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The promises of our husbands

AlmostGone83's picture

One thing that I have learned (the hard way) is that the promises of our husbands mean very little. Tonight as we were discussing plans for a little idiot (SD 19.5) to move out when she graduates in the spring next year, BI began to balk, just as you all said he would. You were right ladies. What he said and what he really planned were two completely different things. I brought up the fact that little idiot might have to have a roommate if she couldn't afford rent on her own with an Associates degree.

well ... you would've thought that I suggested she live underneath a bridge with the homeless people. God for bid precious Poopsie have to share a living space. Now it has become that we will help her get a good job, which to be honest I have no idea what that means or if it's feasible with an associates in criminal justice. 

So we got into it again. And I told him that I'm doing my own thing from now on living my life on my terms. His only response was that that would potentially do damage to our relationship. To this I screamed at him that he never thought about the damage his daughter would do to our marriage so why should I care?

im sure there will be an update soon...


AlmostGone83's picture

ETA: he seems to have changed his tune a bit .. now saying that the deadline still stands but "we can at least be supportive of her and tell her we will help her"

AlmostGone83's picture

That's what I told him. That I don't trust ANYTHING he says as "the terms have changed apparently- it's clear by his reaction". He stubbornly maintains that they havent - don't believe him!

SteppedOut's picture

The longer this carries on, the more difficult it will be to untangle. 

I'm sorry. It really really is time to cut bait. Seriously, I know it's hard and you may take something of a loss. BUT, the gains in peace and removal of CONSTANT stress will be so worth it. 

BethAnne's picture

What 20-odd year old can afford to live on thier own???? why wouldn't a 20 something person want to live with a roommate...aka..a friend, I had a great time on the whole living with roomates in my 20's. Sure, sometimes there was a little friction, but overall it was great. 

AlmostGone83's picture

She doesn't have any friends here in NY. She has trouble making friends. It takes her a long time to befriend anyone. Her one friend in FL she had for like 5 years (the married one whose brother allegedly raped her, causing their friendship to dissolve). She had one friend come up from FL over the holiday break but she is back there now and she is only 17 and still in high school. 

BethAnne's picture

Many of my room mates did not start out as friends but friendships developed when we lived together. I moved in with "strangers" many times and the majority were lovely people and if not, they were at least decent enough people to live with. I don't think I had any nightmare roommates. 

Living with someone is a great way to get to know them. I'm sure she will be fine. 

BethAnne's picture

If he wants to help her get a job then he should be starting on that now.

He needs to be on her case to use the resources and courses available at the college carrers department. I know when I went to college they had a ton of useful courses.

He should be on at her to get relevent internships, ideally her part time job should be relevent to her course of study. 

He should be on at her to join a relevent professional organization for networking and learning purposes. He should be using his networks to help find contacts for her and getting her to ask them questions about working in the field.

She should be talking with her professors of her favorate courses about oportunities that exist using that knoweldge and those skills - if they are any good at all they will know what the state of play is for jobs in your area and have some useful suggestions.

She should be attending careers fairs this year, even if she is not going to be applying until next year so that she can get to know what options are around and talk to organizations that excite her about which courses they like to see on a resume and what grades they expect. They may also offer summer or part time internships. 

If she graduates next spring, now is the time to start thinking about jobs and careers and how to get one. If he wants to help he should be guiding her to start making some in-roads into this. 

ITB2012's picture

It's not SD that's causing problems in your marriage, it's your DH and specifically how he's handling his daughter that's causing problems in your marriage.

I say until he fixes the problems he's causing that you do your own thing just like you said. (And I personally would say that very thing to him.)

thinkthrice's picture

she is the spitten image of Chef's ferals.  She should drop out now and become a beautician.  Then she can room with her co-workers and it will be like a giant sleepover.

BI will never change.  He only wants you to bend over backwards until you break. He is not willing to budge one inch and never has been.

ndc's picture

Big Idiot is an idiot.  How do you "help her get a good job?"  Especially if she only has an associates degree in criminal justice.  Unless you and BI have incredible connections, what can you do other than give her the advice a prior poster mentioned - job fairs, good grades, internships, networking, ECs in her field, etc.?  I suspect, as do you, that he left out some important words, and what he really means is "help (i.e., support) her during the excessively long period of time it will take her to finish school and get a good job."

You've seen Little Idiot in action.  You know from the Coast Guard shit show how little drive she has.  You know that if she doesn't have the personality to make friends, she certainly doesn't have the personality to network and connect with those who can help her on her career path.  And eventually, when it's clear to everyone, and not just you, that Little Idiot is not going to be launching on the schedule Big Idiot has deluded himself into thinking she's on (or maybe he's not at all delusional and is just flat out lying to you), Big Idiot is going to prioritize his Little Idiot.  You're just delaying the inevitable at this point. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Associates in criminal justice? Send her to the police academy.....

i agree with the above poster who said he is just buying time to keep you quiet and when it’s time to act he doesn’t. 

My DH is the same way.SD is almost 17 and I told him that she needs to get her damn license so he can stop driving her and her boyfriend all over for hours each day.....he keeps saying oh yeah by such and such date she will have it.....those dates pass by. If I bring it up again he acts like I’m asking for her to be sent to military’s a freaking drivers license.

agitated's picture

I think our husbands are the same man. My SD17 (18 in August) does not even have a permit. DH never pushes (or forces) her to get it. He will ASK if she has been studying for the test, and her response is always no, and that is where the conversation ends. She needs to pass her ELA exam next month to graduate, which more than likely won't happen; therefore, she will not recieve a HS diploma only a certificate of completion. Howerver, DH is starting to realize the error of his ways (I've been telling him since she was in 2nd grde that her math and reading skills needed help) and told me he really hopes she goes to live with BM after HS because he doesn't know what to do with her (approx 130 days from now BTW!!!!). It is a very sad situation and I feel I may be in the same position as the OP very soon. I will not stick around and raise a loser skidult though. I will be gone faster that you can blink an eye. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Same here! I have already laid the foundation that there will be NO adults living in our home other than DH And I. I've taken it a step further to let DH know that we will be moving and majorly downsizing our home and there will NOT be any extra kids will launch and go to college with no problem......I honestly think his kids will be 30 before they do anything.

And it is MY house that we all live in, so if he doesn't like my plan. We can both move to separate locations and he can coddle his kids until the day he dies if he wishes...........but I will not have any part of it....nor will I continque to expose our shared child to the nonsense.

Mountains's picture

So sorry BI is starting to back pedal less than a month into the semester.  I guess if you want LI to launch, BI has to launch with her at the same ....

tog redux's picture

What's this WE have to help her? YOU have been the ONLY one helping her.  I'd stop doing that, personally, and let him know that he's welcome to take over.  Hell, he can't even contact her without you because he won't get hearing aids and "doesn't like" to text.  You've been the only one making any effort to help this girl.

I guess you have a tough decision to make. 


advice.only2's picture

So you stood your ground and he turned it around on you, making it appear that if you aren't with him you are against him and that will end badly for very mature of him.

You need to be good on your word and just start living your life for you and don't enable him and his daughter anymore. Watch how he self destructs when it's all on him and he can't blame everything on you.

I know because my DH did the same thing when I stopped enabling him and his Spawn. He accused me of hating him, or having an affair, of abandoning our marriage and our children. I stood my ground and in less than a year he was at his wits end and packed Spawn off to live with her maternal grandmother and had the awakening of what a sh@t parent he had been and how horribly he had treated me and our children.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I remember a year in college there were SIX of us in a two bedroom apartment... YUP, three per room. And we managed just fine! He needs to stop spoiling her! She may just have to suck it up and have a roommate!

thinkthrice's picture

Not sure what county you live in but in my county (in NY) you can become a corrections officer at 18 right out of high school.  In fact a Sgt told me there that she wished she had done that INSTEAD of pursuing a degree as they can retire in 20 years!

So once she gets a "good job" then what?  She'll quit job after job because someone looked at her sideways, she doesn't "feel" like working, it's raining, out etc etc and then you're back to square one again.  She will never be permanently employed as she has become accustomed to others supporting her and not having to put any effort in.

BI will be in his eighties still supporting LI as she gets ready to pull his life support machine to charge her smartphone

justmakingthebest's picture

I was going to suggest corrections officer as well. Some counties/city's have something like "police aid" that can come on to the force before 21 but they don't' carry a weapon. They do mostly motorist assistance, traffic help, community outreach kinds of things. BUT that would get her foot in the door and I want to say they complete a large portion of the academy training to do it.

Siemprematahari's picture

Allowing her back was a huge mistake. Your H never had intentions on keeping his promise to you. He's going to drag this out and keep buying his time because you allow it. I feel for you AlmostGone~ and you seem to have a high tolerance for all this bullshit your H sells you. I can't even be upset with his daughter, its your H and he will continue to manipulate and lie in order to keep her in the home and enable all the nonsense that comes your way.


ESMOD's picture

I know it's not your job to help her find employment.  However, I do have a suggestion that might be in her field of work and may not even require a degree. 

911 operator/Communications Officer.  My OSD did this and I think it paid a decent salary.. not huge money.. but it was enough for her to have an apartment and cover her bills. (she didn't have a car payment).

She had a lot of time off because it was a rolling shift schedule and so she would have super long weekends regularly.  Some night work.. but she would go sleep at the


justmakingthebest's picture

I saw an add her for a nearby city that paid $18/hr for 911 operator. I would have just about killed for that salary at 19-20-21...25. LOL

agitated's picture

I am currently working toward my BS in Criminal Justice and got an email from my program advisor today that the Mesa, AZ PD is looking to hire and will only accept  the frist 800 applications. 

Copy and Pasted:

I hope all is going well!  I’m Sergeant Dave Jenkins and I’m the Recruiting Sergeant for the Mesa Police Department (Arizona).  I wanted to let you know, we are actively recruiting for the Mesa Police Department and are looking to hire several police officers in the near future.

Furthermore, I wanted to let you know, the Mesa Police Department will be accepting Police Officer Recruit applications until February 24, 2020!  Applicants will need to first apply online and if they meet minimum qualifications, we will invite them to our Physical Fitness and Written test, which is scheduled for March 7, 2020.  We will only be taking the first 800 online applications, so it will be best if they apply early.  Can you please share this information to as many people and committees as you can, who may have an interest in becoming a Mesa Police Officer.  Many of these applications will be processed for our April and July Academy classes scheduled in 2020.

They can go to our website or contact us at for more information.  Also, here is a link to our current recruiting video:  

If you have any questions, my contact information is attached.


 Sgt. Dave Jenkins #14387

Mesa PD Recruiting

O: 480-644-2236

C: 480-710-5854


sammigirl's picture

Yes the excuses seem to pop up, the closer the deadline.

Stick to your boundaries.

The only thing I would do different; don't tell DH your plans of action, just take action on moving forward as needed.  Your survival is to have a plan, but I never let my DH know the plan.  

Keep your stand and "walk the talk" girl!

Stand on the deadline.  Hugs!