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The delusions continue

AlmostGone834's picture

During a discussion this morning on The Skunk Ape (BM), who is up visiting her son, I said to DH that I wonder how she can afford to take the time off from her server job (given that she is always on the verge of homelessness). He responded that she has always been very “impulsive” and that she “made a lot of really dumb decisions” so he is not surprised. He also guessed that she is likely trying to worm her work her way into moving in with her son so she can sponge off of him. 


Then, in the next breath, he said he was glad that Little Idiot (SD22.5) was a hard worker and intelligent unlike her mom. I really had to bite my tongue. If he only knew about the debt she is in, the lies she’s told, and the hole she dug herself into with her college. He still has delusions of grandeur when it comes to her future. I’ve come to realize that some parents (and my DH is one of them) simply will never take off the rose-colored glasses so I don’t bother saying anything to him anymore. It’s like he sees her failures as HIS failures and he can’t accept them nor does he want to accept mediocrity. 


I wonder what he would do if he knew she was looking for full-time employment? Since the Coast Guard fell through, he has been banking on her excelling in college. She has been applying to various full-time jobs - all to the tune of $80k+ a year and none of which she is qualified for (we are talking jobs that are requiring engineering degrees, phDs, experience running entire labs etc). She hasn’t even passed her first chemistry course and is retaking it - it’s not like she is anywhere near graduation. Apparently she has also applied to a few insurance sales positions which tout earnings of over $100k, but are pretty much all commission-based. 


I have no idea what she thinks she is doing. It makes no sense to me unless she didn’t even bother to read the job requirements or she really thinks she can fool them into hiring her with an associates degree in general studies. 


Also, WHAT would happen to college? The courses she’s taking cannot be taken online now and if she is struggling just working 10-12 hrs a week, how will she ever pass working full time? Or is this where she drops out?


NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

hard to get out of and stop her from things she wants in life like buying a house with the debt she has acquired and the income to debt ratio. I would say I am surprised she was able to get a new car, but new cars are easier to get financing for then a later model or used, but probably a stupid high interest rate.

I am all for sometimes applying for a job you might be a little under qualified for or something you think you might not get, BUT when doing so usually have degrees or experience to make up for the gap. It is horrible she is outright lying on her resume. Some people embellish on their resume to stand out, but I don't even do that because I don't want to present myself as someone I am not.

I wouldn't be surprised if sooner or later she ends up on either ex step dad's doorstep or yours. I am pretty sure you and your DH almost ended your marriage over SD living with you so I hope he is SUPER clear that it really is not an option ever again. I remember reading you telling him such, but I hope he takes it seriously. Also, correct me if I am wrong on any of this!

AlmostGone834's picture

Oh yes either I'm out of the loop or the payment is very high for what she got. (DH is great at the car dealership. He researches cars for months, finds the best deal, comes in prepared with the math and what he thinks he can get it for and what the trade in is worth, then battles with the sales guy and finance manager for hours until he gets what he wants.) She should have sought his help when car shopping but then, I doubt she wanted him poo pooing whatever car she wanted because it was a terrible deal. 

She can go back to ex Step-Dads. I've tried living with her twice since she graduated and I told DH never again. She laid in bed all day, tried to get let go from her job and bugged off every shift she could, went on spending sprees with all her money, burned a hole in her carpet, smashed the glass out of the back door (always careless), half-a any chore we tried to give her (weaponized incompetence), lied, was waited on hand and foot ... I could go on. Nope. The marriage would be over and DH knows that and since he also knows who butters his biscuits, he's not going under for her.

She can declare bankruptcy, get a place with some roommates, find another bf to leech off of, move in with ex step dad, The Skunk Ape or her brother or figure it out on her own. I tried to help her sort her life twice and she just does what she wants. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Ahhh, the delusions of a parent. 

LI had taken a hard path. Instead of just doing to work to have a good life, she is lying and manipulating and looking for some magical "little effort- high reward" job. Life doesn't normally work that way, she probably won't ever see it, get rich quick people rarely do. They just struggle and blame others. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Yup, that it how she is. All through high school she lied and her grades were amazing (and DH just blindly believed her) then comes graduation and time for the academy and suddenly her grades aren't good enough, her SAT score isn't good enough and here we are placed in remedial 8th grade math at the community college. 

I think she's high-hoping someone will just hire her for a great job in the field then she can come home to DuH and tell him she's graduated with a forensic degree and  "oh and look what a great job I have"

Winterglow's picture

The more I hear about this the more I find it worrying. Don't you think it's worth one last attempt to sit him down (in a public place, a restaurant maybe? And you keep the car keys on you so he can't storm off) and explain reality to him (not that he'll listen but ...). What I worry about is his reaction when he does eventually find out (sooner or later this whole situation is going to blow up) and he decides it's all your fault (it isn't) for not telling him sooner. At least, you can say you tried. I fear this could cost your marriage if you don't. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Knowing DH like I do, I have no worries about him ever being mad at me for not saying anything. I have brought up a few things in the past and he has always said something to the effect of "She knows what she is doing, I'm sure" or "It's her life. She's an adult now" etc. I've also learned that the only thing saying anything does do is cause a fight between us. He would of course be reminded of these things if he ever tried to blame me for not saying anything.  

Winterglow's picture

Glad to hear it. I can hardly believe that he has so many delusions - does he never actually converse with his daughter at all? Does he take no interest in her life beyond what he dreams of?

AlmostGone834's picture

He rarely talks to her. There's the usual "Happy birthday/Happy Father's Day" single text but that's all. She comes up 1-2x/year and we talk like normal "how is school?" Etc then it's radio silence for the other 48ish weeks out of the year. Before I came along there was a lot of withholding and probably some PAS going on but really he just never wanted a child and has fulfilled his minimum obligations with her. He does however like to praise her accomplishments but I've come to see it's more himself he is praising when he does it.

Winterglow's picture

Do you think it's possible that all of the lying and embellishing could be her way if trying to get his attention, if not his approbation?

AlmostGone834's picture

It's possible... but I think it's about more than just him. When she lived with us, she had this annoying habit of always fishing for compliments (and not just from him). I think she has a preoccupation with her looks and she desperately wants to be seen as someone who is intelligent and very successful (but she doesn't want to put the hard work in) - which is why she won't settle for a major that she can handle. She will continue to struggle until she absolutely can't anymore. I think underneath her outwardly confident appearance, she's very insecure and perhaps some of that has come from her father. More likely though it has come from the Skunk Ape- BM herself has shown signs of doing the same thing. Most her life she has either worked as a server or stayed home on the couch. Throughout the years however there have been grand plans of becoming a real estate agent, a paralegal, a restaurant manager etc. Always these tales of higher ambitions that never come to fruition. 

caninelover's picture

DH now sees that Bratty is immature and not the uber responsible super star he bragged about all the time when she was in college.  So, the rose colored glasses don't really come off but they do dim over time when reality inevitably sets in.

I know what you mean about not saying anything because it would lead to a fight.  Both DH and I agree that he only shares need to know info with me about Bratty anymore.  It's really best that way for our relationship.