OT - advice needed on strange situation
It's Thursday and I'm thankful to have my STalk family to ask for advice! *give_rose*
This situation has me baffled on how to handle, but it's bothering me. I apologize in advance for the length and any confusion. Let the aliases begin...
I met Mrs Jones through my friends, the Hedgehogs. DH and I grew up with Mr H, so we've been friends with him for decades.
Mr H was an avid biker and became friends with Mr Jones, which led to the Hedgehogs and Joneses spending a lot of time together. The Hedgehogs have two annual barbecues and this is how we met the Joneses. Because of Mr H's friendship with Mr J, Mrs J became part of Mrs H's lady circle. Pre-pandemic: Mrs H, Mrs J, 2 other ladies, and I did the occasional lunch or dinner. So I've been friendly with Mrs J, but not friends. IOW, we've never gotten together one-on-one or chatted on the phone or exchanged texts. The sole exception is that I made her a Memory Bear 5 years ago.
Mrs J has been suffering with health issues for several years now; a result of gastric bypass. Compound that with being an alcoholic pothead who abuses prescription meds. I'll leave out other aspects of her lifestyle... suffice to say she is not someone I'd choose as a friend because we are... incompatible. Due to her own health issues, apparently Mrs H is no longer friendly with Mrs J.
Due to her alcohol/drug abuse, Mrs J has had many injuries (home alone and drunk) and ended up in the ER with concussion, broken arm, broken wrist, broken collarbone, several wounds requiring stitches... If a neighbor hadn't found her, the one wound from falling on a sharp fence piece would've killed her. Compound that with the disastrous gastric bypass complications that landed her in the hospital for 2 weeks...
The extent of our "friendship" is that Memory Bear and I recently (kicking myself) agreed to make another and just got started on it.
For whatever reason, Mrs J started texting me regularly shortly after I took on this bear job: she misses her friends, wants to hang out, talk on the phone... (I loathe phone conversations). I am flat out BAFFLED. Again, we've been friendly, but never friends.
I've responded to her texts, but usually not for a couple of hours or even the next day - and feel like a total ass because I AM doing a job for her, but it's never about the bear. I've told her I spend so much time on zoom work calls, I'm often hoarse and difficult to understand by day's end. (I'm also very susceptible to laryngitis and cannot afford to lose my voice.) I've told her I'm pretty much a hermit and, between work and the bear jobs, don't go out much. Everything I've told her is the truth. The truth I've avoided is that I don't like her. 
If I didn't need the $$, I'd give back the shirt and not make the bear (which could ruin future earnings from others). Any ideas what can I say to her - NICELY - to tell her I'm not interested? She's so booze/pot/drug addled, that nothing you tell (text) her sticks. I'm at a loss.
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This is a tough one. You
This is a tough one. You have given her all the normal social cues that you aren't up for a lot of interraction with her.. she, unfortunately, is not capable of picking up on those clues.. and likely due to her issues.. has become less connected with people and is forging connections... with no real regard to what the other person..YOU.. feel about it.
I'm not sure if telling her directly.. "you know honey..you aren't the kind of person I would normally hang out with.. you have issues" would be any different than giving the shirt back and tanking future business.
I guess in the end.. what you can do is be unavailable to her...as much as possible. Because the alternative is to be more direct again that " I know you have been reaching out to me a lot, but I just have a ton on my plate.. and just don't have the bandwith for keeping up with friends.. I don't have time to talk, go out.. meet up.. I'm just swamped.. and I feel badly that I can't be responsive to you all the time.. but I just don't have the time to increase my social obligations"
So.. I might only respond to texts about her project.. and I would be getting that project done PRONTO.. so that you could ignore.. even go days without responding and any responses should be brief.. and not invite future discussion.
Thank you, ESMOD. That is a
Thank you, ESMOD. That is a good answer I can tweak to my writing style!
Her memory has definitely been affected. It's not simply forgetting things; she also has false memories. Like the time we were at the XYZ bar having a deep conversation and she realized how much we have in common. Huh?? I was on that bar one time almost 20 years ago with my ex. I didn't even know Mrs J back then.
You can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be giving up my recreational reading to get that darn bear completed asap.
Yep
Agree with ESMOD. Just try to be more unavailable. If that doesn't work, you may have to be more direct, but politely. I've had this happen too. Be indirect at first but if they don't get the hint then you have to be more upfront.
People like this can be emotional vampires. It's draining in introverts - so as much as we would like to help people - we aren't equipped to do so. I'm an introvert too, at heart. I can socialize but even after spending time with close friends I need downtime to recover from...social interaction.
I definitely get it - but take care of you (like Rags always says) - just be more direct, if the indirect cues don't work.
While I'm sorry to hear of
While I'm sorry to hear of anyone coming to such a sad pass ...
crank out that damn bear ASAP, then block her.
Ration your responses
You've tried explaining and she chooses not to get it. Ration your responses to every other, every third, every fourth interaction, or whatever feels right.
Anki, you're working a full time job that keeps you tense. You have a large, complex stepfamily with a troublesome BM. You've said you deal with depression. You have a husband who is getting older, you have a house to care for. You are moderating this site and you've got a sideline business.
Your plate is more than full. Don't feel one second of guilt for limiting your interaction with this person. It's a pity for the condition she is in but there's nothing you can do to fix it. Please take care of your precious self.
Wow, JRI! Talk about someone
Wow, JRI! Talk about someone showing you a pic of yourself that you didn't really see until that moment. Thank you for making me see I am truly busy and not being mean or reluctant to give a new friendship a go. *give_rose*
Best advice
As usual, from JRI. Just love her direct yet gentle responses
I have a dear friend who
draws people to her like the pied piper. She is authentic, smart, funny, outgoing etc ... and pretty much every woman that meets her immediately wants to be her bestie. I am thrilled that she considers me to be like a little sister.
Anyway, I am always impressed with her social grace and skill. I watch how she handles the (sometimes unwanted) "fan club" ... Not sure if any of these would work in your situation but a few things she does are ...
1. Redirects new "friend" back to their own group of friends or significant other.
2. In response to questions she says, "I don't know. Go ask so & so ..."
3. Pretends to see a shiny object that is intensely of interest to her and rushes off rapidly in that direction ...
Good luck. I guess your light just shines too brightly.
Make excuses
Although tempting to just be straight with her and get it over with, it's easier to makes excuses. It preserves her dignity, your heart, and the group dynamic. Perhaps "I like hanging out in a group, but I can't get together or do phone chats one-on-one. It's nothing personal. I'm one of those people with a small social battery who needs a lot of down time. I've only got so much energy for friends each week, and I like to spend it seeing everyone at once."
Hard one
"Dang I'd love to chat, just wish my life wasnt so busy"
" Maybe we can get together or chat real soon. Unfortunately right now Im frazzled with work, and dealing with some family/friend issues"
" As much as Id love to get together I cant for your safety. The conditions of the witness protection program Im in doesnt allow it. Much too dangerous" LOL ok maybe not this one.
Just always have a breazy excuse.
Become a bore
Talk about YOUR interests (the mundane ones)
"I'm really into macrame and hypertufa" then cut and paste wikipedia content into your texts.
Become so dull that all slugs within a 20 mile radius will die from the monotony.
Apologies to those here who are into macrame and hypertufa--I will admit to taking a hypertufa class and made several garden mushrooms. See what I mean?
Sometimes we meet someone and
Sometimes we meet someone and become friends - sometimes not. I've met a few people since we moved house in 2020 - but none of them is going to become a good friend - I have coffee with them occasionally, that's about the extent of it. But I am retired and don't have the committments you do, Aniki - even if you liked this woman - you might only have time to see her or talk, once in a blue moon. The fact that she is not the sort of person you want to give time to - and you have tried to give her cues which most people would take on board - tell me that you just need to step back (when the bear is done!) and just ignore any further attempts by this somewhat needy woman to get you to meet her needs. I think you're probably a bit too nice - in the nicest possible way!