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What are the disadvantages of disengagement?

Anon2009's picture

Do you feel that by disengaging from skids, you're sending them the message that they won?

Do you feel that you're sending BM the message that she's winning?

I had to go the disengagement route at one point because I had exhausted all other avenues available and I needed to save my sanity. I know a lot of you have done/are doing it but I know that there are some of you who don't think it's the right thing to do.

Comments

Pantera's picture

No, I don't think Im sending anyone a message that they won. Now that I've completely stepped back, DH sees what SS9 does to me and SS9 gets disciplined for it. There is no more "poor SS9" because I don't deal with him means I can't be the "evil stepmom" to him like he makes me out to be. So I feel that I actually won. Im not stressed and DH is no longer taking sides.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

sadstep's picture

I am so glad to see that someone else has had to do this in order to ensure that SO BLIND dh sees what is going on. I am currently in process of doing this. I hope it continues to go well and no he hasn't "won." Who is counting anyway. I've had friends say that to me if you back out the child has won. Well, I say I hope the demon ss11 does win. I want him to win. I just will not place my self in the fire line. Let them handle their own relationship. I feel as if dh drags me in all the time anyway. I guess I need to write on my own blog....!!! Smile

Anon2009's picture

I know that you really love and care about those kids. They are lucky to have you as a SM. I really commend you for that. I had a hard time disengaging, because who wants to see any kid become a screwed-up member of society? As a caring human I want to do all I can to help any child whom I know to grow up well.

soverysad's picture

delete

Kb3Hooah's picture

I never viewed it as them winning, I viewed it as ME winning. As long as I kept the bitterness, the anger, the sadness, the hurt, the frustration, every kind of negative emotion you could feel inside because of the behavior of the skids or BM and me involving myself in that mess, then THEY were winning. Disengaging is a silent victory of my own.

Now in situations where I have Biokids AND skids, disengaging causes me some resentment because I will never disengage from parenting my own children, so sometimes my biokids get to witness being disciplined while the skids aren't.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

Amazed's picture

Not at all. Exact opposite actually. I feel by closing my heart to SD's actions I can further open my mind to thinking logically about my situation with her instead of letting myself be clouded by emotional responses. I feel if I'm able to do this then I've won. TheFrizz will never win anything anymore...she lost a good man when my husband left her so her game is OVER as far as I'm concerned.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Sara_Smile22's picture

If you can disengage then I would highly recommend it. I don't think it's a bad idea, I think it's sometimes an impossible thing to do...mostly if you are custodial and especially if you are the main parent...as in your DH travels for work or if you are a stay home mom. The proportion of time you physically spend 100% responsible is undeniably a factor...in both situations for me. In fact...I think disengagement should be the rule for steps from day one...it's when one or the other or both of the bioparents want to offload their responsibilities that it is even necessary for the step to pick them up IMO. Sure there are times when all can co-parent in harmony...but even then the step should not be in a position of disciplinarian or alone in the the 'bad cop' role...as we so frequently are. JMHO...

Shaman29's picture

There are no disadvantages for me. The only regrets (and my most hurtful lessons) are when I start to trust my little step-demon (sd14) and start to engage with her again. Then SLAM, BIFF, WHACK......I get my teeth kicked in once again.

Disengaging helps me get DH through the rough times without me getting hurt or emotional from step-demon's actions. At least that's the plan. I blew it at Christmas (see my blog about me being a fool), but I won't blow it again in this arena. Lesson learned on 12/23......do not trust step-demon, stay disengaged and keep her at an arms length.

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

kidsaplenty's picture

No I don't feel like it is telling them they won because I'm not in a contest or game with them to start with. It is you saying I am not in this 'game' at all. It is recognizing for yourself that if you allowed yourself to be pulled in as a player in the game that was the wrong choice and being a smarter stronger woman to remedy that. I think it depends on the spouse in the situation but I think disengagement can sometimes feel like you are not supporting your spouse enough with certain problems because you have left it to them to deal with. Yet I think in the end in many situations it is for the best.