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Bombshell from SD12

Ashleytenorio17's picture

So DH sent a text to SD Monday letting her know her sister was born and of course naturally she made it about her but I was shocked she actually came out and told

her dad a few things . It just doesn't make sense to me tho, maybe y'all can help. So he texted her a picture and gave her all that stats. sad reply no congrats or anything she said " this is gonna be your last child right ?" DH replied "yes , I'm having a surgery so I can't have anymore children" sD replied "ok I just feel like the more kids you have the more distant you get " DH went on to basically tell her that it's not distance and little kids requires more support and hands on and just because she has more siblings doesn't mean he is not here for her and all this stuff. Then she has who I was not induced to her I the way she wanted and my son and we came Into the picture so fast and into her Live. I just felt

like this was just her basically saying the attention was off her and DH just gave her what she little which was to talk to her like she was 5 and tell her she is still his little monkey . And can you believe that SD had the audacity to say that sometime SHE doesn't feel included and this happened when DD was born! No it's called you aren't the only child anymore, there's a difference! We absolutely make her and try to make her feel included all the time! Did she forget she is the one that stopped

coming over , she is the one who opted out of family photos , she is the one never wanting to family things . I can't believe it and DH didn't mention any of this . Just to seems like BS to me or maybe I'm not understanding if you want to be included why aren't you coming over ??!??! 

Comments

Gemini's picture

 

H just gave her what she little which was to talk to her like she was 5 and tell her she is still his little monkey 

Honestly, I don't think that this is what SD wanted to hear. She was being very articulate and honest in this situation, and it looks like your DH's reposnse was to infantilize her in a dismissive sort of way.  Whether you think her feelings are valid or not, this is how she feels.

Does your DH take an interest in her grades or activities? Does he spend some one-on-one time with her when she's there? I get that there are other kids, but her siblings live with him fulltime. Since SD sees her father so little, I feel he should carve out some time for just SD when she's there. Does he treat her as guest, with different rules and expectations than the other kids? 

She doesn't come over, but *this* could be the reason she doesn't come over anymore: for some reason or other, she just doesn't feel included. Honestly your SD doesn't seem like a mean or a bad person so I see potential for improvement. It's up to your DH to find out why she feels thsi way and maybe make some changes or compromises.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I have to disagree. She wants to be treated special when she comes and doesn't want to follow the same rules as the other children, she is entitled. She wants to be included yet doesn't wanna come ? It makes no sense because she is treated the same as them if not better. She doesn't get punished when she doesn't follow the same rules the other kids have. She doesn't feel like she should be part of the shared chores or routine. When DH tries to actuallyparent her, she has major attitude and then doesn't come anymore or reply to text messages. DH text and calls her daily , she hardly ever replies or calls back. I saw her text messages and they all scream BM wording esp because SD never text DH . Also BM moved 3 hours away so it has made it harder for more time together to be spent 

Gemini's picture

Maybe it *is* coming from BM. Then again, maybe not. Blended families are complicated and it's not uncommon for some members to feel excluded.

The first step for your DH is to determine whether this is how SD actually feels or not. Maybe he can tell her that they'll discuss this further when she comes to visit. and then try to find out where this is coming from.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I feel like it's not him that created the distance but actually her then she tries to make him feel guilty, BM doesn't this as well but yes we need to figure out what exactly is going on 

CorpseReviver2's picture

I agree.

It's not shocking that a 12 year old would feel displaced over there being 4 more children added to the family.  Maybe her mom is coaching her but it's not out of the question to believe she feels this way.   Small kids need a lot of attention and a 12 year old isn't always mature enough to understand that.  

Dad should definitely talk to her alone.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Maybe I'm like just ... why are we here again... how many talks does DH need to have with SD to help her understand because he has had many .... you would think maybe after the second child SD would begin to understand yet here we are again like this is something new, it's not. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Are you sure he was texting with SD and not BM?  
 

1. It is none of her business if this is his last kid. 

2. He's a little distant? That's sounds a bit adult like to me. 

3. Complaining about how fast you and son came into her life ?  
 

This just smacks of BM.  These are complaints of a delusional HCBM distraught over her ex moving on and living his best life.  My advice is stop entertaining this crap, put her back into the child role where she belongs and DH back into the adult role owning his decisions where he belongs.  Way too much discussion about adult choices.  SD is being alienated and this is very similar to how it worked in our situation.  Dad does not need to confide in her like a partner. No wonder she doesn't want to come over.  Her mini wife status is gone and talking like this makes me shudder.  That's my opinion.  Others might see something different as we all look at stuff through our own experiences.  

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I highly think this all came from BM . Maybe SD didn't know how to say it so BM took over because those thing you point out are The same things BM has actually told him. DH fell right into the trap but he couldn't kneoand yes it is none of her business if this is his last kid. This screaMs BM . You are exactly right , her mini wife status is gone and she sees it disappear with each child was have . It makes absolutely no sense that she is saying HE is distant when he always ask her to come on her weekend and she doesn't . It made me shudder too because he fed her what she needed which was to be treated special, like the only child again which she is not and she and BM need to stop being dullusional about that. He didn't handle this situation correctly . 

Gemini's picture

Honestly this interaction is very inappropriate all around.

One one side, there's SD who's either very mature for her age or she was coached by BM. My guess is that SD told BM  how she feels and  BM told her just what words to use, or wrote the texts herself, and maybe even embellished it with some opinions of her own

On the other side, there's your DH who alternates between infantilizing his daughter and treating her like an adult. He calls her his little monkey and at the same time, he informs her he's getting the snip so as not to have anymore kids.

Just very weird convo.

Tried out's picture

that it wasn't SD telling BM how she feels - it was BM telling SD how SD feels.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup! I find it very very odd that SD used the same exact wording that BM has used many times against DH. I honestly think this is how BM feels, she it still not over the fact that DH moved on and had a family and she has taught SD to feel the same

advice.only2's picture

Why didn't he call his daughter and tell her?  Her response in my opinion came from BM.  His response was weird and mini wife inducing, again my opinion.  Congratulations on your newest addition. 

Carriem's picture

All kids feel like this to some degree when a new sibling enters the family. I do think your DH response was inappropriate and I think he should have focused more on why she wasn't excited or happy to have further siblings rather than entertain the negative. Her response "this will be your last baby right?" Is a bit odd and would have thrown me back. 
 

what difference does it make how many kids you have if she's not participating as a family member? 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Exactly! I thought it was strange no "when can I see her" "is she okay" just jump right into how the negativity effects her.... give me A break and I think also DH should have shut it down seriously. This is getting very very old her response are either from BM or BM feeding her what to say . But yes the whole

convo should not have happened at the birth of

our daughter with should be a joy

dragonfly878's picture

First, congratulations on your daughter.
Second, I'd be off the charts annoyed with SD. This moment is not about her- it impacts her- but it's not about her. That entitlement is obnoxious. She's making herself a victim.... I 100% agree with you, I'd be pissed. The sun does not rise and set on her ass and the sooner she realizes she's part of a group rather than a party of one- the better because otherwise it's self imposed misery. Love doesn't run out- she just doesn't want to share.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Omg yes thank you . You are absolutely right ! She's always the victim and I have no damn time for it especially when he was sending her a text about her sibling my god! Even my oldest son sent me a sweet text saying how excited she was when she was born and he is 10! At this moment I just do not even want to be alreadt her and I'm sure if she decides to come there will be more sulking and victim behavior. She doesn't want. To share is right and BM doesn't want to either which causes her to isolate herself . Oh well if she comes she will see yet again daddy has another child so she can get on board like everyone else or not grace us with her presence 

dragonfly878's picture

Does your DH get it? Does he see what you see? Once my DH recognized that SS14 was CHOOSING to be bored at our house, CHOOSING to be a victim, CHOOSING to engage only through ailments did he stop feeding into it trying to parent based on approval raiting. I'd talk up your sons reaction big time- infront of her and to anyone who will listen such that they see the contrast. She is CHOOSING to be an outsider. Perhaps call attention to the facts- if she's sulking ask point blank "why are you sulking you look like you're in pain. You gained a sister you didn't lose a limb" or even talk to her like an extreme baby "AWWWWWWWWE SD are you upset you have to share daddy's attention?! You poor thing!!!!!" (Sarcastic but coming across as genuinely concerned so that if anyone tries to call you out- you just join with how hard it is to share.... go on and on to the point it's beyond rediculous- your reaction to her behavior matches her behavior so as to showcase how rediclous she's acting).

I'm sure what she's feeling is real- the transition from a party of one to a family is a transition... she can accept it- or not- but the train leaves the station regardless. She's had an entire pregnancy to talk about her reality, ask age appropriate questions, share concerns, etc and yet the moment your DH shares the birth announcement instantly makes it about her. Not the time.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I don't think he truly sees it which is part of the problem but he also doesn't like tolerate it, although he needs to put more responsibility back on her. "If you feel as though you aren't included why aren't you coming more often?" Questions like that need to be said!!! Oh I'm about to post my sons reaction to the birth of his sister on Facebook! I shared a photo of DS5 hugging the baby yesterday . But yea it was not the time to make my daughters birth about her but that's what she does. She had a had 6 years to talk to her dad about him adding more the the family and she chooses to talk about it now? This ain't her first rodeo lol we have 3 kids together now. But yes you are right life goes on and she can continue to be a guest at her own petty party or try to be part of the family but I will not tolerate or BS and I just might do what you said. Lol also DH has been trying to call her since the text convo to talk to her and she has yet to answer... but shock 

dragonfly878's picture

"also DH has been trying to call her since the text convo to talk to her and she has yet to answer... but shock"

Let the manipulation games begin!!! If I were you id have a serious convo with your DH about her, her choices and how he feeds into her victim narrative. You're exactly right- she needs to be asked those questions (perhaps if he won't- and you get a window infront of him you should. Assuming he'll back you up). I think once he can see what she's doing as within her control he might change his tune. What's bothersome is that he should be with you, 100% right now. Physically and emotionally. That's hard to be present emotionally when she's emotionally handcuffing him with guilt. If he's preoccupied with her- I'd be livid.

He needs insight into what she's doing. For me that was a game changer. SS14 has plenty of things to do at our house- what he wants is to be up his father's ass having the adults in his life entertain him. Once DH recognized that SS was digging his heels in and choosing to be bored so that adults could swoop in and rescue him- only then did he start to back off and let SS struggle (necessarily) to occupy his own time. This kid would (and at times, still does) sit on DD3's swing for HOURS staring at the fence rather than occupying his own time (video game, book, friend, art, bike ride, etc). Stare away my friend... stare away.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Most kids feel a lil displaced after siblings are born. In step crappy world it gets magnified.

As much as she is an annoying, self entitled , PASed brat i kinda feel for her. She got tossed from her throne. Thats hard for any kid. However SD will play this one to punish, score big on attention and gifts.

Its up to DH to reassure her and to let her know that we are family, and you have a place here too in this family. After that its out of DH's control. DH cannot control the manipulation BM has over SD. 

So as the saying goes  IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Focus on your new sweetie and let DH take care of SD. 

bananaseedo's picture

Congrats lady on the birth of your baby girl!! How exciting!!!  

I have to agree w/the others, your dh was completely innapropriate and treated her like an adult with his responding to her asking about  more kids and ESPECIALLY telling her he's having surgery to not have anymore. NONE of that is business  you tell a child.

It's normal for the SD to feel excluded in this situation, however most of her replies/responses or lack of to your DH seem to stem directy from the BM honestly.

I would insist on her calling her dad, and have him tell her he won't respond to texts anymore.  She can tell him her concerns verbally, this way he knows who he is actually talking to.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Thank you ! I thought it completely inappropriate as well, it's non of her business or BM business how many child we have and DH plans!  I'm not happy the convo took place because I do feel they came from BM and he said he would call her and have that conversation over the phone or in person . 

lieutenant_dad's picture

While her phrasing sounded mature, I'm inclined to believe that this may actually be, at least in part, what SD feels like.

When I was a teen (slightly older than SD), my parents divorced. As an adult, I can now see ways that my mom used PAS tactics with us against my dad. However, that doesn't mean my dad was an innocent victim of my mom. She had some legitimate complaints about my dad's behavior, but then used those complaints to get us to side with her because she felt she deserved it.

Some of those complaints were related to my dad's (now ex) GF and his work schedule. It wouldn't be unheard of for us to go a few weeks without hearing from or seeing our dad due to his work schedule (24 hour shifts + a part-time job) and our school schedule. The kicker for a while, though, was him having a GF who had a daughter that he saw more than he saw us.

It hurt like hell to finally get to see my dad and realize that his GF's daughter had seen him more than we had and had done more fun things with him that we had. It's not that my dad planned these things; it was that his GF had made plans and invited him (and being a dumb, newly divorced father, he followed her like a puppy dog). I liked the GF and her DD well enough, but I was angry that my dad seemingly prioritized his GF over us.

As an adult, I can see nuance in the situation. He worked nearly everyday, and the "fun times" he spent with his GF and her DD were typically weeknight dinners after he got off work and spent the night at her house. So he "spent time" with her DD because the DD lived there. That wasn't every case, of course, but 20+ years later and I get it to some extent.

As a teen, though? It was very black and white to me. My dad chose his new GF and her DD over my siblings and I. Having my mom in the background confirming that was what he was doing only made my resentment and anger worse. Toss in my dad talking about adding another bed into mine and my sister's room for the GF's DD, or finding out we had to share our space with her when we weren't there, and it was nearly rage-inducing at times. 

Were we right to feel that way? I dunno. I was maybe 14 years old, and my siblings were younger than that. The only person talking about the situation with my dad was my mom, and we've already covered her attitude toward the situation. My dad didn't know how to handle the situation, so he just didn't.

So I wouldn't be surprised that your SD's response is what it is. I'd be miffed if I found out about my new sibling via text. I'd be miffed if I knew my dad was switching weekends again because he had to work during the 96 hours a month he got to see me. I'd be miffed if during those 96 hours I had to share them with younger siblings because they "needed him" as if I didn't. As an adult, it's very easy to rationalize out some of those feelings (though there are grown adults on here who would also be miffed if the SK-free weekends they got each month were shortened due to their spouse working or having other obligations). To a kid, though, you don't have the capability to rationalize much of that, especially if one parent is encouraging you to be angry and the other one keeps behaving in the way that makes you angry.

So what is the solution? That really depends on your DH and SD having a real conversation, in person, about the issues. That probably includes your DH not missing time with SD or switching weekends unless it's going to give him more time. Yes, he has other little kids who need his time and attention, but SD is still a minor. She needs him, tok, just in different ways. Yeah, she's probably angry that she has more siblings and her time is even more divided, but that's a natural response by older kids. It's likely just worse because of all the other feelings and resentment she has.

Really, your DH just needs to figure out what he wants to do with SD. If he wants to be her father and an active parental figure, then has is going to have to step it up. Demand his visitation, take BM back to court when she argues, set up therapy for him and SD, carve out a bit of time with just her (really, all the kids should be getting some 1-on-1 time with you all), etc. If he can't or won't do that, then he just needs to stop fighting her and BM. If she wants to come over, great. If not, then she doesn't. He can call her and let it go if she doesn't call back. He can send her a card and gifts at holidays. He either puts as much effort into parenting her as he does his other kids or he treats her like an extended family member. He decided to have three kids, and he has to figure out how to meet each of their unique needs and overcome the challenges each present to him.

grannyd's picture

Congratulations, Ashley!

Isn’t it awesome, how different the babies are from one another and how varied the birth experience? Even more astounding is that blast of love that you feel when the new one is in your arms for the first time. Yup, it never gets old. 

I really hate that your continued bonding is being compromised by a spoiled and selfish young madam who, as Rags often mentions, is not conceding to the younger ones, their turn to be infants, toddlers, etc. 

She is behaving badly and I’m sure, that on some level, she is aware of it.

 Certainly, the girl’s resentment could have been ameliorated by judicious counsel from her mother but there doesn’t seem to be much common sense coming from that direction.

Well, Hon, phooey on the lot of them and enjoy the newcomer. I envy you those first days of a newborn; getting to know one another, connecting. (grannyd sighs deeply) Give rose

Crr18's picture

Keep enjoying your newborn!! Don't let SD take your joy away.  I am not sure if what she is feeling is valid or not. My SD has quit coming and only texts her dad back when she feels like it I know darn well he tried to give her attention. When she was staying overnight she was always doing other things and we didn't see her until 9 or later and she would shower and go to bed. Get up and was gone in the morning with BM. When asked she said she wasn't getting attention and made up so many reasons why. SO coddled her and waited on her hand and foot when he did see her so we are not exactly sure what she was doing saying these things. One was SO paid too much attention to the cats. SO has tried and tried now to take her to dinner. Ice cream, movies, go on walks, asked her what she wants and it is always no. We think she ended up being tired of going back and forth and maybe also a little tired of hearing about her brother and sports But the sports thing also goes on at BMs. I guess we will never truly understand the truth that is going on in our SDs  minds.