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Instant Babysitter BS

Aniki-Moderator's picture

What IS it with these bio parents who think the step parent is the immediate solution for a babysitter?? This is typically bio dads ASSuming that the step mom-ster is the go-to solution for whatever craptastic reason/situation he has.

Working overime (VOLUNTARILY)? Instant Babysitter to the rescue!

Running to the store (and gone for hours)? Instant Babysitter to the rescue!

Instant Babysitter. Just add GUILT!


ESMOD's picture

I think that men.. for what it's worth.. are still wired to think that childcare is women's work.  I also think it's not uncommon for women to transfer some more menial work to the guys too.. lawn.. car care etc..

Maybe there is an expectation that your SO will help you is what the BD thinks.. but unless he is up there and available to provide similar service for his SO's children.. then it is a bit presumptuous.

Fortunately, my DH didn't call me into service very often... mostly because he knew i wasn't very maternal and treated the kids like basic training


Aniki-Moderator's picture

I agree with you, ESMOD. My DH and I divvy up the chores by what we enjoy doing and don't mind doing. My DH luuuuuuuurrrrvs doing lawncare. He can have it! I luuuuuuurrrv doing laundry (and DH hates it - lol). The chores we both loathe, we take turns (like washing dishes).

My DH asked me once to watch the skids (he was wroking late and not getting home until midnight), He stupidly ASSumed that I would be okay doing it again. At that point, I had disengagd so there was no way in hades I was skid-sitting. Bonus: it ticked off BioHo something fierce that her plans to go out ho-ing were foiled. LMAO

Just J's picture

I don't get it either! What did they do before the girlfriend/wife came along? My DH, in 17 years, had only asked me to pick up his kids from school once. Once! And he felt terrible about it but there was literally no one else to do it unless he left work early, which he even considered doing. But I was working at home at the time and was usually done by that time anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. But he defintely didn't expect it and it wasn't automatically his first solution. My DH never foisted his parental responsibility onto me. He knew they were his kids, his responsibility, his to taxi around, his to find sitters for it necessary. So many of these men have nerve beyond belief to expect what they do, but unfortunately so many of them also find suckers to do it, at least for a minute. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Just J, I'm often of the opinion that it's the mindset of that particular man. My DH has never run out the door with some shite excuse, assuming I'll just watch the skids. Even if he was just picking up a pizza, the skids HAD to go with him. He never gave them the choice to stay behind.

I used to drive SD23 to work. But I CHOSE to do that. DH was coming home from work and  struggling to stay awake so he could go pick up SD, drive her to work (on Saturdays), then drive home. He was losing almost 3 HOURS of much-needed sleep. TBH, I insisted that DH let me drive her so he could get his rest. He was working 12 hour shifts and lack of sleep was very dangerous.

EvilStepMom1977's picture

I have not been great at drawing boundaries, but to my credit, one thing I have done is let my partner know I am not his kids' babysitter.  If he has a gig or whatever, he needs to take his kids with him or to a family member.  I don't sit at home and have kids squabble with each other for fun.  I am not the parent during his parent.  this probably has less to do with me and more to do with the fact that his ex has first right of refusal. he is trying to remove that part from the custody agreement and I hope he does not succeed because it gets me out of a lot of babysitting.

Cover1W's picture

OMG - I was just discussing this with DH.  He wants to take a trip this summer (alone, which is ok by me we don't take every single trip together) but it might overlap with SD13s time with him during a three-day period for the month (the only time she's scheduled to be at our home during that month).  Which happens during the work week. 

I told DH, fine to take the trip but I'm not taking care of SD13, no way. 

He got all upset about my "requirements" for him to take this trip.  "No, DH, this is reality for me, you take trip but I don't take on all your responsibility."  And how is SD supposed to DO anything anyway?  I cannot take her anywhere...I'm away from the house 12 hrs a day.  She refuses to interact with any of the neighborhood kids!  No, not my babysitting problem.

STaround's picture

He gets  3 days with her the entire month, and wants to go away?  And BTW, if she came and he was gone, how the heck would she feel.  

Cover1W's picture

And he wonders why OSD is PASed? And why YSD doesn't talk with him and is on her way to PAS?  He is not a Parent. A dad, yes, but not a Parent. It's why I disengaged.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

WTH, Cover, is your DH's head lodged in his posterior?! 

He can arrange for SD to join him during his days OR tell BM that SD is staying there. Period.Dot.

tog redux's picture

Many of these men shouldn't have the amount of custody time they have, IMO, because they don't actually want to be parents.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I think an inordinate number of men were raised to believe that the majority of the parenting is for the mother. 


My parents were ahead of their time and treated their children equally. Regardless of gender , all of us were taught EVERYTHING to live alone and be self-sufficient: cooking, cleaning, car maintenance, laundry, minor home repairs, money managerment... No need to run to Mommy for laundry or a home-cooked meal. No running to Daddy to change the oil in the car or come over and unclog the plumbing. 

Valkyrie's picture

My favorite one is when OPs say that DH and BM have worked it out together for the SM to do the babysitting ..... without asking her... LMAO!!! 

tog redux's picture

Even with asking her. And then she agrees- that's always a source of wonder for me. Sure, I'll babysit your kid while you two work or play or whatever.

advice.only2's picture

I admit I was guilted into this mind set because I was a stay at home mom, then when we got full custody I really didn’t have a choice.  It wasn’t until SD was 16 that I finally stood up and said no more, DH needed to step up.  Once I did that within a year DH let her move out and live with her maternal grandhag 

JBDmom's picture

My SO asked me to watch our SD3 at the time once or twice before it became an obligation for me to watch her everyday. Granted she did end up moving in with us but that was a something that kind of just happened with out any discussion between us because of the BM situation. I’ve been a sahm ever since and have her along with my DD and soon to be DS all day everyday even when he’s not working. It’s gotten rough at certain points, but I also feel like if he didn’t have me SD would be wild and a complete handful. 

elkclan's picture

We only have his kids EOWE and half the school holidays. But I'd never been in a step situation before, so I didn't get it when he said that he didn't expect me to take care of his kids before I even met them. I would have been an easy victim to this. Happily, at the beginning he never asked me to look after his kids if he needed help. I offered. But I have a kid who is here more than his are, so there is lots of opportunity for quid pro quo. If he has a scheduling conflict there is now an expectation that I'll step in and help if I can. There is also gratitutde. If I have a scheduling conflict, there is an expectation that he's a 2nd choice after bio dad.

thinkthrice's picture

By saying things like "I don't expect you to be their mom" (TM) and  "they already have two parents." (TM) 

Of course this applies to DISCIPLINE only...feel free to act as an ATM, event planner, secretary, maid, laundress, chauffer and nanny.  0% authority combined with 100% responsibility.


Simpleton21's picture

Yep, this ^^^ and then when you do try to act like authority OMG how wrong you are!!!!  But your money is still okay and your resources and any benefits!  


Siemprematahari's picture

Grateful my H wasn't one of those men who thought I was obligated to watch his kids because I'm a woman or his wife. If he did I'd straighten that line of thinking QUICK. To me I just feel that many of the biological parents can be inconsiderate and feel because you live together that you are "obligated" when you're not. My thing has always been what if the step parent wasn't there who would stay with the child? Other arrangements would surely have to be that!