You are here

BM is making her rounds to MiL and SIL

Ashleytenorio17's picture

So after BM cussed me out over the phone and he not contacted DH since I guess she is making her rounds to MiL and SIL to of course get their petty and to side with her ...DH has been trying to reach SD for days to have a talk with her , he has texted her, FaceTime her and called her and all got ignored . Today he decided to finally shut off her phone because BM emailed DH saying "I got her a new line so you can cancel her line now. I'll give you her phone when I see you mom" I was like, "see your mom , when would she ever see your mom and also no the phone needs to be mailed to us since we bought it so tell her we will pay for postage but the phone belongs to us and not his mom" this tells me BM plans to i guess still send SD to MiL house and let SD continue to avoid us and her dad ?  This all seems very wrong to me but I guess , I'm done and tired of it . Has anyone ever had this happen where stepkids gave visitation only with grandparents ?? 


NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

SD has not come before so why would she change if she isn't held accountable? At this point, even if he filed contempt against BM for having SD miss her visitation with her dad, the judge would probably side with BM since your DH hasn't done anything about it before. 

I don't see a judge ever giving visitation only with grandparents if there is no abuse or safety issues at your home, but it seems like this has been going on for a long time that SD has not been coming when she is supposed to and nothing is done about it so it doesn't seem like your DH cares whether or not SD comes.

As mentioned before whether it is only SD doesn't want to come because she doesn't feel welcome in your home or because BM, MIL, & SIL are all validating or helping fill her head of why she doesn't want to come, it doesn't surprise me. 

I thought you would be happy since you didn't want her in your home anyway? I would just totally disengage yourself from the situation. Let your DH figure out the details about getting the phone you bought back and about getting to see SD or talk to her, etc. Not your monkey, not your circus.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

He talked to a lawyer about filing a case against BM for SD not coming but he advised him he would not get anywhere where with it because SD is old enough to voice her concerns and if it's SD saying in her own words she doesn't not want to come nothing can really be done . Something can only be done if SD WAS voicing she wanted to come to her dad and BM with physically with holding her . He just told DH to keep asking for SD in his weekends even if he knows she won't come so he can document the communication. You are right, not my problem but I just don't like BM going around and spreading her lies to DH family but you can't control crazy huh 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

because it doesn't sound right. The child gets to an age to voice their opinion of who they want to primarily live with, but I have never heard a minor child being able to dictate whether they see the NCP during their visitation time especially if it is not a conflict of schedule with a sport, etc. If there was a conflict of the schedule, they would change the visitation schedule, not completely write off your DH's visitation time. Your DH's relationship with SD is just as important at 13 as it is at 10 and she still needs her dad.

You sound like my DH with the last comment, especially now that BM is back living within 30 minutes of where both BM and DH grew up, DH hates how he knows that BM is going around spreading lies about him to people he knows and even family members of his even if they are toxic. I told him that I get it, but he needs to let it go and if they believe the bullshit that BM is spreading then he does not want those people in his life anyway. I never said it was easy, but you focus a lot of energy on step life and especially when you feel the way you do about SD, then you really need to work on just letting it all go. You can't control it, you can't change and it is taking away from your own happiness.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Well now they are saying that SD feelings need to be taken into account and if it's causing her destress coming over and she has voiced she doesn't want to come then it needs to be taken into account. He told the lawyer about the time she came and was in the home with me while he was working and she left with her grandmother and we found out SD never wanted to come that weekend . He said the judge might not want to put SD in a situation where she feels like she is miserable and seeks out ways to run away. I don't its a lot . But you are right I spend too much time on this and mainly because I have been the point of blame for a lot of it even when I was doing a lot for my SD some where it feels on me , not even on DH like it should . 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

way trying to attack you or make you feel bad for feeling the way you feel. I think in terms of your own happiness and even for the benefit of SD, it would be better for you both if you just tried to disengage and not worry or involve yourself when it comes to SD.

If your DH doesn't want to see SD or doesn't want to work on making her feel wanted, then that is on him. I don't agree with him dropping the rope, but if he can't make the effort or try to better things on his own, then he really doesn't care and/or is lazy. However, that is all on him, it is not your responsibility. You cannot care more than your DH does and I don't think if SD does come to your house she should be home with you given the circumstances, she should be home or with your DH. She is there to visit her dad and if he isn't around at all, what is the point of her coming?

SD spends a lot of time with me on DH's visitation and there are many reasons for that. It was a joint decision if we bought the house we did which is further from his job that taking SD to/from activities will probably be primarily on me. I work from home and have a really flexible schedule, DH works 7-5 plus a 40 minute commute now each way. DH is 95% going to be moving job locations in May that would make it 20 minutes each way and is more flexible than his current employer. SD and I at the current moment also have a fantastic relationship so I have no issues with helping as much as I do. But just because SD spends more time with me during the week, she spends equal or more time with DH on the weekend and he is equally as involved with everything else. If my relationship with SD changes as it has with many step parents when the skids got older, then we will re-evaluate and go from there. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Well DH is still trying with SD he has been trying to call her for probably about 2 weeeks so they can talk about everything. She has not answered any of his FaceTime calls or phone calls as of yesterday but she will text " I miss you " I told DH before SD ever decides to come this talk will need to happens and she needs to stop avoiding and ignoring . I told him I am taking myself out of the situation no matter how much that will upset both BM and SD . If DH is not home then SD should not be in our home as you said. I will like you said go back and disengage and DH needs to explain this to SD so she is not going back to BM and saying horrible things about me with out knowing why like she has done . Despite what you think I would love to have an actual relationship with my SD but until SD can shape up a bit, boundaries are set and respected and out home is respected I don't see it happening. I have tried in the past and was just ignored 

ESMOD's picture

The reality is that when kids enter their teen years.. they start to want to have more autonomy over their lives.. and it sounds like SD would be able to make a reasonable enough case if she were asked as to why she is not interested in being at her father's house as much.

Because from the posts here.. it's clear that the focus and environment of her dad's is very busy with little kids.. and there is little private space for her.  Her dad is often busy.. even out of the house while she is there.. so the reality is why would she want to go hang out there when she won't even see her dad much.. and he doesn't have time for her?

She likes her mom's with space more to herself.. probably a bit "quieter" environment without little kids and for a teen.. that's not totally wrong for her to feel that way.

She and her SM don't appear to have the best relationship either.. so when she goes there.. she is the odd man out.. the outsider.. and that isn't fun.. she just doesn't feel she belongs there.. for a variety of reasons.. including some things that are part of who she is too.. but it just feels like she feels marginalized in the "new" family dynamic... and I think a judge might be sympathetic to her complaints.. and probably wouldn't punish her mom for not forcing a teenager to go to visitation when she is opposed to it.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

This is more is less what the lawyer was saying , the judge would side with SDs feelings even if they aren't valid. If SD feels like she doesn't want to come over and BM has nothing to do with it then SD has the choice to . Regardless of SD wanting to come or not DH still asks for SD so I don't get why BM blames DH all the time for not wanting SD when it's SD telling BM and DH she doesn't want to come . I guess I'll be like some people on here who say there SD hasn't been around for years. Seems very odd but now I get why 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

are 100% VALID.

Even with your DH asking for SD, him not being there, him not spending time with SD, SD not having any dedicated anything of her own at her Dad's house, etc. doesn't show he actually wants her there. If anything, if I was BM I would say he feels obligated to ask and only asks so it doesn't look like he 100% doesn't care if she comes or not. That is only talking about SD and her dad's relationship, not even touching on SD's relationship with SM or any of the other children at their house.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Can you please stop making the one weekend he was gone appear as though he was never ever around when SD was at our home ??? Lol jesus it was one weekend and she left Saturday. I have said this many many many times and yet you took that and ran with it. I'm not sure why. But yes she came on a weekend and he had to work, SD knew about it and DH wanted to take SD with him and she didn't want to go and said she wanted to stay at our house . Do you want a list of all the times and days he did try to spend quality time with her and she said no? It's more then I can count , missed birthdays , his birthday, family members birthdays , skatepark trips, movies, trips to visit family who came from another county, countless times DH ask SD to come for these event so she count be included with the family and events. SD would refuse . His family just came from El Salvador to visit , DH asked SD to come so they could go visit the family at MIL house , SD refused 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

This is not the first Saturday DH has scheduled work when she was coming to visit. You have posted about it in the past because you didn't want to have to be responsible for her.  I am not discounting all of the times she has refused to spend time with DH and your family. And I understand that your DH has to get work when he can. What we are trying to do is help you understand why she might not want to spend time with the family and why she might not feel welcome.

For your sake, it is time for you to quit trying to make this work. Disengage and leave it up to your DH. Let him have whatever relationship he wants to have with his daughter, and let the rest go. She is not spending time at your house, which is really what you want. So what if she is with MIL? I understand the principal of the matter - but you need to let it go.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes I can and will let it go but I keep getting dragged back in the drama. I have asked everyone to leave me out . 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Well she can feel how she wants to feel but her dad has been shown as a option since day one or I think since DH and I started a family . I get she may feel a certain way about her place but that does mean you get to treat everyone horrible for it. Cussing out my son, bullying him, ignoring family ( including DH, MiL and SIL) and only choosing to talk to them when you need a gift or want them to feel bad for you . Lord knows we have tried with SD to include her one example was ... we scheduled to have family photos done of us all, SD declined and said she only wanted photos of herself and didn't want to be in the family photos. Not once but twice. We have ton family vacations which she has said openly that she would rather vacation with her mom and not our family . She has her own room, clothes, space , everything and still would say she didn't like being in our home. So yes she can feel how she wants to feel but it's not due to a lack of trying . I recently have stopped trying but I did take her places with me all the time . DH has tried to a every Sunday skate park event with JUST her but she refused to come. He bought her skateboards to keep here so they could practice alone and she wouldn', yes alot of things I don't include in my post because it's just alot when I think about all the ways in which DH tried and I tried to make her feel apart of our home it really is a lot and she still didn't . 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The problem is that BM is not "over" the situation, will not move on or allow SD and her dad to move on, and your in-laws are still somewhat enmeshed with BM, so they never accepted you either. What stepparent has a chance in such a situation if their spouse isn't able to enforce boundaries with not only his ex but his whole family? Wash your hands of all of them, and your DH can try to have a relationship with his daughter in any way he can. Forget what MIL, SIL, or BM think. Who cares? You have been marginalized in your DH's family from the start. Block them all, and avoid them all. Be polite but distant at gatherings where you absolutely must see them. Do not under any circumstances participate in their drama. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

This . Yes thank you . I was from the start seen as a "intruder" by SD, BM and DH family . 

AlmostGone834's picture

Has anyone ever had this happen where stepkids gave visitation only with grandparents ?? 

No, The Skunk Ape tried to convince LI once (when she was 12/13) not to have anything to do with my DH and he hired a lawyer and fought it. He always made sure LI came for her visitations and when they moved to FL a few years later, we would pay for her to fly up to visit several times a year. They don't have a extremely close relationship but I know it would break his heart if she cut him off completely and I can't see him just giving up on her.

dragonfly878's picture

Both BM and SD sound like an epic pain in the ass. The world does not revolve around them. Congratulations on her deciding not to come to your house with her drama- enough with the pursue-withdraw nonsense. Protect your peace. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yup , I found this out when I told BM "I was not responsible for SD" you would have thought I told her I killed her dog. BM lashed out a " how dare you , FK you" I am glad for the drama to stop but SD is already trying to manipulate DH while still avoiding a actually real conversation about what has happened so I can see SD like her BM acting as if nothin happened ... 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

If your husband and his mother are ok with it, why worry? Good riddance if you ask me

Your husband is responsible for his relationships with his mother and daughter and sister. If he is the type to submit to them, let him live his family dynamics the way he always has before you

 You will not change anything. If he asks for advice, you may give it but I would stay out of it if i were you. Their intent is to scapegoat you as the reason why daddy cant see his daughter or vice versa. You will understand with time.

Enjoy your life. I wish my MIL would take the steps but she has never done so in her entire life and does not like them (cant blame her). They do not like her and call her all types of names even tho they have barely interacted with her all these years but BM2 tells them that their entire fathers family is crazy and to stay away (funny enough her family is very dysfunctional and toxic but they claim to be normal lol)


Life is a peach if your SD stays at your MIL....what more can you ask for?

I would turn her room into a gym or an office space

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Even better! No room is needed for children who dont visit regularly and refuse to follow court orders


I made the mistake of assigning rooms and all i have is cleaning up after ungrateful steps and then empty space taken away when I could use it for my personal stuff

A pull out bed is good enough for someone who visits once every blue moon at their mothers whim

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I tend to agree. They had a room for SD for years that she never reliably stayed in. After a while, even her dad gave up and started scheduling work because there was such a small percent chance SD would show. He failed to get a handle on SD/BM/MIL/SIL, and did not insist the CO was followed for years. Why should OP sacrifice to hold a room empty for the off chance SD might come? 

Cover1W's picture

Yes.  We held OSDs room for her for a YEAR and she either refused to come, BM backed her up on all this BTW, or had other more important things to do. Mostly she just didn't care to come and thought DH was horrible. Now, he could have helped counter the PAS years earlier by being a stronger parent but he just didn't - he doesn't have any parenting skills. Well, almost none. He tends to just give up rather than do the harder work of being involved. BM really did a number on him years ago and he just doesn't want to stir that pot up. And there's no way I myself was going to be MORE effected by this than I already was...disengage, re-do room. If OSD had ever wanted to come she'd have her space, but not her personalized space. She gave that up with her years of disappearance and horrific attitude.

ndc's picture

That seems appropriate for how often she visits.  When you have a lot of kids living there full time you can't just keep a bedroom empty for a kid who chooses not to visit very often. 

Cover1W's picture

BTW:  You've got all PMs blocked.  If you want to chat offline on PM then you'll have to "establish a relationship" or unblock me so I can respond to you.  Smile