I'm not sure I'm understanding this.

SD was with your family this past weekend, then over to Grandmas (MIL) this week and next weekend which is Christmas, then boxing day BM picks SD up from MIL. Then NYE weekend SD is back with your family?

I guess I don't see the problem? Do you want SD 3 weekends in a row and the whole week between your weekend and Christmas weekend and MIL/BM/SD are saying no?

Or are you upset that BM/MIL/SD set up this visit and stay at MILs between your weekends?

I apologise, I don't know your situation or what's happened in the past.

The two things your husband did at the end of your story were the 2 pieces of advice I was going to write, lol. He did a good job of stating his needs and now he just needs to stick with it. It can be businesslike next year. In advance of the holiday, a quick reminder that SD is with her over Christmas and New Years, since you had her this year. I'm sure  a reminder will be needed. Do you guys have a court order or separation agreement that outlines holidays? I'm guessing BM just does what she wants regardless?? 

I had such problems with holiday scheduling through the years with my ex. 

I went to great lengths in our revised separation agreement to outline a holiday schedule. It is laid out with no gray areas whatsoever. I updated the wording for Christmas so it exactly spells out who has the kids on each day, each year so we don't have to send texts to each other to "negotiate days" with each other each year to figure out the schedule.

Even this year.. It's so laid out and easy to figure out from our agreement. I texted saying I looked at the agreement and it's super easy to figure out this year. 

I will remain flexible with him if he really wanted them on a certain day. But if he wanted to name a change where I have something going on, I would refer to the document as a default. 

or not.

Good luck.

This sucks so much for your SD. Most of us have to fight to see the Skids at the holiday's, her BM couldn't care less if she saw her own daughter or not. 

I can imagine with a mom like that, why SD wants the attention of MIL and to be spoiled and feel important. She knows her mother doesn't want to deal with having to be a good and generous parent at Christmas. Most of us moms are killing ourselves to make it all magical and shit. Shopping, planning, cooking, smiling through it all- just so everyone of our kids feels special and loved... Here she is having her mom pass her off, dad being "guilted" into keeping his own daughter, MIL being the only one to give her attention. I get why she is the way she is. 

This sucks for you to have no real break where you are comfortable to focus on your bios too. It is all chaos and it sucks. 

This doesn't sit right with me. Why is your husband forcing his child to be with someone who doesnt even want her for the holidays? And why can't she be with her grandmother? 

I get that kids can be a pain, but in case it's not clear enough, this child has been very clearly shown that her mother doesn't want to be bothered with her at Christmas.  Dad will suck it up, but only the minimum dictated in the decree (because she's not welcome there either, and darn it anyhow this kid needs to learn a lesson that she has no power in her 13 year old life, and Christmas be darned, that lesson needs to be taught now!  What better day to pitch a fit than Christmas!)

The parents have let her switch at will for a long time now. Christmas this year is not the hill to die on.  If BM doesn't want her, you don't want her, and MIL does, let MIL have her!  Yes she'l'l be spoiled rotten, not have to acknowledge her Dad or her siblings.  If you really want to make her part of the family share the time with MIL and bring her to you mid week.  Definitely for Christmas!

I feel sorry for the kid.

On one hand I get it, because sometimes you have to choose a hill to die on, becuase otherwise these bm's think every holidays/school break/summertime is for their leisure.  Our bm did this too, my dh did what you did with his parents about not overriding him and the schedule.

From a very young age they would let sd call the shots (guided by BM)- so his parents would say yes to having her, after DH said no, we stick to schedule, then a couple days into the stay with them, MIL would call to guilt DH to come pick her up, or stay with them, etc.  Was enfuriating.

It wasn't sd's fault, but my ex would basically never take his kids on his holidays/vacation time, rarely even did EOW- so I had my bios all the time, then bm wanted to add SD to my back/care/support for every holiday/break in existence, she basically wanted everyone else to have custody and she got CS.  I had to fight back for my sanity...and at the time SD and I were at a very bad place and there was constant fights/turmoils between her and my bios.  

I'm glad he said something to MIL, but keep in mind, he cannot control what a grown woman does in her own home, especially now that SD is a teenager.  If MIL is open to it, she takes her.   

Correct me if I'm wrong, but SD skips a LOT of visits, so her staying extra time with holidays is the only time your DH or MIL gets to see her, right?  It's also the last two Christmas breaks she hasn't been to see you guys due to Covid?  

Other than the "principal of the matter," why do you care if SD spends part of Christmas break with MIL? Does it affect your household if she is at MIL's? I understand how it upsets you that BM won't keep SD on Christmas, as you look at having SD as a negative rather than a positive - which is completely understandable. But other than the unfairness of it all, what is the problem with SD spending time with MIL?

As far as SD making these plans behind DH's back - I think that is understandable too. At 13, she is well aware that neither of her parents really want her for Christmas, so why wouldn't she choose to spend time with the one person who does seem to want her? And yes, she will be spoiled while at MIL's - so why wouldn't she want to do that?

You don't want SD with you for Christmas and having her stay with MIL solves that issue for you - so why not go with that and consider it a good thing? Forget how it also benefits BM.

I absolutely understand your frustration- with everyone. 

DH and BM should absolutely stick to the custody agreement. SD should not run the show. Any deviations from the schedule should be made between DH and BM- not MIL or SD.

Your DH should 100% stand up to his mom- custody is between DH and BM. That's it. If BM wants SD during his time- she should ASK him- not leapfrog to BM or SD as it muddies the waters.

SD does not get to use your house as a revolving door. Her actions of deciding to come/not come impact your entire household (travel). If DH is driving hours to get her- he's not with you/his other kids. I'd request 24 hours notice from BM if there's a schedule change so that you can plan accordingly. Otherwise if it's his day and BM is refusing visitation you march her ass to court. 

There are way to many cooks in the kitchen. DH needs to stand up for himself against BM, MIL, and SD. If he doesn't- you're an easy target for everyone to blame. Thing is- I don't blame you for wanting some degree of a predictable schedule.

I feel for you.

I read this thread and felt really bad for the OP. My SD and ss try to run back and forth between homes, wherever they're currently receiving the best deal. Oh mom's not doing anything for ... let's go to dad's. I am constantly triggered by last minute plans that were made by the children and dh is barely learning to say no. Bm fought hard to get as much custody as possible for more cs, then stick to that agreement. It is a financial boundary as well. Bm wanted us to take them for the summer and still pay her CS. This was when I first got together with DH and still thought that was absurd. Boundaries are good for everyone. The children do not benefit from ruling the roost. When there's travel time, extra provisions, plans etc the back and forth is really disruptive last minute. I agree with dragonfly. Who exactly is in charge? I really hope your DH is able to set his boundaries, also it hurts to be blamed for it all. So sorry you got some flack about this... it seemed pretty clear to me that a schedule is made for a reason and being in the loop about plans is a must.

"There are way to many cooks in the kitchen."  This is the problem, and then also giving adult status to choose the visitation/whom to see, my experience with SD when younger was exactly like this, including the in-laws. 

"There are way to many cooks in the kitchen."  This is the problem, and then also giving adult status to choose the visitation/whom to see, my experience with SD when younger was exactly like this, including the in-laws. I want to add, your DH is the majority of the problem, he has allowed all of this, and then it falls on you.  I had to have some very in-depth convos with my dh about this to get it all under control.  He finally did.