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A rant on SK phases

Ashleytenorio17's picture

So I think last year around Christmas time SD was going through a skateboard phase ( most likely because DH use to skate ) so she wanted a skateboard so her and DH could skate together .... DH bought her one which was about $100 and we Neber saw it again ... I think she brought it over 2 times and both times she never used it . I think she used it for maybe 2 months and we never ever heard about it or her interest in skateboarding again. So her birthday passed in August, DH didn't have a job so he was unable to get her a gift but I made her a few bracelets ( I have my own bracelet business ). So now DH sees a few items coming from Amazon for BS11 ( I used BS birthday gift card to buy these items or he uses his allowance) these items are all soccer related like a goal , gloves, ball. BS11 plays soccer and is very much obsessed with it. DH makes the comment "I still owe SD a birthday gift so I think I'm gonna buy her a guitar, I told her I would buy her one "  I'm thinking why? For her 2 month phases... now all the sudden she wants to play the guitar when she never ever mentions it when she is over , who is gonna teach her ( DH does not play) another expensive phase ... I tell her why doesn't he get her a gift card so she can buy things she needs such as clothes or shoes , especially since it getting colder now ... also maybe BM would appreciate that more since he is still behind a bit on his child support!!! I'm sure BM would prefer the money then to get SD a $100 guitar ... I tell DH all this and her tells me in a direct tone " I TOLD her u was gonna a get her a guitar so I am!" I said DH does she still even use that skateboard you bought her ??? He claims she does and asked me "are you there to see her use it?" I said umm are you ??? I just think that he needs to stop indulging her in these expensive phases especially when he is just starting to make a bit of money and I just got done paying the damn bills ! Ugh just a rant but it's ridiculous... oh and I was the only one to pick and buy our kids birthday presents  

Comments

ESMOD's picture

My SD's did phases too.. tried different sports.. activities.. I don't think it's too super unusual.  I do think your DH should be upholding his share of finances in the home.. before he starts looking at spendy presents for others.  In the grand scheme of things... a 100 dollar guitar isn't too extravagent.. but if your budget is normally much lower for family gifts.. I would be frustrated at him splurging just on one person.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Right ... he is not financially okay to be spending $100 on a phase item , well not even extras really. We are ( I am really )in the process of buying a house and trying to save so I was upset by this and I was the one who got DD and DS their gifts for their birthdays and it was under $100 

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is a DH issue, not an SD one. Kids go through phases, especially as teenagers, to figure out who they are and what they like. I remember being super into girly fashion and make-up, then becoming super religious and wanting Bibles, devotionals, etc, then shifting to a goth kid who was super into Hot Topic, obscure music and concerts, and making my own art. Softball and Bible Quiz were tossed in there, too, and neither were cheap.

My point is, kids explore who they are and what they want. They'll think they like something then move on to something else. The only way they can explore their wants is through their parents. I don't think buying SD a guitar is a bad thing, but until she shows some aptitude for it, it's probably best to purchase a used guitar for $50 (which is easy to find). That way if she does stop caring it's no worse than buying her literally anything else.

$100 on a skateboard for a kid who doesn't skateboard is asinine. A new guitar for a kid who doesn't play is asinine. When my SKs got into Dungeons and Dragons, they got a starter kit and cheap dice. As they have shown interest, we've purchased the books, minis, better dice, dice bags, etc. YSK showed interest in fencing, so we bought cheap gear and signed them up for beginner classes. After a few sessions (and ET not helping - different story) they weren't into it anymore. Yeah, we spent some cash on it, but we kept costs to a minimum. We could have EASILY bought them a ton of gear, got them private lessons, bought the best-of-the-best, but that's just dumb even if we have the money for it.

So, again, this is a DH issue. He isn't listening to his daughter, isn't putting in the work to give her the lifestyle he wants to give her (or if he is, he just can't afford it), and he's using his guilt as an excuse to make dumb decisions. None of that falls on SD.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup... it's VERY asinine because SD has not expressed wanting to actually learn how to play it, who will teach her ? BM already pays for priviate lesson on volleyball for SD and that seems to be something she is very much into . But she just says these passing things to DH and he runs with it .... just like the skateboard thing . You are right you start off cheap to see if it's something that will stick and if not atleast you will not lose much but $100 on somethinh that I know will not go anywhere is ridiculous.... he could easily ask maybe give he $50 and say "get something you really want " and maybe she could save for a guitar if she really wanted it but chances are she wouldn't ...I know if BM saw that DH bought SD a $100 guitar and still being behind a bit on CS that would start. Whole topic and she would be right 

LostandDefeated's picture

Sounds like DH is having a hard time separating friend from parent. My husband went through this stage when SD17 moved in. He got her a shotgun for bird hunting (that she hardly uses, she uses my father's more than anything). $600 collecting dust. Spent $1300 on a dang dog that she hardly does anything with (probably going to another home soon).

But, I had to have a sit down talk with him many, many times to get him to understand he is doing no favors to his daughter by indulging in her expensive needs and wants. She has a job. She can pay for it herself. We're done purchasing anything that is over the top expensive, or she can ask her mother, who in fact has no problem spending money whether she has it or not. I reminded him, who will be here at the end of the day me or her? He acknowledged it was me. During one of our fights over this, and giving excuses for her behavior, attacking me personally because of her, and so on, I said fine. Then we will separate, I will not live like this anymore. She's trying make me a stranger in my own home. 

DH has to understand playing Disney land dad only sets up their kids for failure. The constant defensive remarks and behavior is teaching their kids entitlement. The kids will grow up thinking everyone owes them and they have to do nothing to earn it. They will require respect from everyone and do nothing to gain it. These kids are the ones our DHs complain about it, but yet they unknowingly are raising those types of kids. I suggest having a sit down with your DH. May take several times, but if he has the ability to understand and reason he may come around. Try to avoid attacking phrases, like your SD did this and that. Try, this is happening, all I ask is maybe pay closer attention. It will not change over night, I don't know how your DH responds to sensitive subjects, so hopefully he will be willing to at least try.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

You exactly described my SD13 alreadt, super entitled and zero respect for anyone so this is my argument here... it will make her worse 

strugglingSM's picture

I think if your DH is not working and is behind on his CS, then he has no business getting a fit for SD. Sometimes kids need to sacrifice if there is no money and that's okay. 

We've spent so much money on things SKids supposedly wanted that just sit untouched. The latest was both were really into "hunting"...or rather, the idea of hunting. DH promised them he would get them shotguns for their 16th birthday (just like his father did). We requested that they ask for gift cards to cover part of the cost. They did, but DH's family didn't give them the requested gift cards, so the only one giving them gift cards was my mother. We ended up paying at least $500 each for the shotguns...the shotguns that SKids begged for....that have not even been put together. They sit in our gun safe, in the boxes they came in. DH took them out to the family cabin when he took SSs, so that they could assemble them and try them out...nothing. Now, one SS barely comes to our home because he's too busy. The other one will still come, but he was always a bit afraid of firing a gun, anyway, so I imagine they will sit unused in our home until we move when SSs turn 18, at which point, DH will (maybe) give them to SSs, if he feels they can store them safely. 

We also bought a bunch of ski equipment one year (spent about $1000 a kid on skis, gear, and passes). SKids desperately wanted to go skiing, but then always seemed to make weekend plans, so we only went about three times. DH insisted we get them 3-day ski passes this year and one is already saying he can't get three days off work between December and March to go. I suppose, at least they brought their skis back...last year, they insisted upon taking them to BM's, where they sat unused in her garage. I think one didn't bring his boots back. I told DH that if we got passes, that was it, they would need to get gear (jacket, pants, gloves, rentals, if needed) (because even 3-day passes cost over $300 and money is tight right now). He assures me they will, but I know they won't, so if we want them to use the ski passes, we will have to pony up. DH told MIL that she should consider getting them ski gear for Christmas, but she always refuses to buy what DH suggests, in favor of asking skids what they want and also refuses to buy anything that she thinks DH should pay for outright. Every year, we've gotten them winter coats, because BM refused, saying it "wasn't her responsibility" to get winter coats for them to play in the snow with DH. Not sure what they wear when it snows at their house because I don't think BM buys them winter coats. So, we always had winter coats for their EOWE visits, which seems foolish to me. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I agree, kids go through phases. Parents should encourage their kids to try different things, BUT in a way that is affordable.

Ashley, has your H secured full-time employment yet? If not, you need to tighten the screws a bit. I think it's sad he couldn't even get his kid a birthday present, and sadder still you're forced to be the breadwinner. There's some sort of disconnect there if he's talking about buying guitars when he can't support himself, much less his family. It's critical he finds a solid job with good benefits and pulls his own weight - THAT would be a great present for all of you. I know you dislike your SD,  but feel your irritation is misplaced. It's your H's actions/inaction you should be focusing on, not his kid's.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

He does not have a full time job yet . It's not my distaste for SD that is angering me . She is entitled yes but it's DH that is supporting her entitlement that I am upset with and the fact that I am supporting us all but he thinks he needs to get SD a guitar just because she is going through a phase. I tried to tell him that right now is not the time to be buying guitars and he got upset with me and said what he said "I told her I am getting her one so I am" also the fact that BM would see that and fuel the anger texts and she would be absolutely correct so why give BM the excuse to bitch ... i told him that BM would probably prefer the money to help her with SD sports and stuff over you getting a guitar for Sd 

AlmostGone834's picture

"I told her I am getting her one so I am"
 

"Ok but just so you know rent is due on the Xth and this bill is due on the Yth and this bill is due on the Zth. I'm going to have to have you cover half of them because I just can't this month and I. Don't. Want. To. If you have money to buy a guitar for SD then you have money to cover half the bills. And if you don't? There is Uber, DoorDash, etc" 

Honestly I don't know how or why you bother with this guy. He has more kids than he can afford and frankly he seems lazy. It seems like you are always struggling to keep the family afloat. That would not sit well with me.

I would say dump the loser and at least collect what you can out of CS but that's just me.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Oh yes I constantly ask myself this question but unfortunately I love the man ... he told me he "feels bad " he didn't get SD anything for her birthday and it's like well that's the reality of not have a job or steady income. My question to him is why he didn't feel bad about not getting DD 3 a birthday gift or DD 6 a birthday gift because I used my money to get them something and I damn sure was not spending $100 on them so if he gets something for SD he needs to make sure he gets something for his other children. 

dragonfly878's picture

This would bother me more than anything- he does something for his oldest but neglects his two younger daughters. I'd ask him about that. "You feel bad you didn't get anything for SD for her birthday- do you also feel bad you NEGLECTED your younger two daughters, too?" I'd be pointed with that laungage. Just because you covered the gifts for them doesn't mean he's off the hook. What he does for one he should do for all and if he can't then he may need to pull his head out of his ass before he promises anything to anyone...

Ashleytenorio17's picture

He just sent me $300 to get the kids winter clothes but I had to tell him everything I pay and I'll be damned if I'm the only one buying the kids clothes while he gets SD a $100 guitar. I tore him a new last night so this morning I saw he sent me $300 for the kids. He just worked a big photo job so they paid him last night thank god. But you guys are right ... no way on earth will I continue to pay for all this crap anymore . Things are gonna change 

lieutenant_dad's picture

The kind of love needed to sustain a relationship is the kind that includes action.

Like, I may FEEL anger towards someone, but that doesnt mean I should just walk up to them and punch them.

Conversely, all because you FEEL love for someone doesn't mean you should deal with their crappy actions and behavior.

I felt love for my XH for a very long time, even after he told me he wasn't attracted to me, that I was too fat to f*ck, that I would make a horrible mother because I was crazy, etc. Feelings can't hold merit in the face of actions, or inaction in your case. What you NEED is for him to act. You can't make him do that, no matter how much you feel love for him.

And clearly his feelings of love for you aren't equivalent since he isn't taking the needed action to help support you, your kids, his daughter, and your household.

bertieb's picture

SS wanted a guitar, DH took him to get one and SS got a 12 string! Never played before and this was way more than he could handle.  It got worse!  DH offered to buy SS a stand up desk for Christmas and let him choose that as well. We ended up with $1,000 Christmas gift for him which was the desk and a bunch of accessories, like a balance board to stand on. We have 3 other kids plus 2 have spouses and one has grandkids. Did everybody get $1,000 Christmas gift, of course not!! I just don't get these men and what they are thinking when it comes to buying some kids gifts.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes exactly... I know this will turn into " now she needs private lessons, DH are you paying for that " because why would you get a guitar for someone who has no idea to play if they weren't getting help somewhere?? DH has no idea how to play and no one in our family knows how to play or in Bm family . Unless SD plans to teach herself ?

CLove's picture

SD16 Spms goes through phases too. Or she will get obsessed because her friends are obsessed.

I agree that it is a positive way to find out who you are figure out what your passions and dislikes are. But she got her sisters uke, doesnt hardly play, then a bass, doesnt hardly play (plus she didnt ask if I wanted to hear her practivcing bass....). Then the art stuff - she ONLY does digital. I never see her doing it but IM sure she does. People keep giving her art supplies, they remain untouched. She has zero interest in sports but someone gave her a skateboard.

So all around it hasnt been too bad.

But your H doesnt have a job. What funds is he so liberally indulging SD's phases with?????

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I agree phased are good , I went through several but not any that would be expensive on my parents . I just had a conversation with him about expenses and how he can't afford extras like that right now.. all 3 of our kids need warm winter clothes and I told him if he has extra money like that then he needs to be helping me buy them or put that extra money towards child support her owes. He was gonna sell this expensive rash guard he won and get her guitar with that!!! I'm like um no any extra money needs to be spent on things we need or to help me carry the load wtf 

Winterglow's picture

Ask him what else he has to sell because it's time he started pulling his weight for the bills and child support. Remind me again why he isn't paying his share of the bills, would you?

SeeYouNever's picture

Ugh we went through the same thing though thankfully my DH has always been employed. It's always a mixture of SD showing interest and DH going all out.

BM is just as guilty as is DH though BM usually is pushing her own agenda and she would sign up SD for all these extracurriculars at SD wasn't even interested in or only had a passing interest in at first and then quickly grew to hate. Having your kid in a million different extracurriculars is a status symbol and BM didn't even have to pay for it. Her parents would pay for the extracurriculars and then she would ask DH for money. I actually had to tell him to ask for an invoice to be sure that he wasn't paying for the whole thing and only paying for half. I'm pretty sure that beam's parents paid for most of the things and then DH was also paying BM so she was really making out on all these passing phases.

Then we would talk to SD and she wasn't even doing any of these activities anymore BM was just pocketing the money.

I think phases are normal for kids and it's important for the adults to push them a little bit when they want to give up too quickly. SD is very good at giving up when things start to get difficult. The only thing that she seemed to really enjoy was dance and BM wouldn't let her continue to do that one for some reason. She was all for encouraging SD to take on all these new hobbies and interests but didn't actually support the one that SD enjoyed?

strugglingSM's picture

Oh yes, BM's parents (or in some instances MIL) would pay for things for Skids and BM would still demand that DH pay "his share". Then she wanted "his share" to be 50%, even though (based on both of their incomes) his designated share in the CO is 30%. 

She once demanded he buy "football cleats" because SS needed another pair. DH said he could buy them, but not until the following weekend. BM insisted that was "too late", so she would buy them as long as he paid "his share". She then sent him a receipt for the football cleats and two other items (including candy) that DH didn't approve. So, DH sent her a check for 30% of the cost of the cleats. She sent him a nasty message saying his "partial" payment was "useless to her" and ripped up the check and sent it back to him in an envelope. Then she ended up selling the cleats online. 

BM has been demanding that DH tell her "how much you will contribute to college" for years....neither Skid is academically prepared for college and neither has any idea what they would study (one has "hated" school since I met him when he was in the 3rd grade). DH put money from an inheritance aside for skids college fund while he and BM were married, but she cashed out the funds because she "needed" the money for her business. Also, Skids have told DH that BM's parents have money set aside to pay for them to "go to college" (for two kids who are now juniors, but read at a 7th grade level and are in remedial math), but I'm sure BM will still demand that DH pay. The one thing that will save him is that in our state the NCP pays the school directly, so no way for BM to keep the money for herself...on the off chance that they actually do somehow enroll in college. 

AgedOut's picture

the man who has no money coming in shouldn't be the one deciding to waste it. 

 

I gave my kids the 2 month rule. If they had a new interest that cost more than I was willing to waste, I made them wait before purchasing anything for their new interest. If at the end of those 8 weeks they still had interest, I paid for a portion but they had to earn the other portion BEFORE the item was purchased. If it was more than say $200 for me, then they had to wait until the next birthday or gifty holiday. When it came to them having to spend their own $$$ it's amazing how quickly they became uninterested in spending it friviously on a fad or a brain itch.

 

If lessons were involved, they had to finish the paid for time frame or the season for a sport.  

 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup. Well he work 2 big jobs through his photography and got a pretty good check from them which I told

him he needs to save and pay child support . He gave me money to help buy the kids warm clothes, bought the stupid guitar ( off Facebook market) and put the rest to the house but still he needs to have better ways to costantly make money and such. He told me he is going to do the same thing you have mentioned, give SD a time frame to actually use or show interest in learning how to play the guitar . If he sees she is not showing interest he is going to ask for it back and sale it . He also said that he will not be paying for private lessons because it's on her to learn it if she was really interested. He said he told her there are many good you tube videos out there for beginners... I dunno but I told him no more after that. We give the kids money for holidays like we planned and if SD is interested in somethinh she can buy it herself just like my son does