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After the "crude honest incident" SD (husband's daughter) decided to live full time with her BM - I guess it's over now

angelique78's picture

Submitted by angelique78 on Thu, 10/25/2018 - 2:39pm

Hi. For those who don't remember me or didn't read my first blog, I will let the link right here.

https://www.steptalk.org/blog/angelique78/after-4-years-stepdaughter-hus...

After the incident she went to her mother house for her GM birthday which were held in a Saturday morning. Few days later, in a Tuesday, a man was assaulted near my house and almost died (Little background here: Brazil is going through a complicated election process. There is a extremist right wing candidate and a social-democrat. The guy suported the social-democrat one). After that episode her BM called my DH and told him that she would not allow SD walking around alone and, until the police figure out what happened, wouldn't be a good idea to have her around my house.

Few days ago, exactly 20/10/2018, was her 16th birthday. She didn't threw a party or anything like that (Another background: I see that in some countries 16th birthday is pretty important. In Brazil isn't. The 15th is more important to a girl here). With 16 years a person can legally work in Brazil. Her mother is a physical therapist and decided to start a business, a physical therapy clinic. SD always said she wanted to be a physical therapist. She asked her mom if she could work with her. Her mother accepted, but said she will be just like any other employee and she would have to start small. She is now is a courier. 

She decided that she won't come to our house anymore. My husband was pretty upset and she said that. He tried to argue but she said it was her final decision.

I apologized for any hurt I did. She said it was not necessary but she would apreciete if we keep a distance between us, to avoid future misunderstandings.

Yeah... This is what I have now...

      

Comments

Letti.R's picture

Submitted by Letti.R on Thu, 10/25/2018 - 3:01pm

I don't feel your stepdaughter is being problematic.
She has been polite and fulfilled her time spent with Dad in a respectful way.
She did not cause problems.

I agree that it is not easy for you or your husband to accept that she doesn't want to blend into your idea of a "happy family".
Leave it be.
This is her choice.

On this forum sometimes step parents "disengage" from the step children.
This basically means they are polite and civil to the child, but do not want a relationship with the child.
Your stepdaughter has disengaged from you.
You can not change that.

If your stepdaughter no longer wants to visit, let her not visit.
Do not push the issue.
It will only anger her.
It is hard to let go of her.
Maybe years from now, she will change her mind.

By the way, in your last post, you wrote your husband said his daughter is "dead to him".
That,  to me,  means he wants nothing to do with her.
Why is it okay for him to say that?
Now stepdaughter wants nothing to do with him.
Why is it NOT ok for stepdaughter to want the same?
Also, how did your husband go from "she is dead to me" to now being upset that his daughter is giving him what he wants?

angelique78's picture

Submitted by angelique78 on Thu, 10/25/2018 - 3:11pm

My husband can be quite irrational sometimes. 

He later told me that her attitude reminded him her BM's behavior. 

He said that her BM was always cold. After the incident he said me "I could see her BM's coldness through her words". He projected his relationship with her BM  in her. 

 

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Thu, 10/25/2018 - 7:21pm

If it's any consolation, she's 16 years old and that's still young. What she says now can very well change in a few months/years from now

My OSD decided at 19 she would not set foot in our house again, refused to have anything to do with us, and the harder we tried to reason with her and salvage the relationship, the more determined she was to stick it to us as much as she could

Eventually when we both respected her "wishes" she got angry, frustrated, and eventually sucked it up and started kissing butt in an attempt to reconnect

You SD is 16, she is being influenced by her Mom, and most likely her jealous insecuirites as well

Anything can happen and I would not count this as final

For your part, disengage....you will eventually feel a lot less stressed

Focused_onourlife's picture

Submitted by Focused_onourlife on Thu, 10/25/2018 - 8:59pm

"My OSD decided at 19 she would not set foot in our house again, refused to have anything to do with us, and the harder we tried to reason with her and salvage the relationship, the more determined she was to stick it to us as much as she could

Eventually when we both respected her "wishes" she got angry, frustrated, and eventually sucked it up and started kissing butt in an attempt to reconnect" OMG this is my OSD to a T! Only my SD repeated this cycle for almost 10 years (after every encounter she found a reason to get mad all over again and made sure to tell a source who would inform us) and not only did her behaviour worsen each time,  my DH finally banned her from our home until her behaviour improves. She's even tried the manipulation tactics with my DH to no avail... Her 'punishments' pissed DH (and I for that matter) off and backfired on her.

I know this isn't the end as pathetic as it is. It's just ridiculous the lenghts they go through to get their way. I also agree, OP has no choice but to disengage. Let your DH deal with his DD's crazy.