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Excuses excuses...

Amcc13's picture

These excuses my partner comes up with are sometimes farciable...

Situation: partner and I have been together five years, met kids at six months in, have been in their life since they were 4.5 and 6.5- They are now 9 and 11
In the last 24 months I have noticed the kids making less and less effort to talk to me and sometimes outright ignoring me. Things like not saying hello when I came in or if we are all sitting at dinner table they will ask their father to pass them something that is right next to me. I also noted that if I ask a question I would get one word answers but should anyone else ask the same question they would get a whole story about it
The only thing I came down on was the not saying hello cause it reached the point where I would come into the house say hello and they would be standing there and say nothing. I came down hard on partner and they now say hello and goodbye
However the rest hasn't changed. I have broached my partner on several occasions about these changes and he has a list of excuses
First: they are quiet children
Second : they are just shy around people
Third: we (secretly meaning I) have to do more to engage with them
Personally I think their mother is at work here

Last night I thought I had finally got through to partner. We were both late coming in and decided to pick up Chinese for dinner - kids are in back of car. It is wintery so dark windy and rain. Partner says will you guys stay here and I said yes. Then the kids kick up being like no no daddy we want to go with you. They literally could not get out of the car and away from me fast enough

Partner saw this and we discussed it last night after they had gone to bed- he tried the regular excuses and I shut them down. It's been over four years- they should be well used to me by now. And seeing as I am the one who does the printing and decorating of the school projects (and literally minded them the entire Sunday before cause partner had emergency at work) I think we can consider me engaged. Partner is receptive says he will discuss it with them and we can work out a plan

This morning... duh duh duh... the new excuse!!!
You all really for this ???
The new excuse- he thought about it after we discussed it and they jumped out of car and ran after him cause they had missed him so much!!!
My response was you had them Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Monday and they didn't see you for 48 hours and they missed you that much- really???

have to give him points for the originality and the ego stroke to himself tho!!!


Acratopotes's picture

The kids disengaged from you......

Now you disengage from them, if they don't talk to you, you don't talk to them, and about that school projects.. sorry if I'm not good enough to be treated like a human being, I'm not good enough to help with school projects...

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I dealt with this in the beginning of my relationship with DH. His youngest daughter had a bad habit of ignoring people, not just me. She would literally refuse to respond if someone spoke to her. If she didn't want to speak to you, then she just wouldn't. DH and his entire family thought that this was a cute behavior. She was 7 at the time. After a while, I broached the subject with DH and told him that it was rude. He finally came to his senses and started reprimanding her. It took about 6 months, but she finally realized it wasn't working.

The bad thing is that unless your DH gets on board, I don't think it will change. Since your DH wants to make excuses, I agree that you should disengage. If he asks you why, then you can just say that you have stepped back since "his kids miss him so much" that they can only interact with him.

strugglingSM's picture

My SSs don't ignore me when they are with us. They aren't exactly friendly, but they come to me when they need something.

However, at any of their school and sporting events and when we are with DH's family, it's like I'm invisible.

I've pointed this out to DH and he either thinks I'm exaggerating or doesn't think it's a big deal. According to him, SSs love me and see me as part of their family. I call BS! The only one who sees us as part of a "family" is him.

Happycamper's picture

I'm sorry! Many of us know how you feel. You can read my blog. I'm going through it big time. Skids are high schoolers and know exactly what they are doing. I've been complaining about it to DH for years. He makes excuses for them just like your DH. Sad thing is, kids realize that behavior is acceptable and they only get worse. Mine continue to get worse. Unless he mans up and confronts them they will continue to blatenly ignore you and what I call disrespect you. It's obvious in my eyes that if I disappeared tomorrow they would have a party. DH talks them up like they are caring angels. He goes on and on how they are perfect and don't ever do anything wrong to discipline. I had major surgery awhile back. A week later I had major complications and started hemorrhaging at home. We went to the ER in the middle of the night. I had texted my kids and they kept texting and calling checking on me. He texted the skids telling them. I can only figure because I texted mine. They still hadn't checked on me from the surgery. They never once asked about me from the ER trip. Two days later I mentioned it and about an hour later I got a text from both of them. I asked DH if he told them to text me. He lied and said no they were concerned about you. Well yeah, shame on me I looked at his phone because I didn't believe it and it took them days to ask how I was. Sure enough he had to tell them they needed to text me. Now why in the heck cover for them and lie to me about it. !?! He would just rather keep telling himself his kids are angels and it's probably my fault. I don't try enough. I'm done trying. Good luck. Try nipping it in the bud quickly because it will only get worse if you don't.

moving_on_again's picture

SO never gives excuses, he sees it too. SS has been with us full time for over three months. He's fine when he's not around BM. Yesterday, he went to visit her to "check on MSD's car." Mind you, BM's husband is a mechanic, SS is 16. He was totally distant last night. I really think it's a loyalty thing. They feel like if they are nice to us, they are "hurting" BM. Ugh. I just ignore it now.

Evil3's picture

OK, I went through the same thing. My SD28 actually shunned me in my own home for over 7 years. Whenever we passed one another, she'd snap her head around as if I was too disgusting to look at. I got all the same excuses. "Well, this is her home." "She's just that way." And on and on and on. Do not let it go. Call bullsh*t each and every time and it is your SO who has to address it each and every time. After putting up with being shunned in my own home and DH gaslighting me every time I brought it up, I lost my sh%t and had it out with DH.I told him that if I'm good enough to f (yes, I went there), then I should be good enough to be treated with respect. I told DH that he's allowing me to be treated like scum in front of our DD and that I was no longer going to allow anyone to just let me be ousted from the family and made to be an outsider. Do not let it go and do not accept the excuses. It doesn't matter if it's BM's doing. The kids aren't in BM's house when they're with you. Their dad must deal with it. He needs to sit them down and tell them that they do not have to like you, but you are not going anywhere and they must respect you. Any attempts to make you an outsider will not be tolerated. Then, you hold your DH accountable. I told mine that I will not enable his enabling of the SKs' shoddy treatment of me. If he really thinks that I deserve to be treated like that then I couldn't be with him. I can't be with a man who allows the woman he claims he loves to be treated like that. Tell him exactly what you expect and that you expect it pronto. You don't have to threaten him with the D word. I didn't have to go that far, but I did say that I couldn't be with a man who allowed me to be treated like scum. Your DH will backtrack and stutter and stammer and try every which way to not to have to confront his precious poopsies, but don't let him off the hook. You are an adult in the home who contributes to the division of labour and finances and kids should be relegated to position of kids and you should be elevated to position of spouse/equal partner. I'm so mad on your behalf. It brings back memories. It's as if I have step-PTSD.

Evil3's picture

I forgot to add that while I had it out with DH, I shunned SD right back. I disengaged and after a while DH ended up supporting my disengagement. He admitted that he did see what SD was doing and he then said "if she gives you snot, give her snot right back." In the end, she went to live with her mother and wanted to move back in with us at 24. I said no f ing way and my DH abided by that.