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Jealousy to the extreme

Annanymous's picture

SD13's jealousy of the 6-month-old baby and her jealousy of ME is unbelievable. I never recognized it for what it was in the past because I heard "jealous" and thought it was an ugly word and when people would say "SD13 is extremely jealous of you", I would say NO SHE'S NOT! Because I didn't want to believe something ugly and also because I thought there was nothing to be jealous about.

Well, it's just out of control and pathetic how jealous she is and how she acts. She has started playing sick now for attention in her jealous fits. She'll cry "Daaaaaaaaaadddyyyyy Im no feeeeeel goooodssss" and make him go to her rather than coming in the room because "me too sick to get up Daddyyyy". Was nothing wrong with her. An hour later, I took her aside and discussed it and she admitted faking and being jealous. At least she's recognizing it now and trying and I DO commend her for this; however, it's just annoying as fuck and we are both so sick of being around her (DH said "if I have to see her or hear that whining manipulative bullshit another minute I swear I'm going to tell her to shut the fuck up and get over her pity-party jealousy borderline BULLSHIT". He didn't of course, but dealing with a Reactive Attachment Suspected / Borderline Personality Disorder suspected kid is really difficult.

I literally can't spend even $17 on the baby without her having a pity party jealousy meltdown.

I had a headache and took a Tylenol. DH offered to rub my neck. I said nah, you're driving, I'll push on my temples and drink a soda and should get better soon.... 10 minutes later she's crying and whining "Daaaaadddyyy my heaaaad huuuuurts can you turn off the music in the caaar; are we getting MEEEEE pants and socks, if not can we just skip Walmart and go hooome aaaawwwwww I can't open my eyeeeeessss my head huuuuurts waaaaah". Guess who was perfectly fine when we got out of the car and went in walmart, who was bouncing around in her "look at me" dance she does in public.

She goes three or four days without bathing or brushing her teeth then wants to freaking hug me constantly. She trashes me to neighbors, destroys relationships I had with her bullshit made up pity-me crap, and I tell her not to lift the baby over her head straight up with his feet on her face and THE BITCH DOES THAT EVERY TIME SHE PICKS HIM UP. IF it were someone else, she wouldn't keep doing it and "Forgetting" EVER MOTHERFUCKING TIME.

Same with KISSING MY BABY IN THE FACE WITH HER HUGE HERPE-COLDSORE LIPS. IT'S OBVIOUS SHE'S TRYING TO INFECT HIM! I TELL HER EVERY.SINGLE.TIME SHE PICKS HIM UP TO FUCKING STOP KISSING HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE AND EVERY GD TIME SHE SAYS 'I FORGOT' AND 'I FORGET I JUST WANT TO KISS HIM SO BAD'. She's admitted having dreams about the baby in a spotlight and her being on the side watching a thermometer of love being taken from her and given to him and feelnig hateful.

I don't parent her any more at all. I don't want to. She will, however, do what I say about my son or she won't hold him.

SHe got her therapist to tell me she has to hold him "like a therapy dog"....fuck that. My son is a person, NOT a therapy dog for SD13 and her crazy bullshit.

Comments

Onefootout's picture

What the F? I'd keep that monster away from your baby. She should never hold him period. Yuck. She's a freaking sociopath.

katietome's picture

Hmmmm.... I had to go back and see how OLD your SD was before I could respond....and....I almost fell off my chair. She's 13?!?!?!

Let's first address the cold sore.

I'm going to be blunt to you and I would be blunt to anyone near my own babies. (so, please don't be offended) Plus, I'll also say that I get cold sores and canker sores myself, so this is also what I apply to myself.

If you currently have a sore (new, old, open, closed) you WILL 1) wash your hands before touching my baby and 2) will NOT so much as put your face anywhere NEAR the baby's face, hands, or feet. PERIOD.

This is NOT open for discussion. If you can not or will not comply, you will not touch my baby.

The baby is not a therapy aid. The baby is a human being and is MY responsibility.

Moving on.

Second is the jealousy.

Now, you DO realize that this happens in nuclear families too, right? It isn't as common for a daughter to be jealous of her mother, but it happens. This isn't that abnormal and your SD is NOT a sociopath. She's a little girl with maturity problems.

When I first read this I was thinking that this is an easy fix.... the kid must be 5-8 and this can be easily remedied.

Then I reread how old she is. Ouch. Not so easy. What does the therapist say?

If this was my DD or SD I would address this head on.... but, I really think the Dad needs to address this head on. This is NOT BM or your place to deal with it. It IS his, because the source of the problems comes to her relationship with him.

How? Let's give this behavior a name. We can use a code word, so this is a discussion to sit down and have with the therapist, Dad, and you (SM). Make sure you and Dad are on the same page BEFORE you bring this to the therapist. I'm thinking of calling it The Skunk. Make sure you distinguish the difference between The Child and The Behavior. The Child is immature and can be changed; The Behavior/ aka The Skunk stinks and needs to be taken out to the dumpster. Why do you give it a name? For several reasons: 1) jealous IS an ugly word, 2) it is a code word that can be used in public, 3) it's funny!

Every single time SD acts jealous ask her about a skunk. "SD, is there a skunk in the room?"

Ask her flat out: "Is there a Skunk in here?"

Something to note here, I would allow her to distance herself from The Skunk. The Skunk peeks its ugly head out when she is feeling bad, but not necessarily when she has control. The fact that she can be honest later and say that she's feeling jealous and was faking is a HUGE deal. Give her the ability to look in the mirror and say "That isn't me. I am NOT the Skunk. I can control my feelings and make sure there are No. More. Skunks." Actually...that isn't a bad idea. Boost her self esteem and TELL her those things. Give her the words to associate her feelings with the actions.

FInally, the one BIG HUGE thing I would do with this child is to ask her flat out:

Do you want to be a teenager/ pseudo-adult or do you want to be a 5 year old?

If she wants to ask like she's 5, then treat her like she's 5.
~ Early bedtime
~ You pick her clothing
~ No getting together with friends without an adult
~ ???

If she wants to be a teen, then act like it.

Put a name to the behavior. Give her a chance to prove to herself that she is more than a Skunk.

Also, remember to NOT have these conversations when she is feeling bad. Have the conversation on a positive and happy note.

"We don't like your behavior when you act like (insert the most recent issue). I think it's a Skunky behavior. I'm goign to call it The Skunk. When you start acting like this two things are going to happen: First I am going to tell you that there is a Skunk in the room and then second I'm going to ask you to take the Skunk out of the room. You, SD, are welcome to come back into the (room) as soon as the Skunk is lost."

HTH,
Kate

Annanymous's picture

Thanks Katie, it does help. I appreciate the helpful info. We are learning to try to see her seperate from her behavior, but it's really difficult. Not just for me, but for DH too. When she starts faking being sick and doing that borderline stuff it's just disgusting really and it makes anyone want to just get away from her BS (awww everyone abuuuusing meee no one lurvs meee waaaa **unfounded**). DH a couple of times was like "I just want to tell her to shut the fuck up I"m so sick of her shit" - HE DIDN"T HE JUST THOUGHT IT.

I am proud of her for responding now when I talk to her about it, but I found her sending out those three-page autobiographies to every person she meets of "my life history of abuse, neglect, unlove, rape, and I'm left to die in my room while people worship that baby"... it's really stupid and disgusting. SD13 sits next to DH on the couch while I sit in the chair so she won't tantrum...seriously. THe stuff she says is so fucked up and warped for pity that it's scary. She's mad that I won't let her babysit...alone... FFS SERIOUSLY.

I love your comment with your insights and advice. I am going to try to name it so we can separate it from her further. Right now, we call it "in an episode" or "having a snit" because you can tell really easy because she sticks her nose straight up in the air! She throws her head back no matter what she's doing, in the car, lying down, walking, to where her nose is pointed straight up! She starts making shitty little snarky comments and gets huffy and acts ugly too.

The positive is that when I gently say "SD13, you're acting ugly" she tends to pop out of it. Faking sick a lot however is scary. She's like Munchousen or something. This happens when any attention is on me AT ALL.

She even admitted she thought she was supposed to have half the baby from me doing feeding and bedtimes and same with Daddy; she and I have to share Daddy and the baby both equally. Creepy??? She's not the second wife/second mother.

she goes to therapy weekly. Right now, they listen to music and talk about her feelings all the time.

katietome's picture

You know, honestly, reading your response.... maybe it is time to take this a different step in addition to calling her out at the beginning of a snit. (BTW, I like "snit", just take care to remove any "you" word from the sentence. The point is to separate YOU from the behavior.)

When she starts with the "I'm sick" routine remove her from the common areas. When my kids are sick they get parked on one of two places: a) their bed or b) the sofa. In this case, your SD is "sick". Sick children go to bed and stay there until they are no longer sick.

So your response should be.... "Oh, I'm sorry that you aren't feeling well. Go lie down in bed and I'll tuck you into bed." Give her all of 2 minutes and tell her she may not come out of her room if she is sick. No attitude. No anger. No emotion at all. If dad is home this is HIS responsibility. If he isn't and you are dealing with the baby, then tell her you'll be into her room to tuck her in within a few minutes.

Give her the ability to determine that she feels better, even if that only takes a few minutes. when she comes out, because we both know she will, then ask her flat out: You weren't really feeling bad were you? Leave it at that. No emotion. No feeling.

I do have one question to ask... I didn't really focus on this before, but it serves to be addressed.

She IS getting time with Daddy and with you, right? I mean quality time? Do you do game nights once a week? Does she get GOOD time with the two of you together as well as apart?

I'm not criticizing you; I'm not there and don't see what you do and don't do. I'm just making sure that this point is made too.

Good luck,
Kate

Annanymous's picture

Thanks. She is getting a ton of attention from us individually and as a family together, now. We have all meals at the table; she sits with us for all DVR'ed shows (except Dexter/True Blood/GoT that we wait until later to watch now). We play family game times. She has "SD13 Day" once a month. She has time with just DH now.

This had not always been the case. It's not pleasant to admit, but we were "addicted" to online gaming and raiding in the MMORPG and we did that together a few nights a week. We always sent her off to play in her room while we played computer games in our room. This was how we were both raised; parents go to their room and watch TV and kids go to their room and watch TV/play. I used to do all the parenting chores (I saw it as chores and I did resent her because DH postponed TTC because of SD for 10 years until I was 36 and getting pissed); DH has now stepped up and is being her parent and I've stepped back and am just helping him out now instead of trying to parent her.

She did disclose allegation of molestation she says happened eight years ago by her BM's then boyfriend during the few times she did go to BM's for visitation (kindergarten and first grade was the only time she went overnight and then she always brought her home early or canceled). She has abandonment issues from BM too of course.

My SD13 has true problems. Issues that are real and do deserve sympathy and patience. We're trying super hard now and recognized our failings in the past by not being engaging with her (it wasn't neglectful, we did stuff with her and had family dinner every night and did homework with her, but I was the primary parent and DH worked nights and wasn't around when she was awake much so all his time was spent with me essentially and she was jealous and we didn't realize it).

We both recognize it's real and not just her being a bitch, but the behavior is so just... annoying that it's really hard for both of us to deal with the 'snits'.

Today, she got a snit because her sister's grandparents (older half sister was adopted by maternal grandparents aka bm's dad and sm) they said she couldn't visit. She of course started in the "going to cut myself cause no one lurvs me no one want me they adopted her and give her cruises and a bedroom full of clothes and don't even let me spendanight they buy her everything and only $100 for Christmas for meeeee waaaaaa". --- Yes, we can see there is disparity and it is a bit unfair, but she takes things to the extreme of finding ways to say don't love me abandon me sort of things, and then she exaggerates it and starts writing mininovels then copy pasting it to multiple friends about how whatever person it is (usually me) is meaan and abusive and how pitiful and sick she is.

We used to send her to her room when she faked sick (again you can tell when she's faking, it's super obvious), but then she feeds off that "seeee they don't lurve meeee they want to get rid of meeee waaaaah" gaaaaah cut myself cause of YOUUUUUU not lorve meeeee.

It's exhausting. Jealous we bought carseat and highchair and couple things be 200, but we've spent most my 'inheretance' on HER! Hair, eyebrows, all new makeup, carpet in her room, paint her walls, $125 in new fancy shoes, 3 new pants, 3 new shorts... and she's throwing her fit over going to Walmart and only getting a book and socks during the baby's shopping trip....

We do understand she's got emotional and mental issues and does have allegations of molestation (that she disclosed one week after she found out her friend was molested and a LOT of attention went to that friend...and she disclosed it by broadcasting to her friends "I was raped every night of my pitiful little life in elementary school and locked in a room and grounded for no reason all the rest of the time"... So we just dont' really know to what extent something happened. Now she is making allegations against the neighbor for "looking at her and wanting to touch her" and against the teacher for "verbal abuse" and me of course as a monster (yet those nights she said I was a monster and she told people she was in her room 'cutting' (scratching she never actually CUT)...she told people this, yet that exact time she was curled up with me on the couch snuggling laughing watching a movie!!!! THat was really fucked up when I saw that disgusting text about her being locked in her room cutting and crying and dying...when she was in the living room laughing that whole time.

It's exhausting with the manipulation and faking sick and just constant demand for ALL of everyone's attentino ALL the time and can't even say baby's cute without her shouting "Did IIIIIII laugh like that was IIIIIII that cute did people LURV MEEEEEEEEE MOREEEEEEE". ugh.

Psychiatrist thinks she has borderline personality and/or RAD-disinhibited. We find out the end of August. Her BM is like this too. Making up stuff like car wrecks that never happened to get attention and pity. It's really sad...and exhausting and sometimes infuriating. We're trying. I've completely backed off other than rules with my baby. Her Dad now makes ALL decisions pertaining to her.

katietome's picture

Ah, jeez. I'm sorry! Please don't think that at any time I was being critical. I try hard never to be online; because you can never know what another person is dealing with.

You have a lot on your hands. I think it sounds like you have a good handle on it. I do reiterate, the fact that she can self-analyze and discuss her actions after the fact are hopeful.

Keep it up mom, because you ARE mom, you are doing a great job!

Kate

Annanymous's picture

Oh gosh no, I never thought anything negative of your comments and appreciated every thing you said! It was helpful, very helpful. I feel bad (like a total asshole, actually) when I type out "she's stupid, she sucks, WTF just make her shut her face and stop!" because she's got major problems, obviously. Of course I love her, but it's just so exhausting and overwhelming for the world to revolve around her. Her father doesn't know if the molestation may be faked because of the timing and the way she went about disclosure. The CPS investigator said most kids don't go writing three-page "poor me" stories and sending them out en mass to boys saying they were raped using "raped every night" as the phrase or saying stuff about the other girl not having been molested as bad as her and saying "will YOU be the only one in the world to not abandon me and love me? Will you never leave me? My parents abandon me and want me to just die in my room and tell me I'm ugly and stupid. Do you think I'm stupid and ugly I bet you do huh" - I'm almost writing an actual quote of what she typed to three different boys (copy/pasted the same thing to each of the three...and she was her BFF's boyfriend's "secret second girlfriend"...now she's fawning over and secret texting another friend's boyfriend. She gained 20 lb now too and is up to 137 at 5'2" and is trying to look pregnant sticking out her stomach (this started when I was pregnant and it's obviously intentional she comments "aww I am so faaat huuuh do I look pregnant hahahah...do I????). She wrote a letter to her unborn baby about how suicidal she is and how everyone's mean to her but she's going to get her life together and have the baby one day. Creepy-ass shit, seriously.

She is getting weekly therapy and sees a psychiatrist every three months and is having a psychological testing next month. Now that we realize she's got major mental health problems, we are able to react appropriately instead of getting pissed off with her ugly attitude and behavior. At first, I was like WTF piss off then! Now, I say I'm sorry you feel this way and work through it and try to get her to do some introspection, but FFS it's EXHAUSTING AND SOMETIMES I PRAY FOR A NIGHT OFF, like would be nice to sit next to my husband or be alone so we could be intimate at some point..

She lies and sneaks of course. That's part and parcle of this particular problem.

I've played mom since she was four, but she told me she always hated me and thought I was nice to her and gave her ALL that stuff and did all that stuff with her just to suck up to get all Daddy's attention. (sometimes I'd brag to DH on the phone about her while he was at work at night since he wasn't home when she got home from school and worked nights, so she said my bragging on her was just me trying to make him think I was awesome because I would talk about the stuff she and I did together - playing barbies or computer or uno or whatever we did that night, crafts etc the past ten years...I was shocked and really hurt and my initial reaction **IN MY MIND** was FUCK YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL NASTY HATEFUL LITTLE BITCH... because I found out about all the crap she said about me (made up) to my neighbors, cousin, friend, etc and all the nasty things she did to sabotage me.. then she'd say "aw I'm sorry Mommy, I don't know why your cousin doesn't like you but I like you, I love you Mommy"...

So, I do try and I do forgive her, but when she hugs me and says she loves me or calls me Mom or Mommy, my spine gets stiff feeling and I can't help but think she's just manipulating again because she wants something, even if that something is my ignorance, affection, and acceptance. Of course I still love her, I do. I just feel burned still and am really trying hard to forgive and realize its a problem and make things better... but things were always happy and peaceful in our house, like the Cleavers, we never fought it was a lot of laughs and playing and family time and for her to go and say she was being so badly treated really just hurt me bad. I told her if she makes up stuff and gets CPS called, SHE will be the one suffering in foster care, not me, so she need to think just how badly she needs that dose of pity before she makes up something too far and gets herself locked up in a youth home because she'd get stuck there and me saying it wasn't true wouldn't prevent them from taking her - and it wouldn't be something she could hurt me with because again, SHE'd be in foster care, not me.

Oh, she ran away to the neighbors and demanded all the name-brand clothes I bought her and the hair straightener and the $100 shoes; I said no way. Neighbors bought her $450 worth of stuff because the pitiful dear was abused and neglected by ME and I wouldn't give her the brand name school clothes (I sent the Target backups)...they bought her $240 in MAKEUP CLINIQUE! They told me she was failing school because the trauma of having to live with me. They told me if I called cops and didn't let her stay there to 'have a break from the torture of living with me' that I'd be a horrible person. She stayed there a week; when she came home, she started allegations against them for trying to touch her and make her clean the house like cinderella and wanted us to pity her and told us it was our fault she was "almost raped because we made her feel unwanted like we'd be happier with just us and the baby to have a happy family now with her gone". -- see what I mean where it's just so fucking pathetic that you just want to vomit and scream "FFS SHUT UP".

Most her friend's are no longer coming around, unfortunately. When she's not doing the borderline personality crap, she is actually a very loving, sweet, kind, funny person that I ADORE being around and spending time with and so likeable!!! THen she fakes sick, manipulates, creates drama and pity and you just want to get away and slam your head on the wall a few times to get her voice saying "i cut myself because of YOUUUU cause YOUUUU don't LURVE ME ENOUGH waaaaaah" out of your head.. She once told me when I was 9 weeks pregnant and had mono and was on the couch sick as fuck for four weeks (she was insanely jealous but I didn't recognize it for what it was). she said I didn't get up and make her food and she didn't know how to make cereal; she said I didn't 'greet her enthusiastically enough when she walked through the room each time'; she said 'hope this baby don't die like your last too huh' and made my miscarriages ALLLLL about her.

THe fact that she can talk with me and break out of her episode when I calmly approach her is very hopeful. I used to get offended and defensive and like "fine be like that" then it would escalate. DH is still having a hard time coming to her with "poor you, lets talk about your feelings"; he says "you're fine, stop being like that".

aahhh sweet release.

I so appreciate having this forum to say the ugly thoughts and feelings omg I thought about moving out of state to my grandparents for the next five years until SD turned 18 to get away from her when I was pregnant she tortured me so fucking bad. I love her, but I'll never forget the things she's done and I'll have my guard up from now on.

Anon2009's picture

I agree with Katie and will also encourage her to talk about how she feels with her dad, and buy her a diary to let it all out in.

She's likely jealous that this baby gets an intact family, to see dad every day, and a better mom than she has. She may also wonder what will happen to her relationship with dad now that he has a full time child. I would encourage her to talk with her dad about this and tell her you'll always be there for her, but won't tolerate her acting out towards the baby

Annanymous's picture

SD is a full-time child. She rarely saw BM. A lot of it seems she had been jealous of DH's attention to me or the baby or the DOG. She was jealous of the dog to a ugly point too.

ltman's picture

Get a new therapist. To suggest she should manhandle and possibly put in harms way a baby is re fucking tarded.