Maybe its not the rules themselves, maybe it is the way you say it. I noticed that I am a little harsher with kids that are not mine. I am more willing to compromise with my own kids. Sometimes its not what you say but how you say it. I've had to do this myself

this is just not right.

Here's my suggested list of rules:

1) You are a good person and you do not need to seek validation of your rules, even in StepTalk. But I understand feedback always helps.

2) it is perfectly reasonable for your skids to clean up after themselves, you are not a hard-ass.

3) If DH would do his job you wouldn't need all of 'your' rules.

4) Do not ever fall for lines like you are making skids feel unwelcome because of your rules, or even worse, 'you are coming between me and my kids.' these are highly manipulative ways for DH's to get out of parenting. My ex told me I came between him and his kids because I didn't want to be their maid or live in absolute filth.

I feel for you.

Your rules are not too demanding. You are not ogre.
It might also be true though that the kids do not feel it is their home anymore.
It might also be true that your husband doesn't feel it is a welcoming home for the skids.

I think you should respond to him expressing how you interpret his words and show that you really do listen and you do care instead of getting defensive first. Try "mirroring" him. Then have him do the same for you. When you express your concerns he has to listen too and NOT attack.

It would make both of you feel better to just know you're being listened to and not talking to a brick wall because if you feel like you're talking to a brick wall then that ultimately means nothing will change and there's no hope.

I'm only saying this because the impression I get is that there's a lot of negativity going on. I could be off base and I won't be mad if you let me know this isn't something to worry about:

There's nothing wrong with enforcing rules or teaching good habits but if the only time you ever speak to the kids is to correct them, nag them, or make snide remarks then that's going to create a lot of tension and hostility. You need to try to balance it out with at least some positive or even neutral interactions. Otherwise if they feel attacked they may revolt by purposely doing things to annoy you and suddenly you have a contest of who can be meaner to who going on and that's not good for anybody.

Didn't you get the memo? It is a travesty to ask a skid to clean up after him or herself. These kids are special cases and all of us ordinary humans exist to wait on them hand and foot throughout their lives because, after all, their parents are divorced.

Anne, boy does all of that ring a bell with me.

I went through the same exact things with SS13. BM and DH had never expected or required that SS did any chores around the house and when I moved in and it was a
mess.

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Now, FDH knows I get mad behind the scenes and he says my body stiffens when I run into a mess. I usually just look at him and leave the room. He feels everyone can sense that I am being rigid and that makes people unconfortable.

He started saying "well,they know this started when we moved in together".

I have come to the conclusion that FDH thinks kids should be coddled, and not asked to do anything. BM feels the same way.

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^^^ All of THESE, I went through.

It finally got spewed out from BM and SS, then DH that SS did not feel at home there anymore because of my rules.

Funny thing was that SS still hadn't done any chores yet...

What, may I ask, is medical waste? Sounds way too nasty to be leaving on the kitchen counter!

I like a clean house, not only for myself but I always wanted to provide a clean environment for SD. So, if she felt like it wasn't her home when she was there, because it was clean and we made her clean up after herself, too bad.

She is now 21 and we have visited her in 3 different places where her & her husband have lived. All filthy. They are PIGS. So, yeah, she probably felt uncomfortable at our house, probably still does when she visits. Not my problem.

All of your "rules" are common courtesy things that should should be common sense. Let somebody play the piano at 3 AM at my house. Things would really get uncomfortable. Painful, even. }:)

Have you tried what other SMs do? Stop being the housekeeper and don't clean anything until they start cleaning
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I would NOT be able to do this.

AB..your rules are right on the money. Let me tell you what DH and I did. I had basically the same rules. BUUUT…If skid did not follow them, then DH had to go behind skid and clean plates, clean table, tell skid to use coaster.
Example…if skid was not using a coaster, I would go tell DH (very nicely) that skid is not using a coaster. And he would either go make skid get a coaster or make him put up his drink. Same with my kids…if my son left dirty dishes in the sink…DH would come tell me that my DS left dishes in sink…then I would go make DS clean up his mess. Neither kid was being told what to do by the Sparent.

It may not work for some…and your DH MUST be on board with it. But it worked really well for my family.

The thing is these men feel that the SKIDS are on a VACATION when they are visiting. SO as such, GUESTS shouldn't be expected to clean up after themselves. Yet, they insist they are treated as FAMILY and NOT GUESTS.
Catch 22.
SD12 asked me a few days ago, "Do I need to wash this cup?" I said "ABSOLUTELY!" She huffed, puffed and sighed, but she washed it.
If it's YOURS you wash it, that's just the way it is.

OK, I've been slammed for my stance on things before but I'll say it again.

Who cares if they don't feel like it's their house? It's NOT!!!

YOUR house, YOUR rules. They are visitors.

sd didn't feel at home here because of my simple rules, either. i agree with the poster who said, who cares, it's NOT their home! she also felt "hated" and "unwanted" because of my rules, which were simple and few, and imo, should not have been considered rules at all, but common sense things you just do.

1. stay out of things that do not belong to you.
2. if you want to use something that belongs to someone else, ASK THE OWNER.
3. no eating in the living room. (because like a toddler, she left a huge mess every time).
4. clean up after yourself in the kitchen and bathroom.
5. do not leave your dirty clothes all over the house.
6. get your ass in bed by 10pm on school nights, not stay up all night then bitch that you are too tired to go to school in the morning.
7. here's the one that really pissed her off: you are expected to go to school ALL 5 days EVERY week. (i know, what a horrid witch i am!)

And let me just say, when I lived at home, with my mom and my dad, it was their house. Yes, I lived there but do you think I could do whatever the hell I wanted just so I would feel more comfortable, and feel like it was my house?

Your DH needs to step up.

I get the correlation of suddenly there are rules when Anne comes on the scene, of course the SKids are going to resent it and fight against it. It's the united front that really would solve a huge amount of the problems. It's natural that SKids are going to think (at least for a while) that Anne is making daddy do this too. I hope that once your DH starts stepping up that he maintains it...he will see a huge difference and hopefully he will want that easier life that comes as he steps further and further up to the plate.

Every single thing you describe happened to me. Slobby BM, lazy teens/preteens, SO disinclined to make an issue out of it and perfectly willing to do everything for them and make me do it too. It was just a horrendous impasse. It seemed like either I had to feel uncomfortable and like it wasn't my home, or they did. Or either I had to accept a dirty messy home, or I had to do the work to correct it because apparently I was the only one who was bothered. My desire for a calm tidy house became a huge political issue; I used to tidy up after they had all gone home on Sunday, which on one occasion prompted H to say that it was like I was trying to erase them from the house. He was shockingly defensive about it, as so many Dad's are when they misinterpret their partners desire to have some of their own rules and standards hold sway in their home, as some sort of rejection of, or attack on, their children.

I tried to compromise, because I didn't want them to feel out of place at our house and really wanted to create a happy household. I could see the contrast with BM's house was quite extreme, and I recognised that my having no experience of children around the house probably made me over sensitive. I relaxed about some things and for the rest, I told H if he didn't want them to do anything, then it was his responsibility to pick up the slack, because it was not right to expect me to live in an environment which made me feel uncomfortable. But to some degree we never got over it. I thought we had for a few years after we had counselling, when we moved house and our counsellor motivated H to give the children chores and stop treating them like guests. But as soon as the youngest turned 13 the whole thing became a huge bone of contention again, because once again we had a sullen teenager who resented helping at our house when he was allowed to fester in chaos at his mothers and never lifted a finger to help. And my husband was STILL making me the bad guy by 'forgetting' the chores, or being half arsed about enforcing them.

Fundamentally if you've got a partner who is not all that tidy himself, and finds it very hard to follow through on boundaries with his non custodial children - on noise, mess, chores, diet, bedtimes, curfews etc etc etc, in my experience it's nigh on impossible to make that leopard change his spots. And it is impossible for the children not to be aware of those tensions in the background, and able to leap on them as a reason to reject the stepparent who they had no wish to have included in their lives anyway.