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Newbee ...the best laid plans.....

apd's picture

Well I'm sorry to say that I am here on Friday night at 9:52PM typing my very sad story because the f#$%$%$$ BM pulled her shit again! It's just unbelievable, and the worst thing is that I just knew it was freakin' gonna happen this way. So I get myself all set and ready to go tonight worry whether or not that the kids will have eaten before they get dropped off before the parade and the haunted house, because I know it will be later before they would get a chance to eat....well BF was right I didn't need to worry so much because BM didn't answer her phone for a half hour before she was supposed to drop them off or show up when she was supposed to0.... See BM won't leave them with me alone at all and BF was out until the time they were to meet which was right around 6PM, so anyway she doesn't answer the phone until 6:30PM (Parade is 7PM) these guys have no concept whatsoever. Anyway BF gets mad and is like what the heck bring the kids asap, she pulls in behind him and long story short starts to give him shit and then instead of BF taking the high road he gets mad and yells back. Well thats all she needed was that one little thing, turns right around gets in the car and drives away kids and all...............just a freakin' game (sorry about the language folks but I'm so mad I could spit). I was like what the hell is going on and BF explains and then I said well why didn't you take the kids and he was like well she drove away with them!!! I was so mad I can't even tell you but knew I wouldn't get anywhere freaking out on him, I just said you know what, you know who suffers is your children. I can't even imagine those poor babies sitting in the car already to go and then they get whisked away. Of course right off to her boyfriends house and then I'm sure they went to the parade and the haunted house and then of course she gets them on trick or treat night too! AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH....
You know and I can't say I'm only mad at her because I think that BF doesn't take enough of a stand with her at all. I know its tough and he doesn't want to battle and doesn't have the money to go to court not that it would help at all but for christ sakes. So he's taking the adult road and has headed out to a bar to get drunk! (He also got some bad news this week too, long story) I can understand because right now I could do a few shots myself, but I won't because I know that I would make some calls or do something stupid I would regret later. Instead I went to the parade and met BF sister and her daughter and friend, we watched the parade and went and had something to eat. (Those guys are awesome and we get along really good which is nice, BM burned them pretty bad before, during and after the divorce, so they are cautious but are great.) Now I'm here writing to you getting this off my chest, which is really great for me, so if I haven't thanked you guys enough THANK YOU for being here.
I know this is a book and I apologize but you have to know that this is new to me and its just so sad all the way around, because we all suffer. I've watched my women friends go through divorce and deal with Ex-husbands and their girlfriends, and them being the BM and so I have no one to really talk to about this in that sense since I'm the girlfriend and not the BM! Boy this sounds really bad all the way around. I just know that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel right....please it can't always be this bad??? I really don't want to play these games, I don't want to be controlled by this situation ~ don't get me wrong I knew what I was getting into and thought that it would be for a short time or that at least it wouldn't be as frequent but I think this shit is here to stay! God help me..... well I'll stop for now, not sure whether I'll go have a good cry or eat some ice cream or both! ..............No she's not going to get to me that way I can't let her right!

Comments

Anne 8102's picture

Well, let me rephrase that... the potential for it being this bad will likely always be there. I read your post and it could be a chapter taken from my book. I've been in this situation for five long years and it has never gotten any better. At times it has gotten much worse. Don't get me wrong, there have been some visits that have gone well, but not usually. The kids are often used as weapons, which is unfair. The ex doesn't seem to mind that she is hurting them, as long as she gets to hurt us, too. I used to get all excited making elaborate plans for their time with us, then had to deal with the last-minute cancellations, hurt feelings and anger. I'm at the point now where I make plans for MY FAMILY - my husband, our children and me. If they show up, great. If not, we enjoy the occasion without them. It's still hard for my husband when these things happen, but I try not to let it adversely affect our kids or myself as much as I used to. One thing I know... the happier we are in our life together, the harder she tries to destroy that happiness. I don't think that will ever change in my case.

~ Anne ~

Candice's picture

I have so been in your shoes...that I thought I was reading my past.

Long story short, if dad wants to see his kids, and have his time with his kids...he needs to hire an attorney and spend the money for a parenting plan that takes bm's ability to withhold his kids from him. Bottom line, he must pay to establish his parental rights...b/c she is just to evil to give her children a good relationship with their father.

In our situation, bm was psycho, and brainwashed ss into believing that he shouldn't be over here..blah..blah..blah. Meanwhile, the only stable home ss had was our home.

My advice for you is...understand that your bf has a problem, and his problem is that he hasn't established his parental rights with his children. He really needs to do that, not just for himself, but for his kids, and his future with you. My dh didn't want to do it, didn't want to spend the money either, but he knew if he wanted a future with me, he had to do it...I wasn't going to be married to someone that had to kiss another woman's ass to see his child. It isn't easy, or cheap, but, she won't be able to fu@k with his time/relationship with his kids by withholding them (she will find ways to sabotage your relationship, but at least she will have to send them over).

Lastly, there are times when bm's do grow up, so there is potential for your future to have the light at the end of the tunnel. If the bm in your situation found a man that she really valued and loved for herself, then she wouldn't waste her time punishing your bf. So when that happens, things might change for you..

apd's picture

APD
The funny thing is that BM has a guy and one that she's been with for awhile. That is what kills me. She saw him before then broke up with him and then went back with him, and the guy really likes her and I don't know what her deal is because who could trust anything she says or does. She's a liar and a control freak. I know I want BF to understand that its important for his kids to have a schedule with them. Just imagine what she is telling them??? That's what kills me because I mean what the hell was her reasoning why she didn't let them get out and be with there dad? She must have totally lied, because he was standing right there and I was in the house. Oh I just get so mad and sad at the same time.
I have to say that last night though he did call me after he went out and apologized and then asked me to meet him out because he didn't want to be out without me. That's big progress. I know that doesn't sound like much but there's much more to my story than could be possibly written here.
I hope she grows up and realizes that the guy she's with really cares for her (I know someone who knows him that said he really loves her and was devastated when they broke up the last time.) I can't imagine that he would put up with this shit though, I mean where is he when she's texting all night long and what the heck does she tell him when she pulls one of her stunts...oh ya big lies!!!
UGGGHHH!!

Anne 8102's picture

Isn't it amazing how many of us come down with this debilitating disease when faced with divorce and step issues?! ;°)

~ Anne ~

apd's picture

Hi, Thank you for your comment. (5) years, thats a long time God bless you for being here:-) Thank you. I do see so many things being on the outside that I just want to slap them both (lol) but I usually hold my tongue until I can't anymore. I have been asking bf every day if he's talked to the kids since the incident the other night and he says "no have you" like really wise (I know its because he's mad that he didn't see them that she won't let him talk to them,etc, etc...oh god I'm making excuses hah?) so finally last night I said "why do you ask me, the bm wouldn't let me talk to them and besides I didn't think you'd want me to call them anyway" (not to piss off bm, you know keep the peace)? and he says "I don't care if you call them" ? I was like whoa now its okay to call them, I'm so confused! Anyway I went on to say that I was on his side and for him not to get mad at me, he just has such a hard time talking about it and of course I'm a nudge and won't let it go. My parents divorced and played some pretty good head games and I absolutely hurt for those kids because I know that the bm is lieing to them and then they are not getting their dad's side of the story so to speak! ....okay why are we doing this again???? ..........right because we love them ...got it... Smile
Here's the funny thing that the bm boyfriend lives a few blocks away from bf and last night after trick or treat on my way to bf I went by the house and sure enough bm was there with the kids and the boyfriend like one big happy family, so you know damn well she had them trick or treating in the damn neighborhood!! Uggghhh! I guess I can only hope they had a great time and that they got a lot of candy.
Do you have contact with the bm? At first I thought about emailing but realized that would never reach the kids, and then I thought about calling to see if I could speak with the kids but the thoughts of having her either be her bitchy self or being phoney nice don't appeal to me :-; Do you try and make contact? Some of the responses I've read have been 'let the bf deal with the bm and kids, etc' and its stuff like this that I don't feel I have a good understanding of where the line has to be drawn. I'm the type of person (agian from my childhood) that will do what I can to make the family come together. The kids are only 5 & 7 so its not like they have their own phones or anything.
Thank you for being here and for your experience!

Nise's picture

My advice would be to stay out of it and wait until your BF decides to contact BM or BM gets over her self and contacts him. You contacting her will definitely make things worse not better!

Make a GREAT Day!