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Should I say something or not..

Ashleytenorio17's picture

So for the past very few times SD has been over I have been noticing strange things about her ... she always leaves her unpacked stuff all over her bed so when I go in there to get items for DD ( they share rooms) I see her crap all over her bed. Well I have noticed boys boxer briefs there before ( like the tight shorts kinds) my sons wear them so I was like ok...... I didn't think much of it really but then Saturday I noticed Old Spice deodorant on her bed as well which I thought was very strange! Did she grab a wrong one or something I have no idea. I have noticed her style of clothing has changed too, before she would wear very tiny crop tops and such and now she wears extremely bagging shirts and pants , I know teens go through phases so I don't really think it's reason for concern??? I didn't tell DH because I am disengaged for SD13 completely, especially when it comes to help parent her . I brought this up to my sister who has a daughter her age and she said I need to tell DH because it sounds off and odd... what do you guys think ?


Ispofacto's picture

I used to wear boxer briefs, because thongs can be annoying and I didn't want a panty line.  Boy shorts panties for ladies are a new thing, but usually they are made out of nylon and some women prefer cotton.  I think boxer briefs are also cheaper than boy shorts.

And I love men's cologne, I wear DH's sometimes because women's cologne is too sweet.

I'm not a trans, but there's nothing wrong with that either.  In general, I'm not sure why people are so caught up on micromanaging what other people wear and do.  It doesn't affect you.


Ashleytenorio17's picture

Well women's briefs are different I think from actual boys briefs where it has the front area made for boys and men. I wear women's boy shorts a lot too but that's not what these were at all. And I'm all for her doing whatever she wants and wearing whatever she wants because you are right it does not effect me which is why I was not gonna say anything . But sometime these sudden changes can mean more , hard to tell tho.... my family thought it was concerning which is why I thought I would ask

Cover1W's picture

If you feel comfortable you may just ask her if she wants to try women's "boy's briefs" - maybe she's too embarrassed to answer? Is she developing? I remember wearing baggy clothes as a young teen too, to hide myself. And I have to say I do have some women's boy's briefs because they are comfy under certain clothing types. Oh, yeah, I do have a stick of "men's" deoderant too, because it smells better than flowers.

But if you don't want to say anything that's ok too. I tried buying the right size underwear for YSD a year or so ago and ALL of it disappeared never to be seen again (to BMs most likely). She still is wearing girls sized 12 as a 16 yo and OBVIOUSLY too small. I think she has a girls 10 or two as well (I've slowly been discarding them). But god forbid I say a word about anything, because I'm dumb apparently (to the SDs and BM).

One of my good friends has a daughter/son - she was the MOST girly girly and now she's declared herself they/them and wearing big clothes and a chunky haircut. To each their own.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Not sure. That is wierd. Does she have a homeless boyfriend that she is sneaking in her window at night, or is she trans?

I don't know. I would not say anything to her but snoop a bit more. If she is trans, that is her business. If she is sneaking boys into her room, that is your business. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Well she lives about 3 hours away and I know she is not sneaking boys in our house . If she is trans then more

power to her but I would like her to feel comfortable enough to talk to her dad about it. That's. Or something we would find a problem with but just wanna know that's what it is and offer support . 

Winterglow's picture

I'd let it go. You get girls'boxer briefs these days. The interest is that they are invisible (no panty lines) and are very comfortable. The Old Spice? Possibly just a fad - as a teen, I often wore Brut 33 (that stuff STANK). As for the baggy clothes, that seems fairly standard for many teens as they become more aware of their bodies. Let it go. What good would telling her father do? 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Sorry if I didn't make it clear these not womens underwear, they are boys or men's . Not the invisible panty line ones . I just find it odd since she was just wearing tiny tiny clothes and now with the XL shirts and stuff . But I'm not gonna say anything until I see something alarming ... I know that BM has a new BF living with her so maybe SD doesn't feel comfortable wearing those Little clothing? 

Winterglow's picture

"Oversize" clothes for girls are very much in fashion where I live. They're getting more and more fashionable now that the weather is getting colder.

CajunMom's picture

You are disengaged. Stay disengaged. She's a messy teen, leaving her clothes everywhere. As for the "male" items, could be a phase or could be her discovering who she is. I would not get involved. The "odd" things you mention are not hurting her. She has a mom and a dad. I guess I'd ask myself, what good will come from me getting involved? Will your SD thank you for telling her dad she's using male dominant items? Will your DH talk with her? Or, will it cause drama between you and your DH, cause your SD self esteem issues and other behavioral issues??? 

Nah...I'd stay away from this.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I'm thinking the same . I told this to my family "nacho kid" and they were just like concerned ! But nah I'm not gonna say anything... 

caninelover's picture

I would stay disengaged.  She may be experimenting but calling her out or asking random questions will likely make her feel ashamed.  Then probably accuse you of snooping on her.  I'd ignore it and let her parents deal with it.  If they aren't noticing her change in dress, then they clearly stuck their head in the sand.  You can't care more than the parents.

Rags's picture

an investigation on how she orients. Who knows.

My DW was raised with boy Jeans growing up. As she progressed into and through puberty she rejected that premise. They were just not comfortable for her. She insisted on girl'ss/women's. My SIL, 11 years younger than DW, will not wear women's jeans. She will only wear mens jeans.  They both pretty much say the same things only one supporting Women's and the other supporting Men's.  Only on Jeans though.  SIL is a  tank top/T-shirt and jeans person. DW wears a variety of tops and jeans.

I was raised in a tidy whiteys home.  I was in my early 30's when I discovered boxer briefs.  I triied boxers periodically over hte years.  Nope. No support, I thought I would be a briefs guy for life.  Then I found boxer-briefs..... OMG!  What an amazing invention.  Plenty of room for the junk, none of the crawling or stretching and sagging, these things are like heaven!

As for undergarments.  That is a personal thing IMHO.  For me... it is only a question of comfort.  Not a pool I would dive into with SD if I was you.

SS-30 is also a fitted boxer-briefs guy.

My 80yo dad..... briefs all the way.  And tidy whiteys only.



Felicity0224's picture

So, couple things. I have a set of my XH's boxer briefs that I wear to sleep in when I'm on my period. I can't actually recall how I came to this conclusion, but they are so much more comfortable when I'm bloated and crampy. And they're cheaper than women's underwear, so if they get ruined then it's no big deal. So maybe it's a comfort thing for her over a gender thing?

The Old Spice - I had a friend in high school who swore that it was the only deodorant that worked for her, not because of the odor but because of the sweat factor. I guess the antiperspirant is stronger in men's deodorants?

Finally, the baggy clothing this is definitely on trend. I see so many super cute girls, my SDs included, wearing stuff that absolutely swallows them. I recently went to try on jeans and the salesperson was insistent that I needed super oversized styles. I personally don't love it, but it's a thing. 

So all that to say, could your SD be questioning her gender? Maybe? But I think at least two of those three things have pretty plausible, even likely explanations that don't include a gender crisis. I wouldn't make a thing out of it unless there are other signs. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea I mean I wore somewhat big jeans when I was about her age . As a kid in the 90s growing up the was the style but I was never really into the super huge t- shirt phase tho. It's not the clothes that I'm shocked about it's the sudden change in crop top and fitted clothes to very very big clothes in a matter of weeks ..but I guess . When I was her age i wore somewhat form fitting clothes and the wide leg jeans but that rrally didn't change as far as my Style for a year Or 2 . They deodorant threw mE the most because she usually like feminine smelling perfumes, she had 2 expensive feminine perfumes on her wish list so I was like ok.... lol 

notarelative's picture

I would not say anything. My criteria iwouod be clean and appropriately dressed if she is accompanying me. Otherwise I would not care what they wore.

SeeYouNever's picture

Men's underwear and baggy clothes my first thought is she has a BF and is hiding a pregnancy. But these days every girl seems to go through an is she or isn't she trans phase around 13 or 14.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Oh jeez I hope not pregnant she is 13 although I would not at all be suprised is she got pregnant at a young age. Also now that I think about it I forgot that I found her on snap chat under the name Peter ! I forgot all about that ! Snap suggested that friend because I had them as a contact in my phone . I was like who the hell is Peter but it was SDs number 

ndc's picture

I'd say nothing. You are disengaged; no good will come of saying anything to your husband. If he pays enough attention to his daughter he'll figure out if something is up.  If he doesn't, then he probably wouldn't do anything with the info you could give him other than fight with you over it. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Does this change coincide with BM's boyfriend moving in? If so, I would at least consider the possibility that that he is in someway making her feel uncomfortable and in an effort to keep him away she is acting less "girly" and attractive. I realize this is a big jump, but I do find it odd she is making all of these changes so quickly.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes it happened around the same time which is why I bring up my concern. I didn't know if it was her like others have said, experimenting or her becoming a teen or something deeper . This is my worse fear of what is happening to her but it was my first thought that she is making herself more boyish on purpose 

Yesterdays's picture

I think there is a possibility they could be trans. I'm not saying its that, just that it is a possibility. I wouldn't say anything. If it really is the case, they will bring it up on their own time when they are ready. I would keep an eye out in any case 

advice.only2's picture

Could it be your SD13 is doing this purposefully hoping to get DH’s attention so she can start a conversation with him about her gender identity?  She could also just be following the “trends” of today which aren’t that far off from the “trends” of the 90’s when woman started wearing men’s boxers and briefs and wearing men’s deodorant and cologne. 

justmakingthebest's picture

My DD is straight as can be.

She likes to sleep in boxer briefs (the style of underwear you are talking about). She says they are just more comfortable.

She uses old spice deodorant. Men's deodorant works better. She also likes how Fuji smells. 

Now, I do want to say that baggy clothes worry me if that is a change. 1) Could be hiding a pregnancy. 2) could be self harming and hiding that. 3) Could be dealing with other body dismorphia issues.


lieutenant_dad's picture

From age 10-11, I was a tomboy wearing baggy jeans and t-shirts. From 12-13, I went super girly with make-up, fashionable clothes, doing my hair, etc. At 13, I became religious and literally overnight threw out my make-up and started dressing super modestly. At 15/16, I went alternative and eventually transitioned to a more goth aesthetic once I had money to afford it.

Each of these shifts was pretty immediate and drastic. It was me trying to figure out what I liked, and it was heavily influenced by the people I was friends with (which shifted a lot year to year because it was a time when I went from only knowing kids from my elementary school in my grade to being in a middle school where I was meeting people from all the different schools in the area to high school where I was in classes with people in different grades). Certain aspects from each phase stuck into the next and eventually helped form whatever style I have now.

Could this be something more than just her figuring out her style? Maybe. Could also just be a normal 13 year old figuring out who she is and what she likes. Ultimately, it's not your problem. Your DH has eyes and a brain (not sure he uses them, but that's beside the point). He can notice and decide if it warrants any further investigation.

Rags's picture

I wore basic boring guy clothes. The only experiement I did was with elephant bell bottoms and long hair in the late 70s.  That lasted a couple of years.  It ended with Military School.  When away from campus and out of uniform,  I went Levi's 501s  Izods and topsiders and have been stuck there for about 45-ish years.  Work wise... it has mostly been business casual.. Slacks, polished leather shoes, and a button down collared shirt.  Though I have worked in Jeans and Collared shirts company cultures for much of my career, I prefer business casual.  Not sure why. Just do.

Since my two years of wearing whatever the hell I wanted home based remote consulting during COVID 20-21 I have not gotten back to business casual which is actually my preference. That two years showers and getting out of sleep clothes happened whenever the spirit moved me.  It has been jeans and collared shirts since I got my current in person role 18mos ago.  Flame Retardant. Not because it is required of my role, but because it is required for my technician work force and I want to set the example.

I look forward to getting back to business casual... or not.  I enjoy my job.  Business casual will require a Director level promotion.  WHich would be a great challenge but nowhere near as much fun as my current role.

Back to my 501s, T-shirt, and Flip Flops that I wear at home.