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Maybe it’s just me!!!!

Ashleycandoit's picture

Prior to my husband and I getting married he really wasn't spending time with his boys (like barely very very rarely) and I was trying to encourage the change.. and apparently it worked because now he gets them every other weekend because of me. But now I feel like it's biting me in the butt cause I don't feel the effort he use to put into me and maybe I'm selfish but I didn't think I would get forgotten about because of some encouragement of things you should have been doing. Then at first he would never talk to the mothers of his kids but I encouraged him to converse with them and be mature.. but now it's like a damn text fest about stupid things.. so am I getting jealous of a situation I created yes. I just wanted everyone to be happy including me. 


hereiam's picture

You should have found us, first. We would have told you to stay out of it because, well, you see why, now.

Sorry that if backfired. You need to talk to him about having some balance.

justmakingthebest's picture

I think what you did was admirable. It just sounds like you need to do a little restructuring again. Have you told your husband how you feel? Remind him that marriage takes time and energy and work. That you are feeling alone and depleted. Sometimes men need to be told directly- "I need you to do xyz". They aren't mind readers. Tell him that on the weekends you don't have kids you want a date night. Doesn't not have to be expensive or even cost anything. That one weekend you will plan it and the next he has to. Make it fun! Try and out do each other with creativity! 

Tell him other things that are bothering you- need more communication, more sex, more time alone when the kids are there, etc. Whatever those needs are, just tell him!

If he isn't willing, then that will be a whole other blog and we can help there too, but you won't like it. 

Steptotheright's picture

I read mothers, multiple mothers. Oh dear, you really did shoot yourself in the foot didn't you. Not really sure how to undo this new affinity for chat with his exes and go back to having a healthy distance, but I am nonplussed... you must be pretty unselfish I suppose, that you suggested he talk to them more. I just don't understand it, is all.

Either of those exes, if I read right and there are indeed multiple exes in this scenario, could want to get back with your man, and could be planting seeds to that effect as we speak.

Men have a way of going overboard with something once they feel like they have the clearance to do it. I guess talk to him and say, "That's not what I meant."


WalkOnBy's picture

Oh, honey, do I wish you had spoken to me before you went down that "you need to spend time with your kids" road.  Granted, he wasn't not spending time with them by choice, it was because Medusa wouldn't allow it, but then I opened my stupid mouth and taught him how to navigate the court system and hold Medusa accountable.

Ended up with 3 skids, full time with NO parenting time for Medusa.

Having said that, I auggest the following - a chat with him about boundaries.  If you're not sure where to set them, just ask us, we will tell you for sure.  Next, spend some time thinking about whether or not you really want to deal with multiple BMs...seems like that's a path rife with conflict, but let's hope I am wrong.

Finally, take him somewhere quiet and tell him exactly what you need and want in YOUR relationship.  It very well could be that he is dense when it comes to those kinds of things, or it could be that he may not be the right dude for you.

In any event, there are a lot of us here who can help you navigate.



strugglingSM's picture

Your DH sounds very passive. From what you've said, he waits for someone else to set up what he should do and he just follows along. 

Perhaps, you should give him specific direction about what you need from him and see if he follows. 

For yourself, don't worry about making everyone else happy. That is not within your control. Focus on what you need and how you need to support your relationship with your husband. He needs to be the one owning the relationship with his kids. If you would prefer that he have stronger boundaries with BMs, then you need to work with him to create those boundaries to protect your relationship.