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angelas_shadow's picture

some of you have read my other post but i have a major quandary. i have disengaged from the bm because i truly hate her, but i wonder if that is the right thing to do. she is a horrible person and drives me up a wall, but maybe i should be calling her on her behavior. do i have the right to tell her what i think?

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purpledaisies's picture

No the best thing you can do is ignore. I mean think about it all she wants is a rile or some kind of reaction. So ignoring her is like telling her that you don't care. Then she will get tired of trying to get your attention and stop.

young stepmother of two's picture

My skids BM is horrible too. Not just IMPO. I mean, bad character, severe. Seems like everyone, even those outside the family (including her soon to be 2nd ex husband and third failed attempted marrige) seem to think she is just shitty overall. I guess you could say I am disengaged.. I mean, I don't talk to her except when she drops the skids off EOW. I ride with DH to drop them off, but don't get out of the car. When she drops them off, she is always friendly. I suppose it's just being polite for the skids, and I do it too, but the overall concensus is that I don't like or respect her as a person or mother, and she knows it. So we only communicate when she drops them off or when she can't get a hold of DH concerning the skids.

I think you are donig the right thing. Let her be who she is. There's a saying, and it's true, you can't change someone else. To answer your question, yes. You have the right to tell her what you think. Should you? No. It would only cause an issue with everyone. Come here and let it out, or if your MIL hates her too, vent to her (luckily I have that option!) Hehehe.

caregiver1127's picture

Never let the BM know what your are thinking - believe me she will use it against you some way - stay away from her if you can - it will be better in the end if you keep your distance - anytime someone on here tried to do anything with the BM it ended in disaster - while you may want to tell her what you think she does not give a shit and she will make your life hell - well even more hell than she already has and she will be so happy that she is doing it - STAY AWAY FROM HER!!!!

Rags's picture

I am a proponent of barring the blended family opposition's ass every chance they give. You don't need to engage with her just take advantage of every opportunity she gives you to bare her ass for being stupid, manipulative or otherwise ridiculous.

It worked well for us over the years with my SS's SpermIdiot and the SpermClan. It took a while but eventually they learned that every time they crawled out from under their rock spouting some vitriolic crap or other we would kick their asses in court or otherwise embarrass the shit out of them.

The finally learned to pretty much do what they were told to do. They never learned to shut up but they did learn to follow directions or suffer the consequences for not doing what we told them to do.

I recommend learning to enjoy barring BM's ass as a sport. I got very good at it with my SS's BioDad and truly enjoyed holding up a mirror in front of him to show him how much of a worthless POS dirt bag toothless moron he is.

angelas_shadow's picture

so how do i go about doing that rags? i guess that's really what i want i just don't know how.....

Rags's picture

The best tool I found for doing this is the CO. Keep a copy of the CO handy, read it, learn it and love it. It will be your best friend during your tenure as a Sparent to a Skid under a Custody/Visitation/Support judgment. Also research the jurisdiction where your Skid's CO is from to find any Supplemental Local Rules that may be in force in the jurisdiction. This is the best kept secret in visitation and blended family opposition management. Not all jurisdictions have supplemental rules so good luck on this one.

My wife and I both keep a copy of the CO and Supplemental Rules in our desks at work and a copy in our home office. When SpermGrandMa calls to arrange visitation travel and starts her vitriolic toxic rant we roll the CO and Supplemental Rules in to a nice tight tube and beat her about the head and shoulders with them until she crumbles in to submission. When SGM or BioDad calls my wife, my wife conferences me in and I IM her excerpts from the CO and supplemental rules to shove down SpermGrandMa's or BioDad's throat when they get stupid. She can pay attention to what they are saying and I can back her with the facts.

These tools are also good for managing the Skids if and when they go in to the "you and mom/dad are mean to my (other) mom/dad." When my SS has had these moments during pre visitation behavioral issues or post visitation detox periods my wife and I would counter it with the facts as defined in the CO and supplemental rules and from our voluminous files with court records, etc….. We tell him "We are not being mean, it is the law and we are abiding by the law. See, here is the judges order and the law (supplemental rules) that tell us we have to to these things. For some reason your (SpermIdiot) and (SPermGrandMa) are insistent that we violate the judges order which we can not do."

We tried repeatedly to work with SpermGrandMa and her idiot son for the benefit of our son (my SS) over the years. Any time we were magnanimous or reasonable and gave them more than the CO stipulated they would push and push and push for more and get more belligerent with my wife about how she was a mean manipulative bitch, etc.... They trained us quickly to not deviate from the CO or the Supplemental Rules which ultimately proved to be the best tools we had for keeping them under control and for barring their asses.

Interestingly they apparently never figured out that all they had to do was read the CO or the Supplemental Rules, we never specifically told them about the rules but we did quote them frequently. SpermGrandMa would call ranting that the CO was unfair and her Judge/Lawyer friends (that she is the house keeper for) told her X,Y,Z L,M,N,O,P. crap and that we could not do what we were doing. We just told her what the CO said ant that if she did not like what the CO said that we would be happy to see her idiot son back in court. That usually was the precursor to the end of the conversation when SpermGrandMa would scream, rant, yell "you would like to go back to court wouldn't you" then hang up. She would call back a few hours later in a surprisingly sweet mood to finish making whatever arrangements she was looking to make. Only the call back was on my wife's terms and not hers. They were always significantly humbled by the time they made the second call.

We were never humble. We did not have to be. We were right and we were in control. Funny how in these situations humility goes to the side of the looser. For us it was always about winning. Not for my wife or I specifically but for the best interest of our son.

The fact that I relish in barring their toothless moron asses is just an entertaining bonus.

We were certainly creative in our interpretation of the CO and rules when we wanted to do something and did not allow creativity when the SpermClan wanted something. You can do that with toothless morons who refuse to read their own damned court order.

We also did things such as quoting the SpermIdiot’s arrest record, history of serial statutory rape (un charged and never convicted but a 21-25yr old having sex with 16yr olds is as pure a definition of a statutory rapist that I can think of), getting the Tax Records for the entire SpermClan, School Records for the younger three out-of-wedlock SpermIdiot spawn to prove that they were not living with him as he claimed, we got a PI to follow him around periodically documenting cash payments for work that he did not claim on his taxes, etc, etc, etc......

All these things are great leverage against the BFO (Blended Family Opposition).

When they would periodically fail to return SS on time from visitation the police would coincidentally find them shortly before my ILs would show up to get the kid and put him on a plane back to us. It helps that my wife's BFF's dad is the chief of police in the town where SpermGrandMa lives with many Officer Friends in the town where the SpermIdiot lives. When my FIL escorted by a police officer walks in to a restaurant the day after SS was supposed to fly home and they collect the kid, rip some SpermClan ass in front of their minister and friends then take the kid and leave it bares some major SpermClan ass. Blum 3 }:)

The starting point to barring the ass of the blended family opposition is the CO. This can be supplemented with recordings of all telephone conversations, a comprehensive call/activity log of anything they say, do, the kids tell stories about, members of the community tell stories about, etc, etc, etc....... Not all of this information is admissible in court but it is all good for reference when you are in court and when you can speak directly and confidently from your notes while the opposition is stuttering and saying "that's bullshit!" you look really good to the judge and your team gets credibility with the court that their team does not.

This will work for both the CP and NCP though the CP definitely has more stroke in most cases when it comes to family law court.

Find the cracks in the opposition’s armor and work the cracks. As you work at it you will begin to find what really pisses them off. Once you know these items and you keep them pissed of then you are in control and can pretty much lead them around by the short and curlies any time you want to. When they are pissed off and you are calm and armed with information you are in control.

This is what has worked for us over the past ~17yrs.

Facts are not good or bad. They are just facts. Use the facts to control BM. There are always facts you can use. Find them and use them.

Good luck and best regards,

angelas_shadow's picture

thanks rags in the past this was how it generally went, and i was happy as i could be dealing with her, i guess i just need to go back to the way it was, because i hate dealing with this crap, but being in a hospital for 3 mos, kinda put me out of the loop. guess its time to get my hands dirty again.

afrazier212's picture

I have never communicated with BM besides calling her out in court for lying, which almost got me thrown out and I removed myself anyways cause it was driving me crazy, I sat in the courthouse bawling. I don't know how I would react to an additional Mother figure in my BS life and will not ever know but I would definetly want to meet her and feel out who she is if shes spending time and parenting my child!! Beyond that unless for some reason both parties were purely adult and acted in such ways and got along great i would keep the communication between my sons father and myself!!

angelas_shadow's picture

before everything happened between ss and bs she was constantly calling texting, coming to my house, i hated it but at least then when she opened her crazy mouth i could tell he where to stick it (not in front of the kids of coarse) i guess my biggest problem right now is that i think shes taking the silent treatment to mean she wins and is running wild with it, she is constantly bugging my dh with things that she damn well knows are my territory, like clothes and toys. i groom dogs for a living so i relate well with how they work and it feels like shes dry humping me right now, if that makes sense....i need a way to show her i am still the dominate one but i would like to do it in a calm assertive way....so how?
i have tons of horrible things i fantasize about, like sending all the old nude pics of her sleeping with my dh's best friend when she was dating her currant husband....to her husband. but i will probably never go there....fun as it sounds, maybe i could use them in court?....ah, maybe i'm starting to go a little insane

angelas_shadow's picture

well that would include actual physical confrontation. which kinda brings me back to the beginning should i call her on stuff? i worry the most about her making dh miserable or trying to pull visitations then anything else ....i did do something kinda horrible last visitation, not normally my style. she has told ss that if he doesn't call her new husband dad that it hurts his feelings and makes him feel like ss doesn't like him...and that because he lives with bm and sd that sd is really a more real 'dad'. so i told him that he could start calling me mom (he had asked if he could before but i feel that is disrespectful, plus bm HATES it) he also has stated once again that he hates her and wants to move in.... i would love to she her face for that one.