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Of course BM, of freaking COURSE

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Y'all when I tell you I'm OVER the constant crap from BM! It's been back to back of something from BM and she just won't go away! I'm done with her damn games! So remember when I told you she planned a little "spring break" vacation for SD to go to Florida Thursday - Sunday ( on DH weekend) . First off spring doesn't even start until March 13 so I'm not sure why she planned it before actual spring break. I'm not even sure BM is actually going with SD, I think her mother is taking SD. Anyways SD was not gonna be with us so i booked a vacation for us (DH , BS11, DD3, DD7 months and DS6) for Saturday- Monday and before I booked the place I asked DH again sD was coming so I could make sure there were enough beds and he said NO which I was like thank god! So I booked the cabin and I was soooo looking forward to it until NOW. BM sends DH a text and says "actually I changed SD flight so she is coming back Saturday, do you want to get her and maybe keep her longer since she is one spring break next week" o knew BM would pull this and it pisses me off! The cabin I booked is just enough space for us and that's with BS 11 and DS6 sharing a bed! DD 3 will sleep with us on the king bed because she usually wakes up and sleeps with us and the baby will be in the pack n play. There's no room for another person and no mattress or anything . Also our car will be super cramped! I'm just hoping DH does not suggest we pick up SD on the way to the cabin !  Where SD lives is not on route to where we are going and it would be 30 mins out of our way to get her. I'm just so damn upset about all this ! 


Rumplestiltskin's picture

No. I sincerely hope he tells her no. You should not have to live at the mercy of BM's whims. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

He has not replied at all but I'm sure her next text will be guilting him " it's your weekend and you go on vacation with your other family " as she likes to put it. If SD comes it will not be enjoyable at all! We will have to put the 2 littles ones in the bed with us and that does not sound fun . I'm hoping SDs flight comes in late because we are leaving early Saturday morning . Or maybe DH will just leave BM on read but I'm sure BM will push this 

Patience2000's picture

No, should roll off of your DH lips, but he'll want daughter to be included. BM is a shark. I'm sorry. Keep us posted, but I am 95% sure how this will play out. Move over....

ESMOD's picture

I get last minute plans are a PITA.. but if he is offered his time back.. and he knows a "fun" thing is happening for the rest of the kids.. he will want her to go and he really should probably take her.. it is his weekend.. and it has only been a couple days that the other trip was a potential.  Otherwise it seems like a "ooohh thank goodness.. we ditched her.. let's go have fun".. which it might be.. lol.. but you could see how that would hurt her feelings when her fun trip has already been taken away.

My thoughts on logistics are that

1.  30 minutes isn't the end of the world out of the way.. (maybe my 2 hour each way daily commute to work makes me more tolerant of time in the car for a 2 day vacation.. it really isn't that big of a deal.. a stop at McDonald's could take that much time.. 

2.  Sleeping bag (s).. Kids can crash on a couch.. in a sleeping bag for a 2 day vacation.. it's doable.. and kids are more resilient.. and things like that are "fun"

3.  Maybe both of you could drive to alleviate some crunch.. but for a short drive.. unless it is unsafe for your vehicle to carry people.. it can be dealt with.  We regularly traveled 12 plus hours with my DH's 2 SD's, who were not short or tiny, and our 2 dogs in a compact suv (only 4 real seats).. with luggage it was packed.  I get it isn't optimal.. but if there are seatbelts/restraints legally for all the kids.. it should be ok for a short drive.

In the end.. this sucks that BM was wishy washy on the plans.. and the person most at risk of being hurt and disappointed is her own daughter!  I get wanting to punish BM in some way.. but him refusing to take his kid on a family vacation doesn't affect his EX.. but would affect his child.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Here's the thing. SD flight lands in the evening on Saturday and we are leaving for our trip Saturday AM. Also SHe will be having her fun trip in Florida ( Wednesday- Saturday, BM extended a day) so it's not like she is missing out on fun, I wish we could take a trip there . Also I am paying fully for this trip and I did not pick a space which would accommodate another guest and per the Air BNB rules we are at max capacity of 6 people which is why i asked DH 2 times before i booked about SD. Another thing is you think SD will be the one sleeping on the floor? NO little miss princess will make a fuss and make my son BS11 sleep on the floor . Driving 2 cars is not an option , we both have SVs and the gas alone would be expensive. So I think it's just gonna be a sorry sort of thing . Are we suppose the leave ouR vacation cabin to scoop up SD late at night on Saturday which would be over an hour away ? Well 2 hour trip 

ESMOD's picture

At this point.. I would ask BM if she could possibly change the flight to Friday?


Tell her that your DH won't be able to pick her up because when she informed of her other plans.. he made unchangeable plans of his own... so maybe she needs to revert to her original planned flight?

I actually won't suggest you go over the allowed number of people.. I recently heard a horror story from a group of people that just had another family visit them for a bit during the day of their first day in their rental.. and were evicted the next day with no refund.. and no recourse for having too many people there... even though the people were not there supposedly, overnight.

(in the end.. if you do end up trying to take her.. you could always try asking permission for it I guess".

The other option is that your DH can stay at home.. maybe with the baby too to give you a break while you take the older kids.. (yeah.. I know you wanted time with your DH).. or maybe he comes up the next day?

again.. it sucks when our plans get torpedoed by others.. I think I might push back at BM on the time... saying he won't be in town now.. since SHE changed the plans earlier in the week.

If BM doesn't work to fix this.. In the future.. this is a huge lesson to stop being at all flexible with her.. 

"No BM.. SD can't do that.. that is my time.. she needs to be here on X day as our agreement states).  that way you would not have planned something and had it mixed up at the last minute!

Ashleytenorio17's picture

BM won't change the flight plan because she already changed it once. DH really wants to come to fish to I doubt he will want to stay home . It's just a mess, this has happened before when BM tells DH in advance when she has made plans on his weekend, something happens last minimal and she wants DH to have SD but he already made plans . This is why I tell DH over and over to follow the CO and when it's his weekend he needs to have her no matter what! Or if BM makes plans on his weekend and the fall through but DH made plans it's a hard no. DH has no said anything about This but I know a rant is coming from BM 

Winterglow's picture

" DH really wants to come to fish to I doubt he will want to stay home"

And that is precisely why he should be staying home. This mess is of his own making. It's all about responsibility and consequences ....

SteppedOut's picture

He won't learn to follow the CO unless/until he faces actual concequences that affect him negatively, because clearly consequences that affect others he does not give a crap about.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

So OP should just have her weekend plans bounce back and forth based on the whims of BM? First the weekend changes to no SD based on BM's whim, then OP makes plans, now she has to risk not being allowed to stay in her vacation rental due to overcrowding based on another BM whim? Why not just say "Sorry OP, suck it up because you have no control over your life since you married a guy with a kid." This pattern of telling SMs to "suck it up" sounds like it belongs on a mommy forum, not the one place where stepmoms actually have a voice. 

ESMOD's picture

when your HUSBAND continuously entertains BM's whims and last minute changes in his custody plan.. he INVITES this into his home.. and is making his family suffer the consequence.

At this point.. I don't blame BM.. because she is only doing what her husband allows... and probably in some way encourages by never making her stick to their CO.

So.. OP has to suck it up because her DH is not being a good partner.. this has less to do with BM being flaky than her DH allowing it.

and.. in the end.. we deal with reality.. and all the "support" comments that tell her to not allow it to affect her.. just aren't realistic.

She has options.. she cannot control BM.. she cannot control her DH (apparently).. so she has some limited options on how to deal with it.. aka.. suck it up... because every option has some level of "suckiness" to it.

Either she goes on the trip without her DH.. which means she is solo with all the kids (except SD). and misses being with him and any help he might give her with the other kids. he stays home to take care of SD

They cancel the trip.. she misses the trip.. her kids miss a trip

They delay the trip to wait for SD to land (stupid and risky given the uncertain nature of air travel at times).. they lose precious vacation time

Finally.. probably the best option is to go together on the trip with kids.. have DH leave for a couple hours to pick up SD.. make the best of it.. bring a sleeping bag for her.

For OP there is no "hard line" solution of making BM change HER plans.  There is no nuclear option that she likely will make with her DH to make HIM push back to his EX.  

So.. yeah suck it up is pretty much all OP has... and as much as it SUCKS to have your plans tossed about at the last minute.. it is her HUSBAND who continues to allow it.. what can she do with HIM to prevent that?  only she really knows 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

You are right and I have told him over and over again about this. The fact of the matter is there's just no room. Not in the car and not in the cabin, DH will absolutely not drive 2 cars so he will have to tell BM sorry but I made plans since you made plans for SD on my weekend. That is the only solution for me. If BM wants SD to come with us for one day in the cabin she will have to drop Sd

off at the cabin and we can drop her off the next morning on our way home.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

But there IS another option. When BM says "actually I changed SD flight so she is coming back Saturday, do you want to get her and maybe keep her longer since she is one spring break next week" OP's DH can say "No, sorry, we have plans that won't work with that. I will stick to the plans we already have." And, in the future, he can insist that the CO is followed, or, at the very least, not allow repeated and continuous tweaking of the plans by BM. I do agree with you that this issue is the fault of OP's husband, though, and if he won't be a decent partner to OP and stand up to BM, OP will just have to live her life knowing she can't count on her husband to protect their home's peace from BM, who, in my mind isn't as innocent in this as you seem to think she is, either. 

ESMOD's picture

But.. the problem that isn't an option that OP can do.. it is her DH that has to grab his backbone and it seems to date.. he hasn't done it.

I'm not saying that BM is innocent.. but that I don't blame her for getting away with flexibility that she has become accustomed to.... 

Like... if you have always been able to do something without giving notice.. even though the "rule" is that you are supposed to.. wouldn't you just start operating under the rules that you are being held to?

BM isn't likely doing this to intentionally cause problems for OP and her family.. she just doesn't care what impact her last minute changes have.. since her EX just accomodates them.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I will agree with you there. In situations where men have poor boundaries, the BMs, skids, etc., are acting how they have been "trained" to act. 

Yesterdays's picture

I also had an inkling that bio mom does this on purpose too.. Tries to mess with them on purpose and insert herself here and there.. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Oh she does a deal of this as well . When DH pushes back or doesn't go along he gets the angry texts from her. She will purposely tell SD she is staying with us for a week even tho BM has not even spoke to DH about it to make it seem like SD is the one who decided to stay extra time 

Yesterdays's picture

I agree, she shouldn't have to live life according to bio moms whims. She changes plans more then underwear. Then. OP is supposed to just be ok with all these changes. If it were me I would feel like I was living another womans life. Like just a step in, after thought., who's opinion doesn't ever come into play. 

Yesterdays's picture

But also.. Shouldnt bio mom check with you BEFORE SHE CHANGES A FLIGHT for Sd?? To check to see if it works for you, not assume you'll change plans and take her?? Since she already changed the plans and was supposed to have her... 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

A normal considerate person would do this. NOT BM because she believe that DH should be at the beck and call of SD and be honored when he gets any time with SD . If not a rant of angry texts attacking him and my family is to follow. 

Winterglow's picture

Put all of htis back where it belongs - on your husband's shoulders. If he didn't let BM call the shots on HIS weekend, this would all be moot. I say you take the kids you want to take with you and leave your husband alone to host SD ... along with the baby. You could do with a break, right? So take it.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup fully agree! He has not said anything about getting SD since her flight lands late and we are leaving that morning . Maybe he just figured oh well? He has not said anything to me about getting her . But you know I'm waiting on that rant text from BM 

Yesterdays's picture

I think I would take the laid back approach. Literally put it out of your mind. Your husband knows the deal, if he wants her to come he can figure out all of the details. Do and say's his kid. If he wants her on the trip he can figure out logistics of when to leave, when to pick her up etc. How to make sure you have accommodations on the trip. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Right and true but she literally can not find in the cabin with us . There's not even an option to pay extra for another person like some air bnbs do. Also I want DH to come , this will be the first family trip we have done in years . So if he decides he can't come due to SD it will ruin the whole point and trip for me. I know others are saying "take the break " but I enjoy getting away with my DH and my kids together 

Yesterdays's picture

I think for all your logistical reasons I would tell bio mom no, sorry, you've already made non refundable plans based on what she told you previously. Its kind of a win win. It shows bio mom that she can't just bounce around like a ping pong ball at things that are going to effect your plans. You could always do a separate small trip with SD another time. It's not like saying you'll never take on her vacation. Truth is, step life is complicated and sometimes all the kids can't come on all the trips together... That is just the nature of step life.. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea the distance alone is an issue. SD takes many many trips. We never ever do, the few times we do a family trip with SD it's horrible . 

ESMOD's picture

I may be missing some logistics here.. where is SD flying from?  who was supposed to pick her up at the airport? Because..  your DH cannot simply say "oh well".. when his kid is landing in an airport near him.. lol. (am I understanding she is coming from somewhere else? where BM lives?)

In the end.. this is your DH's issue since he won't make his EX follow their order.. the last minute chaos is just about as much HIS fault.  

Probably the solution will be for you, him and the other kids all to go together.. then he leaves SOLO to pick SD up (they can enjoy that drive together..haha).. and he will just have to miss a couple hours of the vacation/fishing.

and.. yeah.. this is what having no boundaries looks like.. and especially if things are semi long distance.. where last minute things can be a much bigger deal.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I believe she is landing where BM lives which is 3 hours from us and DH was never scheduled to get her since BM made this plans and informed DH that he would not have SD on his weekend. He was never in a arrangement to get SD from the airport . If SD is landing where we live instead that is something BM is not telling DH . 

AgedOut's picture

looks like Dad has three choices:

1. he skips family trip

2. he says no.

3. he arranges for a member of his family to pick up and watch SD until your family trip is over. 


I hope he chooses wisely. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I'm hoping he goes with number 2. SD is landing in her city and not in ours which is 3 hours from us.

ESMOD's picture

If SD is landing in BM city.. and BM told him that SD was not going to be available for his visitation.. he needs to say.. "well.. thanks for letting me know about the changed flight.. but I won't be able to get her until Monday like we discussed earlier this week.. I have plans that can't be changed".

Will he tell BM to keep her?? 

If it is going to be 6 hours out of the way.. (not one or two).. that seems logistically impossible for him to go on the trip and get SD too.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea he has not responded to her at all. I know BM know, she will throw guilt and rant Thursday night . I'll keep you guys posted though 

Yesterdays's picture

I hope he says no too.. Here's the thing.. You already went ahead and plans that are difficult to change based on bio moms plans and what she told you.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Also DH still plans to come, he is finding someone to come and take care of our dogs and the house 

Livingoutloud's picture

If you are leaving in the morning but plane arrives in the evening, then you just can't get SD. You'll be all gone. It's simple. It's only two day trip. Driving back and forth getting SD isn't even practical. Just say no. It's not like it's a vacation she can't miss. She might not even know about the weekend trip if she's not with dad that weekend. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Right it's too much driving if DH were to get SD from the cabin plus to drop her off out of our way and then the hours going home. SD and BM both do not know about our trip because last DH heard SD would be in Florida . Now my son who is 11 does text and talk to SD occasionally over the phone so she might find out that way and cause drama or make DHfeel guilty if he doesn't get her . I might tell my son to not mention it to her while we are gone but if she find out after the fact when we are home then I do t really Care 

SeeYouNever's picture

Above all the most frustrating thing is the uncertainty about the situation. You asked twice and planned and it's still not certain because of BM and your DH if he hasn't answered.


Ashleytenorio17's picture

Right . That's the part I hate, I mean if we had room in both the car And cabin I guess I would not mind but there is absolutely no room for another person . I spoke with DH today about how we are gonna organize the car to make everything fit and we can't even use one of the seats in the 3rd because we need to fold It down to put the babies pack n play and stroller . So he is very aware we have no room and he did not mention at all anything about SD. He didn't now reply to BM still so I think he will leave it at that. But i know she will come back tomorrow or Friday requesting him to get SD so he will have to tell her no sorry we have plans and no space 

Patience2000's picture

You need to stop this contol now, as your SD will have learned from the best. She will be controlling your plans when the SGK's come along.

thinkthrice's picture

DH needs to get his balls out of BM's Gucci bag.  You have to make it so that disappointing you or upsetting you is worse than upsetting the BM.

This is the problem with these men who try to please everyone and go with the least line of resistance especially when the BM makes all the waves,. 

Danger is he will compare you to the BM and say you are just as bad but who cares at this point.

Again you have to make this a problem for DH and not just you.

We SMs put up with WAY too much!

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I told DH this very thing ! " you would rather up me then rock the boat with BM" I don't get it ! He has to live with me. He still did not respond to BM and I sent him the house rules about max capacity which we are at 

Yesterdays's picture

What has your husband said that he's doing to do? Has he said anything? Is he leaning toward making it work to bring SD? What are his thoughts? 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

He has not breathed a word of it . I showed him the house rules of max capacity just as a "for your information " I'm taking it as she is not coming . I know Friday a text will come from BM tho so I'm hoping he stays firm