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SD birthday coming up RANT!

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I have been on here a lot lately due to the constant drama of SD and BM but mainly BM! We have not heard a peep from her since she went off on DH last weekend but I'm guess since SD birthday is around the corner she will be making her request to DH, what is he doing for her and getting her and such. It just so happens also that her birthday weekend falls on DHs weekend which is the weekend of the 26th.. yay me! My thing is I'm sorry but I don't wanna shit for her at all, I know that sounds mean but given how she has treated all of us I don't think she deserve shit from people see doesn't even care about seeing. She still has not seen her baby sister since she was born on July 18th... and who can forget her/BM text on the day DD was born ... basically making it about her and how our kids and ruined her life .... usually my MiL will plan something for her but I don't even think my

MiL will since I made it very clear to MiL last weekend that SD does not come anymore on her weekends with DH. I know SD will most likely make a appearance on her next weekends with us to collect her gifts of course but I will not be doing shit for her like I normally do such as gifts or ordering her cake . Also DH is not working full time so he can't really afford to lavish her as I'm sure she is expecting. Who knows maybe BM will actually do something for SD for once since SD is turning 13. Normally BM has always left birthday planning or parties on DH/MIL to plan. I'm wondering what do people who have disengaged from their step kids do on birthdays ? 


classyNJ's picture

SS20 was good for this when he didn't live here.  Now that he does, I do NOTHING for him for his birthdays. I am disengaged from him only.  

DH will get the card, the gift (paid solely from his own account) and make him his favorite dinner and do clean up.  I will eat said dinner and cake but that's it.  I will say Happy Birthday but I do not sign the card.  DH will sign my name.  When SS20 says Thank you to me, I tell him, Thank DH he is the one that did all of this.

SS24 I will ask him what he wants, get it, and either make his favorite dinner and cake or take him out.  

stepmomnorth's picture

People who has engaged from their step kids on their birthdays do just that... Nothing. Stay disengaged. That means don't think about it and don't stress on it. Say nothing and do nothing. If your partner or bio mom wants to do something they can. If they ask your input.. Just tell them to do what they want. 

Maxwell09's picture

You get her nothing, and leave whatever your DH has planned to do up to him to get done. If he wants SD to have a party then he can foot the bill and get his mother to help him work that out. If he is the absent minded type then don't even mention it to him. Let the day creep on him so that when SD shows up with her hands out, they can both look foolish at each other. When you DH asks you why you didn't get her anything, you respond with "Why would I? I don't buy cakes and birthday gifts for the other kids in the neighborhood even though they'd respect me more than she does." If she wants to pretend you and your baby doesn't exist, GREAT! Keep it that way when it's birthday and gift-getting season. 

stepmomnorth's picture

^^things actually get much easier when you start to adopt this mindset. It's truly disengaged 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup DH has not mentioned and I sure as hell am not mentioning it like I would in the past . I'm leaving everything up to him and why plan something and she not even wanna come ? That's gonna be my excuse if anyone ask me. " oh I thought SD was not coming , she doesn't like to come anymore " I think I might even be petty and make the day about DD since we just did photos of her . I might have to enlarge it, frame it and give it to MiL as a gift on that day lmao...!

SeeYouNever's picture

I can count on my fingers how many times SD has been around since I had my kids and the older one is 3. I used to be upset about it but it's probably a blessing. This way SD doesn't have much influence on my kids. They barely know who she is. I'd say having my first was the beginning of SD almost entirely opting out of visits... Except around Christmas.

I get SD a token gift and have it mailed to BMs. Checked the box.

dragonfly878's picture

If BM reaches out he should just reply with "I haven't received confirmation from her if she's even planning to come here- I'll wait to move forward with planning anything until I hear from her directly given her track record over the past several months." ... and just leave it at that.

Felicity0224's picture

After I disengaged from doing things for mine, I stuck to sending a happy birthday text on the day, and having DD call them at some point to sing to them. That's it. XH would inevitably withdraw cash from an ATM minutes before they would show up, once he realized that I really hadn't gotten them anything "from him."

Cover1W's picture

I was done helping with OSD's birthday on her 13th. DH and I hosted an overnight with about 5 of her friends. She asked that I make a special dessert. Which I did and gave her a nice gift card to a store she loved. I got precisely Zero thank yous, was not introduced to ANY of her friends OR their parents (BM and DH were there - ugh, BM, I know - and NO ONE introduced me. I was furious and told DH that was unacceptable afterwards).  So I was cold-turkey done.

I stopped helping with YSDs b-days when she was around 11 or so, and had total meltdowns each time. The stimulation was too much. She'd then not eat the special meal NOR the dessert she wanted me to make the last time. I told DH no more, he was 100% in charge. Luckily she basically stopped doing b-day parties here and moved them only to BMs. Where apparently she has friends over and eats just fine. I only now give her a card for her b-day (which she never opens in front of me), no gift. She never asks for anything and just shrugs if you ask her what she'd like, so done.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Omg how shitty wow!!!! I don't think I could be in the same room as BM. She only had one party for SD at her house and that was when she was still married many years ago we went and it was ok...... but now she is separated and bitter AF . And I never ever get a thank you , hell I don't even get a hi when she comes over and any gifts I would give her in the past would stay at our house unworn, unused and untouched so I stopped getting her things. 

hereiam's picture

I'm wondering what do people who have disengaged from their step kids do on birthdays ? 

Absolutely nothing.

Once my SD had her fit and stopped coming over, I didn't even remind DH about her birthday (he knows the date, he just doesn't keep track of what date today is, if you know what I mean). I just truly did not care.

hregal2011's picture

My SD16 has her birthday coming this September 22....I plan on not acknowledging it.  I'm sure DH will ask what he should do for her and I will just shrug my shoulders.  Last year he took her on a special trip to Salem for the day, just him and her.  I thought that was cool. She really wanted to go-but he had a horrible time.  No idea if she enjoyed it because she doesn't show emotions.  She did yell at him for opening doors for her (he is old fashioned in those things) he explained it s not because he doesn't think she Can open them, it's because sometimes you do nice things like that for ppl you love.  She could care less...

so I'm interested to see what develops this year.  As of now she has not been here the last 2 months. 
mom disengaged, and sometimes struggle with it (I hate seeing DH treated like shit and basically get rear ended by I occasionally put her in her place-gently)

I vote do nothing. Maybe suggest he do something With her. Then you don't have to deal with either on the 'special day'. Lol

I'm Enough's picture

My SD usually calls to remind "Daddy" about the upcoming blessed event. If she did this year, I do not know. I did mention it to my DH yesterday as it's next week and I don't want him to be embrassed, I know, I know, I did it for him, not her. Anyway, it'd be my fault somehow if it was not mentioned. I do not sign the card or send the check anymore. I leave the room when he calls her. I'm done asking if she got the check or present,  "Yep," so I've disengaged. She is in her late 30's. has never remembered my birthday or acknowledged the death of my father eight months ago. I don't know what I did to recieve such destain from her. I did not break up the parental unit at two years old. She had four loving parents. I got sick of the two birthdays, two Christmas's, two Easter bunnies....These kids are so self centered and entilted. I am over it, and "I am enough." I hope you find this out sooner than I did. Good Luck.

hereiam's picture

Haha! Yes, SD's phone calls used to really ramp up the month leading up to her birthday. She doesn't do it so much anymore, probably because she learned that it didn't make a difference.