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Vent SS20 Nothing we say matters

always_anxious's picture

No matter how many conversations SO has with SS20, it doesn't matter. SO wants to be hard on SS, but he doesn't know how.  I just had an officer show up at my door. Hands me a fake id cut up in a small ziplock and says this was confiscated from a local liquor store. This visit is to make you aware if you want to have a coversation with him. I shook his hand and thanked him. I'm sure my face said - been here before.  

IF this was an isolated incident, I wouldn't be exasperated. He has shown time and time again he won't stop drinking. I confronted him months ago and told him he's an alcoholic. He denied denied denied. Cried to get his dad to sympathize. To get caught this much, you either have to be stupid or really doing a lot of stuff you shouldn't. 

I worry constantly about BS7. I will never allow this much casualness and allow these things to be "sorry" and move on. SS pretends to be doing the right things. He fakes. He's gone a lot sometimes with his friends or girlfriend, and sometimes he's home. Except for phone and living rent free, we don't pay for anything else. No school, no extra money, not even food. If I'm making dinner, he can eat too. I don't buy anything extra, even when he hints or acts pissy. He's working full time and going to college part time. He's where he should be, because he put himself there. He's been talking about wanting to go back full time in a year- I just nod and smile. I tell SO, SS needs to be out, but he can't pull the trigger. 

My only repreive is that SS has been at his girlfriend's a lot. I mostly just greet him  when I see him and that's it 



thinkthrice's picture

Welcome back!!!

always_anxious's picture

I can never stay away. Its never ending. Thank god SD23 is many states away. She has her own issues, but I can be away from them. 

captjacksprrw's picture

Ouch.  I am so glad neither of my SS had that issue.  He has to be in for the change or it will never work.  IF he will give AA 30 days that is awesome.  If not, see if he will read "This Naked Mind" which makes a great deal of sense

always_anxious's picture

I may take a look at that one. Interesting, thank you!

Kes's picture

Hi AA, sorry to hear about this.  Does your DH still work away a lot of the time?  What is his response to the shennanigans of SS?    Almost certainly this young man is an alcoholic - is his father in denial as well as SS?  It must be tiring and demoralising to have to constantly deal with this.   Try not to worry too much about BS7.  He has a great mother and a stable home life, you can be fairly confident that SS's influence on him is not as great as you fear.   Sending you a cyber hug xxx

always_anxious's picture

Actually SO is living back with us again. He took a lower grade job to stay in our city and likes it better. SO isn't in denial, he's just more of the "I don't have time to devote to this grown child's issues." Its sad to say it, but its SOs view. Both BM and her husband drank a lot, so its normalized for the skids. SO and I are considered "uptight" and "freak out" about what SS and BM consider normal behavior. 

SOs made attemps to come down on SS after each incident, but SS reverts to the same behavior eventually. After I told him yesterday he says, we have to make sure the consequence is severe enough to get a message accross, but not be unrealistic. Honestly though, its the maintenance. He will talk to him for hours, go through consenquences then everything is ok for a while. After SS gets comfortable, then we see some alcohol issue rear its head again. I explained this to SO and told him I don't know why we would even bother at this point. SS needs to just get out on his own, but SO is worried he won't finish what he needs to for a stable career. I just don't know how to tell him it doesn't matter. So once again, I wait to be right again. 


bearcub25's picture

There really is nothing your SO can do until SS decides he wants to stop drinking.  My own son was a drug addict and with tough love, he was able to pull himself together.   I kicked him out and refused to help him financially until he started helping himself.

I do think that since he is an adult, he should be shown the door and told to figure it out and get his head together.