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Thoughts after a long week.

AlmostGone83's picture

Its been a few days now since Little Idiot dropped the tuition bomb in our laps. We fought for two days and I’ve been angry/sad/frustrated/confused/a million other emotions all week. I think today was the first day I’be actually calmed down some. I talked to my mom. She’s always been my rock and my best friend. I’ve also been reading about other people on here, not commenting much because I have been feeling low this week. Just reading about the situations others are in. And lastly I’ve done a lot of thinking about my life and how good/bad I’ve really got it.

I’ve been trying to come to peace with Little Idiot and all of her shenanigans and with Big Idiot and all of his faults. 

Here are my thoughts on everything:

1. I don’t really have it that bad. I have a nice home, a solid business that is half mine, and a husband who I get along with most of the time. His daughter isn’t even around much and I can understand him wanting to help her even though she is a F up. I don’t know if she will ever change. I lot of my anger is actually fear that she will turn out just like her mother and instead of years of peace it will be drama. 

2. My husband has a temper and is definitely not the push over type. I get frustrated with him a lot. On the other hand he is a generous man. He does love me, even when we are having problems. He shows me affection. More affection than I show him. He is hard working and would never cheat on me.  We do laugh and have fun together. We also have times where we fight. I think everyone does though.

3. I respect my mother’s opinions and she knows he’s a good man. She said she knows how I feel and she agrees with me but also wanted me to try to see his side. She as a parent knows how badly you want to see your kids succeed and help them when they fail. She told me to not be so hard on him. Although she didn’t say it, I know she would think I was making a mistake if we were to divorce.

4. I’m a fighter. I have a temper too and I don’t like to back down. I can build a mountain out of a mole hill on nothing but pure spite power if I have to. I also don’t give up easily. 

5. $700 isn’t going to put us in the poor house. We can afford it but it comes out of our savings. It can’t keep happening though. Big Idiot says it’s a one time thing. I’m not sure if I believe him. 

In other news, this whole thing has only helped my weight loss. There is nothing like marital problems to help with a diet.  I’m down about 15 lbs now and I still have quite a bit more to go to get down to where I was when I met him. The funny thing is that he doesn’t like me losing weight. He even blamed what he called my new “combativeness” on me “not being able to eat what I want”. Whatever the f that means. I feel so much better. I’ve been eating a lot of vegetables, and actually enjoying them for the first time ever. He said he prefers me heavier (I guess I should feel lucky) but I said I wasn’t happy with myself. 

Anyway I just thought I’d share some of the thoughts running through my head this week. I still have a lot of processing to go through.


Chmmy's picture

Since she is not there you can ignore the shenanigans. I know you like to keep tabs on her to see #1 where your money is going #2 if she is going to try to come back. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

AlmostGone83's picture

That is a fear of mine. I’m not sure what will make my life happier... keeping tabs and worrying or ignoring, worrying about what I don’t know, and just getting steamrolled when it happens... I guess it will happen either way so why drive myself crazy over it. I was hoping to be prepared so I could potentially do damage control but I don’t think that even works.

Chmmy's picture

Id rather be informed than steam rolled for sure. I literally go through my husband's phone to see what's going on with the skids...I mean what is wrong with me! I never look at conversations with women from work or anyone else, just the SDs to see if there is any info I need to know. I manipulate situations to get what I want. It is an effect of living with these people that Ive become manipulative. A survival technique is a dramatic way of putting it.

AlmostGone83's picture

I’m the same way and while it’s given me anxiety to some extent, it has also saved my butt on more than one occasion. There’s nothing wrong with you. If you don’t find things out for yourself, no one bothers to tell you. 

stepmomunderpressure's picture

On your faults list.. #3 mom was my rock when she was alive and ol what I would give to have her here again to talk to . Im so glad you still have yours


yes good ol stress guaranteed to cause weight right there with you



Chmmy's picture

At least you have us. Honestly i sometimes wish i didn't bring my mom into this cuz now she doesn't like the skids. Although she quietly disliked them a little before i opened up

AlmostGone83's picture

Yes it’s been swept under the rug. Big Idiot went through a period of anger (about 5 hours) a period of depression (1 night) and now seems to be fine with the whole thing. I’m sure it will surface again when she visits in December but for now he is acting like nothing happened. It will only be trotted out as an excuse when she does something wrong, I’m sure.

Chmmy's picture

Maybe DH realizes it's fake. I dont remember all of the details but it was a friend's brother and he raped her yet she let him back the next day to rape her again...what? Even DH has to see the holes in that story. Who invites their rapist back for a visit?

AlmostGone83's picture

It was a friend’s brother but no she didn’t invite this twerp back over. That was another poster. Little Idiot is still friends with his sister though and refuses to go to the police or do anything.

SteppedOut's picture

5. It can't keep happening though. Not sure if I believe him.

So, what if it does? How many chances are you going to give him? You already feel it would be hard to untangle due to the business... if a couple more years go by (and it isnt "a one time thing") it would be more difficult. 

I think you should draw HARD and FIRM boundries with youe husband in regards to him beimg able to unilaterally decide to throw money into a vacuum in relation to his daughter. "But it's my kid" has gone on long enough. 

Long term stress is a silent killer...of mind, spirit and body.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

We're only people behind keyboards, and we have only the narrowest view of what transpires in your steplife. Still, it really, really bothers me that your H is willing to sacrifice your savings in order to keep enabling the crazy.

To be fair, so much DRAMA happens with these spoiled, stunted kids between the age of 18 & 21 -...45? Lol. These poorly parented, willful, entitled, and stunted young adults get out in the "real world" and want all of the freedom, but still expect their weak parents to keep subsidizing them. For those who dream of a beautiful life when the skids turn 18, yours is a cautionary tale. Please keep standing up for your self, your marriage, and your GD retirement, before your H squanders it all on his screwy daughter. And please, please start squirreling away some money just for you.


Harry's picture

As well spent to keep her in FL.   But you have to start making sure that LI does not bleed you dry.    You knew DH had a child and was responsible to pay some of her bills.  Some college are $25,000 and $50, 000 a year $700 is getting off cheap.  

Just make a list as. Car, marriage grand kids. House.  You know thing thing are coming up.  You have to going to have to deal with these issues someday. 

lala-land's picture

It seems that this request for cash was presented as an emergency when in fact it was not.  My stepkids used to do this all of the time, until I got my DH to agree to some basic ways of handling these situations.  The stepkids as adults would often sign up for expensive courses, often with BM helping them do so.  This was done months in advance with no communication with my DH and the day before tuition was due the emergency phone calls would start.  By making it an emergency my DH had no time to evaluate the request and this was part of their plan.  We have now communicated to all of the stepkids that if they expect us to pay for anything, then they must discuss it with us prior to them registering for anything and we will let them know after consideration whether or not we would pay for their latest ideas.  We also told them that we would not pay for any emergencies that they created through their own lack of planning. For us, that has solved many of the emergency problems.  In your case would your DH have paid this $700 expense if he had been given advance notice of your SD plans and situation?

futurobrillante99's picture

Great advice!!

I think this would be something to tell your DH, AlmostGone. Let him know that helping SD is fine by you, BUT no more last minute requests that happen as a result of poor planning or problems she created.

AND, I would make it clear that your savings is not his personal slush fund. The next time he dips into it without talking to you, things will have to change. He'll have to create his own personal savings account and keep his hands out of the marital savings account.