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Do your in-laws play favorites?

Ashleytenorio17's picture

My MIL does and it's really annoying . Maybe not favorites but she treats SD12 differently then DH and I kids DD3 and DS5. SD doesn't really give a crap about DH mom, she never asks to see her or anything . I mean I get that's just probably how kids are but still. At MiL house she has a lot of photos of SD framed from when she was a baby still up until a few years ago. She hardly has any photos of DD or DS framed. Maybe like 3 photos at the most . So one weekend we took photos together with DD, DS and DH as a family . SD was suppose to be in them and DH told her we were doing family photos that day but SD didn't wanna be in them and ended up not coming , later SD stated she wanted pictures alone! So I went through the trouble of printing out the photos we took and put them in framed for MiL. Did she put them up?? NOPE! And every time SD finally decides to be around SD MiL is up her ass and giving her money... but I guess ... well MiL ended up texting DH last week she wanted photos of SD and she just wanted her to be in them . I'm like really .... so yesterday DH took photos of just SD ( DH is a photographer) and send them to MiL , probably about 10 photos and of course MiL was gushing over them. I'm willing to take bets that SDs photos will be framed and hanging up before she puts out the other photos of DD and DS . I just dunno how to handle it ...

Comments

ESMOD's picture

you don't handlle it.. but your DH should.  he should tell his  mother that it is unkind to not show equitable treatment for all her grandkids.  ie photos.

but.. yeah.. my MIL treats my BIL's family as golden.. my DH's girls are great but she is hyper critical of them.. the irony is if it weren't for my YSD.. she would be dead since she wsa the only one to give a damn enough to take her to the ER when she almost died of pnemonia a couple of years ago.

 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes it really bothers me especially when I went out of my way to give her photos and such of the kids . Maybe she didn't wanna put them up because she feared hurting SDs feelings but SD didn't wanna be included... ugh that's horrible why do they do this ?

dragonfly878's picture

What would happen if you pointed out the obvious in a joking way? "Jeeze looks like we know who the favorite is based on all of these pics!" Say it in front of a crowd to public plant the seed... Make it light hearted a little "I was just kidding around" you'll probably strike a nerve with her- but calling attention to it might force her hand to make her change? If you notice- someday your kids will, too.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea I actually told her when I gave them to her "here are some recent photos of us since I noticed you don't have any up, SD didn't wanna be included in the photos " if she still doesn't put up the photos I'm gonna call her out like you said . 

dragonfly878's picture

I absolutely would!!! You are the voice for your kids- and while they may not notice now, it's not right. Your DH should also say something but if he's a go with the flow kind of guy, it might not happen.

It sounds like it goes beyond the photos, too. I'd say something joking and light at first and then if things don't change- I'd be a bit more direct...

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes he is very much not wanting to upset his mom type of person. If it were me I have no issue calling my mother out on it. I'll see what she does with these photos of SD but I'll still ask her about the ones a gave her. Also when we get school photos next year I'll see how she handles that. Yes it goes waaaay deeper then photos . I don't really like to be around when SD finally makes her appearance at MiL house . It's beyond annoying. 

dragonfly878's picture

If she still doesn't change, guilt works too- "DS or DD (whoever is older) asked me why there weren't any photos of them... I didn't know what to say, what do you think I should tell them?"

I would make her feel like absolute shit- Especially if other people are around make sure you have an audience so that public shaming can do the rest... 

Mamabearof3's picture

Your DH should have never taken and sent the photos honestly. My MIL favors SD over our kids severely. And my DH has cut all contact with her over it. Now SD is the only grandchild she sees at all. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Right . I was thinking the same especially when SD had the chance to take photos with all of us! Why did MiL have to single SD out .... makes it only worse also when she gave SD the $50 this past Saturday it was DDs birthday 

Mamabearof3's picture

Yea no that's not okay. If DH doesn't say something you should. Your kids will have to live with that for life if it's not fixed. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea i really really didn't even want to go to SIL house with SD but I goer along real good with my SIL and my SIL is great with the kiddos . I have been letting it slide but I was like why did you have to give SD $50 for when it's not even her birthday or anything ... it was DDs birthday. She always gives SD money when she sees her. Lucky for me it's not too often but still. I don't think she should have singles SD out 

AgedOut's picture

maybe stop taking them over if it's so glaringly obvious that grandma favors one child over the rest. say something like "it's hurtful to favor one child and since it isn't going to change, I'm going to protect our kids and give them attention from me. I don't want them to be hurt when they figure out how grandma really feels but you enjoy the time w/ SD and your mom. I understand you are fine w/ it but I am not."

thinkthrice's picture

Playing favorites is all-too-common even in so-called intact families.  My paternal grandmother favored my uncle  (the younger of her two sons), his wife and  children over my mom and us and made it painfully clear.  She treated us like servants whereas she was always treating my cousins out to various places like Marineland and Game Farm.  Even when we were caring for her in her old age and practically on her deathbed she did nothing but bragged on my uncle aunt and cousins.  My mother finally spoke up and said "where are they now?  They certainly aren't taking care of you but we are!"

And not surprisingly my mother favored my younger sister over me with boatloads of photos and practically no photos of yours truly. 

Even my kids noticed it.  Fortunately my sister is childless so the opportunity to favor any children of hers has been nixed but I'm sure it would have occurred had she procreated.

 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Omg wow that really sucks! I have no idea how I would feel if my own family did this to me. Sorry you had to go through that. My mother fortunately treats all my kiddos equal, I have a older son from a previous marriage and she treats them all the same as well as the rest of my family. 

diver111's picture

I would just let it go. Same thing happened with our family. SD is golden child with framed photos everywhere. My two boys could care less. MIL knows what she is doing, that is her choice. There are consequences. 

dragonfly878's picture

I deal with a very entitled SS14. On DD2's first birthday my MIL insisted on making her cake (she's a baker). Anyway, SS INSISTED that she make him a cake, too. I shut that shit down quick... publically... so that he could learn that not every day is a celebration of him- that he can be happy for someone else and enjoy a piece of his sister's cake. He was so pissed he skipped the party and went back to BM's house two days early. Too bad, kid! MIL respected my boundary and did not make a cake- but she did drop off a piece of cake to BM's house the next day so he could have a piece... I was fine with that (that's entirely on her and she respected my boundary) but I would be dammed if she made him a cake on DD's day. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Omg !!!!! Wow! My SD is very entitled since she is the first grandchild from my DH and the only one he has for about 8 years ! And this just feeds into her entitlement, it's DDs birthday yet you get money too SD . My SD is 12 but she looks and acts like she is 15 no lie. Also DH had to make a point to tell SD "grandma asks for picture of just you" I'm like really.... huge eye roll! My SD use to cry at our kids birthday parties lol. I guess you got less days with you SS so score lol! That is absolutely ridiculous tho.  One time my SD would not come on her visitation because we got my oldest son a new bunk bed lol. 

dragonfly878's picture

That's rediculous!! The jealousy and entitlement knows no limits... the world does not revolve around them and the sooner they realize that the better. I hope your DH puts her in her place. Mine tends to shy away and I've disengaged but if it involves DD I speak freely.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Oh the jealously is absolutely ridiculous!!! My older son Who is 10 from my previous marriage lives here full time and she just can't take it. When DD was born she started to come less and less. So I would say SD is here maybe once a month if even that. She makes MiL petty her because poor SD is "excluded" in like oh lord she does it to herself!!!! 

dragonfly878's picture

If SD gets sulky around MIL perhaps ask her why she's excluding herself? Make it seem like you're coming from a place of concern when in reality all you're doing is calling her little ass out...

"you have every opportunity to be apart of XYZ why are you choosing not to be included? Is it because you're not the center of attention? That can be hard..." (in an overly sarcastic concerned voice) What you're saying is that it's her CHOICE to be excluded... entirely up to her if/how she chooses to blend.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea I mean it's not so bad now because SD hardly ever comes around any more , she's phasing herself out because like you said and you hit the mail right on the target ... SD is no longer the center of attention anymore which means she doesn't wanna come over . Why when she can stay with BM and be her center of attention ( BM only has SD) well more power to her ! Stay at BMs lol. But when we go to MIL house andnSD is not with us ( and it's DHs weekend) she always ask why and I am all too quick to say because she didn't wanna come , she didn't wanna see her dad , ie she doesn't wanna see you! I don't know why MIL won't ask her if she is so concerned why she never comes . But yea I try not to go over there too often 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Ohhh I sure did call SD out when she didn't wanna come and be included in the family pics just in case anyone was like "poor SD was excluded " as they like the say.. I told DH , MIL , SIL and anyone who was there that "We told SD we were doing family photos and SD didn't want to come for her visit " then when SD texted my DH on the side telling him she basically wanted a photoshoot of just her I told DH .. um no when needs to take family photos still before she has a little photo shoot of just her! After that MIL still requested photos of just SD ! So literally last minute yesterday for about 10 mins DH got out his camera and took photos of SD who of course was wearing a crop tank top ( belly out ) , sweats and full make up lol. She send them digitally to MIL which of course she gushed over ..... I'm like ummm am I the only one who thinks SD who is 12 should not be wearing tank top crop tops skin tight with her whole belly out there ??! Lol in that were my granddaughter I would say can you send me photos of her in some decent clothes at least !!! Our family photos were classy atleast . We will see if she put those out and if she does and still doesn't put out the ones I gave her I sure will be calling her asss out 

stepmomnorth's picture

I would have been absolutely pissed if we told our steps we were having photos done and they refused then the day after they requested photos of just themself. I would have laughed, (and denued the request) but I guess i am super mean!! 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Oh I was and she told him all last minute so there's not much I could say... atleast they were the best photos meaning SD did not look classy like ours . But yea never again 

SeeYouNever's picture

My in laws, favor SD14. She acts like she can't stand it but hams it up to get whatever she can out of them. They wait on her hand and foot and always have a gift for her no matter who's birthday it is. It seems the only time my in laws see SD if for a birthday (BM won't give up holidays) and she always gets a load of stuff bigger than the person of honor. 

strugglingSM's picture

My MIL not only plays favorites, but also tells SSs that DH gives too much attention to DD and not enough to them. She also told them that their inheritance "will go down" now that we have DD (not sure what inheritance she's talking about, DH had nothing but debt when I met him). 

She also plays favorites with BIL's kids. For her birthday, MIL said she was going to have burgers and fries. DD was 10 months old, but I figured she could eat part of a burger and some fries. Then SIL wasn't attending, so MIL served leftover bacon for BLTs (10 pieces of bacon and 1 tomato for 10 people). She made a special pizza for DH's 9 year old niece, but had nothing that DD could eat and didn't tell us in advance, so I hadn't brought anything for her. I had to cut up fruit and give DD some cheese from the charcuterie tray. We also have to bring everything to MIL's house (high chair, toys, place to sleep) every time we go with DD. Meanwhile, in pictures when SSs were young she had a swing and a high chair. She also had an entire bucket of toys for BIL's kids when I first met DH. She'll say, "we're just not used to having a baby", but DD is now 18 months old, so she's had some time to figure it out. 

She's done the same things with photos, DD's photo is hidden in the living room where no one goes, but there are pics of all the other grandkids in the main sitting room. She then told me she just needed to get a new frame for DD's photo...meanwhile, the ugly pics of SSs from BM were prominently displayed immediately. 

stepmomnorth's picture

My MIL would go out of her way to visit us if my partner's kids were at our house but not if it was just my kids. Other than that she is pretty fair. They all get treated the same and receive the same gifts etc.