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Should we tell BM what SS wants for his birthday (and remind her of when his birthday is)??

Anywho78's picture

Am I way off base here?

SS8 is turning 9 on the 27th. His BM (Nasty) only calls them about once every 6 weeks or so (if he & SD7 are lucky!). Her last phone call was on September 1st (a week & a half after school started) for her 7 minute phone call (that’s both Skids combined)…so technically, she’s not due to call again until mid-October.

Last year, I had SO text BM Nasty the gifts that the Skids wanted for their birthdays…this year, I compiled a note with loads of links of the toys (Atlantis Lego sets) that she could pick & choose from.

SO is fighting me on sending the email (it would be from him) but I think that reminding BM about his birthday & him getting a gift from her would be good versus “my mom forgot my birthday” feelings that are going to crop up. Plus, she doesn’t know the Skids (only sees them for less than a week per year) so she has no idea about what they like.

Am I wrong to want SS to feel like his mom actually cares?

Opinions please?


Oi Vey's picture

I'm with you. I've done what I can to encourage "good" feelings toward the loser POS, NCP parent. Wink

At least you've given her the info. It's her choice what to do from there. If you wanted to buy gifts and put her name on them, I'd probably say that wasn't a great idea...

Anywho78's picture

Yeah...that whole buying the presents & sticking her name on it was done for SD for her birthday & both Skids for Christmas last SO knows I will NEVER AGAIN go for that one!

I'm not sure why he's objecting so much though...normally he's all for promoting any contact between the Skids & their BM but he seems to have lost all concern over the issue.

Not sure what to think...

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I think this is very kind of you. Not sure why your DH objects, maybe he wants less and less contact with BM? Good for you, though.

Anywho78's picture

Thank you SFF. SO seems to have finally come to the realization that BM Nasty SUCKS...he has been disgusted with her over her lack of interest in the Skids since Christmas of last year (even though it has been going on for EVER)...he acts like he doesn't care if she EVER calls them again. It's almost as though he's hoping that she can be erased one talks about her anymore (SKid wise), she hardly ever calls...she sent a couple of stupid back to school t-shirts (SD was NOT impressed). It's just weird.

I think it's important that the Skids THINK she at least cares enough to send stuff.

giveitago's picture

I would let it drop, go ahead and forge your maternal bonds with the kids and become part of their lives that they will appreciate when they get older. At least you are not enduring parent alienation from BM, like so many of us are getting. I believe your heart is in the right place, I would let it go though. I'd say that DH knows a lot more of her history than you do and I'd trust his intuition.

ESMe's picture

I raised my BD alone, her father didn't even acknowledge her till she was six and a half. I let her sent him father day cards, I saved him pictures of her in a shoebox for when he would 'wake' up....etc. He is still a POS(peice of s***) I never gave her gifts with his name on them, I never spoke ill of him either. He still had very little to do with her after he met her. He doesn't know her, and that is his fault.
What I did do, is support her, and attempted to explain to her at age appropriate stuff, that her father was like a lost puppy and confused and not knowing where to go or what to do; and that is why she didn't hear from him. I told her it wasn't right, but that if he was in his right mind, she would hear from him. That kind of stuff is what i did.
I agree with iwlass, the end result down the road with be their heartbreak. Just love them, love them, love them. Smile That's my two cents Smile

briarmommy's picture

This is hard, you want them to think there mother is not a complete piece of crap but on the other hand is prolonging that realization for them just letting them fall from a bigger cliff. They are going to realize there bm is not there for them birthday presents or no birthday presents maybe if it starts to happen now it won't be as hard on them as when they are older and have this built up picture in there head and realize it.

cmulder's picture

I think reality is important. Encourage the positive and all the love he gets from you and dad. The pain of reality is sad but its important that he find a way to deal with it at a young age or it will continue to be an issue for years and years. Many will start using drugs or alchohol to numb the pain of things like this (Missing in action BM) If its dealt with now, not later, the chance of him finding a healthy way to deal with it is better. He may need some counseling regarding BM. I would start it young...I am married to someone who felt abandoned by his mother and he is still dealing with the pain in unhealthy ways. I wouldn't focus on the negative, only the positive.