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Unsuitable Stepmom and Difficult BM

AriesBMandSM's picture

Hi. I am new here and need some advice. I am a BM of two boys - 5 and 7 - and SM to two, a girl who is 3 and the boy who is 12.

I am having difficulty with both these situations.

I divorced my H 4 years ago. He has remarried last year. His wife is a bitch and totally unsuitable for my sons. I don't believe in mixed marriages. My exH married a woman of a different race and I don't want my children around her. We have shared custody and exH thinks its ok to expose the boys to this. I don't approve and don't want this influence on my children. It is not okay with me. It is wrong. My exH refuses to see my view on this. It is wrong that my children are deliberately in this situation because exH does not respect how I feel about this situation. Would it be right to file for full custody because I don't agree with their lifestyle?

Also, the BM of my SD posts horrible comments about me on FB. I have been married to my current husband for three years. She still accused me of wrecking her marriage three years later. I met DH when he was in process of divorce. The children have been poisoned by this woman and their father does nothing to stop her from doing this behavior. What must I do?

Please help me because I want to scream in frustration.

Comments

AriesBMandSM's picture

My children should not be exposed to situations I don't approve of. As a parent my views should be considered and respected. It might not be politically correct, but these are my beliefs. I don't want my children exposed to a woman I do not think is fit or suitable to be around my children.

The BM is delusional in that she refuses to accept she is divorced. That was between her and her exH. Too lie to the skids and say I wrecked their marriage is untrue. It makes it hard for the kids to accept that life has moved on without her.

doll faced sm's picture

Well, sure she could. My guess is that she'd be laughed out of court and/or loose her case entirely, but she can say whatever she'd like.

Cadence's picture

You seem to be struggling with the concept of not having totalitarian control over the other household after divorce. If you wanted to be able to control everything in your children's lives, then divorce was not the right choice for you. Alas, that is where you are now and you seem to be kicking and screaming rather than doing the psychological work to accept your circumstances.

Saying things like "it is wrong" is not true. You think it is wrong and you have a right to your opinion. Where that right ends is when you try to force your opinion onto other people, including your children's other parent.

You're just going to have to suck it up and deal. Try to focus on being accepting rather than hateful.

moeilijk's picture

I give you your words back: LIFE HAS MOVED ON WITHOUT YOU.

If you wanted to prevent your children from being exposed to situations you don't approve of then don't have kids, unless you are able to wrap them in saran-wrap and keep them on a leash.

Good luck with your life. I think you'll need it.

Disneyfan's picture

You're anger because your ex refuses to raise your kids to be racist? Cool. I say go to court ASAP. Tell the judge you do no want your kids around black, Hispanic, Asian.....people.
Please act quick. If not your poor kids my up playing with kids of a different race or may end in school, summer camp, on a sport team, living next door.... to some OF THEM. Hurry up before that SM starts feeding your kids her kind of food and forcing them to listen to her type of music.

Rush to four with all of your concerns and fears. If your kids are lucky, the judge will place them with dad and SM full time.

If BM is call in your an ignorant racist on FB, then kudos to her. Have to wonder what's wrong with your husband. Why in the world is he OK with have his kids around a racist?

AriesBMandSM's picture

Why is it okay to insist that your children are raised Christian or Baptist? Or insist that your children do homework? Or decide what your children eat? These are the beliefs of the parents. It is not right or wrong.
My belief is that the influence of the SM is not what I want for my children. I do not want my children raised by someone whose culture, race and beliefs are different to mine.
Is it so hard to understand that I want my children protected?

Disneyfan's picture

Insisting your child is raised in a certain faith is not the same as trying to keep them away from SM because she is the "wrong"race.

What color are you and SM?

AriesBMandSM's picture

How is it different? Religion is a belief you have, what you want for your child.
If people don't agree with me, this is fine. It doesn't mean that what I want for my children is wrong.

My ex husband is setting the wrong example. He doesn't care that he is hurting me and my boys.

I am white, SM is not. It doesn't matter what race she is. Her culture and beliefs are not want I want for my children. Life is hard enough without having to confuse my babies with something I don't believe in. My children are exposed to this and I don't know how to handle it.

Disneyfan's picture

What has she done to harm your kids?

Your ex shouldn't give a damn about hurting you. Marrying someone who isn't white isn't hurting your kids.

HappyCow's picture

When you do go to court what are you going to do if the judge is an African American/Asian/Middle Eastern etc. man or woman? And they take offense to your views? Unless your children are being neglected you are in for a long road of hurt and heart ache.

I agree with the other posters on this board that what goes on in their father's house is none of your business. Just like what goes on in your house is none of BM's business.

As white middle class women I am ashamed at your views. You have no idea the influence you have on your children. No one is born a racist you are taught it. In the world today it is not realistic to think your children will never be influenced by different cultures and races.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

I absolutely encourage you to go to court and tell the judge what a flaming, bigoted racist you are and how you want to raise your children the same way. Hopefully they will end up in the custody of their father where they will shake off whatever nasty views they have picked up from you. Damn right you're an unsuitable mother.

HappyCow's picture

Notice how she hasn't answered "what has she done to hurt your kids??"

queenofthedamned's picture

Repeat after me: You have no control over what goes on at his house (barring abuse). He could have married the flying purple people eater, or even - gasp - a man, and you would still have no say. Get over it before your kids grow up and resent the hell out of you for poisoning their minds against their dad and SM.

You should be thankful that your children have the opportunity to grow up experiencing a different culture and becoming open minded - something which you seem to be sorely lacking.

Maybe the BM says things about you because you're close minded and racist. Maybe SHE doesn't want her kids exposed to such ridiculousness.

overworkedmom's picture

Crew?

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

I don't get why everyone is trying to reason with a racist. Racists have no ability to reason . So Lets ignore the kkk wannabe. There's no room for that on Stalk.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

.

Generic's picture

My point is that she's not making BMs, who are already pretty universally hated here, look any better.

Disneyfan's picture

OP, what are you going to do if your kids end up with a teacher who isn't white? Or if they ending sitting next to a black kid in class? :jawdrop:

just.his.wife's picture

BM?
Is that you???
If so get the number of kids and their ages right at least!

Just in case you aren't the BM in my life, trolling the forum through whatever means of internet you have managed to find in federal prison:

You get no say in what happens in your ex husbands house.
You get no say in who he loves.
You get no say in who he marries.
You get no say in how he spends his time with his children.
you get no say in who he allows children to interact with.

Are you starting to get it yet?
You get a say in YOUR house.
That is HIS house.
His house, his rules, his life.
Your house, your rules, your life.

Notice those last two lines do NOT intersect. There is no crossing.
I am going to make the suggestion that you reach down, grab ahold of those big girl panties of yours, haul them up, tie a knot in the waist band and move on in life.

YOUR job is to raise two healthy, well adjusted, productive members of society.
Your job is not to judge, remember judge not least you be judged yourself...

Seems you are judging the SM in your life, and Karma is paying you back by the BM in your life returning the favor unto you.

Yosemite's picture

You better go see a dr. for some Prozac to help you relax cause there isn't anything else you can do about either of these situations.
It's sad that you feel this way about race but in the end you are the one who is going to suffer for it. You don't get to pick your ex's new wife. If you kids aren't exposed to another culture at their dad's house they will be at school or activites. What are you going to do, lock them up?
Eventually they will see how silly and outdated your views are and then they will lose respect for you.
If you actually brought this stupid B.S. to a judge the best case scenario would be getting laughed out of the court room.
As for the BM of your step kids, she can say whatever she likes and you can't stop her. Quit worrying about her and let your ex deal with her.

Shaman29's picture

You don't approve of the SM's race?

Seriously?

Since name calling is prohibited on this site, I'll refrain from directly calling you certain names.

However.....if a stranger on the street came up and said this to me, I would call them a racist piece of shit and tell them to go directly to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Tout de suite.

AriesBMandSM's picture

I am bashed for wanting to protect my children. Does a BM have no right to protect her children from unwanted influences? Yes, this is a Step parent forum where everything is revolving around the SM.

It is a waste of time being here where side of SM is always taken!

Disneyfan's picture

I tend to relate more to the BM's point of view here than I do to the SM's. (I'm both a SM and BM).
There are plenty of BMs posting here. There's even a group of SMs who have to deal with high conflict SMs.
So please, don't play you all are bashing me because I'm a mom card.

There are women (and men) here of all races.

What are you protecting your kids from? What has SM done to hurt them?

Generic's picture

You're not being bashed for wanting to protect your children because you haven't given us your reason that your children are in danger in the first place. What is your concern regarding the woman, besides skin color because that's just ridiculous.

DarkStar's picture

So "unwanted influences" include......let's see....violent TV shows/movies/video games, unrestricted internet access/social media, annnnnd......people of another race?

Do you HEAR yourself Aries???? You sound like a redneck racist. I don't care if you are BM, SM, or something in between. RACISM knows no parental status.

I sincerely hope for your sake and your children's that you get yourself into counseling to see where these racist thoughts of yours come from and maybe change your way of thinking.

ALL races have their stereotypes....and yes, there's a reason that they are stereotypes, they didn't just come out of thin air! But, to assume that all people ARE their stereotype is pretty ignorant.

Did you really think you could spout racist dialogue and receive support????? :?

Generic's picture

Geesh, please find another username, come back and post this question but leave out the race part. Find a different reason for her "unwanted influence". Something more palatable. The race thing just wipes out all the other issues in your post.

Disneyfan's picture

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

If she does that, people will give advice based on lies. The one true issue is the woman's race. No need to pretend other wise.

Generic's picture

I just can't believe that this poster is even thinking about race. Maybe I'm naive but I thought that mindset had been done away with. I'm just appalled and like to think it's some other characteristic that she's confusing with race. I'm just flabbergasted really and was hoping there was something else there.

stormabruin's picture

It seemed VERY clear, to me, that race is the issue.

"I don't believe in mixed marriages."
"My exH married a woman of a different race and I don't want my children around her."
We have shared custody and exH thinks its ok to expose the boys to this".
I don't approve and don't want this influence on my children."
"It is not okay with me."
"It is wrong."

simifan's picture

On the off chance this is legit.... Yes, please take it to court. When you lose custody of those kids to your Ex they might have a fighting chance.

BSgoinon's picture

>>> I don't believe in mixed marriages. <<< You lost me at this...

You are obviously too ignorant to understand much in life, so I will not waste my time in an attempt to give you any sort of advice other than this... Please for the sake of all that is Good and Holy, pull your head out.

Generic's picture

She won't tell us. It's obvious that it's just the color of this person that bothers her. I get it though. Sometimes I have to leave a store when too many people have blue eyes. And don't even get me started on how I feel about people who have freckles. Will not let them near my children ever. Despicable.

BSgoinon's picture

Crap, well... I have freckles, so take me off your babysitting list. My bad. I totally should have thought about that before I put those pesky misbehaving freckles on my face. I am a bad baadddd person!

Shaman29's picture

Wait?!? There's a Ginger on this board??

Holy crap....I'm out!

Bwwwwwahahahahahahahahahaha.