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OT - Women Wednesday

Aniki-Moderator's picture

It's been quite awhile since I've done one of these. A dear friend called me, overwhelmed and crying, and is the catalyst for this.

What the HELL is wrong with people that they feel the perverse need to tear someone down at a low (quite possibly the lowest) point in her life?? When someone is wounded and vulnerable, there are sick individuals who jumnp right in, say THE worst thing, stick in the knives, and twist with all they've got. Here are a couple examples...

1) My sister was diagnosed with two different cancers a few years ago. Multiple surgeries needed (thankfully, she has been cancer-free since!). Shortly after she was diagnosed with the second cancer (while still reeling from the first cancer diagnosis), some freaking B!TCH who calls herself a good friend, gave my sister a book and lectured her about how "your negativity caused your cancer" and "having cancer is YOUR fault and you need to figure out what YOU did and how to stop doing it so you won't get cancer again". I immediately took that damn book and ripped it to shreds. WHO SAYS THAT CRAP?!?!

2) My dear friend Em's son was admitted to a mental health facility over the weekend. He admitted to her he'd been hearing voices and claiming everyone was spying on him, using his phone, the television, and XBOX. Saturday night, he got hysterical and was harming himself. His younger brother had to restrain him and ended up with a broken nose and a number of scratches/bruises. My friend posted on FB, asking for prayers for her and her family as one "is going through a tough time". Now, Em has a YUGE family in this area and they are very close. It's not the first time she (or her brother) have asked for "prayers for a family member" without going into details. Em called me, crying, because someone she thought was a good friend got sh!tty on her post, telling her to "stop making it about YOU". She sent me screenshots. In NO WAY did she make it about her. This "friend" somehow learned that Em's son is in a mental health facilty and had the nerve to tell Em that it's HER fault and went on and on while Em listened in stunned silence. It's Em's fault that her husband cheated (while she was recovering from a hysterectomy). It's Em's fault that her sh!t husband left her after she insisted on counseling to "heal their marriage". It's Em's fault that her now-ex husband pretty much abandonded their children in favor of his new gf and her kid. It's Em's fault that her daughter "got pregnant out of wedlock {who says that any more??}. It's Em's fault that her son "is a f*cking whack job". Em finally got her wits about her and hung up on that "friend". She won't tell me who it was (bloody good thing), but now has her blocked, as do her kids. 


Instead of doing their damndest to tear people down AND kick them, too, why don't they try to lift them up?? At the very least, they could simply LISTEN and say, "I'm sorry you're dealing with this." Maybe even "what can I do" - but only if they're sincere.

Your job is not to judge.
Your job is not to figure out if someone deserves something.
Your job is to life the fallen, to restore the broken, and to heal the hurting.

Now, I know it's not actually my JOB. But wouldn't it be nice if more people made that their mission in life?? I sent Em a meme and she made it the home screen on her phone.

Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace. ~Dalai Lama

So... Aniki is stepping off the soapbox and asking that you post something positive and uplifting. I recently read something that touched me deeply and I wish more people would read this and be inspired to be positive.


Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.

You are not created for everyone to like you. Just be yourself and the right ones will.

If you’re going through Hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

At the end of the night, before you close your eyes, be content with what you've done and be proud of who you are.


Peace and love, STalkers.


Aniki-Moderator's picture

I'm glad you think that, Chmmy. Too often, I see negativity and passive-aggressive BS. Frankly, I'm TIRED of it. I honestly believe that some people are miserable and unhappy with their lives. But, instead of trying to change their lives, they deliberately strike out ot hurt people and achieve a sick satisfaction by making their victims unhappy, too.

Chmmy's picture

Very true. Im sick of it too. I was such a sweetie and described as too nice sometimes. I had a lot of empathy. Ive become very negative the past few years after being trampled on and taken advantage of. Im not so nice anymore but Im trying to get back to a healthy balance of kindness without being taken advantage of. Honestly I dont like the crab ass Ive become sometimes. This isnt skid or marraige related. I went through this change a few years before I met DH so he knew the bitch he was marrying

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I can relate to being a b!tch. And I can be a MAJOR b!tch when pushed.

One thing I've tried to keep at the front of my mind at all times is You Can Only Change Yourself

At my low point in stephell, I came to the realization that, at times, I didn't like who I was. I could not change BioHo. I could not change the skids. I could not change DH. I could only change myself - what I did and how I reacted. I was no longer upset and angry. I no longer dreaded skid weekends. It's not like they were all rainbows and unicorns, but there were much worse things that could be happening! When I stepped back, DH stepped up. He'd gotten used to the house being tidy and tasty, homecooked meals. He got tired of picking up after the skids, dropped the Disney Dad, and started parenting again. There were some really rough patches, but we made it through and our marriage is solid.

Siemprematahari's picture

These people are toxic to your friend and I hope she removes them from her life forever. All these things that were said to your friend say a lot more about them and their lack of awareness. I'm happy that she has you, someone that can listen to her and be compassionate about her situation.

We need a lot more Aniki's in the world!

Wishing your friend strength to continue persevering & pushing through. She's a warrior!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Si, es verdad, Siempre. Em blocked her and had her kids block her. What that.... woman did was despicable and I hope others catch on quickly and refuse to be her victims. Bloody beeyotch.

Thank you for your good wishes, amiga.

Gads, woman, one Aniki is enough for this universe! *wacko*

advice.only2's picture

Thank you for this Aniki!
"You are not created for everyone to like you. Just be yourself and the right ones will."
This really touched me, I have been going through stuff with a friend who swears we are fine, yet it feels like everything I say to her is off and she gets defensive or has a snappy comeback. I have started distancing myself from said friend and thought it's hard, I feel better not having to watch every word I say with her.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Advice, it means a lot to me that it touched you!

I'm sorry about your friend. Is it possible that she is struggling with something, but taking it out on you? Distancing yourself sounds like the best plan. IF she needs space, she's getting it. And it also is a sign that when she treats you poorly, you won't stick around and 'take it'. xo

Kes's picture

Some people get a kick out of hurting and being cruel to others.  You see it often on StepTalk - posters who are mean, seemingly just for the sake of it.  I've never understood it myself, and really I explain it to myself by saying they've never been in hell (as some of us have) and been in the position of being grateful for just anyone who will hold out a hand and give a word of encouragement.  I was in hell for 6 mths+ in 1999 when I had a spectacular mental breakdown and was in a psychiatric ward. I honestly thought I'd spend the rest of my life, rocking and moaning on a locked ward. 

Really, you have to feel sorry for such pathetic specimens of humanity as you describe, Aniki - they are sad sacks with no compassion and no empathy.  However it has been my experience that in the end, such people either die a lonely death or karma meets them with an experience which brings home to them what a wrong path they have taken.  Either way, they are to be pitied. PS, I had the wonderful Winston Churchill quote about going through hell as my strap line for many yrs. 


Aniki-Moderator's picture

Kes, I agree with you 110%. My theory is that these people are unhappy with their lives and get a sick pleasure out of making others unhappy. I've witnessed it firsthand with my exSIL, exBIL, exMIL, exGMIL. Those effers weren't happy until they made someone hurt. 

However, while I'm saddened that these people are like this, I do NOT feel sorry for them. They CHOOSE to be pathetic specimens. They CHOOSE to be cruel. They CHOOSE to KNOWINGLY hurt people. I feel sorry for their victims. I pity anyone who doesn't realize how toxic they are and continually expose themselves to that toxicity, oftimes failing to understand why they leave feeling so much more anxious or depressed or beaten down.


princessmofo's picture

Aniki, I don't post much anymore but wanted to say thank you for this.  I truly needed to hear all of it today.  I've been spending way too much time lately dwelling on what if's instead of what is.  I just typed up a little note and slapped it on my mirror that says, "Sometimes silence is the most powerful weapon in your arsenal."  *dirol*

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Princessmofo, I'm happy this spoke to you! It truly touches me to know that something I said/wrote/posted spoke positively to someone.

Silence can speak volumes! I would rather say nothing than say anything a toxic person will twist or use against me. 

bananaseedo's picture

Thanks Aniki for being you. I recently just went through this same experience with my son- it's hard to be on this board sometimes....the 'mean girl' mentatlity is still so prevalent....when I'm at a low place I should probably just stay the hell away from here I guess.  Everyone in my real life though thank goodness has been very supportive and understanding and NON judgmental/blaming.


Aniki-Moderator's picture

Thank you so much, bananaseedo! There have been times when I thought being me was not a good thing and I've struggled with that.

And it's not just here. I've seen it all too often and it saddens me. We are here because we've been unhappy. We're looking for affirmation that we're not alone - that there are others who understand! The LAST thing we need is some toxic mean girl treating us like caca when we're already down.

You can always PM me. I'm sorry you had to go through this and hope all is okay with your son now. xoxo

CLove's picture

Sometimes thats all I have to offer. Sending some to your friend Em. And great news about your sister! My mother had lung cancer a few years ago, and I would never in a million years tell her it was her fault (although she did smoke for over 40 years...) you dont problem solve on that one, you simply hold them tight, and lsiten to them tell you about their doctor visits.

I have always loved the saying "the only time Im looking down on someone is when Im helping them up."

I always tell Munchkin SD13, that "doing the right thing is almost always the harder thing, but do it anyway". Im going to trademark that!

I had a Belgian Tervuren for several years, and will create a line of bumper stickers "you only herd the ones you love..."


Aniki-Moderator's picture

CLove, that is a BEAUTIFUL thing! If only more people would offer prayers and encouragement and positivity. The world would be a better place (IMO).

Both of those sayings are wonderful!

Kes's picture

Sorry, I just remembered you asked for positive posts - this is one of  my favourites, from Keanu Reeves:

"If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, then you're a badass with the heart of an angel"

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I can totally relate to that quote because I WAS brutally broken. Thank you, Kes!!! *good*

Aniki-Moderator's picture

While that's true, I believe that they know when they're being negative. Take a page out of Sheldon's book, give them a hug, and say, "there, there".  Smile