Moving on.. in every way
We moved into our new house this past weekend and yes it has been hectic during the move and everything is a mess but the home is so much better! We are on living in peace amongst the moving chaos . While packing up DD3 and SD13 room I got rid of a bunch of junk from SD and DD. Anything from SD that has not been worn or used in 3 years was gone. I took apart her bed to keep it for storage , I told DH then when we moved DD 3 and DD 8 months would share a room since the baby had no space . After what happened during SD "visit " DH fully agreed with it . We are gonna get one of those pull out beds for SD whenever she decides to come visit . But I must say it has been prettt darn nice not hearing drama from BM but DH and i both blocked her after she continued to attack us . Nothing from SD either so I guess we will be having a peaceful Easter Sunday .not sure how long this tantrum will last but for now it's been good
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Enjoy this peace!!!
Enjoy this peace!!!
Peace,,
congregations
Best of luck and joy in your new home
Tantrums are best ignored and
Tantrums are best ignored and then require contrition and authentic apologies. You will probably get none of that so DH can see SD outside if the home. BM is demanding complete control so give her what she wants. Drop the rope. At 13 you haven't heard the end of it yet. But you can have a peace filled home if you want. Boundaries are your friend and with this new move you have a chance to make some but more importantly, to enforce them. Lay them out with everyone and be consistent. Let them do their work. Disengage from all the drama. Let your body heal from all the chemicals in your brain that go with being submerged in the drama. It will take some time but your posts of late seem to be getting more intense.
Yes I have told DH is SD
Yes I have told DH is SD wants to come in this home for a visit she owes him , me and BS12 a apology. But I'm not moving anything for her . The only loss we will take is probably her call phone that I'm sure BM will not mail back and I don't even want DH reaching out to her for it
Happy Easter
Happy Easter. You get to have the best kind of holiday - one that is free of sulking stepkids. If she asks if there is an easter basket for her just tell her there are a few brown "eggs" out in the backyard if she wants to find them in the grass. He he.
Well I can't celebrate too
Well I can't celebrate too early . SD just texted DH on HER phone that was suppose to be suspended if he was meeting BM on Friday ! Im like of course it's Easter weekend!!! DH said he was waiting for BM to get a new phone her SD but he said she should have had enough time and he is shutting it off for good. I said oh is she gonna act like nothinh happened??? I am not happy about this because I made plans with my family and I got the kids their Easter stuff and I know she will causes drama when she sees she didn't get anything .. I guess my nice drama free Easter is foiled ....
if she causes drama, oh well
if she causes drama, oh well Dad best be all over that because (repeat after me) She. Is. No. Longer. Your. Concern.
Make it clear to your DH what
Make it clear to your DH what you will do if she throws a fit...nothing. it's his job to step in and remove her from the area so she can calm down. Or HE needs to get her something since it's not going to be you. Be prepared and make sure your DH is too. She doesn't have to ruin it for everyone but herself this way.
Yes all true
Yes all true
Congratulations on the new house! I am not trying
to be negative nancy over here and I know there is A LOT of drama with your SD, but what are the living arrangements for everyone in the new house? It sounds like when your SD comes over you will have a pull out bed for her in your two youngest girls' room and not any dedicated space of her own when she comes over? Not saying that sharing a room is a problem, but it sounds like not even a bed or anything that isn't able to be put away quickly will be set up for her. If that is the case, wouldn't surprise me if your SD comes over even less because she will feel pretty unwelcome if the arrangements for her are a pull out bed and such. It would just strengthen SD's/BM's narrative and perspective of how unwelcome SD is in your home.
I am not trying to give you a hard time or discredit why you feel the way you do about SD, BM, & BM's mom. Anyone in your situation would be frustrated and angry, but over the years of reading your blogs, it sadly feels like you are trying to push your DH to give up on his daughter because it isn't smooth sailing with SD, but don't understand why SD does not feel welcome. I am not saying BM and BM's mom do not push SD to have those feelings or try and put narratives in her head, but if SD feels that way whether they told her or not, I cannot blame her. There are people on here that do not get along with their minor or even adult skids so they leave the house or have their SO spend time away from the house with their child/children, but are not trying to make it so the minor child cannot come back to their parent's home. I would get it if there was SA allegations or was a danger to everyone in the home, etc. But instead your SD sounds like a teenager who is being amped up by family on feelings that are already there.
I know we all hate the comment about you know your spouse had a child previously before you got married, but this is true and I feel bad how unsupportive you come across about DH having a relationship with SD. He can have a relationship with his daughter without you and your involvement. Meaning you 100% disengage and it is on your DH to do everything relating to his daughter if he wants to, no more time at the house without him there, etc.
I could be off base, but that is what I have been getting from your blogs, especially of late that you would be more than happy if your DH just fully gave up and never uttered a word about or had anything to do with SD ever again. There are times my Dh has said how much easier and less drama there would be if there was no SD, but I am not over here like "you're right, let's just stop having a relationship with her to make our lives easier." Instead I understand at times my DH feeling that way and feeling badly (he has vocalized this before) about bringing me into the drama and all that comes with steplife and let him have his moment of frustration, but remind him that it is not SD's fault and we can't punish her for things out of her control, she needs her dad. DH then stops his pity party about it and on with life we go. It is okay to have thoughts like that, but acting on it is totally different.
I do like how moving does help clean out things that everyone in the house no longer needs, it feels refreshing!
I just don't care anymore,
I just don't care anymore, that may sound harsh but it's true . SD and BM have caused drama and issue sicnce day one. I was seen as a intruded since day one . I have tried to go the route of accepting SD as my own , watch her, get her what she needed, she had her own room when my own children had to share. How did she treat it? She trashed it and would throw my kids out , she thrn shared a room with bS when they were younger and that also did not go over smoothly either so then she shared a room with DD. That has not gone will either but she has always had a space in our home until she showed she doesn't not care about our home or anyone in it so SORRY but NOT SORRY. I need a space for my children that actually live in the home 24/7 . When SD feels like coming over she will have a pull out bed for when she decides to come back and DH said that was Ok with him. My son does not have his own room or bed when he visits his dad. I did not have my own space when I would visit my dad. SD had her own space and she didn't appreciate it or appreciate anything that was provide for her to have her own space .
When I say own space, I mean even a corner
of one the children's bedrooms would suffice, something that feels at least a little more permanent than a pull out bed. Again, you can feel that way and have nothing to do with SD, but it sounds like you are encouraging your DH or at the very least desiring your DH has nothing to do with his own daughter and I think that is really sad for both SD and your DH.
BM in my situation has caused drama since day 1. SD is not 13, she is only going on 7, so it is drama coming solely from BM at this point, but I would never encourage or hope DH stopped being a part of SD's life.
It is unfortunate all the drama that SD has caused alone, but I really can't blame her to some extent. She is a teenager, your DH isn't present when she does come, there is no room for her at your house, and kids are intuitive, they can feel when they are unwanted.
All I am trying to say is disengage 100% from SD and steplife for your own sanity, but please don't encourage your DH to also do the same. SD deserves the time and attention of her father just as much as the kids that you two share do. Sounds like the role models she is primarily around (BM and BM's mom) are not great examples of how to act so you can't expect a child who is not taught the correct way to behave to behave correctly, especially when they are feeling like an outsider in their parent's home.
Also I have never ever once
Also I have never ever once told my DH to just not have a relationship with SD,'I have told him to set boundaries for her and with BM but when he does he gets this push back and he is not allowed to set them
I really wasn’t trying to be rude
Or hard on you, but when you use in your posts I told DH "if sd" comes to the house, when your SD is only 13, makes it seem like you don't anticipate her coming there. For a bit I have been biting my tongue on saying anything but honestly it reads that you wish your DH would just have nothing to do with your SD anymore. Yes, the kids that are there 24/7 do get preference, I'm not disagreeing with that, but for a while have been saying how SD doesn't want to be there or doesn't feel welcome and I can't blame her for feeling that way. I just hope for both yours and SD's sakes you can disengage 100% and your DH works on his relationship with SD. She is still his daughter and is only 13 years old, she deserves to feel her dad cares about her too.
Look I know you don't know
Look I know you don't know fully what goes on in my home so I won't argue but if you read my blogs you will know that I have been the one telling DH that SD really needs to come on her weekends and not make excuses to not come . Yet she does over and over . She has always had her own space here so I'm not sure why you are you are saying she has not. She had her own space until we moved this past weekend. I have fully disengaged from her which she has a problem with also and used it against me to DH and my in laws which has caused problems in itself. So if I'm fully disengaged but then you say she is not coming because she doesn't feel welcome ? She is not coming to see me , she is coming for her dad who has tried to spend one on one time with her. He would text her and call her daily even tho he gets ignored . Also SD has told DH she does like to come because she is bored. We have seen the text between her and BM and SD says over and over she doesn't like to come because we don't do anything exciting . Also I don't buy that she is only 13 as a excuse for bad behavior. My son is 11 and behaves a hell of a lot better then she does .
I have to agree with Notyouraverage.
I have to agree with Notyouraverage. I don't mean to disregard the bad behavior of SD and her family, but part of the issue now is that SD does not feel wanted at your house. Your feelings are perfectly understandable, but she knows you really don't want her there. And from her perspective, her Dad doesn't really want her there either. I know he needs to work when he can, and I know she does not come on a regular basis - but when she does come and he is gone most of the day it only feeds the narrative that she is hearing from BM. She is 13 and the natural state of a teenager is to be self absorbed.
I get not wanting to go to the effort to create a space for her when she is hardly there. I think the point we are trying to make is by not creating a space, you are going to give her another excuse not to come. Again, I am not trying to say your feelings are not justified or that SD has not done things to make you feel like you do. I'm just saying that I understand, to a degree, why she might not feel welcome in your home.
How can she not feel welcome
How can she not feel welcome when she has always had a space or room on our home and we plan things when she is here . Again you don't know everything, you are basing this off one weekend. We usually DO PLANS things to do when we have her because I also have BS11 the weekends we have her . Also DH has told her she needs to come On her weekends because he wants her there , I mean is he suppose to beg ? It's obvious that SD
wants to be chased. I have gone out of my way to make her feel comfortable in our home by providing what she needs such has her favorite snacks, foods, clothes, toiletries , etc. but again I just recently stopped and disengaged 100 percent because all of what I did was not appreciate because she STILL would not want to come over . This is when she complained about me to DH and I then told DH why I was disengaged . DH told SD " how can BM form a close bond with you when you have said you don't want to be here and you are never around" which SD said nothinh so I think she just wanted to complain about me without wanting real action. So I get what you guys are saying but really you don't know what all goes down in my home but I thought I made it clear . SD has always had a place on our home so her not "feeling welcome " just does nothing for me because she has always been welcome. I know teenagers can be difficult but I have 3 teenage nephews who are very respectful and responsible. I have a teenage niece who is very caring and always wantS to help out . So that's 4 teenagers I know personally who don't act up or Display disrespectful behavior. So no I don't use "teenager " as a excuse to beablE to act up anytime and create chaos . Maybe I was raised differently but you respected your parents and those around you and if you didn't there were consequences. Yes when we move last weekend I made the decision to put my 2 daughters together in the same room . I have asked this question here about SD having her own space while my DD have none and pretty much everyone agreed that when SD decided to come she could sleep on the couch, pull out bed or something. Also DH did NOT protest my choice because SD , like I said always had her own room/or space and she still would make it clear she did not want to come to our house . So do I care anymore if she feels welcome after trying for year and years? Nope, I'm gonna worry about my other 4 kids . If DH wants to create a space for her then he is more then welcome to, it's on him and it's not really my job . I'm done with it all and I'm not really concerned anYmore... this is all on DH now
I understand your point of
I understand your point of view. She had a space she did not want or appreciate, she had the care, the concern, the attention, the events & activities and she turned her nose at them and rejected them. You've offered an olive brance and a bridge and she broke both apart and treated everyone in your home as lepers. At some point you stepped away but let Dad continue as he felt it necessary and she still tried to ruin your happy home. You're screwed over when you do for her, you're screwed over when you don't. Same behaviors from her either way so you are focusing yourself on your life. You haven't told Dad she's not welcome you're just not willing any longer to lie on the ground as her welcome mat to be spit on and have her nasty wiped all over you. You dropped your end of the rope and stopped begging someone to be happy at your home wjhen they're going out of their way to be nasty.
Thank you , finally someone
Thank you , finally someone who gets it! Every thing you have said is true! I am done but that doesn't mean DH has to be . He got a random text from SD asking if he was meeting BM Friday , this sounds like something again from BM pushing SD to be here and especially because it's a long weekend BM wants her break.
i told DH it's fine y make sure that SD wants to be here because I will not Have Easter weekend ruined for us because SD was yet again forced to come .
I agree that there just doesn
I agree that there just doesn't seem to be a "place" for SD in her dad's life or home. And.. not just a physical space to lay her head down.. the home is filled with "little kids" and it's not a big home.. I imagine a lot of what happens is younger kid centric.. and little kids are loud and distracting.. and she probably feels that she doesn't get much quality time or attention with her dad when she comes.. and while she may have had a room at one point to herself( if that was what I understood at one point she had her own?). I wouldn't say that a kid being messy in their room is a sign they don't appreciate it.. they may not have the organization skills.. the habits .. or with brief visitation the time to keep things as neat as a pin as someone would like... shoot.. they may not even know how to do it.. my SD's grandmother had a lot of time with them and she waited on them hand and foot.. cleaned the room they stayed in etc.. because "she wanted it done right".. well she didn't teach them any good habits or skills.. and it was up to me to try to impart at least a little bit of order for them when they were with us.. like making their bed every morning.. putting away laundry etc..
I mean.. I get it, it's tough.. having FOUR kids to potentially be in the home at the same time? Two very young.. and a teen and a preteen of opposite sex.. The reality is that the housing needs for your family is really 4 bedrooms.. one for the HOH... and the two little girls could share one.. the boy separately and a 13 yo needs a room that is fairly private and it's not really a good setup to have her share with babies/toddlers.. and not appropriate for her sharing with an 11 yo boy either... of course SD room could be used for other purposes when she isn't there..but what has happened is kind of a self fulfilling prophesy. She doesn't have an adequate space with adequate privacy for a girl her age.. so she doesn't want to be there. Her dad isn't able to just carve out time for just her because there are 3 other kids in the house.. and yes.. in many families there are multiple kids.. but SD has relatively little time with her dad.. and when she finally is coming.. he is out of the house... doing side work which would not be seen as "quality" time with her dad.
And.. I know that my SD's put up with having to go to work with us when we ran a cruise boat operation.. it was probably not a ton of fun while we were busy and they had to keep out of the way and play "quietly" downstairs while the guests were aboard. But we really tried to balance that time with having really fun activities on the other days of visitation.. and their dad worked hard to keep connected with them... daily calls and texts in addition to his visitation.. and it was a habit he did from an early age..
But.. I get it teens don't see their parent's struggles.. the adult decisions.. she doesn't see the perspective of her dad being a human being with needs and wants of his own.. that he has to balance what everyone needs and wants. All she sees is that she doesn't appear to be part of his "new" family.. with a SM that is not a fan of her.. and lots of rug rats to deal with which is probably annoying to a kid her age. Some kids like babies.. some are not fans.. (I was in the latter category)..
But.. with a mother who is pressing to make her dad appear to be a non issue in her daughter's life.. and a stepmother happy to not have to deal with the issues surrounding her? and a father who is not being a strong advocate for his daughter's needs.. probably in part because he is hurt she is not more open with him? it ends up being a situation where she just keeps drifting further apart.. and yeah.. I would have no interest in coming over and sleeping on a pull out couch.. that is honestly not an acceptable space for a member of the household.. and that is what she should be considered..even if not full time living there. I'm not saying she deserves a room wholly dedicated to her.. but a dual purpose.. guest room and her room when she is there would probably have made her feel more welcome.. but the less she feels welcome.. the less she is there.. the less they feel the need to accomodate her.. which means she feels less welcome.. rinse repeat.
Yes exactly!
This is what I was saying. I was never saying the OP is wrong in feeling the ways she was about how SD didn't appreciate what she/they did for SD or that she needs her own dedicated bedroom 100%, but that SD has her reasons of not feeling wanted, they need more space in their home or get more creative with the space they have, and sd deserves her dad to be there more both physically and as an advocate for her.
Well I'm sorry but what SD
Well I'm sorry but what SD needs or wants and what is the actually reality of the situation is just a too bad sort of thing . Life doesn't always cater to what you want or need . And if you can't seem to cope with it then life with be very hard to adapt to. My BS11 doesn't have a space at his dads house when he goes and it doesn't bother him at all, yes there are kids there. When I was growing up there were times when I didn't have my own space at my
dads and I slept on the couch . Didn't I make a big drama about it and not see him ? Nope sure didn't because I was there to SEE MY DAD not my "space" or "room" and if this is the situation right now then it is what it is. It may not always be so but for now it is. Also DH has MANY MANY times tried to have one on one time with SD and she refuses . Also how can he have quality time with her when she doesn't want to come ? When she is over I am nice to her , I make all her meals, I make sure her things are clean and washed, I constantly give her things ( small things like eye shadows I find at marshals, favorite candy ) I try to make conversation with her and she ingores
is . Even my Mom made a comment on it one time when I brought her with me to ulta . So we have made her feel welcome but as someone just posted it will never be enough. It will only satisfy her when i am out of the picture and my children are as well
I took some time to read some of
Your old blogs since you said I have no idea what is going on and while it is true no one will ever understand the situation fully because we are not in your shoes, I think your comments about how welcome she feels speaks for itself, by you referring to SD as a "little shit" and "Oh poor SD13 her dad doesn't spend time with her, he dad has distanced himself, SM hates SD so poor her!! Yea I have had enough!!!!" I TOTALLY get being frustrated, but it is very clear your hatred for her and wishing she would stop coming. It would make it easier for your son and the three additional children your husband and you share.
Yup all true and I do not
Yup all true and I do not regret at all what I have said. I am not the only one on here that doesn't care for their Step child. She is the only child I have a issue is , I get along with alllllll kiddos. But I do not do well around selfish, entitled brats at all
Does your DH
Know you hate her and think of her as a little shit, entitled brat, etc.?
I do not hate her, there's no
I do not hate her, there's no one that I flat out hate. Do I think she is entitled? Yep. Do I think she is a brat? Yup . Do I think she acts like a little shit some times yup! And I'll say the same about my Own kids how they act sometimes tho it's rare but the difference is I actually parent my kids . I hold them accountable for their bad behavior and if they do something really bad the have some sort of punishment. SD has none Of this . DH does know all of it
I get your "doneness", OP.
I get your "doneness", OP. Dealing with a HCBM is one thing, and if the kid is little, i get separating the feelings for the kid from the BM, being the bigger person, and all that. But dealing with a teenage girl is another thing. When you've been trying for years only to be manipulated/insulted/overall shite on by a combo of the teen, the BM, and *your own in-laws*, even a saint would have enough. You aren't her mother. Focus on you. Your DH may have tried to handle this mess but he did not protect you from his ex and his own family teaming up. Fixing his relationship with his daughter is on him. You have small children to raise.
I absolutely agree with the
I absolutely agree with the idea that this is her DH's issue to fix his relationship (or not).. with his daughter.
It's not OP's responsibility to advocate for his child to have a room and a bed in their home.. She is HIS child.. it's HIS responsibility to have a home that is suitable to accomodate all his children... same for having vehicles that accomodate HIS family.. (that includes SD).. it's HIS responsibility to maintain and nurture a relationshp with his child.. his responsibility to prioritize his daughter when she is in his home vs being out of the house.. planning things on her visitation weekends etc..
This is not OP's fight to have for her SD.. it's her husband who should be insisting his daughter is considered part of his household.. but he is allowing his daughter to be marginalized by his household organization.. and it's on HIM that it is happening. It give the outside players a chance to point out to SD that she doesn't matter to her dad.. which makes her simultaneously needy and standoffish to him.
This!!
This ! Yes I have stopped
This ! Yes I have stopped allowing this to be put on me. I told DH before the move what I planned on doing with the rooms and he had no issue with it. He is trying to parent and hold SD accountable for the treatment of him, and our house but she never is and acts like nothinh ever happened. I just have a issue with her cussing out my son and her not even apologizing for it . Not apologizing for the rude things she has said which brought in sooo many people into our business and lived at some point a child must be held accountable for the things they say and put out especially if involves others negatively judging our family . You know ?
This.
This.
In a prior post, this absentee father wanted to his daughter punished at BM's house for cussing...at BM's house.
Weird priorities.
BM House or not she called my
BM House or not she called my son a Fking loser and went on and continue to bully and cuss him out . And We or I pay for her for her phone. So yes of course she will be punished because thats how we speak to each other especially ones we consider family. Are you ok with your children calling each other a fking loser and just going about there day? If BM accepts that type of behavior BM can get her a phone and do it on her dime.
Agreed. I have put a lot of
Agreed. I have put a lot of this back on him
I complete get where you are
I complete get where you are coming from. I spent years trying to form a bond with or like my OSD. There was an in-between time for a couple years, ages around 11-12 where we were getting along then the PAS kicked in to high gear and she became just awful to deal with, not only with us but she had a lot of friend issues and issues at our local school. Through another parent I learned that she was one of the bullies/stuck up kids that was smart and could turn it onto others, boo-hoo everyone is picking on me. Including DH and I. So I disengaged from her and let DH take over. It didn't improve and went downhill. There was simply nothing I could do and her behavior was so disrespectful I was glad she left. DH did know that I didn't care for her and liked not interacting, but I told him in a very careful way. When he started saying the same things about her (mean, entitled, uncaring, no sympathy/empathy, etc.) I just let him with not much comment.
When she started refusing to come over to our home...you cannot "force" a 13 yo to leave BMs house (esp. when BM supports them) or to get into your car or much less take the school bus to your house and not BMs. It was a losing battle with this. There was no option for court because of the $$ and really, they can't force her into a car either. We left her room as-is for over a year. Until we decided to re-do the flooring for the downstairs. DH made that decision and was the prime person in cleaning it out and deciding what to keep or not. We still have one box of stuff in storage of hers but it'll be gone in the next year or so, by the time we downsize. When she got angry at DH for "re-doing HER room" he told her how long she had been gone and that she was welcome in our home when she wanted but that he wasn't going to hold it like a museum for her, nor did she get to determine how it was redecorated if she wasn't coming over at all. This was when she was 13/14.
So I get you Ashley - you just have to not insert yourself into the drama, don't stoke the fire, let DH have ultimate control. You discussed the room with him before you moved, as DH and I discussed the use of my OSDs room before it was re-done. It's unlikely she will visit for long lengths of time (and OSDs old room has two nice futon couches and I can vacate the office nook if needed) so as long as she had a place to sleep that is suitable for her and your DH then so be it.
Thank you . I think a lot of
Thank you . I think a lot of people don't get it Until they are living it. It's nothing but drama and chaos when she comes and i seem to be the target no matter what I do! If I disengage I'm the mean step mom and if I try I get shit on by SD , BM and everyone . So I just say my peace to DH and he decides how to handle SD and he has been trying to set boundaries but the push back gets worse and worse until we are all attacked . I would be lying if I said I would sad if she didnt come anymore. But I'm not telling DH that SD should not come, DH has been hurt by the things SD has told everyone behind his back and for her to just continue like it never happened is not something I would let my own kids get away with . It's obvious how BM was raised and how she is rasing SD but it goes against how DH is trying to father SD , he is not allowed to really