Been a rough week all around - Just venting
I'm not sure what is out there in the universe this week working against me, but it's been one of those weeks... There's been the excessive issues with the SD11, continued issues with SS9, and last night when I tried having a conversation with H about SKids and some issues between him and I, I turned into the bad guy all around and have no idea where things stand between us at the moment.
Perhaps I came at him with too much for one night and it overloaded him. I told him that the SKids' behavior towards me and the nasty notes about me need to be addressed in a way that it is clear it is unacceptable. The SKids don't have to like me, but that this is our house and we are the adults and regardless if they like me or not, I'm not going anywhere just because they don't want me here and that we all just need to deal with it basically. He felt that was mean. He says "So because we're married and SD is his daughter, we all just have to deal with the situation?"... Well yes, that is what I meant. It's not as though SD is going anywhere either, so despite the fact we don't get along, we need to accept it and have some sort of calm in the house. You could see the disapproval on his face and he said he needed to digest what I had just said...
Then came the hard part... our issues. I won't go TOO in depth here, but basically we have had a hard road in our marriage so far, and he had an addiction problem which lead to a lot of lies and distrust which I am still trying to recover from. But it's very hard when I catch him lying to me, breaking promises, and hiding things. I can't help but be upset and feel concerned that maybe he has slipped up. So I bring up the couple things that were bothering me... porn, him looking at apartments on craigslist, the fact he is leaving an hour to hour and a half before work again (he was doing this when he was using before to get high before work). I tell him all of those things make me concerned that he may be using again and it's hard to just believe him when he tells me he's not or that it isn't what it looks like and I don't have anything else to go on. At this point, he is shut down, he's angry - he says what I said really pisses him off but he's not going to react - only he is reacting, he's mad and unwilling to discuss anything else, unwilling to tell me why he's so mad. He does NOT like when I say I have no reason to believe him because he feels like he's done a lot to prove he's changed... Which is true, to a point. He definitely doesn't ACT like he did before, but he also hid it from me for a year before I realized what was going on, so it's not impossible to think he could be doing it again, and when I catch him lying or hiding something, of course it makes me question everything else he's telling me.
Anyway, that was pretty much the end of the conversation. He said "is there anything else cause I'm ready to wrap this up" ... WOW. Ok, yeah we can be done. and then proceeded to spend the rest of the evening not speaking to each other, and woke up this morning with him in a full fledged attitude with me. I told him I hate that I was just trying to get my concerns out there instead of dwelling and letting it fester, and he isn't even willing to try to work on anything and that it feels like he is done. He said absolutely nothing and went to work (on time tho instead of early but blamed me that he didn't have time to stop for breakfast - even tho he did).
I know all of it sounds like I should run, get out now. But that's not what I want. I just want us to be able to talk and work on our problems together. I don't want to have to hold back my feelings, or feel like I'm living in a one-sided marriage. If he were to decide to leave over all of this - fine. I don't feel I did anything wrong by bringing up concerns I have, even if he doesn't like them. If he wants to walk away over that, whatever. I won't have to deal with the SKids anymore either.
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If you don't want to leave
If you don't want to leave your marriage you really have to look into counseling. Communication is key in a marriage and without that I can't imagine you both lasting. There is clearly a break down here and him shutting you out is not healthy. Is seeking help an option? If you both don't learn tools to be able to communicate how long will you continue in this one sided relationship where you can't open up to your own H? Your walking on eggshells, that is no way to live.
We were going to counseling
We were going to counseling before then our counselor went out on maternity leave. He went every week and he participated but he never really dug deep or brought anything to the table himself other than an issue over getting rid of a car he loved and resented me for wanting to get rid of it. We actually spent 2 sessions on that crap. The car needed a new transmission and wasn't even big enough for our family. It was just a honda, but I think it reminded him of another time in his life... Anyway, I had brought up going to counseling again about a month ago, but so far we haven't. It wasn't terribly helpful before but at least when we were IN counseling, the counselor would coax him to talk about things.
We had a similar issue about a month ago, which was when I brought up counseling again, and I told him then that I don't want to be in a marriage with someone that isn't honest with me and doesn't communicate with me. And yet, here we are... I don't walk on eggshells tho, I say what I have to say, and I think that is part of the issue. He has a hard time owning up to anything, but I have no issue bringing things up and trying to come to some sort of understanding.
I'm definitely worried that this may just be the way things are with him, and if that is the case, I won't be able to take much more of the lying, lack of communication, and overall disrespect I get, from both him and his kids.
Wishing you some positive
Wishing you some positive changes Ashes! I see you are trying to do the work.
Isn't one of the twelve steps
Isn't one of the twelve steps of addiction owning up to and admitting when you are wrong?
It makes sense now why the kids lie. Spawn's mother was a meth mouth so it's no wonder she was a pro at lying.
Have you looked into al-anon for yourself? I don't know much about being married to an addict, but I would think it could help.
I have. I went to one group
I have. I went to one group but it was focused on alcoholics as opposed to drugs, and there are some serious differences. I just have to try a few others to find a good fit. I have gone to counseling for myself, as well as tried couples counseling. So I have been putting in the work, not only to work on our marriage, but also to work on me. But unless he does the same, I'm fighting the battle on my own. He was going to NA meetings, but then that slowly stopped. He was also going to counseling, for a long while, but the counselor felt he didn't need to go anymore.
There is Narc-Anon
There is Narc-Anon as well and not all Al-Anon meetings are as alcohol centric. It really depends on the people running it. I would check out different meetings in your area and online. But you must know from doing the reading and research that if it walks like a duck..... As far as the counseling goes, I highly doubt that the counselor gave a blessing for an addict to stop both individual counseling and meeting attendance for anyone with under 5+ solid years clean. Maybe one or the other but no way they OK'd stopping both.
He was doing all of it
He was doing all of it voluntarily but I agree, it seemed weird to me as well that the counselor felt he didn't need to go anymore after less than a year. He stopped counseling first, then stopped going to the meetings after. But yes, definitely know the duck scenario. And I think because I was SO oblivious to it the first time in the beginning, I am hyper sensitive now. Which may not be good either because anything that seems off, I immediately go there in my mind. I've done really good at not accusing him (often) or bringing up any time it crosses my mind, but when there are clear signs and triggers for me of similar situations from before, it's hard to turn a blind eye. I HOPE that it isn't the way it seems and it is my hyper sensitivity, but it sure is hard to tell, especially when he won't open up to me about anything.
I know it sucks
I know it sucks but a major part of recovery is fully grasping the damage you did and recognizing that you have to prove trustworthiness until the people in your life trust you. Not until you feel like you have done enough or that they should trust you by now or that you are tired of having to be accountable all the time. "Clean" is living how you are supposed to and everything will eventually come in time. The "damn it you should trust me by now and I am not doing this anymore" is a dead giveaway that they are backsliding into addict thinking. Not necessarily using yet but reverting to the characteristics that got them into trouble in the first place. Is he still in touch with a sponsor or anyone from the program that you could encourage him to reach out to?
I completely agree, and when
I completely agree, and when we were in counseling that was one of the things our counselor kept telling us both. This is going to take a long time, and it's going to take a lot of work on both of our parts. It hasn't been THAT long (we're at just a year) and I went thru pure hell during his addiction. So I would say I almost have like a PTSD when it comes to this. I know it's got to be hard to keep trying to prove himself and having the past brought up but he has no idea what he actually put me thru and how easily all those times come rushing back when I am seeing the same patterns returning. I have tried to tell him that all I really want is the truth, even if it's bad. At least we can work on fixing whatever the issue is if we're starting from the truth. But if he lies to me then we aren't even able to try to fix anything because I don't know what the problem actually is.
He never really connected with anyone at the meetings, he mainly just went to them and listened to everyone's stories. He would just have to go to a meeting basically.
On the one hand, I understand
On the one hand, I understand how he could have felt "dumped on". first you "attack" his child to him.. then you move on to what he is doing wrong. But on the other hand, you shouldn't be forced to accept his kid leaving "meangirl" notes around the home.. and he should be bending over backwards to make sure he is open and honest with you given his history.
I'm not going to get into the morality of looking at pictures/videos.. but I would be extremely concerned about someone looking at apartments unless we have already discussed moving together. The going to work early? might not be drugs, but it might be taking time to meet up with someone else.
I think you do need to try to get back into counseling if you think this is worth it.. but with him checking out apartments.. it seems he may already have one foot out the door.
I also understand that he may
I also understand that he may have felt dumped on, and it wasn't even my intention to talk about the kids but something had randomly come up and I just quickly touched on it. I did warn him when he got home that I had a couple of things that I wanted to talk about, and we had talked about the kids and our issues hours apart. Either way, still a lot to take in for one night...
I have a hard time letting things go, like if I don't get my feelings out there, it drastically affects my mood anyway (which is partially why this group is so helpful!). I DID manage not to send him any texts about it at work yesterday, and I was nice and joking and fine really when he came home, I wasn't trying to let it affect my mood and wasn't wanting to have a heated conversation. But because honesty has been an issue, even so recently, I did want to get it out there and try to come at it calmly and see if we made any progress. I'm trying to communicate with him regularly so that maybe he will start doing it back...
When it came to the apartments, I even told him it seemed like he was planning his exit. As I said, we are a family of 6, so a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment wouldn't cut it, but it would for him and his kids (I did not say that to him but definitely what I was thinking). He said he was looking at places for all of us, but when he clicked on the housing part, it clicked on something else. BUT we have NOT discussed moving. We have discussed staying where we are until we are able to buy a house tho. So either way, something sounds fishy.
It's very possible that he is
It's very possible that he is feeling a lot of pressure and stress and not sure how to deal with it. "leaving" your situation is his fantasy about leaving problems behind. But, you and I know that his problems are mostly things that originate within him. So, he moves on/out.. well, his (and your) problems arelikely to follow alont with him.
Plus, how do you think miss little meangirl will take the fact that she got some success out of her tactics? She is going to DOUBLE DOWN on the next poor sucker to get pulled into his life.
Now, it might have been him just looking in a moment of anger/stress and it was fantasy not reality of him really WANTING to leave. But, I would definitely have my guard up and would be getting any of my money out of joint fund accounts just in case.
OP, I think your own therapy
OP, I think your own therapy and al-anon would be the best thing you can do. Figure out what you can do/change in your own behavior.
I do want to note that BM in our situation has hung onto, for almost 20 years, DH "making her" get rid of a broken down 2-seater sports car when she was pregnant with SS and had two older children. She used it to help alienate SS from his father. Hanging on to something that petty is not the sign of a healthy person. Especially when, like in your situation, getting rid of the car was best for everyone in the family.
Exactly. We had a
Exactly. We had a conversation about this car, and he agreed that it wasn't practical anymore and he wanted to get a truck for work anyway and we needed a vehicle that would fit our whole family (there's 6 of us), so we got the truck and was supposed to sell the car to help with a down payment on our family vehicle. But the car continued to sit in the driveway for months... and months. And I KNEW it was a touchy subject, I actually couldn't believe it when he agreed to get rid of it, so I was treading lightly but any time I asked about posting it on craigslist, he would get mad and tell me to give him time. Well after almost a year went by of this thing just sitting there, he did finally get rid of it, but it also took me trying to gently nudge him every so often and ultimately took our family vehicle at the time breaking down before he did it.
You really have a major problem
You DH does not seem to want to deal with anything, he does not want to deal with. That not an Adult. He has to make his kid respect you. No other way, It his job to make the kids respect you. The other problems is going to be the real problem
That's just it, the kids
That's just it, the kids should at least respect me (or at least not openly disrespect me) and our house, even if they don't like me.
And yes, the other problem is a much bigger problem. Plus it seems to intensify the other problems.
He most definitely needs to learn how to deal with situations, even if they are difficult or make him upset. All I tried to do was voice some concerns, and now we aren't even speaking to each other.
Definitely Using
"He definitely doesn't ACT like he did before, but he also hid it from me for a year before I realized what was going on, so it's not impossible to think he could be doing it again, and when I catch him lying or hiding something, of course it makes me question everything else he's telling me."
He's just learned how to hide it better this time.... I promise, if you know he is lying or secretive about anything...he's using, that' what addicts do...when using.
They don't have anything to hide, and dont hide anything when they're clean.
Protect yourself, your kids, your money and don't try to parent him. Go to Al-anon, or an open NA meeting and ask for help. My heart breaks..I've been you and I've been him. The deflecting and gaslighting are just to keep your very good radar pointed in any other direction than killing his buzz. I think you know in your heart of hearts anyway.
Much love to you.