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Why am I so jealous over his 4 year old???

amandalyn0677's picture

I am about to pull my hair out! I am in a relationship with a guy that I love very much. I can't picture being without him for two seconds and then when his daughter comes over and I feel that I go from the top of his list to the very bottom. She is 4 and from a previous relationship. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. We also have one baby together. Here is my problem. He thinks she is the cats meow (with 4 other kids around) and it drives me nuts. She always asks for snacks and drinks 24/7 and instead of telling her she can have a drink and get her a drink he fills a cup for her to carry around pretty much all day long. Isn’t she to old for this? She ALWAYS has to have his attention. Its getting to the point now where she needs her Daddy to go in the bedroom with her to watch her change into her pajamas and he goes with her. Even after I told her she is a big girl and she dont need daddy to watch her change. He undermines me and doesn’t care what I have said and drops what he is doing and runs in there. (showing her that it doesn’t matter what I say) Shouldn’t he be telling her that Daddy’s don’t need to watch their daughters get dressed? I can understand if she needs help with something but just to watch her get into her pajamas? I think its uncalled for at her age now.. She knows how to dress herself. She is at an age where she needs to start learning boundries and whats appropriate and whats not. She goes to bed at 9 and gets up at least 3 times asking for food, drink and a new movie and he gets it for her. So he disappears for 10 min which cuts into "our time" He also has to hand feed her fruits and veggie’s because she refuses to eat anything "healthy" Instead of telling her she either eats it or she does not get a snack, and stands by it, he hand feeds her so she is sure to get her snack because he does not want to tell her NO when she asks for her snack 15 min after dinner. He said he wants to make sure she gets them in her. Her time outs consist of about 1 min in the living room where everyone is hanging out. She hangs on his legs and follows him around everywhere. When I have told her no about something and he gives it to her, she rubs it in my face. She has to watch 2 or 3 movies before she will go to sleep. I feel he ignores me when she is around. He does not think he does. Am I just being jealous? Should I just back off? He wont hardly let me do anything for her because he thinks he should play mommy and daddy to her. I am here and perfectly able to help play Mommy but he wont let us get to close. Once again he is only hurting her because she is going to need me in her life if I am with her Dad and we will need to have a good relationship. I can understand to a point that he does not want to lay to many demands because he doesn’t see her much but I wish he would understand how this will hurt her in the future and she won’t respect him at all and that the older she gets the worse this will get. I love her and I want to be a good stepmom to her but he makes it hard. I know none of this is her fault. Its just what he allows her to get away with. I know its hard to lay the law. What should I do? Is it just me being a jealous bug or do I make valid point?


KeepsGettingBetter's picture

She is only 4 and I was still watching and helping my SS change when he was 4. Sometimes he would put his clothes on back the front or shoes on the wrong foot, silly things that a 4 year old would do. In saying that though I don't think that a 4 year old needs to watch 2 or 3, movies before she goes to sleep either.
Maybe you need to sit doen with your man and come up with rules that all the children must follow not just yours and not just his but everyone and the same puishment if any of the rules are broken.
Your BF needs to be the one to slowly put her back in line otherwise you look like the bad person and that relationship is harder to fix rather than a father daughter relationship.

It doesn't seem like you are jealous, it seems more like you are frustrated that he undermines you and also that he doesn't see how giving her all she wants could be bad for his little girl.

If you don't nip this in the bud now with your BF then you could have some major issues as his litlle princess gets older and her demands become a lot bigger then just asking for a snack after not eating her vegies.

disgusted's picture

Boy does your story sound familiar..Dh and I got together when the StepBrat was four...He used to do all the same stuff only the Stepbrat wasn't expected to dress herself, wipe her own butt, or feed herself at 4 and she didn't have to have to eat fruit or veggies at all..She lived on a study diet of grilled cheese and chicken soup....He and his gene pool did everything for her ,at all times, like she was an infant!! It was truly nauseating...

It was a disgusting display to watch how this little tyrant ran all the adults around her and made all her rules and theres because Heaven forbid she should CRY!! If she would even whimper all the adults would fall all over themselves and practically break an ankle scrambling to accomodate her..

Today, at 12, she is a manipulative, conniving, malicious, lazy, snotty, rude, spoiled, disrespectful, irresponsible, pathological liar. I absolutley despise her to the point that even hearing her voice irritates me and I don't even look at her unless it can't be avoided..All thanks to DH and his family catering to her and babying her all those years.

Your not being jealous..Your being realistic about the present and the future. Your concerns for her and how she will turn out is 150% valid. And I feel very sorry for you and your kids if DH doesn't get a grip and stop babying and catering to her like she is royalty..He is truly creating a monster..

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted

SM#1's picture

I'd run for the hills! I was in your position years ago, my H has since changed a lot BUT 90% of the women on this sites DH have NOT changed. If I could go back in time I would go back to when I first met my H and tell myself to run. I love my H and our son together but if I could do it over knowing what I do now.....