More annoyances of BM
It just won't stop with BM , just Monday she was ranting to DH about how he "doesn't help her " financially with anything and now of course spring break is coming so here she is yet again texting DH her demands I'm sure which requires dumping SD on us or MIL or SIL so BM can yet again have a break. Nvm the fact that she just had a long break of SD on x mas for about 3 weeks. Just last weekend on DH weekend BM was encouraging SD to stay home so she did. Of course she has to be in control and it pisses me off! Like now it not the time! We just had a inspection done on our rental home because we are constantly getting sick and the inspector found 8 health risk so now im Scrambling to find another place to live and rent until we can buy a home! So we are trying to move ASAP and we have a ton of packing to do so I just don't think it's the right time for SD to be here because BM wants yet another holiday break! Ugh jidt yet again venting but this woman is testing me
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If spring break is not DH's
If spring break is not DH's time, it's a no go. "Sorry, we will not be available those days."
Well just so happens is
Well just so happens is spring break starts the Monday after DH weekend which I'm sure BM calculated her plans " can SD just stay through the week and I get her the next weekend " ugh I do not need this added stress! I'm gonna be trying to pack and I'll have my other 4 kids here, not to mention I'll be working from home. Lord help me. I don't even think DH should get SD because we just had her Christmas break then SD was with MiL for a week and SD also spend NEw years weekend with us
End of problem.
Drop the SKids off to BM at the end of DH's weekend. BM can deal with Spring Break.
Put her to work. Make SD
Put her to work. Make SD miserable helping out.
You have a CO for a reason. Use it.
Sorry, I can't remember are
Sorry, I can't remember are your 4 kids with your husband? Is he a step parent too?
Just curious because if he is, I don't think you can do anything other than suck it up. If he has to put up with kids that aren't his while going through this housing issue, why wouldn't you?
I get the issue is BM wanting to pawn her off while collecting her CS and just living her best life while y'all are going through some stuff- but we can't tell our spouses to deal with our bios while resenting their bios existence. Now, if we are talking behavioral problems and hygiene issues, that is completely different!
3 of our children are DH. I
3 of our children are DH. I have one BS11 but since he is older he pretty much stays to himself and does not require as much attention as DD7 months, DD3 and DS6. This issue is also anytime there's a long break and it's DHs weekend before, BM will word it to SD that SD is staying the week after and she ask "who do you want to stay with for the week" when in reality that is not the agreement with DH and a lot of time BM does not ask anyone beforehand about keeping SD a extra week. BM words it after she forces SD to pick a place to stay for the week "SD doesn't want to stay with you for the week, she wants to stay with your mom" when really SD should be going back with BM on Sunday after DH visitation time is over . She does this every single Time there is a holiday break
To me, the hardest thing is
To me, the hardest thing is living at the whim of BM. Idk what OP's custody schedule is like with her older son, how much OP and her ex make decisions about OP's household without her DH's input, or really any of the situation. We don't really know what's "fair" between OP and her husband when it comes to OP's bio child, but having BM call the shots based on her social calendar and how she feels and OP just having to suck it up isn't. OP should have a say in if and when any COs aren't followed, both her own and her DHs, and vice versa. Making OP suck it up, and her DH suck it up, will just make both unhappy. Why not encourage all involved to follow their COs or (try to) modify them if they aren't working? And communicate with *each other* and not just their babymammas and babydaddys about any proposed changes?
This ! My ex and I follow the
This ! My ex and I follow the court order agreement , we alternate Christmas or sometimes we split the holiday . As for spring break we sometimes half the week if my ex request for days during spring break if not then I keep BS11 . Any communication I have with my ex as far as schedules go of there is a change or anything I always communicate this with DH. DH is always in the loop so to speak.
It is great that you and your X successfully collaborate.
It is sad that your example is a rareity.
In our case, the manipulation by the toxic SpermClan was so constant that the answer to their requests was an unequivocal NO!.
We never told them to read the CO. We just enforced it... to the letter. When they violated, we punished. Not that they ever bothered to read the CO. They made shit up as they went along.
It took a few court clarifications to keep them in their lane. First, travel time in both directions was on their time. Second, if they refused visitation, for any reason, they did not get that time added to a later visitation and they did not get to take it at any other time. Third, If they failed to return SS's property at the end of a visitaiton, they were required to pay. Not that they did pay. When we pointed that out to the family law Judge the response was "I am not small claims court. Sue them."
What is the holiday schedule
What is the holiday schedule in the court order? Spring break is every other year for us
This year spring break falls with BM....she probably hates it because she cant get drunk on st pats and we will be getting a call the day before that from the children being coached to ask if they can come over and my husband will want them to come over and I will argue and throw a fit until it gets canceled and everyone hates me for it! You shall follow the schedule for visitation and hate me for it
You need to look at the court order and only follow that for visitation. Financial help and complaints arent valid if child support is set and paid.
BM2 is receiving child support and medical since 2008 but last year after she was hospitalised for alcoholism and liver problems, she came clean that the children had never had any medical and asked if we could cover them under our insurance and in exchange she would drop the support. Well it was all an act because as soon as she was released from the hospital, she went back to her old ways and never revisited the convo again. It really does not matter because she will probably end up in 100 of thousands of medical debt since one of the children is having regular episodes...
Your DH needs to start
Your DH needs to start insisting that the CO be followed, both for SD coming when she's supposed to and not coming when it's BM's time. He is a doormat on that front. This is going to continue for as long as he allows it.
Whatever the default
Whatever the default arrangement is in the order should remain. Any changes above and beyond whats laid out must work for both parties or else its a no go. In my opinion. If it's not on the custody schedule then you have every right to say no to a request and it stays status quo. "sorry that change doesnt work for me." If this means she has to make alternate arrangements, then so be it, but it's not on you
In the CO I think it states
In the CO I think it states that spring break is alternating and if DH wants SD on Spring Break and it's not his time then he has to put in a written request . Last year in not sure what SD did for spring break but DH was working I believe so SD most likely spend it with BMs mom .
Visitation in our CO was 5wks
Visitation in our CO was 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1 wk spring (all of Spring Break). The variable was winter break on even then odd years. Even years their visitation was from the day school was out until 12/24. Odd years it was 12/26 until the day before school started after New Years.
The SpermClan regularly tried to manipulate, guilt SS into begging his mom for the SpermClan to get more time, etc.. Nauseatingly, they also would periodically refuse all visitation for a year or more at a time crying poor mouth that they could not afford their share of visitation air fare. Their manipulation for more time usually closely followed the end of a year of more of them refusing visitation.
The kids are the ones who suffer. As does the quality side of the blended family equation.
Say to BM that with all this
Say to BM that with all this extra time at your house that the CS needs to be recalibrated. Make it all about money and get losing some. She's financially taking advantage of DH. She signed the CO , she agreed to it so make her uphold it.
Exactly. Why should OP and
Exactly. Why should OP and her DH have to live at BM's beck and call and pay her for the privilege? "BM, it looks like the custody you have of SD is too much for you to handle. Let's modify the CO to give you the breaks you need." Either BM really is overwhelmed and isn't just in it for the child support and she will accept the changes, or she will fall in line to keep her sweet paycheck. Worked for my SO.
DH needs to file a contempt motion with the court each and every
time BM denies him his visitation. As Minors, kids do not and cannot refuse to visit. The onus is on the CP to deliver the kid to the NCP per the CO, and the onus is on the NCP to return the kid to the CP in compliance with the COd visitation schedule.
In our case, each party was responsible for transporting the kid to their own location. As the CP household, we had to deliver SS to the transporting adult who would get SS to SpermLand. When he reached the age where he could fly as an unaccompanied minor, we were responsible for checking him in for his flight and paying the supervisory fee for unaccompanied minors, The SpermClan was responsible for those things on his return home after SpermClan visitation. Each party paid for the air fare to get the kid to them.
Our CO included the long distance visitation schedule (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring). So we did not have the EOW/EOWE related drama that local visication schedules often generate.
We never denied visitation. Though the SpermClan on several occassions over the years refused to return the kid on time. Always with some bullshit excuse. Because my DW's childhood BFF is the daughter of the Chief of Police who then became Sheriff when he retired from the PD when the SpermClan failed to surrender the Skid per the CO, flashing light police cars would show up where ever they were and my FIL would collect the kid. He was reposessed at their home several times, at a family reunion gathering, at restaurants, and at church on several occassions. SpermGrandHag was always mortified, embarassed, and offended. Tuff shit Hag. If she had not violated the CO, she wouldn't have had LEOs invading to collect the Skid.
For those who do not have a LEO connection to help, contempt motions are the way to go IMHO. Every time the opposition violates the CO and for damned sure every time they do not surrender the kid per the visitation schedule.
Know and enforce the CO to the letter. Bring the pain and deliver an abject state of misery on BM when she fails to comply with the CO. We used every available legal, financial, social, and humiliation tool at our disposal to protect the Skid from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. The CO is the tool to make that happen. Zero tolerance works. Try it.
Review the CO with the Skid, in detail. So when BM whines about being chewed out by the Judge, the Skid will have the facts.
When BM allows SD to stay
When BM allows SD to stay with her on DH time your DH needs to give BM a hard time about it every time. Text her 'as per our CO' and 'please respect and stick to our custody schedule' document it and take her to the cleaners every time it happens. So she starts to realise he won't let it go. Then when she asks him can SD be with him more on her time, he is firm and says NO every time. DH needs to explain to SD she does not get a choice where she stays, it's the parent's decision. BM will rant and cry to begin with but eventually with persistence she will cave as it's a losing battle for her.
It just takes a chunk of DH time, determination and motivation to want to do this and that's what's hard sometimes.
100 percent. Both ways,
100 percent. Both ways, giving up your time and her giving up time. Stick to the court order, plain and simple and don't make any changes at all. If the co-parenting relationship was fine I would say sure make changes. But this just won't work with a high conflict parent who causes drama left and right. Be firm.. On both sides of the requests. Have her during your time. Don't take her during bio moms time.
Yea last weekend when SD didn
Yea last weekend when SD didn't want to come because "she had home work" he told BM again that SD is to come when it's his time to have her . I told him also to stop communicating things for SD through BM. He had a talk with SD directly that this all needs to stop ( again) so we will see if she comes on her weekend which I'm sure she will because BM is planing on leaving her in town past DHs weekend
I do not agree with using SD
I do not agree with using SD as the mouthpiece for BM <-> DH communication.
DH needs to climb BM's ass for interfering with his visitaiton. SD gets no say. SD needs that message, but BM needs to be the the one feeling the pain and getting her ass chewed. Each time she fails to surrender SD per the visitation CO.
Agree with Rags. DH only
Agree with Rags. DH only communicates to BM not use SD. Involving SD into the conflict and making her responsible is unfair and she will resent him for it. He only needs to speak to SD so she understands it's not her decision and understand this isn't her fault. It's BM's and he needs to unleash on BM the responsibility of following the CO and make her accountable to follow it.
Well the issue is that it's
Well the issue is that it's easier for SD to tell BM "I don't wanna go" and leaves SD With out the responsibility of doing the dirty work herself which is why she keeps getting away with out. BM loves the fact that she gets to tell DH "SD doesn't want to go to your house" this is made obvious when BM goes on her rants and says " SD tells me all the time she doesn't like going over " ok well if SD feels that way then SD needs to express that herself, she is 13 and doesn't get to always get out of being held responsible because BM is the mouth piece for SD . SD gets people to speak on her behalf many many times and this has caused a lot of issues in itself . SD has lied to people about me and SD is never confronted on it which is why I suggested DH talk to SD directly and cut out BM. If SD Is forced to answer for herself chances are she would not give DH any excuses .
In our case, at least, that
In our case, at least, that wasn't true. My step daughter got used to telling her dad she had homework or whatever excuse for not coming.
Even if it is SD not wanting to visit... BM needs to be slapped
with a contempt motion and dragged to court for an ass chewing by the Judge.
Kids do not get to decline visitation. Only the parent with the visitation ordered by the court can declind the visitation. If the CP fails to provide the child per the order..... they are in contempt and should have to answer for it.
Every time they fail to surrender the child per the CO.