hopefully he won't blame you for it.

Parental alienation is child abuse and whoever is perpetrating it should lose custody.

ESMOD's picture

I think it would be most fruitful for OP to disengage from SD.. but that doesn't mean that she encourages her DH to do the same.. she should support it if he wants to see his child and work on that relationship.

 I don't think that SD feels comfortable being at their house for a variety of reasons.. not just PAS.. part being a teen.. part PAS.. part Dad having distracted interests.. part the environment being less conducive to her life.. and maybe part that she and OP don't gel well together.. (probably from both ends to an extent).  

I do think that at this point.. her DH should speak directly with his daughter about their relationship.. and how they can mantain contact and closeness when they live in different households.  What does SHE think she needs.  She vaguely complains of distance and closeness.. worried about a new baby taking his attention etc.. but she also chooses to not engage and visit when she could.. so what DOES she want.. what does that look like for her?  He needs to ask her.. what does she want.. more calls.. more texts?  More one on one time.. like they go somewhere (not work related) together.. He takes her to Chikfilet once a week?  Drives her to some activities to spend time with her?  WHAT exactly does she see as being needed.. and what does she want?

I am not saying she gets to dictate what happens necessarily.. but right now they are clearly not hitting on much.. and she is becoming more her own person and is going to want to have more control of her life than she might have as an 8 year old.  So.. maybe he needs to meet her part way on this.. maybe she wants to be part of his life.. but not part of YOUR family with your kids?  You may think that is bratty.. it may not be the most open and mature attitude.. but I get it to an extent that kids don't ask for their parents to start new relationships with new people that may not mesh with you very well.. so kids don't get to dictate the relationship.. but I think there is some amount of room for him to see her 1 on 1.. a few times a month without it being some huge detriment to everyone.. and maybe instead of having him totally miss time.. or have a sullen teen there when he isn't even in the house?  it might be preferrable for him to just see her for a few hours.. and then back to his life with you?

floralsm's picture

Yes it's narcissistic emotional abuse, totally agree it's disgusting parenting.

floralsm's picture

SD is enmeshed with BM and sounds like whatever BM says it's gospel for SD. It sounds like she has freedom of no parenting at BMs and then in your home obviously has structure and wants to go back? SD believes all the lies and crap BM spreads about you and the toxic hate they have for you is what bonds them together. It's just super sad and definitely not uncommon. I deal with the same thing. HCBM and SD are enmeshed and it's just sad. 

It's tough and I had to disengage when this happened to me with SD. The stress and drama is too overwhelming. I think definitely stop paying for her phone. Does BM receive CS? Maybe she can use that to pay for SD phone.. especially if SD wants to be at hers all the time. 

DH chooses his battles with BM and I think maybe your DH may need to aswell. Trying to communicate about parenting with HCBMs are just impossible and catastrophic. Try not to let BM have any space in your head. What BM says to SD is absolute rubbish and you know the truth why you weren't at MIL's. Have solice knowing you know the facts and SD has no clue about anything. At least you have your own children to bring up right and teach them how to see through BS and be nice people. Hope that helps your sanity as I have to keep reminding myself these things too. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup you hint the mail right on the head. BM is SDs Best friend so SD soaks up whatever she says no matter how many talks and texts DH has with SD. Also this behavior has been on going in some form since I have been with DH so I don't think it's her just being a teen. BM does get child support and I am cutting SD off the phone plan and BM has been given a number of days to get SD a phone . SDs bad behavior has not been addressed expect by DH ans SD will not be disciplined for it so she will keep doing it. I have disengaged from SD but then I got blamed by MiL and SD and now BM for not having a relationship with SD and SD has complained abouy my distance yet she does nothing to have a relationship with me and DH has made this clear to SD . I have no idea what this girl wants but I think really she just wants me and the children out of DH life 

floralsm's picture

They probably complain because your actions are going against their words. Stay disengaged and be polite to SD. Your sanity comes first. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup. Also anytime DH tries to parent SD and actuallt

hold her accountable BM comes in with the attack . I have remained disengaged through it all . But yes also polite so DH really throws it back in SD face 

Mominit's picture

You mentioned you're moving.  In some ways you'll be able to turn this against them.  When they whine and complain that your DH doesn't love her and how dare he move, you'll be able to throw it back in their faces "Well you never come over anyway, and if you do you just leave early.  We're giving you what you want".


Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea but we aren't moving very far . Just maybe 25 mins from where we are just still moving in in itself with 4 kids is stressful lol! I already told DH when we move our 2 girls will share the room instead of SD sharing a room with DD3 . SD constantly shuts DD out of her room and our baby girl has no place and her stuff is all over the living room and our room. Also with SD so openly not wanting to come... I mean .. are we suppose to hold her space ? DH agreed the 2 sisters will share . 

ndc's picture

Isn't part of the problem here that BM moved SD  a few hours away, so it's not like DH can just pop in to her activities or see her outside the home by taking her to dinner or out to do something for a few hours? Or am I getting you confused with another poster?

At this point I'd disengage completely.  Let DH handle SD and do not make or change plans based on SD being there or not. And with your DH having been out of work and you providing most of the support for the family, you should not pay for anything for SD. With the way she treats you, and the conflict she's caused between you and your in-laws, it's best to leave her 100% to your DH. No phone, no vacations that you're paying for, no subsidizing DH's share of expenses so he can spend extra on SD. That is a recipe for resentment.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

No that's me lol . BM moved 3 hours away from us but I guess she still expects the same sort of attention as it was before she moved . Before she move we would always have SD on holidays or events. " Sd doesn't have any one to trick or treat with , I'm gonna drop her off so she spend Halloween with you " or "I don't have plans for Easter so I'm dropping her with you " " I want to see a concert so I'm dropping her off with you " I'm not sure wtf she expects . She is soooo over all the place , just a few months ago she said she was moving back to our city then we found out she just bought a house a few weeeks ago lol. She is very unstable . Yup I'm fully 100 percent not doing anything for SD . I also had a good talk with MIL about all this, she said to just leave it so I will 

Rags's picture

visitation element of the CO?  DId you and DH press charges against BM's hag of mother for kidnapping SD and trespassing on your property. 

If not why not? If not... DO IT NOW!!!!

BM is a blithering idiot and your DH needs to collect his balls from her purse.  Prosecure WombGrandHag.




It is time to go for their throats. Nail them in court. SD needs to see her father man up, see her mother and GM experience the consequences of their crap to the fullest extent of the legal, financial, and social consequences that you and DH can collectively apply.


shamds's picture

Informing my husband a few days in advance when they wanted to go out etc, we started planning our own meetups. If we planned a mini getaway at a hotel or another state, our plans didn't change for skids. Hubby knew we were a priority and it wasn't healthy to have his life revolve around skids or be held hostage by their petty manipulative games. 

since yrs ago he basically plans at start of yr all our fly back and forth trips to one another as he works overseas and skids are told those dates he's unavailable