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Venting .. I don’t want SD around

Ashleytenorio17's picture

If you read my last post you know how SD12 had to over shadowed the birth of DH and my daughter with her all the sudden sense of exclusion... well I shouldn't say all the sudden, hell she has been through this 3rd times already and the girl and BM need to get over themselves. Our DD3, DS5 and my BS10 are all delighted to have a baby sis, my BS10 will always ask to hold her it's so sweet. That's how you should feel toward your sibling, love and instead SD 12 continues to feel resentment and it's really really starting to piss me off honestly. I guess I could maybe understand her feelings if this was the first baby but it's number 3 and if she really felt some type of way about her place with our family or felt "excluded" why has she not picked up the phone when DH has tried to call her numerous times after her rant to talk to her about her feelings. He called her the day after and she didn't pick up. He tried to FaceTime her as well and told her he was calling her to have a talk and nothing at all. No text, nothing and I'm here trying to not focus on it or her but I can't help to feel like "well forget you SD" it could be my hormones talking but I just don't feel like having that type of energy in my house . Maybe I'm thinking about it more because it's DH weekend coming up and I just really don't want her to be around , who knows what type of antics she will pull. My DH just doesn't see what she is doing either so I make it a point to share with him and others every time BS10 ask for the baby or the kids are doing sweet things with the baby so maybe he can be like "why doesn't my daughter even wanna see her sister " but I am starting to think he is just oblivious to it. Also it makes me wonder if BM really did just sent all those text for SD phone... anywho I just thought I would vent about my feelings because no one really understands unless you are in the step life .I have tried to tell DH about SD12 and explain to him what she is doing but I'm just too tired to keep on doing that ...


Stepdrama2020's picture

Your hormones all over the map, its expected after having your sweet baby. Add in the thought of SD and it becomes extra annoying. Hugs girl. 

Stop explaining to DH cause he doesnt want to hear it. That just makes it worse for you.

Make memories with your DD and the kids in the family who want to be there and enjoy the new addition. Let DH do backflips for SD, let him feel the frustration. Its his mess. You have enough to deal with. Let the thoughts  of SD go like releasing a balloon in the air.

Easier said than done.  So keep venting on here to let it out.

Chances are SD will never come around, will always play the victim. No matter how much DH reassures her BM will be there to twist DH's words. Not your mess to clean up.


Ashleytenorio17's picture

Thanks I'm trying . DH and I were talking about the weekends plans, he mentioned he will do a photography job early Saturday and I cringe at being alone with SD... I'm gonna try to really not think about it tho, 

Dogmom1321's picture

YES! You have a newborn to take care of and needs your undivided attention and REST when you can. Not your job to entertain SD... He can have her tag along at a photographer 'assistant' or make other arrangements for her. Definitely say something!

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Well BM conveniently planned her vacation with SD

on DH weekend so I guess that takes care of that but Yea I did tell him he needs to take her or ask his mother to watch her because I am beat 

dragonfly878's picture

Is that allowed? SD should absolutely be with DH during his parenting time. Giving her the option to spend time with her dad and then booking a trip during his parenting time a week after a baby was born is pretty messed up of BM. Sounds like she's the puppet master behind SD. Did SD tell him about the vacation?

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Oh this is soooooo BM to do this , she did that another time as well. BM did tell DH that she would be taking SD to Mexico at the end of July so technically yes she let Him know in advance but she said she wasn't sure. Which I am shocked BM still went because she complains that she can't meet DH because she can't afford gas yet she can go on a week long vacation? But I guess . Oh I'm sure she is using this as "how sad for you to be gaining a baby sister , let me cheer you up with a trip " sort of thing ...eye roll... I am just glad she won't be at our house this weekend because I am exhausted ! 

ESMOD's picture

Your SD is the only "visitor child" correct?  It's likely that the new baby just brought her old feelings to the surface.. it's not so easy to just "get over it"..  it would be like telling a step parent that they have to be excited about the Skid coming over.. just "get over" their annoyance.. it isn't that she is too stupid to understand that new kids happen. but she probably has very much felt that her dad has been able to (and not entirely his fault).. spend more time and effort with his other kids... while she is a visitor.. and while she has gotten some benefits from that status.. that doesn't mean that she can't also feel just a bit out of joint and possibly wistful that her dad has another child that is going to take his attention.. and that she isn't going to get any benefit from the new kid.

and yes.. that sounds selfish.. but lots of kids have trouble sharing their parent's attention when a new baby comes along.. and it gets extra complicated when it's in steplife and she isn't there so much of the time.. and yes.. by her choice.. but did she feel not "part" (due to her feelings.. bm's influence?).. and that made her pull away.. like i'm going to break up with you before you can break up with me kind of thing?

I don't think you have any thing to gain by trying to make him "see" that she is being selfish.. I would just concentrate on loving your new baby and enjoying the other kids that are there being involved.  If SD wants to come.. her dad can deal with her.. and honestly.. "should" be spending a bit of one on one time with her... since the other kids do have him as a full time live in dad.. which IS different.. and does make her a different class of child in the home unfortunately.. it's not her fault she is in that situation either.. and she just doesn't posess the emotional maturity to be less self centric right now.


advice.only2's picture

Since the BM in play here has done all she can to continually drive a wedge between SD12 and DH, it’s not hard to fathom that SD12 feels threatened by DH’s other children.  That doesn’t excuse DH lacking in communication in the past, opting to allow SD not to come visit on his allotted time, and scheduling side jobs when SD is there visiting.  I think you need to disengage from all the DH/BM/SD12 drama and allow them to parent or not as they see fit.   You can and should create boundaries pertaining to any future visits with SD12.  Let DH sweat his relationship with his daughter or not, you need to focus on your mental health and well-being and on that of your children.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

True . Since DH has still blocked BM she seems to be going through SD now but I'm going to tell him from now on if he has jobs to do on the weekend he needs to just take SD with him . With baby here now I have my hands completely full and I don't think or see her pitching in and helping like BS 10 does . 

dragonfly878's picture

I agree with this. If she's at your house to be with DH, she should be WITH DH. He can take her to jobs as you have your hands full and she gets one:one time with DH as the other kids are not present. 

Monkeysee's picture

I understand all the hormones, and your SD & BM have been a sore spot for quite a while. I agree with Esmod though that your sweet new DD might not be a happy addition for your SD, and she's not in the same position as your other bios are, where they're with you all full time. For SD it might feel like a bit of a loss, and I'm sure that's not being helped by her mother. I agree with others too that if your DH is going to pick up gigs on the weekends he should be taking SD with him, not only so you don't have to handle her along with a new baby & your other kids, but also so she gets 1:1 time with her dad. If you can, try to refrain from influencing how he sees SD, which I know is way easier said than done. Reality is they'll never see their kids the way and SP will and it’s a losing battle most of the time. The best thing you can do for yourself is disengage, focus on your 4 sweet babes & vent here when you need to. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea I'm just over it , dealing with it for years now and BM is getting worse which in turn effects SD to get worse. I try to not get involved any more and for the Most part I stopped trying to help him parent SD but I'm still bothered by her . You would think SD is craving 1 on 1 time with her dad but she alway creates drama anytime I go some where with my kids and she has to stay with DH. Ugh I loathe the " why can't I go or stay " victim card and since DH is oblivious to her manipulation he feels bad for her . This has happened a few times SD was forced to go somewhere with her dad alone while we did something else... I dunno what this girl wants anymore but yea I agree she needs to be with her dad . 

dragonfly878's picture

Let me just say I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm in a very similar situation with SS14. For me- what I needed most was for DH to "see it" so that I could feel validated. I'm pregnant too (and I have DD3) and much of what you're describing was my SS14 too. Once DH stopped falling for his and BM's manipulation tactics was I finally able to relax (sort of). I was always concerned that SS14 was going to give nasty looks to DD3 or treat her unkind because she was unknowingly displacing him from his throne. DH was (and still can be) oblivious at times to SS's behavior and so I didn't want SS around DD without me present for that major reason. I'm a hawk when it comes to her and DH doesn't always catch SS when he acts like a jackass. She's incredibly innocent and has no idea and so the thought of SS being near her without my supervision made me cringe. DH has gotten better at calling SS out- but he has to be aware it's happening in order to address it. It seems that's your point of frustration- your DH's lack of awareness. To echo what I said earlier- if she's at your house she should be 100% his responsibility. I'd frame it as an opportunity for "bonding"... she doesn't like it? Stay with BM or let DH address it. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Ohh so your dd is 3 as well! Yea sad part about my DD is she loves to be around SD and follows her like a puppy , and I know SD just sees her aS "in the way" it also bothers me at DH lack of awareness when she is over she is mess! We tell her over and over to clean after herself. Last time she was here it was horrible! She left cereal crumbs and mess literally all over the kitchen counter . I came in and saw it and immediately knew it was her . My kids aren't angels but it's strange that during the week my kitchen is never a mess despite having 3 kids here. They know the rules and know to keep things tidy. sD comes and crap is everywhere! So I asked who it was and it was Sd so I tell DH ( I leave it to him to let her know things now ) and it goes unpunished... ok next we all leave the house ( BS10 was not home ) SD, DD and DS5 where the only kids with us. We get back home and ohhh wouldn't you know someone left the apple juice out of the fridge and the cap was off and A cup was by it... ok it wasn't  DD3 , it wasn't DS5 and so I tell DH what happened and he asked SD if she did it and of course it wasn't her ..... so I said well there's a cup here with red lipstick and she was forced to confess ... again. DH did not say much to her . I bring this up because DH watches BS10 like a hawk and if he does anything wrong then something gets taken away for a bit , it's mostly samethings like what SD was doing . For example BS10 left the box of donuts open and there was one left for DD and since we have flies in the house DH saw it and asked BS10 if it left it open and BS said yes and DH told him no electronics for the day because he needs to better pay attention to what he is doing and how that donut left was meant for DD and now she couldn't have it because flies got to it. sD does the same and nothing happens. This goes on pretty much all weekend . It's like he is not paying attention or something ?! BS even toldhim how it was not fair because he couldn't play on anything all day and nothing happened to SD . So I point out every little thing she does , maybe to help him "see" but I have to tell him to back off BS if SD can do that same And has no consequences, this is why I also get annoyed .

dragonfly878's picture

If you pointed out his contradiction (you took away DS's electronics for the donut- how do you plan to discipline SD for the juice?) would he get it? Consistency is key and if he's going to do for one- he should be doing for both. Otherwise I'd tell him since he can't parent his daughter he has no business parenting your son.

Also, this is just me, but I would call attention to ANYTHING positive that your kids do toward your little one. They deserve the praise for being wonderful siblings. I wouldn't take away their praise because it's hard for DH or SD. Your kids earned it. Celebrate them. She could be celebrated too if she could get her head out of her ass...

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I have repeatedly told him to not parent my son if he can't do the same for SD and for a while he was doing great but I guess when she doesnt come for a while he forgets and just wants to be on her good side. We all pointed out how he punished BS versus lack of doing for Sd. He just said next time he would did the same for her . But yea if I see a mess or anything major I will tell him and let him deal with it or not I should say. I also do tell him everytime the kids do anything good so maybe little by little he will begin to see it. 

thinkthrice's picture

SD for fear of losing her to the BM.  Instead he vicariously parents your DS which is extremely distasteful. 

I had a taste of this myself with Chef purposely trying to FIND things wrong with Awesomeson.  Meanwhile his brats were budding felons. UGH!

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes! I hate it and it has caused some nasty fights . I'm ok with him parenting in a way where it's constructive, like giving a few chores or saying "help your mom with the groceries" which he tells him , that I'm ok with but I am not ok with the excessive getting on him about nothing . On the other hand I am sure to always tell him and brag when any of the kids do anything good. Like BS 10 getting honor roll, kids helping each other out.. literally anything . Lol 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

It is time for DH to qut discipling your son if he is going to do it in such an unfair manner. It is also time to stop the "tit for tat." He is watching your son for any infraction and you are doing the same to SD - that can't be pleasant for anyone involved. Each of you should be responsible for discipling your own child. If either one sees the child of the other doing something wrong, it should be brought up to the parent and then discipline is up to them.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup I agree and I have told him to stop if he can't be fair . He says he is fair but again he this is part of his blindness with SD . Sometimes he will tell me when BS has done something wrong but he also tries to tell him how he will be disciplined and I have to step in and say um no it's up to me, this has caused so many fights but for the most part BS pretty much behaves and does his chores . But when SD comes she gets to sleep in and do absolutely nothing and that also bothers me. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your DH can't have it both ways. He can't blame BM for filling his daughter's head with BS then act in a way that proves BM isn't spouting BS. He can't say BM is keeping SD from him when he schedules work during his custody time, or doesn't show up to pick up SD. He can't claim that SD doesn't want to be part of the family when the way he tells her about a new sibling is by text.

Yeah, SD is acting rotten. Yeah, BM is probably trying to PAS your DH. But your DH just keeps playing right into it and then sits there with his thumb up his butt wondering why it's as hostile as it is. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: SD needs her dad just as much as the other kids need him. That means SD will get special treatment during the 96 hours a month he's supposed to have her because he has to concentrate all his parenting of her into that time. He won't do that, so I can't blame SD for being resentful and not wanting to come over. He's not a good parent to her, and he can be a not-good parent at the same time as BM is PASing SD. Those two things aren't mutually exclusive.

SeeYouNever's picture

I can't keep that chain straight but I wanted to add my 2 cents about "special treatment."

It's not so much special treatment as limited expectations. If you start calling it special treatment then that's what it becomes and then it becomes unfair to the other kids. 

Maybe on SD weekends You all take a break from the more intensive chores, and meals become a little less formal. It's not reasonable to have a visiting child do major household chores but it's also not exactly fair if she gets to sit on her butt while resident children do their chores. If SD weekends are supposed to be relaxing and fun-filled for her then they get to be that way for everybody. Any other way and it's going to create resentment. 

I also agree that there needs to be a little bit of time carved out for her to have one-on-one time with her dad. Usually the way we do this is DH does pick up and drop off without the rest of us and maybe he takes her shopping. If you don't want to have to spend money a walk or some other little project can work just as well. It doesn't have to be more than a hour or two. 

Other than that when I had my babies I found it was so much easier to just disengage and opt out of anything to do with SD.