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I just can't with SS20

always_anxious's picture

So, my last post came to fruition. The tension between SS, SO and myself came to a head. The entitlement, the boldness, the victim all reared thier heads. SS dropped out of a college last year where he had a grant and loan to get him through school. He partied too much. We still don't have the full story, but he left mid 2nd semester admitting he was drinking and doing hard drugs.  In the last 6-8 months, SS has been coming home sometimes (not all) smelling like pot or seemingly intoxicated / high. He carries eye drops with him. He has a pocket scale. He hid beer in his room. He acts like we are the assholes, because we don't help pay for school or have dinner for him. We're "strict" because we dont' allow underage drinking and drug use in our home /s.

The last straw, SS sold a large shelving unit we bought for his room when we let him move back in. He said he had no money. That he has medical bills and ran up his cards, and he can't keep up with tuition. He has no gas money. Ok here- YYou pay for your own school because you f-ed up at the old one and lost your grants, bad choice #1. You have medical bills because you were at a party drinking (underage at someone's parents house) and another guest invited to that home sucker punched you (your story), bad choice #2. YYou continue your "recreational" drinking and whatever else AND going on spring break for a week, despite knowing you are broke, bad choice #3. You don't  have dinner sitting here waiting, because you disrepect me and my home by getting drunk in your room and coming home high, bad choice #4.  So, how do you handle that? you act pissy and disrespectful to me and SO. You act rude and jealous of BS6. You act like you can do whatever you want here????!!!!!

After I told SO about the furniture, he was livid. He yelled, talked, and lectured SS for two hours. I sat for 30 minutes and I couldn't handle it.  All of it was bullshit. He was offended when I told him I thought he was an addict. He's "only a recreational user" and "You guys freak out".  He said his behavior is because he's in huge debt from school and he can't handle never having any money. He made excuse after excuse and never wanted to take ownership of all the poor decisions he made. I went to the bedroom and just sat listning to the nonsense. I was done. Just done. You cannot lecture sense into someone. SO actually was trying. He spelled everything out, he pushed SS to discuss what his next steps need to be. He said out loud all of the hard truths. YOUR choices got you here, YOU did these things. Life isn't handed to you. Making SS answer what SS thinks he should be thinking about doing now moving forward. SO really tried.  SO  was firm that we are not paying for school. After 2 hours of SS crying and the lecture, you know what SS asked at the very end? 2 questions - Are you going to pay for BS6's college? and Am I kicked out?


And to top it all off, SO didn't make him leave. He did tell him if we get one whiff of any drug or alcohol use, he's gone. SO and I had a converation after and I had to give my hard truth. In 3 months we are going to be right back here again, so then what are you going to do?


SteppedOut's picture

I wouldn't want my young child raised in a home with all that nonsense going on. No freakin way.

always_anxious's picture

Nope. Neither do I. I am careful to shield right now. Until this works out the way it needs to. 

Harry's picture

He will not be living long with you.  Make get a job pay rent. Keep his room clean ect. And make sure your SO keeps his word about if going drugs he’s out He already has a second chance. No third and fourth or fifth 

always_anxious's picture

SO told him he has to work more. We'll see. I think that you are right and he'll mess up again sooner rather than later. 

StepUltimate's picture

... with zero notice and your husband in the bathroom with SS watching to make sure SS doesn't cheat.

$30 at local drugstore for multi-drug tests, or $18 for the marijuana-only test. They work GREAT.

Good luck. 

always_anxious's picture

Definately need to get these. His use isn't going to change though. Only that he can't get caught here. 

momjeans's picture

Ugh. This won’t be the last of it. It never is, so be prepared.

I went through this with my own adult bio son at this age and I had none of it. I kicked him out, and it was the last he ever lived with me. 

Between me and his dad, we financially (first + deposit) got him into an apartment and told him to sink or swim. 

always_anxious's picture

I agree. I already told SO, when we are right back here again, are you going to follow through? I'll have to do it. 

Kes's picture

Hi always-anxious, I'm so sorry to hear about this.   I have experience of addiction behaviour, and to me, there is no doubt at all that your SS is an addict. He will have sold his shelving unit for drug money. 

Unfortunately, as long as he is enabled to continue, he will.  He is an adult and needs to face the consequences of his own choices.  Don't let him live with you any longer, its not working and ultimately it won't help him either.  

always_anxious's picture

Kes, you should have seen it. He coudn't stand that I called him an addict. His dad stopped short of it. SS won't even look or speak to me now. Because I know. Unfortunately, SO gave him yet another chance.