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Seriously WTF

Ashleytenorio17's picture

So SD is finally over , I'm assuming only because her birthday is tomorrow so time to gather gifts . She has not been over in about a month , she is barely here now and when she is here she sleeps on one of the couches( we have 2 very large sofas) she has never complained . We are in the process of getting a bunk bed but literally she is never here, and we have 4 kids who live here . DD1 and DD4 share a room , BS11 and Ds7 share a room. We literally have no space. We are actually trying to clear out some of the babies jumpers and clean out stuff in the garage because it's way too clutter. Guess what SD13 walks in with today? I huge ass heavy cot thing !!! I'm just like omg are you serious? I know this was 100 percent BM , is SD too good for the couch. Also BM didn't even bother to ask if that was ok before lugging this thing over here. I'm so annoyed because I do not want to make space for yet another thing when we are trying to get rid of things .we also have a huge play pen that takes up most out or living room for the baby ( we have 2 big dogs that roam around) . This is just another thing SD does to gain sympathy yet never ever tells her dad anything but SD is really quick to complain or lie to BM and her family about us. Her last lie was that we force her to watch and sitter our kids which caused all sorts of drama. I guess now it's Poor SD has no where to sleep to BM gets her a cot then forces it on us. If SD was uncomfortable sleeping on the couch then SD should have said something to DH about it and we could have figured it out. I want to have a talk with DH and get this thing back to BM. What do you guys think ? 


Yesterdays's picture

You won't likely be keeping your one year old in a playpen in the living room much longer she'll have outgrown that. I had twins and they didn't stay long in a play pen. They just climb out at a certain age. Personally I would allow her to keep the cot in the living room in place of the play pen.

If it makes her feel more comfortable then I definitely feel that it's worth the effort. The other kids have a room, even if sharing. SD should have a place too as part of the family so she feels welcome.

Eta ya it's super annoying and frustrating that they brought the cot over without asking but it might actually solve a problem if it works. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

When she outgrows it then we will put it up but it's not a regular little pack n play. It's like a pen and she like to use it so it would be very time consuming to keep uninstalling or and taking it back out. The baby likes to crawl around it in and play. We can't put her out on the open for safety reasons with our dogs just yet . We could not even use the cot because BM did not get a pump for the mattresses part that goes on top ( it's a huge thing not a normal cot) . Also if SD felt uncomfortable with sleeping on the couch, after telling us it was fine temporarily thrn she should have voiced that to DH not run and cry to BM about it per usual. We could have found a solution for her like we did last night . sD is 14 and I'm sure she is old enough to voice her thoughts . Running and complaining to BM about any and everything going on in our house is not a solution for me, BM does control what is going on in our home unless it's a emergency and a bed is not that deep. The cot will go back because we can't use it anyways unless BM is going to by a pump. I'm going to tell DH that anything BM thinks needs to come in this home should be cleared and okay with DH first. Maybe BM can return the cot and give DH the money to help buy a bed since it's so important 

Yesterdays's picture

So you have thought of the baby, the other 3 kids, the 2 dogs, but have you thought of SD? Honestly I would be pissed if I were her... Because you haven't considered where she would stay at all. On the couch doesn't seem like an excellent solution. I don't understand why the other kids get such careful consideration but she gets none. Do you think she doesn't feel this? So her mom sent a cot. So she went and discussed it with her mom. I can see why she didn't want to discuss it with you as it seems like you really don't like her and she probably senses that.  and it also seems like you don't care about if she has a nice place to sleep.

I think that the whole cot thing is a way to send a message... That I would like consideration, that I would like a place to stay, to feel comfort and security. 

IDontCare3117's picture

The cot goes back to BM's or gets piled on top of whatever is in the garage.  SD will be fine on the couch for a night or two.  

Ashleytenorio17's picture

And we are already storing so much for SD. We didn't even use it because it required a pump which we don't have. We found a solution and this could have been done if SD would have told us . She never complained about sleeping on the couch 

dragonfly878's picture

She never complained to you- because you don't fall for her victim bullshit. Just send it back with BM. That sends a message loud and clear that she can't push her agenda in your house.

Your SD sounds exactly like my SS. Once i bought him minute rice as a healthier option to French fries- showed him how to do imake it. He then promptly went home and told BM that all I did was feed him rice (nothing else). Now he can eat shit for all I care because that's what I get for trying.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

It's soooo ridiculous ! Like really you HAD to send her with her own bed just to fifull her entitlement complex. It's ridiculous. When my older son goes to his dads he does not have a bed there either but they figure it out and my son never comes to me and complains about his dads house . It's like there are more important things then having your own bed when you like never come over 

AlmostGone834's picture

I would send it back to BM. I was always of the opinion that she should at least have a space (not a whole room but maybe part of a room or something) where she can have a place to sleep and store a few things (if she wanted) at least until she's 17/18 but I get that your new house you bought doesn't include that.

Realistically I don't think you're going to have to worry about her coming over very much longer anyway and tbh I can understand why she might not want to come over. At 14 she's well beyond the baby years and needs privacy. She will be wanting to spend her weekends in her own room, with her own things? on her phone, maybe being taken to hang out with friends(and we know your husband won't be bothered to carry her around)... a cramped house with a lot of little kids isn't going to be of interest to her and since her dad had zero interest in making sure he bought a house with a small room for her/guest room... I just can't see her wanting to sleep in a living room amongst a bunch of baby things. (not to mention teens like to sleep in late... something that is going to be hard to do when young kids are waking up early and wanting to watch cartoons or play).

So definitely send it back. When she comes over for her birthday/Christmas she can have the couch. Or maybe your husband can visit her outside the home (maybe take her to lunch once in a while or a movie) on weekends if he still wants to have a relationship with her. The problems with the in-laws though? I don't think there's any fixing that. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea I mean I understand her point but running to her mom and her moms family about our home really needs to stop, if she feels that way just don't come . If she didn't wanna sleep on the couch she could have told Us and we would have set up something like we did last night , she is still in the room with DD tho . I told her that I wish we could provide a room for her but right now at this moment we can't but maybe it will change, why couldn't she just be ok with that ? SD and BM both need to humble themselves a bit. We all want things in life and sometimes it just doesn't happen. I'm sure my 11 year old son would like his own room but it's just not gonna happen right now and at 11 he understands that 

AlmostGone834's picture

At 11, it's easier to tolerate than at say 14 or 15... and does your son also have to deal with having a lot of very young step siblings around? I understand running the BM and the family is BS but kids (particularly teens) can be real a- holes and I do think she feels like there is no place there for her (even though YOU have tried... your husband? Something doesn't sit right with me about him) Still that's her dad, and unfortunately we always tend to become the bad guys in the story) 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes I believe there is 1 young girl there ( not my exes, step child) but my son never complains or says anything about his dads house which is how it should be, private. Unless there is a real reason to then im assuming he would. My DH knows that SD needs a bed and we are thinking in the process of picking something out that can fit on the shared room ( it's a small room) but sturdy enough for a teen. SD knows this because DH has told her but o guess since SD stopped coming he didn't really see it as a pressing issue ? We are looking at bunk beds and the sturdy ones aren't cheap so I just hope SD will actually be over to use it and isn't just wanting a bed just for the sake of having one here

la_dulce_vida's picture

I like you and I definitely understand your situation, but I think you're only seeing it from your POV.

Yes, the other kids (most of them) live there full time and you're at the limit for space. And yes, the SD rarely comes over.

But, she was on this planet before any of the other children. At 14, she needs MORE privacy than small children and she likely feels displaced or unwelcome. She likely has her PERIOD which is awkward enough when you have your own bedroom. Imagine her bleeding through on the sofa. For the rare occasions she's over, why not have her brother take the couch and let her have his bed?

It just seems like there is a lot going on here and it's a challenge for you, but I don't think you're seeing it from her POV and I wonder if there isn't something else you can do. For instance, if either of the bedrooms has some extra space, consider putting in a hammock. There are very nice, sturdy and comfortable camping hammocks by ENO. I adore mine and sleep great. Why not hang one in a more private space or in one of the bedrooms. She'll likely think it's cool and it's something you can take down when she's not there.

thinkthrice's picture

For send it back.  Basically because she never said anything to you guys about it but went to the Mothership and reported that she was being forced to sleep on the sofa.  She needs to learn that she is not a spy for the Mothership-- that the complaint department for your house is at your house not at the BM's.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup I'm gonna have another talk with DH about this issue again later . His "talks" don't seem to be cutting it

AgedOut's picture

I'm team send it bak. But w/ no comment and hopfully some thought on Dad's part for the future. I have a granddaughter her age and she needs privacy, she needs to feel like she is a part of the house because she has space of her own. 

And I know you won't see this the way I do but give it some thought after your first reaction to my words. There was an issue and instead of Dad finding a solution, her mom had to do it. If mom understood the issue, why doesn't dad? 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea I get what you are saying . She is not the only one here who would want their own room. I had a talk with her and told her about this and she said it was no problem. Maybe some time soon we can be able to provide this but it's not now. BM always undermines us tho , she tried to control what goes on my this house for years . Like I said if SD told DH how she felt we would have been more the. Happy to try to accommodate her the best we could so BM didn't have to force this upon us with out even talking it out with DH you know? Bottom line is I know BM feels SD should have certain things even tho she had a place to sleep and it wasn't good enough . I mean even the cot she brought over was really really extra ! 

Survivingstephell's picture

I'd go the snarky route and send thanks to BM for solving this problem and let her know the SD is more than welcome to bring it with her EACH TIME she stays.  Phoney as hell in my delivery.  Then maybe make some suggestions for HER home.  

CajunMom's picture

to send it back!! Trust me, she may bring it back a couple of times but having to haul it back and forth will soon get to be too much. And I love Surviving's idea...with that note. LOLOL

Rags's picture

Next time, turn the Skid around immediately and tell it to get the shit out of your house and take it back where they got it from.

Lather.... rinse.... repeat.


Crr18's picture

Rags I so much wish my SO would parent like you do.  No bs just straight to the point always. When people ask me why I never had my own children (which of course is no one's business) I say I would have either of had the best children or I would have been in jail. 

Rags's picture

And maintained the sanctity of our home and family by enforcing behavioral and performance standards.

It could be challenging for SS.  However, he knew the rules in our home and experienced the consequences when he tried to let what went on in Spermland during visitation crossover to his real life.

We did not tolerate crap from there to impact us/him. once he came home. 

Easy to do when there is long distance visitation.  We did have to confiscate and lock up gaming systems they would give him to bring home.  Upon occassion they would demand some item from ancient history to be returned to them. Nope, it was all long gone to GoodWill.  Usually demands for car seats, toddler clothes, kid winter coats, as the three younger also out of wedlock half sibs started making their arrival.   We had a number of years when they wanted clothes... that we provided.  Which they would steal upon occassion while he was on visitation. They would return him in flea market clothes/shoes and keep his quality name brand clothing and shoes.  We would go after them for the return of his stuff.

I cannot immagine how much worse it would have been had we been under a local visitation schedule CO.

Enforce your boundaries.

IMHO, resident kids get priority on rooms and beds. Visiting kids, fit where the home and family can accomodate them.  It is not always possible to afford a home large enough for everyone to have autonomous space.

ESMOD's picture

She complains to mom because that is her "parent".. her dad really doesn't pay much mind.  You talk to her.. but I'm fairly certain she would be like my OSD was.. she will say.. "It's fine".. but you can see the resentment behind her eyes if you look for it.

But.. in a way.. this isn't your issue to deal with.. it's your husband's.  A husband who willingly purchased a home that did not have room for all his children.  I am not saying she necessarily needs to have her "own room".. but at 14.. having to sleep on the couch in a public space is also not right.  I know she comes over fairly infrequently.. but that is likely a three fold issue.. first.. she doesn't have space at your home... second.. the home is fairly "young child centric" third.. her dad doesn't spend much time with her.. unless she is being asked to go to work with him.. which would be pretty unappealing to a 14 yo girl.

I think her dad needed to make more effort to provide her a bed when she comes.. the bunk bed should have been a priority for him to get.. I mean.. that's why the cot showed up.. because she still doesn't have a bed to sleep in.  I'm not saying you and he have to accept the cot as the solution.. but your husband needs to fix this issue in his home.. 

I mean. maybe you and he could sleep on the couches and give her your room when she visits.. it isn't that often.. so it should be fine right?  (trying to make the point that you probably wouldn't want to.. so why make her do something you don't want to do? but if you truly wouldn't mind.. then let her have your room for her visit.)

In the end though.. her dad should be dealing with all this.. he should have bought a different home.. he should have at least bought bunk beds.. he should be free when she comes to visit so she isn't your issue.. but he isn't stepping up like that.


justmakingthebest's picture

I agree with all of this. 

While the cot might be irritating, BM was at least doing something to make the visit with her dad a little more comfortable for her. 

She is still a girl that wants to have her dad WANT her and make the effort for her.

My daughter is going through some stuff with her dad right now and with his refusal to make her a priority she has the attitude of I DGAF if I ever see him again. Of course, I don't allow that, but that is her stance due to her father's inactions and failure to support. This is causing damage that can't be repaired quickly and teen girls NEED and active and involved father in their lives.

Your DH needs to step up and make this about SD. I can't blame her one bit for not being happy about crashing on a couch with 4 other kids, most of them MUCH younger than her running around. There is no privacy and no peace. She should be allowed that. She might have visited more if she was given those basics. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture


This past weekend my DH and I went to a friend's house. Between them they have 7 kids and none of them are together. They have a 3 bedroom and 1 bathroom situation going on, BUT each child has a place to sleep in a bedroom. They all share rooms, none of the children have their own rooms, but they have a small space in a bedroom to call their own. You can make it work, but to be honest neither of you care to make it work. I GET that in the past you went out of your way to make her have a space and it blew up in your face, but she is a kid, not only that she is a TEENAGER and they get moody and grumpy regardless if you give them the world. Your husband needs to look past what was given before that she was or appeared to be ungrateful for and make something for his daughter at his home where she should be welcome whether she visits as much as she should or not. Again, she doesn't visit two nights out of the year, it is more than that.

Livingoutloud's picture

Why did you get two big dogs if there's no place for humans? And why did you guys buy a house that can't accommodate such a big crowd? Not saying she needs her own room but at 14 she needs something else rather than a couch in a living room.

Why didn't she talk to you? You don't like her and she likely knows it but dad just isn't available, neither emotionally nor time wise. It's understandable she talked to her mom that she has no place to sleep at dads.

It's also understandable why she doesn't want to come over. Dad isn't available and she has zero privacy or comfort in your home. Not too many teenage girls would settle for this, many would try to skip visitations whenever possible 

SteppedOut's picture

Hey OP - this is not on you...not at all. Seriously you have been supporting your whole lot for a long ass time now, essentially on your own. Has your husband been able to get a full time decent paying job yet? Seriously, there are open jobs everywhere and if there really are none in your area for him, perhaps it is time to consider a move to an area that he is able to obtain work. 90% of your problems would be solved if he had gainful employment and could help you to provide for your shared family and provide minimums for his daugther.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

with SD and BM on this because I still don't think it is right that a 14 year old coming to see their parent should be sleeping on a couch while the other children have a physical bed. I do understand that she is not there as much as them, but she is also is there more frequently than 2 nights a year. I think it is really unfortunate and sad that her dad would purchase a home that does not have ANY room for her. She does not need her own room for the little time she spends there, but sleeping on a couch with no privacy at 14? Yeah, I don't agree that is appropriate and I don't blame her for not feeling wanted. 

She is still YOUR HUSBAND'S DAUGHTER and she is being treated like an unwanted house guest. I will say though that it is not YOUR problem, it is your husband's problem to figure out and deal with. I think a lot of these behavior issues and annoying issues would be less if he had made her a priority a long time ago or at least started treating her like somewhat of a priority now. 

I don't care if it is a cot, a trundle bed, or something, but she comes often enough to have something more than a couch to sleep on when visiting her dad.