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Skid VS biokids when does the jealousy end!?!

Ashleytenorio17's picture

DH and I have DD 6 months, DS3 and BS8 (from previous marriage) DH has SD10. When DH first started dating he always had just a one bedroom apartment and you couldn't even tell he had a kid. He kept most of her things in a tote in his closet and she had no clothes at his place. When we moved in together it changed. We didn't have baby yet but SD10 wasn't as bad with her behavior towards DS3 and BS8. Her behavior got extremely bad when SD and BS has to share a room which at the time they were totally ok with. That's when her jealously over my son started. She didn't like that he had a lot of clothes and things in the room so she brought over a crap ton of things most

of which she doesn't use. We made sure she had her own closet, drawer, space and they have bunk beds. She still didn't like the idea and she became very rude to my son and began moving his stuff whenever he wasn't home. One time I found his legoland photos and his Roswell license plate in her toys bin when I was cleaning up. They were hanging in his space on the bottom bunk. I found his calendar in his closet because she said it was too "scary" even tho is was no where she could see it. I started telling DH about her behavior but of course he would make excuses. BS8 is very passive and sweet so he doesn't tell SD10 anything but I hear the way she talks to him.tells him it's non of his business when he tries

to have conversations with her, tells him to leave her alone all the time but when daddee is around of course she loves hanging out with BS. One time I caught her moving all her stuff on top of his drawer and shoving his stuff over because he "needs to share everything with her" meanwhile her drawer was empty on top. I disengaged after I made rules for the room because she kept locking BS8 out and taking his markers and stuff home wit her . Now she has started putting all her junk in spaces ( even if DS or DD is using it) she will put toys on the spaces and things she doesn't use, I have just been putting them back in her bag when she goes. She constantly blames DS for everything to daddee and she cries when and says "did you tell DS also" she has just gotten worse since DD 6 month was born. Now she constantly mops or says "I'm sad" if DH is holding DD or if we go to MiL house and of course then greet DD and attention is not on SD she sits in the corner until someone notices she is "sad" . SD had no relationship with her half siblings and doesn't even acknowledge them when she is here. She gets plenty of one

on one time with DH . Does this jealousy ever end? Since I'm disengaged what do I do about her being rude to DS? It happened just now when DS called SD on his ipad (SD would FaceTime him a lot to find out what we were doing) she told BS in a mean bossy attitude to not call her and to only call in case of a emergency. Poor DS was like "ok sorry I was just calling you back" 

Comments

ndc's picture

It may never end.

Do you have an alternative other than BS8 and SD10 sharing a room?  It doesn't sound like an arrangement that is fair to DS, and SD is getting to an age where sharing a bedroom with an unrelated child of the other gender isn't a great idea anyway.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes I actually just moved her stuff into DD 6 months too

 because we have no other option. I decorated it really girly with her paintings and such. But she has to share a dressed with DD because DD has a huge dresser plus crib and SDs bed so another dresser won't fit because the room is small. I hope this is not a trigger for SD and she will have to share a closet with DD whereas before she had her own closet even tho it was small. I hope this is enough for her

Seahorse's picture

My SS16 is jealous over my 5 and 6 year old children. It's pathetic. He tripped my daughter behind our backs, but thankfully another child, (7 yrs old), told us exactly what happened, after we heard the loud crash, when my daughter's head hit the dresser. He still completely denied he did anything. Kept changing his stories ..typical liar. Even my 5 year old son told us what happened. Freaking stupid that a 16 yr old BOY would do that to a 6 year old girl!

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Omg I'm so sorry that happened to you! Poor baby! I hope she doesn't act this way to DD who is 6 months because she is extremely jealous of the attention she gets from DH and MIL. 

Seahorse's picture

I just really feel like it's impossible to love my SS16. Recently I tried to change my attitude towards him, and hugged him and told him I loved him, and he instantly stopped hiding in his room (after he spent months hiding in his room) and he wanted to do everything with me, like running, watching tv, saying yes mam and how can I help you? etc..it was overwhelmingly too much! He goes from one extreme to the next. He told me he was hiding in his room, so he wouldn't get into trouble. So the day after we made up..he took a toy away from my daughter and LIED straight to my face! He said "she was hitting me with it" ..then I told my Husband what happened and made him ask him what happened ..SS16 told him a different story..saying "she was waving it in my face"..So my Husband was like yep, he lied, and got onto him. I told SS16 he's not allowed around my children anymore, since he hurts them and lies. So now SS16 is hiding in his room again. He also waits until i leave, to come out of his room. It's almost like he's punishing ME bc HE got into trouble. Sometimes he smirks and looks at me out of the corner of his eyes at me. It's creepy and I was able to sneak and video him doing it, bc he does it any time he happens to accidentally come out of his room, and see me. I had to show my Mom, Husband, and best friend the video, since she's an Occupational Therapist and works with Highly Functioning Autistic kids like him..bc I didn't want to sound crazy. It's like I'm a prisoner in my own home. I feel extreme anxiety and anger when he comes home from school, or walks into the room. He's gotten more jealous the older he gets..hopefully your situation doesn't worsen..but mine has with the SS16 only. Everything else is great though. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Oh no that's horrible ! One time I caught SD pushed DS3 down so DS3 got upset and bit her which he made into a huge drama event and cried to MIL and DH. He barely bit her because I saw and he was defending himself even though I know it's wrong and we tell him no biting I was glad she FINALLY got what she deserve after being so rude and mean to DS and BS. If anything goes wrong she blames DS constantly because of course she could do no wrong. 

Seahorse's picture

I don't blame you..i would want my kids to stick up for themselves, if they are being bullied. My Mom told me to tell my daughter to do a high pitched scream, if SS16 comes anywhere near her lol. That'll make him stay away, and not be able to sneak. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Put yourself in SD's shoes. She doesn't get to see her father full-time like her siblings and stepbrother. Even when her father was single, he made his apartment not look like he even had a kid. Her life with her dad has been shoved into a box, and even now when she has a room, she couldn't display her own things (they lived in a dresser), it sounds like she had to supply her own decorations/comfort items, and she doesn't get to help pick a theme for her room.

She IS on her own. She's the afterthought kid who doesn't get any say in what her presence looks like at her dad's, and she watches an unrelated kid get more attention/presence than she does. That would make anyone jealous, especially a child. Her feeling "sad" is likey because she feels left out on a deeper level.

Now, her behavior isn't okay, but that's the result of no one actually listening to her and teaching her how to cope with her feelings. Yeah, she's jealous and hurt that all 5 of you all are engaged as a family, and she just gets handed space that's available. If she lives most of her life as an only child, someone has to teach her how to be a sibling.

Your SO needs to have an actual conversation with his daughter about how she feels. She may just be a brat, but most kids' bad behavior is a product of poor parenting. Her dad has made her an afterthought, so she acts up to get his attention. Spending one on one time with her is great, but if she feels like her presence isn't missed or noticed when she's gone (and having all her stuff put away when her siblings have stuff on display in their own rooms), then she's going to feel resentful. Grown women get in a huff when their long-term BF doesn't change up his apartment to make it more "girl friendly" or they put away their GF's stuff when she isn't there. Kids aren't going to act any better.

tog redux's picture

Yes, I agree. If she's just there every other weekend it's hard to make her feel like she's part of the family but it needs to happen. Everyone has a room but her and she's crammed into one room or another as a "visitor". I'm not one to say she should have her own room when you have 3 other kids, but couldn't one of the little kids' rooms be made a bit more into her space? A 6-month-old doesn't care what her room looks like. 
 

 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Also we have a 3 bedroom home so no not everyone gets there own room, I wish. The boys share and the girls share a room

tog redux's picture

So can you make it her room with some baby stuff, rather than the baby's room with some of her stuff?  

It is a bit odd that your DH put her stuff in a tote when she wasn't there in his apartment - I can kind of see how she's never felt like his place was a "home" for her, and still doesn't. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I agree with you! It is strange. Well only thing in DD room is a crib and large dresser. On the wall is a letter "A" for DD name and that's it no really baby items on the wall . SD has her bed there with her book shelve, her paintings in the wall and posters with her stuffed toys and pictures

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I'm sorry maybe I didn't explain. We have a 3 bedroom home. SD was taken to Ikea to pick out her comforter and room decor, some paintings she already had and posters. And get stuffed animals and photos and whatever else's she has trust me is not shoved away in a box. We made sure she has her own space. Should I make sure SD has more space because she is here EOW?.  I think you have missed the mark here .

lieutenant_dad's picture

No, I think I was right on the mark with the information you provided. And you aren't the first person who has come on here with the jealousy question.

Even if we take material possessions out of thr equation, she's likely still bitter and jealous because she doesn't get to see Dad as much as her stepbrother does, and your SO is engaged with your son in a way that you aren't with her. That's not to say you need to engage, but it's likely a contributing factor as to why she feels the way she does.

Seriously. Her dad went off and had 2 more kids and "adopted" a son. Those kids get him 100% of the time while she gets less than a quarter of that. Even if she can't verbalize why that hurts, it does. And she's likely just getting to the age where she can rationalize that her dad can love her the same as the others with less time.

We as adults like to think that kids don't notice or aren't affected by divorce and adding in new kids, but they are. Some kids accept it pretty easily, and others don't. A parent has to address those issues head on and help *that child* deal with it. How *that child* deals may be far different from another. 

Your SO needs to do more to help her deal with it because she isn't coping well, and poor coping now will lead to poor coping later on much bigger issues.

ESMOD's picture

I agree with this assessment.  SD was probably ok bunking wherever when it was just her and daddy.. but now they are in a space where the "real" residents of the home have more than she does.  Both space and attention.   

The truth is that a 3 BR house for 6 people really is pretty tight.  There are so many reasons why SD10 should have her own room when she comes to stay.. up to and including that she has entered puberty and has a right to privacy.  Yes.. I know there is a frustration in thinking that you have to set aside space for someone that isn't there full time.. but allowing her to feel marginalized is causing a LOT of problems for your household.

Is there any way to divide one of the larger rooms with some type of temporary wall situation?  What are the prospects for moving to a larger home?  Is there another room in the house like an office etc.. that could be repurposed for her?

Unfortunately, just wanting her to "know her place" (which is a small one).. is not going to get much traction with her.  She needs more help adjusting and what may have been acceptable when she was 5 when it was just her and dad.. clearly isn't cutting it as a preteen.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I wish we could afford a home where everyone got their own room but that's just not the situation right now. I'm not working so right now we can only do a 3 bedroom. There are only 3 rooms and I thought maybe if she shared a room with DD 6 months it would be ok because DD doesn't use the room only to sleep in but DD has a lot of baby gear (walker, bouncer, jumper) we don't have a extra living room to put anything extra I wish we didn't. Maybe in the future we can get a bigger home but right now we just can't. SD was okay with her space and seemed happy. It was only when DD was born this started to get bad.

Hastings's picture

If things got bad when DD was born, I'd suspect that DD's gender could be part of the problem. Before then, SD was the only girl, so she could rationalize things away better. Also, when she was there, she was unique. Now, she has company/competition.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea it has been a roller coaster with her. She was of course jealous of BS8 but it didn't show as much. She wasn't like this really when DS3 was born but it started to get worse when BM split for her husband and even worse when DD 6 was born. I think normal girl would see it as gaining a sister not competing. Clearly her way of thinking is the problem. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes I do get it, I am a stepdaughter. My dad after he divorced my mother got remarried and she had 2 older daughters. Yes it sucked at first but I got over it because I loved my stepsisters and I knew my father loved me even though I didn't have my own room in his home or a crap ton of belongings there. I wasn't a brat about it.DH has had MANY talks with SD about her siblings and her place in our family. Still it's not enough. I did things with her also before I disengaged. I would take her to movies and get our nails done,  then DS8 felt left out. It's hard to balance but I think we finally did and still SD is acting up. DH showers her with hugs and kisses and " I love you" when she is here and it's still not enough. I have heard her cry to my son and telling him she doesn't want siblings and she just wants it to be her and her daddee again. I'm sorry but she is 10 and after many talks and it's not like she doesn't get the attention because she does. It's like okay just stop, be a big girl and just accept it and you will be happy. There's no need to be needy, bratty or mean. BS 8 has accepted it well. It's exhausting have to always cater to SD plus not neglect our other children. Im hoping she will finally grow out of the mini wife/ needy phase. 

tog redux's picture

Well, she can't stop. It's like telling someone to stop being depressed (which she might be).  I'd suggest she be taken to a therapist, and DH should go with her. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Showering her with gifts and affection isn't what she wants or needs.

I'm an SD, too. I was fine when my parents got divorced. My sister was young enough that she just sort of shrugged. My brother, however? He was torn apart that he was having to leave my dad and not seeing him as often. He BEGGED to move in with my dad (my dad's job wouldn't allow it until my brother was older). It crushed him to be separated from my dad in a way that it didn't hurt my sister and I.

Now, when my mom moved away and my sister had to live with my dad? You guessed it. She was just as crushed as my brother had been when my parents originally split. I was already an adult, and while it sucked, I didn't get too upset.

I have a great relationship with my SBro because we have similar mannerisms and are a year apart. My brother is indifferent to him as a sibling, and my sister has warmed up now that her relationship with our SF has improved. We all (SBro included) don't consider our SSis a sibling. We burned that bridge and pissed it down the river.

My point to all of this is that kids react and adapt differently to divorce. I got along well with my mom and had similar personality traits, so living with her was easy until my SF showed up and the family dynamic changed. I adapted, my sister didn't. My brother has a similar personality to my dad, so it was torture for him to live with my mom FT and not get some pretty regular doses of what he considered "normal".

You can either continue to be upset at the situation and expect your SD to act like you and BS did/have, or you can accept that something in the situation is wrong and you nor SO have found the solution to fixing it. Taking her out one on one doesn't work. Buying her things doesn't work. Therapy might be a good next step if you all can't come up with something.

You can never expect someone to act the way you acted in a situation. Everyone is different and copes differently. SD didn't choose the situation she is in, and for whatever reason cannot cope with it. Your SO's job as a parent is to figure out why and come up with a solution to that problem. That's his responsibility as her parent.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Well she said openly she wants attention, that's why she was shower with affection and he makes sure she knows she has a place in our home. It's not enough. I'm not upset by it I'm bothered and want to get to the rot of it. I'm not expecting her to be me or BS8 because she is her own person. I'm just expecting her be positive or try to be especially because she is getting the attention she asked for. Ill mention therapy to DH but o also think BM is part of the problem in which BM is no way addressing. BM leave SD a lot with family members and right not SD is living with BMs mother while BM is living in a different city for a while. So maybe it's what goong

on with BM and we are dealing with the issues?

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Well she said openly she wants attention, that's why she was shower with affection and he makes sure she knows she has a place in our home. It's not enough. I'm not upset by it I'm bothered and want to get to the rot of it. I'm not expecting her to be me or BS8 because she is her own person. I'm just expecting her be positive or try to be especially because she is getting the attention she asked for. Ill mention therapy to DH but o also think BM is part of the problem in which BM is no way addressing. BM leave SD a lot with family members and right not SD is living with BMs mother while BM is living in a different city for a while. So maybe it's what goong

on with BM and we are dealing with the issues?

Disneyfan's picture

Why are you comparing your son the SD?  He is accepting everything and adjusting better to everything in your home because he is benefiting more than she is.  

Disneyfan's picture

How can that girl not be jealous?

Your husband seems a bit odd.  How can he be comfortable treating his bio like a tumbleweed in his home while at the same time providing his stepkid with a definitive space to call his own?  

ESMOD's picture

She is jealous... likely because she percieves the other children as residents.. and thinks she is treated as just a "visitor".. so she is trying to mark territory.

Does DS3 have their own room?  I would think it would make more sense to have the baby and toddler in the same room... then have BS8 and SD 10 in their own spaces as well.  I understand she isn't there "full time"... but perhaps if rooms were switched so she had the smallest room.. and it could double as a guest room or some other dual purpose when she isn't there.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

We have a 3 bedroom home right now. DS3 and baby shared a room. DS8 and SD10 shared and room but it was becoming a problem as you read in my post. She didn't like DS8 boys things and felt like he had too many items in the room and broke/ hide his items . I had a lot of people tell my on this site and due to them not being related they should share. So I just put SD and DD together. SD hasn't been home since the switch but DH told her already about it and she seemed excited?!? I hope this helps

ESMOD's picture

Have you thought of perhaps having an extra crib.. of some sort for your DD to stay when SD has visitation.  If it truly isn't too many days.. then it might not be a huge incovenience and would give SD privacy and a space to herself.

I think you may confuse her asking for "attention/affection" as wanting to be given things.. I think she wants to feel she really belongs to the household like the other kids do... and I don't think she is getting that..in her mind.  I think your DH should consider some therapy for her as she may well be depressed.. certainly puberty can cause a lot of emotional upheaval.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes DD still sleeps with us in our room for now so I thought this would be perfect for SD to feel like she has privacy. we

dont normally buy her things because we don't have money for that. We only did that when her and BS8 shared the room and she needed her own items . She gets plenty of affection from DH, alone time with him and such so I think therapy will be next 

bananaseedo's picture

Oh wow....she already has her own private room at bm's- having to share a room with a sibling 4 nights a month isn't going to make her act like a brat.  Ridiculous.  There are children all over the world that have to share with 1-2 and up to 4 siblings one bedroom at times.  The way we pander to these 'poor cod' is the reason they become worse and more entitled instead of getting better....the more you 'give' to make it 'fair' the worse she will become.  Mark my words.

secondplace's picture

Too all you ladies who think SD should get her own room.  Did you actually read where she said they only have a three bedroom home?  Perhaps she could squish the three "full time" residents into one room?  Or maybe SM and Dad can sleep on the floor in the living room when she is there?

It sounds like they are going above and beyond to make the girl feel welcome and included in their home.  

OP, sometimes people are just jealous types.  Hopefully as she moves towards being a teen, the jealousy may abate somewhat.  

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Thank you so much I really appreciate that because I try hard, harder then DH to make SD feel like has her own space but at the same time not pushing out my other children. I even bought her her own cups and stuff to use here with her name on them, I try to not make her feel a certain way because I myself have been there. It's exhausting having always cater to SD when she gets "sad" because DH is playing with DD for a minute or when she throws a fit in there floor because BS8 has one thing she may not have. I just wanted to know what more we could do or if it ever ends! 

SteppedOut's picture

With her, it likely will never end. Don't make your real kids feel left out or whatever to try and win this never ending battle. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

My BS8 has mentioned she gets away with a lot and why does he have to follow the rules and she doesn't . I know he feels it too

bananaseedo's picture

Then don't make exceptions, I promise you, the more you 'bend' to her sadness and demands the worse she will get.  I lived this.  I don't give a damn what 'she feels' like...she is the child, you are the adult, you set the tone/rules.  Not fair?  For crying out loud, LIFE is NOT fair.  I stated that line to my kids and her many many times.  Grow up, suck it up buttercup.   Let her know in no uncertaing terms when the behavior is not acceptable.

 

SteppedOut's picture

I 100% agree giving her her own room is completely rediculous. Especially since she is EOWE. If they had the space, fine. But they don't. Not all families can afford homes that allow everyone to have thwir own room and that is ok. It doesn't make the parents "bad" because kids have to share a room. Talk about 1st world problems.

tog redux's picture

We all recognize they have a small house - but to help her have a space that hers even if it's shared. 

SteppedOut's picture

A three bedroom home is not "small", that is average in the US. There just are not enough bedrooms for each child to have their own room. And honestly, I don't even think that would be enough for sd. What she wants is for it to be just her and daddeeee again. Nothing short of that will stop her jealous behavior.

She needs to be put in therapy and if even that doesn't work, she should receive consequences for crap behavior. 

ESMOD's picture

4 kids isn't average in the US.. it's more like 1.93 (in 2019)  So they are trying to fit more kids than average into an average home.  Obviously, this can cause issues... as it means that all of the kids are being expected to share to an extent.

The thing is that BS8 initially.. everyone had space to themselves (except when SD was there)... BS8 had his own room.  DS3 would have been in the other room and the baby was with the parents.. so without SD...the "real" occupants of the home DO have their own space (the baby no but this is a symbiotic issue at that stage).  That leaves SD10 as being labeled the CLEAR INTERLOPER. 

She is the one that is moving in every other weekend into someone else's "full time" space.  I can see why she is marking her territory like this.  But.. her father should be dealing with these marking "outbursts" and getting her therapy if she needs it.

Ideally, with this many kids there would be more rooms.. especially given the unrelated factor of two of them.

 

SteppedOut's picture

But, she is not there "full time", she is there EOWE.

Honestly, she is 10. Given my experience as a 10yr old and given my experience around children that age... she should be able to process this better... clearly she can't so she should get some therapy to assist. 

But at a certain point, she needs to be called to the mat about the crappy behavior. It should not be tolerated because poor COD. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I shared a bedroom with my 2 older sisters up until high school. Some People don't have the luxury for the space a kid may need, oh well. As long as you are lucky enough to have your own bed, dresser with clothes in it and other item that should be good enough. We have enough stress tryibg

to pay our bills. Who knows maybe soon when I get a job we can get a better home but it should be we need a bigger home just so SD can have her own room. The entitlement is why we are where we are with SD

ESMOD's picture

I agree she needs help in understanding and accepting her situation.  It does have to be hard knowing that the other kids have thier father "full time" and yet she doesn't... and I'm sure that missing having him to herself is factoring in too.. and for all of that.. she needs more help to process it all.

And.. it's easy as adults to say.. well, she is only here a handful of days a month.. but it's also hard for her to live as a guest when the other kids aren't.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I think you are right! She has flat out said to BS8 she wishes it was just her and daddee like it was before and DS3 is just annoying . 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Which is what we have been doing. She has her own bedding, bed, book shelves, drawers, closet, lamps, poster, paintings whatever and still it's not enough she is still jealous of BS and takes and hides his items or breaks them. I just have to hope the moving her in with DD will be better esp because DD still sleeps with us sometimes 

SteppedOut's picture

You can only do "so much". 

Honestly, I'm really surprised you aren't getting more support. To me it sounds like she is just being a crappy person because it is being tolerated. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea I know but I get they may not know the how story. But it's starting to get very exhausting dealing with her when she comes. She leaves the room a mess, Candy wrappers everywhere which is why BS8 has ants now. She breaks his lights I hung up for him because she didn't have the same. Before I would tell DH about it and I told them both rules of the room which she doesn't follow. I have disengaged but she is very bossy and rude to my kids so I don't what more

can be done at this point other then therapy 

Simpleton21's picture

I agree SteppedOut, I expect these types of comments from CG, not the people posting them.  What is going on in stepland today!  I do understand things from the SD's perspective but every kid there is sharing rooms.  This is totally a 1st world problem thinking every kid needs their own room and the EOW kid is more deserving of a special shrine while the full time kids should be squashed together to appease SD?!?!? I don't get this rationalization at all when OP has stated that she is trying her best to make SD feel welcome and providing her more than basic needs!  

When my parents divorced and my mom moved into a 3 bedroom apt and I visited her EOW I had to share a bedroom with my MOM b/c my brothers that lived there FULL TIME each had their own room.  Was it ideal, no?!?! But I was basically a visitor.  I had another FULL TIME home.  That is part of DIVORCE/SEPERATION.  Geesh. 

Also, my grandparents had 6 boys!  3 each to a room in a small home and they all somehow survived.  

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Clapping Thank you! I felt like I was crazy ! Like seriously what more can I do! But I do feel like whatever we do will never be enough for her. She was the only child for years and got use to daddee only giving her attention and she was the only grandchild to MIL before DH got together so yea she is feeling SOME TYPE of way. She is BM only child. For years the world as she thought revolves around her! Income me BS and then DH has 2 more kiddos and he'll no to SD especially another girl, double hell no! Some kids get over it with support and some are just stuck in their ways, they want the attention, they want daddee all the time 

Simpleton21's picture

No, you are not crazy!  You aren't neglecting her.  It is this poor COD/only child entitlement that is the problem.  If it were an intact would everyone expect this 1 child to have more than the other children because she is not coping well to a new sibling?!? Not likely! 

My SD has been this way since she found out that DH and I were serious.  She did/does have her own shrine at my home for her EOW visits and for a long time my own full time child was sharing with us until we were able to afford to convert our garage into another room.  It has been almost 7 years and BM still uses the "she is still adjusting to fit in" BS line.  SD is in therapy also and that hasn't changed her entitlement issue or her feeling she deserves more than the other kids and rules should be different for her just b/c she is from the failed family.  

I will say that this is her father's issue.  Not yours.  Continuing to cater to her over your biological children will only lead to resentment from them.  Her dad needs to deal with this.  Maybe since you have more time with her than BM does counseling might actually help.  I know in our case with a HCGUBM therapy shopping when she couldn't blame our house for everything has contributed to the way SD acts. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

That's exactly how I see it as "entitlement" even at MIL house it's felt this way, MIL has SD pictures all over the house and none of DD 6 months or DS3. At MIL it's poor SD she doesn't get ALL the attention anymore so let's baby SD and make it worse. One incident happened on SD weekend where we went to MIL house for MIL birthday dinner, everyone greeted SD ( hugs and kisses) I bring in DD and everyone greets her the same. SD puts herself in the corner and says "I'm sad" , sad face. BS8 asked her "what's wrong SD, why are you upset" SD tells BS8 to "mind his own business and leave her alone!" SD leaves her juice on the floor and BS8 accidentally walks by and spills it, everyone blames BS8 because SD said "he was cleaning up his mess" I find out it was SD juice and say well it was SDs juice so they tell them both to please leave juice on the table. BS8 takes it and moves on no big deal. SD causes a while scene runs the the restroom to fale cry ( which she tomd DH she can do on the spot) and the whole evening is spend kissing up to SD who turns her back on every one who begs her to eat birthday cake. And BS8 already has resentment towards DH for this reason. So the issue really is how everyone makes SD feel entitled. I will tell DH about serious therapy but right now it will be hard for us to afford. Maybe when I get a job we can find a good affordable one 

Simpleton21's picture

This is ridiculous and yes the other kids will resent someone getting treated super special and different.  My SD once told my ODS that she lies to make her life seem more interesting.  It is manipulation that they have learned to continue because it gets them what they want.  

I hope you can find a way to get her counseling to cope with the changes but don't neglect your children that are also coping with her!  Let your DH handle it.  I know I was able to find counseling for my son at a place that discounted cost because they had grants and based it on income.  I ended up paying $2 a session.  It really helped.  

tog redux's picture

Nobody said she should have her own room. Not one person said that - and are we just here to agree with each other that all stepkids are horrible and all stepmothers are right 100% of the time? How is that helpful?

 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes it was implied several times SD have her own room, read al large comments . I'm not saying we all need to agree but I was honestly looking for some different methods since what we are doing is not really helping. But seeing other comments I realize whatever we do may never be enough. What she wants is just her and daddee. 

Simpleton21's picture

Actually you have several times said that SD should have her own space or that her baby and other children that reside there full time should be displaced for her SD.  I never said stepmother's are right 100% of the time and all stepkids are horrible.  If this were an intact family and 1 sibling was having trouble adjusting to a new baby would you suggest these same things?!?! 

Tog- do you have children of your own?  I'm just curious because I don't know any mother that would want to place another woman's child above there own and also be expected to treat another child more special.  

I am simply suggesting that she continues to treat the child as the other children in the home and not super special.  Actually seems like the SD has more than her children seeing as she has another home with a whole room to herself and OP's kids have one home and share a room.  

Maybe you feel a 3 bedroom is small for the "amount of children they chose to have" but honestly having to share a room isn't the end of the damn world.  This is ridiculous.  Plenty of people have kids that share rooms and have kids in small homes.  The room isn't what should matter.  That is teaching children to focus on material crap.  What should matter is providing children with basic needs and LOVE.  Possessions and material items and your own glorified space do not equal love/family/belonging.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

It's not that I'm not being supportive. I'm saying that the current tactic isn't working, even if she is getting what she says she wants.

Adults can say they want something, get it, and it still not be a solution. Something that is happening isn't connecting. I'm challenging OP to not look at this situation through her own eyes, or her BS's, but SD's.

She doesn't like that she has to share her dad and that she doesn't like having DD3. Okay, so what does SD want done about it? Dad being single again isn't going to help. Does she maybe want attention in the family? Does she want to be able to pick the movie one night and BS gets the other? Does she actually crave being treated like the other kids with punishments and less one on one time (because one on one means she's "different")? Does SD suffer from anxiety or depression but doesn't know how to express that?

She's 10. She's struggling. There's still time to try and figure out a solution that makes it easier for her to cope before she becomes an unruly teenager. I've lived through this stage with YSS, and it's a fracking nightmare from ages 10-13, where their hormones start revving up but they still have this child-like innocence that Mommy and Daddy can kiss the boo boo to make it better.

All I'm saying is help her cope. Find out why this is a struggle and come up with solutions to fix it. Dad might have to try 50-60 different things, but that's his job as a father. He doesn't get to write it off as "she's just being bratty" because it's hard. If Dad doesn't have the tools to address it, then he needs to seek guidance elsewhere.

 

Seahorse's picture

In reality Step Kids aren't the same as Bio Kids. And that's the BM's fault for divorcing(in my Husband's sitiation)..not the Step Parents fault. People need to take care of their own kids. That's the way I look at my situation. When you try and try and try to make the Step Kid your own..it never works bc the kid isn't yours..and the Step Kid is going to be jealous..bc blended families are bull****. Try to make the kid stay with their real Mother, bc it shouldn't be your problem. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I see my SS16's BM driving around with NONE of her children, no job..she's always out drinking and partying, and sleeping around from house to house..while I'm trying to raise my family, and deal with her annoying SS16. The burden of raising SS16 should be on her IMO, bc it's her kid.. Bc I don't believe in divorce, and she's been divorced twice like it's no big deal. She's ruining lives and doesn't even care. Her 2 other children live with her second Ex Husband and his New Wife takes care of them, plus her 4 children from a previous marriage..while BM is doing whatever she pelases with a big smile on her face. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

BM and DH were never married. They were dating for 2 months and BM got pregnant. They stayed together until maybe SD was 1 and BM married someone else and they completely spoiled SD, she has her own room and play room . Bs only has a room at home his BD lives with his mom so BS8 has no space at BD.i totally get with you are saying because BM split from her hubby and since then she can't be a fake mom anymore and she often times leave SD with family or guilts DH to take SD on every holiday, school holiday and whenever. BM moves 3 hours away and guess what SD was forced to live with BMs mother because BM "needed time to settle" BM never worked in 10 years until now. So I really feel like we are havibg

to deal with SD abandonment issues because no one has told BM she needs to step up or step down. So the jealous start to really get worse after BM and stepdad split

tog redux's picture

Would DH consider finding a good therapist for her? I'm sure you are right that part of it is that things changed with her mother and she feels abandoned and misses having a "family" that she feels she fits into.  Please don't just write it off as she's an entitled brat - people like to minimize the effect of parents splitting up on kids, but it does have an adverse effect, and finding a good therapist for her might help her AND you guys. 

Disneyfan's picture

If BM is a bad mother and has abandoned the little girl, why isn't dad fighting for full custody?

Both parents have  dumped the kid on poor grandma.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I told him 2 times to seek full custody but he never follows through and I can't make him do it

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then there is the root of why SD behaves the way she does. Her mother doesn't want her, and her father isn't fighting for her. She's clinging to DH so heavily because he is the one who has shown THE MOST amount of interest in being her parent.

And she's clinging harder and harder because she watched her mother abandon her when she changed her housing situation, and she's likely scared that the same will happen now that Dad has changed his house, added kids, etc.

No, it's not your problem to deal with, but your SO needs to step up his game immediately and help his daughter feel secure.

Disneyfan's picture

Thank goodness the OP's husband doesn't follow Seahorse's line of thinking.  If he did, the OP's som would be sleeping in cupboard while he looked after the needs of his REAL KIDS.

Simpleton21's picture

Her son shares a room also.  You basically expect her to overaccomodate her SD and treat all the other kids like they don't matter b/c SD is the only child having a hard time coping with change?!?! These other kids are also adapting to change.  She didn't stick SD in a closet.  She is just expecting SD to share a room just like her REAL KIDS.  Wow!

tog redux's picture

You don't believe in divorce but you married a man who was divorced?  

And you don't have to raise your SS16. If your DH procreated with a loser who won't parent her children, then the burden is on HIM to parent his son. 

 

Aniki's picture

Reading this, I get the impression that SD feels like she doesn't belong in your home. It's like staying in a hotel. Sure, you can sleep there, but it's not your stuff you don't "belong" there. I think SD is crying out for attention using negative tactics (in the DS's room). And she did say she wants attention...

I agree SD's father should find a therapist for her. In the meantime, can you "split" the room for the girls? Even small measures: a stick-on mural/picture on the wall that SD picks out, paint the wall where her bed is a contrast color that she likes...

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes if you've read the comments you know there is no reason for SD to feel this way we have jumped through hoops to make her feel like she's a part of this family and that she has a place in our home she has a room now with DD that she split it has her paintings her posters her pictures her personal items her clothes her drawer her put her bookshelf I'm not sure what else I can do at this point

Aniki's picture

For whatever reason, I believe she still feels like the outsider. Has therapy been considered?

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Before I started to disengage I did tell him about her problems or behavior and DH made excuses for her and just said she was being a "girl". I decided it would be best to disengage but nothing has changed so I brought up again just now about seeing a therapist and he said that BM keeps saying she get SD when she is "settled" on her new apartment, BM moved to another city so we aren't sure where to find a therapist and also we can't afford it right now. I'm not working at the time so we depend on DH income only and that covers bills and rent barely . DH pays child support and medicAl of course . I tried talking to SD one on one and nothing . I'll see if there's some church group she can talk to for free on our weekends?

Disneyfan's picture

Since the child has health insurance, use that for therapy.  Another option is the school.  Schools will provide general counseling services with the school therapist for free under AIS.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Many employers also provide Employee Assistance Programs that offer a certain number of free counseling sessions.

lieutenant_dad's picture

If it is through your SO's EAP, they will have a set list.

If it's just when a random therapist, then you need to consider whether BM will also take her or just your SO. If just your SO, then he needs to find one that is convenient to him.

There are some new telehealth models that can provide counseling over a tablet/laptop. That could provide more flexibility with scheduling.

Your SO will need to be part of the therapy process, so it would be good for him to either pick someone nearby or someone equidistant to BM if she is willing to facilitate taking SD to a therapist. Though, I wouldn't hinge any of this on BM. It needs to happen whether BM settles into her new place or not.

ExcellenceToolkit's picture

SD15 is super jealous of DD14. DD knows to stay away from her and we never tell SD anything because she would get super jealous if she knows we bought something or did something without her. 

Simpleton21's picture

Yep, that is how my ODS(12 almost 13) has adapted to living with SD (also 12 almost 13).  He has learned that she is manipulative and lies and wants nothing to do with her.  If she feels like an outsider it is b/c of her behavior that DH and BM never corrected.  I still after almost 7 years have BM using the "she struggles to fit in" BS to excuse her actions.  

 

Jcksjj's picture

Yep, my SD made herself the outsider with her behavior. Any attempt by me to treat her equally to the others has been shot down, any experience involving her she intentionally makes unpleasant and attempts to exclude us. Because at the end of the day she only will accept special treatment, not being one of the family. And since that's not gonna happen, until and unless she decides to accept being a slice of the family instead of the whole pie theres nothing else to be done on anyone else's part. For me it's been 4.5 years- half her life.

bananaseedo's picture

Can I ask since when is the solution to every parenting failure and brat child a therapist/psychologist?  My gosh sometimes this culture sickens me.....read a parenting book, discipline the brat, demand she straighten up.  All this 'talk about my feelings' has made this the most self-centered narcissistic generation in our lifetime.  Not every COD or person needs 'therapy' to help them 'overome' the hardships of blended family, divorce and daddy having more kids.  Welcome to life. Geesh no wonder kids are melting at the slightest inconvenience and have ZERO coping skills.  We are pu**ifying our kids and being so soft they don't learn how to have character strength, stamina....it seems 'weakness and misbehavior' is celebrated and 'tended' to via therapy/drawings.  

So because parents are afraid to discipline, therapy and schools should make up for it?  Not to mention it always seems to be the immediate recommendation here w/any issue.  

Oh sure, she should just get a bigger house even if they can't afford it, because, COD

They should go find a therapist and pay heavens knows what, because, COD

SM should spend her time to find a therapist list, consult all of them, take driving/time away from family duties because, COD.

OP...I dont buy into this train of thought.  I don't oppose therapy, and there ARE cases when this is needed...our SD needed therapy a little older then your SD but it involved another older boy who did things to her....for normal jealous sibling behavior?  HELL to the no.

SD was also super jealous of my sons- she didn't have a bedroom at our place.  She bullied, hit, would tantrum...etc... boundaries and discipline had to fix that. Not therapy.

 

tog redux's picture

This doesn't seem to be a case where it's discipline that's the issue - and yes, mental health issues are real. If you go to a good therapist, they will tell you if it's behavioral and requires more discipline, or if it's a mental health issue. And you know, therapists teach coping skills as well.

No, not everyone needs therapy to get over things that happen - but some do.  Saying that NONE of them do makes zero sense. And blaming all problems everyone has on one factor (parenting) is ridiculous. 

bananaseedo's picture

I'm not saying none do...but why does this board always jump to assuming it's mental health related every time?  Parents, extended family, friends of family can all help teach coping skills, so can parenting books, clergy, coaches.

Kids used to obtain these coping skills through life lessons, hard work, sports, activities, and extended family/friends 'aka village' approach....now every kid sits isolated with only 2 people knowing what is going on (and those parents don't speak to eachother) and we have evolved to 'paying' a professional to teach what LIFE should help teach us.  It's absolutely out of hand.  She's made no indication in that post that this is something that in any NORMAL world would require therapy.

lieutenant_dad's picture

When you've tried other approaches and they don't work, and you don't know what to do next (which is what I interpret in this situation), you have to seek outside counsel. Reading a book about parenting is just passive counseling, teaching you the same techniques you'd learn from a therapist.

Kids have to learn these skills somewhere. If the parent isn't going to teach them, or allow life to teach them, or figure out how to do it, SOMEONE needs to equip the kid. Not for the parent's sake, but for the kid and society.

Based on the responses from OP, her SO isn't stepping up to the parenting plate. He's letting it all slide. If therapy helps SD develop some coping skills because Dad can't/won't teach her, then that's the route he needs to go. No, therapy isn't a magic pill to solve all the world's ills, but it's better than sitting on one's arse and twiddling their thumbs.

He won't discipline. His parenting isn't hitting the mark. He apparently hasn't considered seeking advice elsewhere (I'm always amazed by how many of us SPs learn how to find help much faster than BPs do for their kid's problems). So take SD to a professional and see if they can help SD unf**k the poor parenting that got her into this situation.

What SHOULD happen and what IS happening are two very different things. Learning life skills is a preventative measure like brushing your teeth. If you don't do the thing, your health deteriorates. If SD is never taught how to cope, then she's going to end up with mental health issues. It's costly to fix problems after they already develop, as OP is learning.

tog redux's picture

Exactly, as someone in the child mental health field, I can tell you - at least 75% of what we do is teach people how to parent kids. That's why I say find a GOOD therapist.  Not one whose approach is to take the kid and talk about her feelings, but who can figure out what is what and help appropriately..

 

tog redux's picture

No one does EVERY TIME. There are plenty of threads where discipline is advocated and it's clear that the kid is just entitled from lack of parenting. Something about this kid says otherwise.

You do have to remember, this board isn't talking about "typical kids". These are the worst of the worst, that's why people are on here posting about them.

But OP, if she never gets disciplined by your DH (you didn't say that), then that might be part of the issue. As I said, a good therapist can sort that out.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup DH has gotten better about correcting her but he doesn't discipline her like no iPhone or iPad for the day . Even correcting her doesn't improve her attitude 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

SD is hardly EVER discpline because she constantly blames BS8 on everything. Also DH makes excuses for her bad behavior. He is getting a little better at seeing the light though

Ashleytenorio17's picture

AMEN SISTER!!!! THANK YOU! JESUS im right there with you. I'm just at wits end with SD so I was open to anything but I was raised on your belliefs! I am a SD and trust me i didn't act this way because guess what? DAD didn't have time for that BS, my dad never once spanked us but when he TOLD us we knew he meant business!  I LOVED my stepsisters and still do to this day they are my BFFS.  I believe a good FIRM talking to should do the trick because hey like you said 'THAT'S LIFE" move on! Like BS8 did he throw any tantrums when DS3 was born? NO he loves DS3, why? Because I firmly had a talk with him about it and he understood.. so pass a diaper please! SD bullies my son also. So i think what needs to happen here is DH needs to have a FIRM talk with SD (he has had many "talks" with her) because we dont have the money to please SD right now. I appreciate your comments and I am right there with you! Tha's life and if you are treated like a damn egg that may break guess what, life will be WILL hard for you!

tog redux's picture

There is a happy medium in there. Sometimes it's discipline issues and sometimes it's mental health issues, and sometimes it's a combination of both.  If her mother is somewhat loony, then it's fair to say mental health issues may be part of it.