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DH finally stood up to BM and MIL

Ashleytenorio17's picture

So in my last post I was really really upset about the once again power move played by BM in order to yet again NoT have SD for the holiday break or Christmas ! She does this every year where we get SD on DH weekend ( about a week before Christmas) and BM ends up leaving SD with us or she will text MIL to have SD stay extra and ALWAYS gets her after Christmas! Of course she doesn't tell us that's her plan upfront but she always says either she's not doing any thing for x mas so she is not picking her up ( BM lives 3 hours away) or she tells us that her mom doesn't celebrate Christmas so it would be best for SD to stay with us. She has does this for the past 5 years now and each year I call it and each year DH and I fight about it because he fees guilted and always keeps SD . Last year was the first time SD didn't come only because MiL had COVID and was not gonna do her annual Christmas Eve little party , but SD still could have came to spend time with us but she decided not to .See SD

likeso to be singled out by MIL and if she has to shared attention with her siblings here at home she won't do it. Well we had SD last weekend and well well well guess what happened... SD or BM made plans with MiL without telling DH that SD was gonna spend time with MIL for a week until Christmas Eve and of course BM would get SD Monday !!! How Convenient is that .. just skip right

over Christmas weekend which is in face BMs weekend . So BM will get last weekend off , x mas weekend off and New Year's is DH weekend again...DH expressed he didn't like it and I told DH he needs to grow a pair and handle the situation and that SD does not and should not be making any sort of plans behind his back! She

is 13!!!! finally DH told MIL to butt out and not make any plans in the future with BM or SD and that all communication must go through him first! He also told BM that SD will not be over next year for the holiday at all and for her or SD to not contact his mom for babysitting around the holiday at all. If DH will have SD the weekend before Christmas then DH will be meet BM Sunday as usually for the pick up and SD will not be allowed to stay for the week before Christmas!!!! I'm sure BM blow up his phone! But screw her! It's the small victories .


notsobad's picture

I'm not sure I'm understanding this.

SD was with your family this past weekend, then over to Grandmas (MIL) this week and next weekend which is Christmas, then boxing day BM picks SD up from MIL. Then NYE weekend SD is back with your family?

I guess I don't see the problem? Do you want SD 3 weekends in a row and the whole week between your weekend and Christmas weekend and MIL/BM/SD are saying no?

Or are you upset that BM/MIL/SD set up this visit and stay at MILs between your weekends?

I apologise, I don't know your situation or what's happened in the past.

Yesterdays's picture

The two things your husband did at the end of your story were the 2 pieces of advice I was going to write, lol. He did a good job of stating his needs and now he just needs to stick with it. It can be businesslike next year. In advance of the holiday, a quick reminder that SD is with her over Christmas and New Years, since you had her this year. I'm sure  a reminder will be needed. Do you guys have a court order or separation agreement that outlines holidays? I'm guessing BM just does what she wants regardless?? 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes reminders will be sent ! On court order they are the alternate the holidays but that has not happened at all 

Yesterdays's picture

I had such problems with holiday scheduling through the years with my ex. 

I went to great lengths in our revised separation agreement to outline a holiday schedule. It is laid out with no gray areas whatsoever. I updated the wording for Christmas so it exactly spells out who has the kids on each day, each year so we don't have to send texts to each other to "negotiate days" with each other each year to figure out the schedule.

Even this year.. It's so laid out and easy to figure out from our agreement. I texted saying I looked at the agreement and it's super easy to figure out this year. 

I will remain flexible with him if he really wanted them on a certain day. But if he wanted to name a change where I have something going on, I would refer to the document as a default. 

justmakingthebest's picture

This sucks so much for your SD. Most of us have to fight to see the Skids at the holiday's, her BM couldn't care less if she saw her own daughter or not. 

I can imagine with a mom like that, why SD wants the attention of MIL and to be spoiled and feel important. She knows her mother doesn't want to deal with having to be a good and generous parent at Christmas. Most of us moms are killing ourselves to make it all magical and shit. Shopping, planning, cooking, smiling through it all- just so everyone of our kids feels special and loved... Here she is having her mom pass her off, dad being "guilted" into keeping his own daughter, MIL being the only one to give her attention. I get why she is the way she is. 

This sucks for you to have no real break where you are comfortable to focus on your bios too. It is all chaos and it sucks. 

barbKarin's picture

This doesn't sit right with me. Why is your husband forcing his child to be with someone who doesnt even want her for the holidays? And why can't she be with her grandmother? 

Mominit's picture

I get that kids can be a pain, but in case it's not clear enough, this child has been very clearly shown that her mother doesn't want to be bothered with her at Christmas.  Dad will suck it up, but only the minimum dictated in the decree (because she's not welcome there either, and darn it anyhow this kid needs to learn a lesson that she has no power in her 13 year old life, and Christmas be darned, that lesson needs to be taught now!  What better day to pitch a fit than Christmas!)

The parents have let her switch at will for a long time now. Christmas this year is not the hill to die on.  If BM doesn't want her, you don't want her, and MIL does, let MIL have her!  Yes she'l'l be spoiled rotten, not have to acknowledge her Dad or her siblings.  If you really want to make her part of the family share the time with MIL and bring her to you mid week.  Definitely for Christmas!

I feel sorry for the kid.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Some people are saying since SD skips her weekends she should spend more time here . Okay.... so SD was gonna stay the week with us , you know since she never sees her dad... SD said she didn't wanna spend the week with us at all and ran to MIL house which plans changed per SD and my DH had to take her to SIL hose which is not close to where we live . So DH was basically her Uber 

Mominit's picture

Unless she physicall ran her little bum to MIL's house that's on DH and MIL.  If BM doesn't want her, she should be with someone who does.  Ideally that would be DH.  If BM doesn't want her, and MIL won't play nice with DH, then of course BM is free to arrange with MIL the dumping of the child.  DH did not have to participate in this game and play the Uber.  If I were DH I would have happily taken SD home with me, arranged a one or two day sleep over with Grandma, and ensured that Grandma would have SD (and SIL if she wanted) back to our house for a family Christmas.

Why is a 13 year old choosing which house she parties at?  She should be with her Mom or her Dad who takes her to visit her Grandmother as part of the Christmas celebration (assuming Grandma doesn't come to your house?, if she does SD can wait to see her there).  Giving kids the power is the fault of the grownups. 

I guess I"m confused - once he found out MIL was going to take the child, why didn't he just arrange to pick her up on Sunday and cut MIL right out of the scene.  As for how does she get back?  The same way she would have gotten back if you had stuck to the schedule.  I'm sure she's supposed to be with your for part of it.  If you were supposed to drop her back on a day, ask if that day still works.  If it doesn't, then BM can do the driving any time after that date (i.e. no giving her to you early and taking her early unless you're up for that).

And then after the holidays....enforce the schedule.  If she keeps dropping SD off while collecting CS, that's a discussion/threat to be brought up to make it more fair, or to make it stop.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes this is what I was telling DH that he should have told

Bm he would meet with her Sunday instead of being a Uber to take SD where ever she wanted to spend her time which was NOT at our house . And SD didn't want to go to MiL house after all, she wanted to go with SIL who lives far from us so this was just one chaotic problem. 

bananaseedo's picture

On one hand I get it, because sometimes you have to choose a hill to die on, becuase otherwise these bm's think every holidays/school break/summertime is for their leisure.  Our bm did this too, my dh did what you did with his parents about not overriding him and the schedule.

From a very young age they would let sd call the shots (guided by BM)- so his parents would say yes to having her, after DH said no, we stick to schedule, then a couple days into the stay with them, MIL would call to guilt DH to come pick her up, or stay with them, etc.  Was enfuriating.

It wasn't sd's fault, but my ex would basically never take his kids on his holidays/vacation time, rarely even did EOW- so I had my bios all the time, then bm wanted to add SD to my back/care/support for every holiday/break in existence, she basically wanted everyone else to have custody and she got CS.  I had to fight back for my sanity...and at the time SD and I were at a very bad place and there was constant fights/turmoils between her and my bios.  

I'm glad he said something to MIL, but keep in mind, he cannot control what a grown woman does in her own home, especially now that SD is a teenager.  If MIL is open to it, she takes her.   

Correct me if I'm wrong, but SD skips a LOT of visits, so her staying extra time with holidays is the only time your DH or MIL gets to see her, right?  It's also the last two Christmas breaks she hasn't been to see you guys due to Covid?  

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea I mean DH was taking SD every single holiday for the past 5 years and it's crap jidt because BM doesn't want her new boyfriend for the month to be alone ? She used that excuse for thanksgiving. Yes you can not control what a grown women does but DH can control what he does and if he would have met BM on Sunday then MIL would have no say unless MIL was gonna drive 3 hours for SD which she would not . So another issue also comes "how will SD get home on Christmas Day" if SD was with BM like she is suppose to be this would be a issue but DH already drove to get her last Friday . Is he supposed to drive 3 hours again on Christmas to drop her

off ? Or even half way. Just creates other issues and imposes on our plans when we were even suppose to have SD that weekend of Christmas 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Other than the "principal of the matter," why do you care if SD spends part of Christmas break with MIL? Does it affect your household if she is at MIL's? I understand how it upsets you that BM won't keep SD on Christmas, as you look at having SD as a negative rather than a positive - which is completely understandable. But other than the unfairness of it all, what is the problem with SD spending time with MIL?

As far as SD making these plans behind DH's back - I think that is understandable too. At 13, she is well aware that neither of her parents really want her for Christmas, so why wouldn't she choose to spend time with the one person who does seem to want her? And yes, she will be spoiled while at MIL's - so why wouldn't she want to do that?

You don't want SD with you for Christmas and having her stay with MIL solves that issue for you - so why not go with that and consider it a good thing? Forget how it also benefits BM.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I think I left out a lot of things . This feeds into her entitlement behavior of "I see you only when I want to attitude" SD has been very vocal on numerous occasions when she was suppose to spend time with MIL that she did want to spend time with her and just wanted to stay with BM . Allowing SD to constantly pick and choose throws off the schedule. It rearranges plans we have made . Christmas is BM weekend to have her . Per the court order BM and DH are the altérnate holiday but so far is has been us that has her and MiL. Last year SD could have spent time with us but again SD picked not to because MIL was sick which had nothing to do with us. mIL singles out and favors SD a lot which will and does affect our other children which is why I made the big deal about SD yet again being singled out see MiL and I knew this was the opportunity for BM to get out of Christmas yet again. Also BM DOES celebrate Christmas but for whatever reason she does not wanna be bothered with SD and I'm sorry but you are a parent and as long as you have custody you don't get to always opt out especially when DH has always opted in. So to answer "letting her be spoiled " does not at all solve the problem. Not when we have 3 other children who are MiL grandchildren as well

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I get what everyone is saying that MIL and SD should have time together . That same energy should also be for her other 3 grandchildren whom she does not see because SD has plotted MIL against me . Yes MiL should not take it out on the other children but she does . This is one reason why I question SD all the sudden wanting to spend time with MiL. SD has poisoned MiL against me, she constantly lie to MIL and tells her that DH doesn't want her over anymore because of me , she tells her DH doesn't love her anymore because of me but it's SD who constantly decided to  it come ! Does MiL know this ? No. This has created so much drama between us that this is the reason why iM not going to MiL house on Christmas Eve. They have also vocally not invited me over for this very reason. Also children do not get to make plans on their own especially when they depend on a parent to get them here and there . My mother ask me first for anytime with her grandchildren, she wouldn't just go and text my older son with out asking me first . It's a respect thing. Also my older son would not just make plans with out asking my first . He always ask me first . Also this standard of has be held against my older bio son by DH so hell yes I'm gonna enforce it on Sd, you don't get to tell my son " you are the child so you should not be making plans on your own " but and the same time let a older SD do as she wills 

AlmostGone834's picture

Well, to be honest, your husband DOESN'T seem to want her around and I think SD knows it. I mean, he's arguing with BM saying basically  "you take her next year!". He's not enforcing the visitation or even trying to really or take any extra time with her. Maybe he needs to explain to his mom (and to SD) that it's not YOU making him do/say these things. These are all his choices. By keeping silent on the matter, he's throwing you under the bus with his mother. If SD is poisoning MIL against you and DH isn't setting the record straight, something needs to be done. If on the other hand, he DOES want her around, he needs to have a sit down with both SD and MIL and hash this out. Ask SD (in front of MIL) why she says these things and then always cancels (personally I think it's because when DH chases after her, she feels wanted. She is definitely harboring resentment over all the new kids that have come along. He needs to carve out time for her one-on-one) It is definitely time for a come-to-Jesus meeting. What good is preventing SD from being with MIL and forcing her to be with BM only going to do? I think if anything this is only going to solidify in MIL's mind that you both don't care at all about SD.

dragonfly878's picture

I agree with many of these points- except for one... I don't think SD should be prevented from seeing MIL. I do think if MIL wants to see SD she should be coordinating with DH- not BM or SD. Otherwise the situation is ripe for everyone to communicate circumventing DH, the father, out of the discussion.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Oh I believe what you are say is true and I have BEEN telling DH he needs to hold SD responsible for her choices . But I think the real mess up was allowing SD to pick and choose when she wants to come over . He said he already had a talk with SD and said she is coming over on her weekends no matter what and he was had many many many conversations with her about her place in our family but she still seeks to be singled out . Her mother continues to PA her so it's a constant battle . Turns out SD didn't wanna spend time with SD , I think she just really likes to play people and have thrm chase her . I think that if MiL wants to spend time with Sd she should do that communication with DH in his weekend not pick BMs weekend to do it

dragonfly878's picture

I absolutely understand your frustration- with everyone. 

DH and BM should absolutely stick to the custody agreement. SD should not run the show. Any deviations from the schedule should be made between DH and BM- not MIL or SD.

Your DH should 100% stand up to his mom- custody is between DH and BM. That's it. If BM wants SD during his time- she should ASK him- not leapfrog to BM or SD as it muddies the waters.

SD does not get to use your house as a revolving door. Her actions of deciding to come/not come impact your entire household (travel). If DH is driving hours to get her- he's not with you/his other kids. I'd request 24 hours notice from BM if there's a schedule change so that you can plan accordingly. Otherwise if it's his day and BM is refusing visitation you march her ass to court. 

There are way to many cooks in the kitchen. DH needs to stand up for himself against BM, MIL, and SD. If he doesn't- you're an easy target for everyone to blame. Thing is- I don't blame you for wanting some degree of a predictable schedule.

I feel for you.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup and I feel like he is finally standing up to all the players . I have been the source of blame for a while now and I'm sick of it. DH does defend me which is way now he has to sometimes choose family over family , it has created a huge mess. I hope moving forward things will be a lot easier 

RoundIGo's picture

I read this thread and felt really bad for the OP. My SD and ss try to run back and forth between homes, wherever they're currently receiving the best deal. Oh mom's not doing anything for ... let's go to dad's. I am constantly triggered by last minute plans that were made by the children and dh is barely learning to say no. Bm fought hard to get as much custody as possible for more cs, then stick to that agreement. It is a financial boundary as well. Bm wanted us to take them for the summer and still pay her CS. This was when I first got together with DH and still thought that was absurd. Boundaries are good for everyone. The children do not benefit from ruling the roost. When there's travel time, extra provisions, plans etc the back and forth is really disruptive last minute. I agree with dragonfly. Who exactly is in charge? I really hope your DH is able to set his boundaries, also it hurts to be blamed for it all. So sorry you got some flack about this... it seemed pretty clear to me that a schedule is made for a reason and being in the loop about plans is a must.

Rags's picture

the NCP to the CP regardless of where the kid(s) happen to be at any given time.

The SpermClan tried to get us to send money with SS when he was on visitation to SpermLand.  Whe we ignored that, they tried to guilt SS into guilting us to send money for his care and feeding over summer (5Wks), winter (1Wk), and spring (1Wk) visitations.  Nope. The message was ... If you can't feed em, don't breed em.  

According to the SpermGrandHag that $133/mo they paid took food out of the mouths of Spermidiot spawn #2, #3, & #4.  Purchased expensive cars, homes, vacations, etc.... and name brand clothes for SS that his three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas did not have.

The only people in charge were DW and I. SS was happy and other than the SpermClan manipulations, lies, and toxicity was a happy kid... for the most part.  We used a rolled up copy of the CO to keep SpermGrandHag and the rest of the SpermClan beat into submission (figuratively of course).

Yes, Structure is paramount to minimizing the toxic blended family opposition as is a firmly enforced schedule.


Ashleytenorio17's picture

Thanks it's been really really stressful dealing with it for so long and really SD runs the show and I'm sick of it . This is exactly what my SD does, you think she cares about anyone she picks to spend time with ? NO ! For her birthday she was not coming for weeks . She only came to MIL to collect her gifts and go. After that MiL requested to take SD ONLY to the beach and SD. "I don't wanna go with MIL, I don't feel like seeing them" she has opening told DH that she doesn't wanna to come and spend time at our house and she doesn't like to . So for all those saying " why are you forcing SD to spend time with someone who does t want her "  the same can be said for us whom SD has vocally said she doesn't want to spend time with us!!!! SD obviously likes to be with BM so that's where she should be then? And if BM doesn't wanna spend time with SD I suggest BM stop bad mouthing us to her 

Rags's picture

they want to be. There is a visitaiton schedule in a CO for a reason and the kid does what they are told when they are told to do it. If the kid does not arrive as COd for visitaiton, hit the other parent with a contempt motion for denying visitaiton and for violating the CO.

Lather.... rinse.... repeat.

Kids are told, they do not get to tell.  Adults/parents who let children lead the pack are idiots. 



bananaseedo's picture

"There are way to many cooks in the kitchen."  This is the problem, and then also giving adult status to choose the visitation/whom to see, my experience with SD when younger was exactly like this, including the in-laws. 

bananaseedo's picture

"There are way to many cooks in the kitchen."  This is the problem, and then also giving adult status to choose the visitation/whom to see, my experience with SD when younger was exactly like this, including the in-laws. I want to add, your DH is the majority of the problem, he has allowed all of this, and then it falls on you.  I had to have some very in-depth convos with my dh about this to get it all under control.  He finally did.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Omg see this is what I am talking about ! SD goes to SIL and MiL house and now all the sudden she wants to have a "deep conversation " with DH ! Last time this happened SD was also with MiL and MIL text DH about how I have turned DH against her and how DH should leave me to get the love back for his daughter . I knew this would happen!!! I don't need this stress before Christmas! 

dragonfly878's picture

Your DH needs to grow a pair!!! SIL and MIL can be given  a FIRM boundary. She's playing victim to them- they take the bait- you're the bad guy.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Y'all I am really over this little girl. Seriously, she just needs to stop. I should not be the target for everyone to poop upon! So I have been disengaged from Sd prob for a good few months now. I had to stop for my own sanity so o stopped buying her things she would never ever use ( I use to be the main person who would get her gifts for b day and x mas) i stopped doing things for her like cleaning after her and making DH actually parent her and he has come a long way . I don't engage in conversation With her and she does the same to me. She does not say hi or bye to me and this has been the only way I am able

to tolerate her being over . I had to just not give a flying F and it has worked for me . And of course right now it's "upsetting" her you know now that she has been at MIL house and SIL house for a few days. She sent DH a long text saying how she is upset I don't hold a conversation with her and how it's not fair my BS11 has a relationship with DH and "why can't she be that same way with her own step daughter " and blah blah. First of all why should I have to ? And it's absolutely fair my DH has a relationship with BS11 because he lives here and my BS11 actually engages with DH and they have a good bond . The whole text just read like it came from someone else's mouth . And DH just told her how can someone form a bond with you if you aren't here or if you never want to come . He told that is why she is coming from now on every time it's her weekend so she can form a bond with me and her siblings. I told DH thats o really don't need to do anything but I am not a cold person and it takes a lot for me to just completely disengage fro

 anyone . But I know it really bothers Sd that I am the only one she can't manipulate and I'm the only one who doesn't kiss her butt or feed into her entitlement and like she said it "upsets her" her whole text read like I owe her sometime and basically blaming me for a lot . I take it with a grain of salt ... like you are coming in my home and expect for me to act like you walk on water ? No ma'am . If she starts making an effort to actually have a relationship with me of Course I'll try right back .