My situation is a bit 'unique'.

Long story short, I've been in a blended family for about 3 years. I brought 3 kids into the equation and he came with 2. We both have our kids full time, minus every second weekend when they are with their other parent. My fiancé and I fell in love, so we decided to move us all in together. We uprooted our kids and moved out of the city into a house together. They all went to a new school, in a new place away from our families. That was a huge mistake, one I didn't know I was making until after I made it.

Fast forward to now, my fiancé and I are still in love but our relationship has really suffered. A lot of arguing and resentment ensued, our kids would hear the arguing, it made the house tense. When we're good, we all felt like a family. But the line was drawn and it felt like everything came to a head.

Before I go on, I want to 'introduce' my fiancé.
He works hard. He is smart. He's funny, lighthearted and thoughtful. He is romantic and generous. He plans things to be spontaneous. He is passionate. We share many of the same interests, we like listening to music together and cooking together. He's supportive of the things I do and encourages me to do them. He enjoys spending time with me. He was there through the hardest times in my life. He runs his fingers up and down my skin whenever we're close. He genuinely loves me. But it's not always so good. 

At the beginning of March I finally reached out to my sister. My Mom passed away 6 years ago and My Dad passed away last year, they were the only people I would turn to if I needed to figure things out. My fiancé was the only other person I talked to but I couldn't talk to him, so I turned to my sister. I've been keeping the relationship talk to a minimum for years now because I know once you shed some light, the listener always advises against the relationship and it's hard to change opinions. I told her that I believed I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. That his hurtful words became my inner voice, but now I've finally reached the point that it no longer makes me cry, I just don't care enough to be sad about it anymore. I told her how divided this household felt - we bought separate groceries (our children don't like the same food), we made their meals separate even. They all ate together and got along pretty well, but it was so obviously divided. My sister told me I should leave and I said I didn't want to uproot my kids again. That they don't deserve to go through that again. I had to have a plan and I would figure things out over the month and leave around the beginning of April.

This is when I became deceitful and dishonest. It made me sick and kicked my anxiety up several notches. I've always taken pride in being honest and loyal, so doing this was so out of character for me, but it felt like the only way out. I anticipated an ugly breakup. If I told him my plan to leave, from that point until I actually did leave, it would be arguing, him being mad when my young kids are noisy, that they would ask him for a drink or something normal and he would say no or tell them to ask me or whatever. We would sleep apart, there would be more alienation. I didn't want to live like that with kids involved, so I thought doing it without him knowing until it happened would be best. 

I began going through our things. Financially, everything was split down the middle with no shared expenses except rent and utility bills. Separating our Christmas decorations, the kids' schoolwork, making lists of things we bought together so I could divvy them up fairly wasn't easy. I cried many tears. When he would call on his break at work and ask what I've been up to, I'd give him half truths. Yes I was donating some Christmas decorations, but I was doing it so I could also keep his things separate. I hated being that person.

I originally planned to move near my family, that I would have my support system close again and everything would be okay again.

Half way through March, I decided I was going to stay. I would try a little harder, nit-pick less, somehow correct all the things I do that push his buttons. I thought maybe we could get to the root of our animosity and be able to fix things once and for all. Somehow it was working, I felt close to him again, I put in more effort and we felt like us. I was relieved he didn't know about my planning and I could tell him about it down the road when it's not so fresh.

After a couple days of 'us', we got into an argument. He was rearranging his son's room and thought he saw mould. He filled the mop bucket with water and was going to put dish soap in it and I said "don't use the mop bucket, there's a bucket under the sink" He immediately assumed I was saying that because I bought the mop bucket and flipped out. He said he can't wait to live alone, that he hates me, that I'm selfish, that I'm a broke bitch who would be nothing without him, that I should move back to the part of the city I grew up in, that I stick out like a sore thumb and he took his car key back so I can't use his things (because he still thought it was because the mop pail was 'mine'). He said he's fucking leaving. I followed him into the driveway saying to come back in but he got in the car and locked the door. I pulled the lock a few times thinking it would get him to unlock it, but it made him more mad and he just got out and went back inside. He argued more and said more and eventually left to go to the store before getting the kids from school. When he got back, he carried in cutlery, plates, bowls, cloths and some groceries. He said he bought things so he would have them for when he lives alone. 

After this whole thing took place, I decided to follow through with my plan and I should just leave, there's no saving us.

I had to weigh my options, the very few options I had.

1) Move closer to my siblings. See them more. Uproot my kids again. Start over again. New school again.  Move to a completely new area again. I hated that option.

2) Stay in the relationship for the sake of it being easier than trying to figure out an alternate plan. Things would keep getting worse.

3) Stay in the area so my kids don't have to be in a new school in the middle of the school year again. It feels more comfortable and safer than in my old area. My kids have friends. They love their teachers. They are doing really well in school.

The only person I know who lives near the kids school is their dad. So I asked him if we could stay with him for a little while so I could find my own place in the area.

I arranged for some help to move last Monday while he was at work and all of our kids were with their other parent. I had 8 hours to pack up my things and get everything out and into a storage unit. We (my brothers and nephews) managed to do it and right before he got home from work, I sent him a message telling him I was sorry and I loved him and I felt like I just had to do this because it was what we both wanted. 

I cried on and off the entire time I packed and moved. The decision felt even harder to follow through with that particular Monday because he was so nice and so thoughtful and being the version of himself that gets along so well with me. 

After a couple days, last Wednesday, he sent me a message saying our 3 years together wasn't nothing, that he still loves me and knows why I had to do it the way I did, but still wishes I had just talked to him about it. I went to see him for 2 hours on Friday and we had the conversation we should've had before any of this happened. We've been talking everyday since then. We both agreed we should've taken things slower. We should've dated and introduced our kids slowly and not dive into living together. I barely knew his kids until we lived together. We had no idea what was in store and no one to tell us how to handle things when they came up.

Some examples of things we could never see eye to eye on were: he would buy his kids toys/games/things just because, but I couldn't afford to do the same thing so I asked if we could not do that because it wasn't fair. He resented that.
When I wanted to do something one on one with my daughter like paint nails or do something with just her, it seemed to be a problem because I was excluding his daughter. I wanted one on one time without the guilt. I resented that.
He wanted to give the kids allowance without ever lifting a finger and that just didn't make sense to me. What does that teach them? When I was younger, I didn't get an allowance because my parents couldn't afford to. He on the other hand, had a different upbringing. He resented that.
We parent differently. Those are just a few things. The common denominator was that living under the same roof and not handling situations like that better, was the beginning of the end.

I was naive to think everything would run smoothly and just fit. They did not.  We were both used to being the captains of our own ships and it was so hard to find middle ground. We kept trying to sacrifice our own wants and needs so we wouldn't rock the boat, but that lead to ugly fights and feeling like we're suffocating each other.  We became unhappy and that's why it got to this point. 

Now that we've talked more, we are on the same page again. We agreed that since loving each other was never our problem, but raising our kids together was, we should try things differently. Why not be together still, but live apart? This was an idea we casually talked about before when it all seemed to be too much, but instead stuck it out for another year.  I love him, I've never loved anyone like I love him. I've never been closer, never had anyone know me or love me the way I needed until I met him. He is my other half.

Of course I want to stay together. 

But now the biggest problem is that I am currently sleeping on the couch of my kids' Dad. I know this detail would change everything because if he went to stay with his ex, I would feel devastated and would think the worst thing. I've already caused him pain by leaving like I did. And I'm so afraid of the outcome when I tell him. I know I will tell him, I cannot withhold that for the rest of my life. But I feel like the right time to tell him would've been Friday but I was afraid of his reaction. We were working through things, I didn't want to add to it. I feel like my whole world is crumbling. I hate not being honest. I should've told him on Friday, why didn't I just tell him?

Today I found a place I think I can afford.  If I get approved, I could move as early as April 15. But that's in 2 weeks from now and staying here is already eating away at me. Just to be clear, I have 0 feelings for their Dad, he feels like a stranger to me because we only ever talked when we exchanged the kids and that's that. I also didn't fill him in on details about my fiancé and our relationship, so I don't want anyone to think I've been confiding in him in any way.

I don't want to lie to my fiancé. I honestly believed we wouldn't have spoken again because I didn't think I meant enough to him. I thought "over" really meant over. So deciding to ask to stay here wasn't supposed to feel like I was doing something shady. But now it does. Staying here was strictly so the kids didn't have to transfer schools in the middle of the school year.

Someone please comment something. How do I tell him? Do I ask if I could go stay with my brother? Is it even a good idea to stay in a relationship with fiancé? My head is spinning and being stuck indoors leaves me too much time to think.