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Opinions please.... BM and her clan using our Netflix

AlmostGone83's picture

So Little Idiot (SD21) gave The Skunk Ape (BM) our Netflix password. Now I didn't mind. I knew she had it and it wasn't going to be a hill for me to die on but now.... I can't log in and watch it because "too many devices are using it right now". That is the error message I get. They limit you to 4. We pay $15/month for the service. 
 

You can see the devices using it and all are from down in the Skunk Ape state. So it's all people that Little Idiot gave our password to. DH and I are at odds about what to do.

He is of the opinion that it's no big deal. Of course, he doesn't ever watch Netflix. I do. So of course it's no big deal to him! He is also of the opinion that he doesn't do very much for little idiot (true, we only pay for her cell phone and that is about the extent of the bills that we pay for her. We also give her generous birthday and Christmas gifts) and he doesn't want to upset her. He thinks she will be upset if she has to tell her mom she can't use our Netflix anymore after she gave her the password.

I am if the opinion that I have no problem with HER having using our account but BM shouldn't be mooching off us. Little Idiot doesn't even live with her. BM and her other kids are using up our streaming. He thinks I am being petty?

Am I?

Comments

1dad4kids's picture

Give SD a Visa gift card for $185 and let her pay for her own Netflix for a year. Change your password afterwards. 

I have like 4 billion people who share my Netflix, in fact it's not even mine it's my brother's. We don't get that notification but we have the big package. 

notarelative's picture

No. You are not being petty. It wasn't hers to give out.

You have options. You could change your password right now. Or log in to the main account and remove the devices of the unauthorized users. If you remove the devices, what are their options? Complain to you that they have lost access to what they are stealing. Yes, they will use the password again, but if you keep removing them, it should stop. If it doesn't then change the password.

I'm petty though. I'd change the password and tell LI that if she gives it to anyone, I'll change again and not give it to her.   And I'd follow through. At that point if BI wants to pay for her Netflix usage, it can come out of his individual money - not joint money.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Nopity nope. These people have no pride whatsoever, do they?

Don't say another word. Just change the damn password.

caninelover's picture

Or tell DH the Netflix bill is 100 percent his responsibility, then sign up for your own and don't share.

It's ridiculous that you can't watch because his EX is using it.

SO tried to move the Netflix bill to our joint expenses and I said no way unless he was willing to kick Bratty off.  He said no so I said great then I'm freeloading it too and enjoy the bill each month SO Smile

It wasn't the money but the principle of the thing for me.

advice.only2's picture

Good Christ who pays the bill on Netflix?!? If it's you cut the leeches off and tell your ball less DH to kick rocks.  

AlmostGone83's picture

We have combined finances unfortunately ... 1 personal joint bank account (separate from our joint business account) from which all bills get paid

caninelover's picture

I recall that you both work on the business but it wouldn't hurt to have a seperate SMALL 'salary' for each of you to have some mad money to spend as you see fit.  In situations like this he can use his mad money to pay for LI's netflix and you could use yours to pay for your own account.

Just a thought.

Jcksjj's picture

I would severely annoyed. Also sharing it with them feels kind of icky, because its like they're all your family or something. And you can see what shows everyone has watched recently, not super personal but kind of weird. Tell them to go watch imdb or another free app if they can't afford like $10 a month or whatever it is for Netflix

KC is not the stepmother's picture

I would kick them all off and change the password, and I wouldn't mention it to DH unless he asks. 

BethAnne's picture

Play dumb. Change the password. When LI complains tell her that you think the account was hacked as you were denied access as too many devices were online at once, so you changed the password. Up to you if you give her the new password or not. 

ndc's picture

Change the password. Your Netflix is not supposed to be shared beyond your household. LI was a member of your household so it makes sense that she had your password. She shouldn't have given it out without your permission, and now you're violating the terms of service.  If she asks, tell her you couldn't watch because too many devices were in use, so you figured unauthorized people had your password and it needed to be changed.  I'm sure your H will give her the new password, but let her know it'll be changed again if it's given out and others are using it.  She will know that you'll know if she gives it out, so maybe she won't.  If she does, change it again and don't tell H what it is. 

Winterglow's picture

Please deal with this ASAP. Where I live, Netflix is going after people who are not in the same household using the same access (and it's blatant with yours). It could cost you a lot of money if they do that in the US too. Change the password today.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

If your husband pays for it, then dont bother, just create a new account and pay for it yourself and dont share it with anyone. If your husband is paying for it, it is very likely that he wants his stupid kids to benefit from it and enjoy it and doesnt care about your needs (thats just how these bio parents are, their kids come first) 

If you are paying or contributing to it, then change the pw and delete the profiles of the kids and BMs immediately....if husband complains, just tell him to get a new subscription for his kids and his ex since its so important

 

You will not win over the ex and kids entertainment needs, because daddy feels guilty if they cant watch netflix but probably doesnt care if u do or dont!! You are an adult and they are his precious fragile little beautiful children who just want to entertain themselves on netflix *sarcasm*

Monkeysee's picture

He thinks it’s acceptable that YOU can't watch the Netflix that YOU pay for out of your joint account because he doesn't want to upset LI by kicking her mother off of YOUR account? No. I wouldn't even discuss this with him, this is ridiculous. He doesn't use it so of course it's not an issue for him. Change the password, when LI asks simply explain it’s for household members only (this is a T&C of Netflix so you can blame them) and you had to change the password bc people outside your household had access. Your H is... ugh. Just because he 'doesn't provide a lot' for LI doesn't mean his ex needs access to something from YOU. 

tog redux's picture

AG, you are on a slippery slope to LI moving back in with you. This is how Big Idiot gaslights you into thinking you are the problem. I wouldn't even find it petty if you kicked LI off if she was the only one using it, and he's made you feel petty for being upset that YOU AREN'T ABLE TO USE SOMETHING YOU PAY FOR because LI's mother and who-knows-who-the-hell-else is using it. 
 

Please set this boundary right now and remind BI that this is why you left him before - putting LI's wants ahead of your needs. Change the password and LI doesn't get the new one. 

tog redux's picture

Seriously, WTF?! I wouldn't even be opposed to LI using it if she could be trusted not to give it to everyone in Florida, but clearly she can't be.

If BI wants her to have Netflix, he can pay for her yearly subscription every Christmas. But instead he makes AG feel selfish for daring to want to kick his ex-freaking-wife off of HER Netflix.

Grrr, I'm mad for her. He's unbelievable.

Cover1W's picture

EXACTLY what I was going to reply with.  FFS.  I changed the password for our home when OSD left in a huff.  Done quickly, no need to consult with DH either.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Not petty at all. When OSD made her grand exit she was still using my Netflix account. I changed the password immediately.

If me and my home aren't good enough for you neither are any of the things I provide.

lieutenant_dad's picture

AG, I love my SSs. I'd take a bullet for my SSs. I pay for things for my SSs. I act parental, sometimes downright motherly probably against better judgment.

I would change the Netflix password and tell them to get their own if the shared it with so many people that I couldn't use the service that I pay for.

This isn't petty. It's about respect. LI is not being respectful. And as tog said, your Big Idiot is back to trying to gaslight and muzzle you. If he personally disagrees with you, then he can take $15 out of his personal finances each month and pay for LI's account while you maintain yours.

This isn't something you need to have a long, drawn out discussion over. Change the password, tell LI and DH why you changed the password, and tell DH if he'd like to spend his personal cash on one then he can. If he figures out the password and changes it on you, get yourself a new Netflix and a new husband.

thinkthrice's picture

According to Netflix’s terms of use—which every customer must sign off on when setting up any account—any content viewed is for the account holder’s “personal and non-commercial use only and may not be shared with individuals beyond your household.”

The fact that "everyone does it"  is not an excuse. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I THINK there is a way if you get online you can kick everyone off and reset your password. 

Aniki's picture

And so it begins. I wondered if it would simply be a matter of time before BI went back to his old BS ways and agree with others that BI is trying to gaslight and muzzle you.

  • YOU are paying for a service in YOUR home that YOU cannot use.
  • Netflix limits you to 4 devices. In YOUR home.
  • It's a measly $15/month for the service. 
  • Skunk Ape and clan do NOT live in YOUR home.
  • Skunk Ape and the degenerates can scrape together $15/month for their own damn contract.

It would be one thing if BI wants to gift LI $180 for a year of Netflix. It's a whole 'nother animal if BI is giving Skunk Ape gifts. If that's the case, he should remarry Skunk Ape. 

If you are unable to change the password on your end, call Netflix, tell them your account has been compromised, and have them reset it. 

AG, lace up your boots and CHANGE THAT PASSWORD!!! 

tog redux's picture

Right? I'm always baffled by these cheapskates who won't pay $15/month for Netflix but want to mooch off others. You know they spend $10 for cigarettes or a six-pack of beer, but nooo - can't afford that monthly Netflix fee. 

Aniki's picture

It's complete horsepuckey! And it's more like $10 a DAY for cigs or beer, so $15 a month is practically a drop in the bucket. 

tog redux's picture

I know - probably $20 a day, lol. Plus fast food meals and DoorDash 10 times a week.

Ridiculous. Let Skunk Ape get her own damn Netflix. This is why we never gave SS our Netflix password. I logged him in so he could watch it here.

Aniki's picture

I worked with a guy who bought an 18-pack of beer every other day. And smoked a pack a day. This was a dozen or so years ago, but that adds up! NO reason why those dipshidiots cannot pool resources for $15 a month. 

Gimlet's picture

Yep, just what I was going to say.  You and tog nailed it with this, he is absolutely settling back into his old ways.

Letting this go when it is clearly a boundary issue.

Still harboring dreams that LI is going to be a medical examiner.

Ambiguity around her visit.

AG, you were willing to leave to make your point.  I am sure BI made some assurances to get you to come back.  If you start letting the boundaries slide now, he's going to take full advantage of that.  This is neither small nor petty.  Kick all devices off, change the password, and do not give it to LI.  She has shown a lack of respect for your boundaries and there needs to be a consequence.

He is telling you that not being able to watch YOUR account because Skunk Ape and her clan are using it is not a big deal.  NO.  It is a big deal and I would be livid, AG.

he doesn't want to upset her. He thinks she will be upset if she has to tell her mom she can't use our Netflix anymore after she gave her the password.

Huh??  He is scared to tell LI no and he should be scared to tell you no.  Unaccpetable and more of his old BS.

Also, telling you that you are being petty is gaslighting you.  YOU ARE NOT BEING PETTY.

AgedOut's picture

Change the password and when she calls complaining, tell her she may have it for her use only but if anyone other than her uses it you will change it again and she will not get the priviledge. 

You pay for something you cannot use? No. Just plain no.

thiscantbenormal's picture

Change the password and don't share it.  Your generosity is being abused when you can't even use it yourself.  The sharing outside the household has gotten out of hand. 

It's not a big deal to him because he is not personally inconvenienced by it.  Tell him it would be like you loaning his tools to your neighbor that never come back to the point he no longer has any tools to use himself.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"It's not a big deal to him because he is not personally inconvenienced by it."

The basic explanation for why a lot of these biodads allow their wives/GFs to be inconvenienced, disrespected, and often humiliated. They are lazy and they are selfish and they are cowards. Path of least resistance. That is, as long as he isn't feeling the pain. And they are great at putting their heads in the sand so they can avoid feeling it! 

halo1998's picture

I mean the minute I can't get in on my own account that I pay for is the minute I will go in and kick off any device that isn't in my house and then change the password.   Too Bad so Sad....get your own Netflix.

At this point since LI has shared the password with everyone under the sun..her rights to the account are REVOKED.  If I can't trust you not give out a password to everyone you know..then YOU DON'T GET THE PASSWORD.

But then again I'm bitchy and the minute GWR noped out here...we changed EVERY password on every streaming account we have (we have a quite a few my DH loves movies and stuff).  Beaver had ....nothing.  You don't live here you don't get the password.  Even my own kids that moved out got their own Netflix.

tog redux's picture

That's not bitchy, that's logical.  Beaver and all the other HCBMs would happily accept Child Support and steal your Netflix too, if you let them.

AlmostGone83's picture

Thank you everyone for the unanimous response that I am not being petty. I wanted to present both sides of the argument so that everyone could make an accurate judgment and I could get some advice before deciding on what to do. I wanted to make clear that after voicing my opinion, and before I even posted this, DH disagreed with me but did say that I could handle it however I wanted to/needed to. 
 

So....

I signed out of all the devices last night and changed the password. When LI asks for the password I will tell her not to share it or the next time she won't be getting it either. No more breaking bad or orange is the new black for the Skunk Ape!

Reading everyone's response reassured me that I am not out of line with my thinking. We have numerous streaming services but it's the principle. Sometimes I feel like a witch but other times I wonder if I am too nice.....

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm glad you kicked everyone off, but I still think you're being too nice. LI isn't a child, so she should have known sharing that password would come with consequences. I think it's time to just cut the cord. This isn't car insurance or a cell phone where you might give her 6 months notice or something to figure it out. Netflix is an AMENITY. A want. A luxury. She can spring $15 a month to provide that.

Gimlet's picture

100% this.

You are going to find yourself right back in this situation. 

"LI, you will need to get your own Netflix account.  With you own account, you can decide with whom you will share, as I am deciding with mine."

Also, why not downgrade to a Standard membership that allows 2 screens?  There is no need to pay more for 4 screens for your household.

AlmostGone83's picture

I guess it's a matter of she is just turning 21... how much should we be helping her out at this point? Right now we only pay for her cell phone and she is living with her stepfather. DH sees his brother and SIL who have kids in their mid 20s still living with them free of charge and I think he thinks he doesn't do enough for his own daughter sometimes.... but what is normal? Is paying for car insurance at this age normal? Is paying for a cell phone at this age normal? Is allowing them to live rent free normal? How much help do you give adult kids?

I guess he feels this is something he can do for her.

tog redux's picture

YOU don't have to help her at all. My SS just turned 21 and he gets bupkis from DH. BM chooses to allow him to be totally dependent on her and pays for everything, we would not do that. 

That being said, my parents helped me a lot and allowed me to live there rent free, and then helped me through graduate school. But  they were both my parents and I also worked, got good grades, and didn't change majors or jobs like LI does. As long as her parents will pick up the slack, LI can refuse to grow up and pick a realistic job. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

But HE isn't doing it for her. YOU are. It's YOUR account. Even if you have joint finances, HE isn't the one setting up Netflix, changing the password to Nextflix, or even using Netflix. It's YOURS.

For perspective, at 21, I was in college full time (18 credit hours) and working part time (20-30 hours a week, depending on time of year). My parents paid my health insurance, car insurance, cell phone, and assisted with my rent because it was cheaper than the dorms. When I graduated at 22 and got married, it all stopped. I graduated in May and by June had my own car insurance, private plan health insurance, paid the rent, and paid for half the cell phone bill (actually helped my parents to have XH and I on it to pay half the bill). 

I got that much help because I busted my arse to get through school, graduate, and get a job in my field after. I couldn't ask for money. Utilities, food, car maintenance, medical bills, fun money, savings - those were all my responsibility. I got help because I got good grades, worked, and didn't get in trouble. 

I understand LI is only 21, but she has bucked against ANYTHING that would make her self-sufficient. If BI feels the need to help his LI, he should cover her health insurance. He should hold her accountable to putting in full-time work through work and school to get some support. At 21, she should either be full-time in school pulling great grades with a part-time job OR working full-time to build a career. Her haphazard way of living shouldn't be rewarded with BI footing the bill. Or you paying for her Netflix and chills with random dudes.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Think of it this way:

If BI feels that he needs to do more to help LI, it needs to be with things that help her launch. That means it needs to focus on needs AND have boundaries.

She already abused living with you, so that's off the table. She has abused Netflix, so now that's off the table (and that was never a "need" and helps her launch not at all). She abused help with college expenses by not getting good grades or even trying in remedial classes, so that's off the table.

LI has made her own bed. SHE needs to put in a lot more work to prove she wouldn't squander it all again. If she actually graduates AND goes to get her BS or BA, then BI could consider paying back some of her student loan. If she buys her own car, registers it, and pays her own insurance for 6 months without any tickets, he could consider picking up the bill after that. If she works steady, heavy part-time and can afford her rent for 6 months, BI could toss a few hundred bucks towards her rent to help alleviate the burden.

BUT LI needs to put in the work. People who support adult kids should expect them to put in the work. Hell, I even afforded the same thoughts to ET when she was working FT and needed extra cash for something.

Adults who support adults need to do it to help someone launch/stabilize who are doing their equal/fair share to launch/stabilize. LI needs to max out her capacity before looking for someone else to help her step in. If she hadn't acted as she did, I would speak differently. But she has squandered and stolen and sold every opportunity. The help she NEEDS is for people to stop giving her landing pads so she can delay doing what she needs to do to grow up.

tog redux's picture

Yes, yes. DH got a free computer from a volunteer organization he works with and said, "Too bad SS21 isn't in school, I'd give this to him."  I said, "isn't he taking classes?" DH said, "is he though? We don't know if he is or what his grades are or what he plans to do with it."

If SS was working towards being Independent DH would happily help. He's not going to support his Failure to Launch. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

I would NOT give the dang password to LI. You know she is gonna share it with BM and family. If your DH "feels this is something he can do for her" He can get her Netflix, pay the first month and thats it. You should not finance this at all.  Doing something for her is teaching the LI responsibility. 21 is plenty old enough to pay for this, if she cant too dang bad.

ETA  a netflix you are paying for AND you cannot watch because they are on is a big fat NO MORE. Your DH should be angry this is happening to you. Why these men put the shit family first is beyond me. 

 

Frankly if an adult skid is a bitch and toxic then she should get Nada zilch . I do not know your story or what LI is like, but since you call her LI I can only guess LOL

caninelover's picture

LI is Brattys long list twin from what I've read...

hereiam's picture

Guess it depends on how long one wants to enable their kids and make them dependent on others.

Your husband not only enables his daughter, financially, but he enables her rudeness and disrespect. He should have taught her enough manners that she should know better than to give others the password to something that is not hers.

DH sees his brother and SIL who have kids in their mid 20s still living with them free of charge and I think he thinks he doesn't do enough for his own daughter sometimes

So what? Who cares what his brother does? He needs to stop looking to others to set his standards, his standards for his daughter are already pretty low. He should want more and better for his kid. And that does not mean that HE gives her more or better!

CLove's picture

Dont you love that saying? Ive got SD22 Feral Forger who acts like shes 14 or younger, no drivers license, no job and one college class. She lives rent free and bill-free at Toxic Trolls apartment and terrorizes Munchkin SD14.

So, each skiddo of course has their own capacities.

My parents were helping me out with a rent free situation, and paid for car insurance. This was before cell phones. I worked parttime so I paid for gas and upkeep. I paid for my own clothes and entertainment and food.

I'd change the password and not give it out to her or anyone else. You got free reign from your DH to do what you wanted to.

Id take those reigns and giddyup.

caninelover's picture

SO still pays for Bratty's cell phone which I find maddening but its his money so I ignore it.  He also pays for her car insurance and she is on his health plan, all reasonable I think, but that's it.  He does send her some random gifts once in awhile in addition to birthday and christmas.

I think some help is normal but it really depends on the kid.  It should be an assist to get a kid to launch and not a crutch to enable them to live dependently or beyond their means.  

Also Netflix is a want not a need.  If he is to help it should be with needs IMO.

The_Upgrade's picture

I feel like I need to flag that you're slipping down the rabbit hole again. I've been following your posts for years. Think of where your mindset was with LI at the point where you were willing to leave her and BI to their dysfunction. She deserves nothing from you. After everything she and BI put you through that's more than fair. I hate to see you questioning and second guessing yourself over something that should be cut and dry. Abuse a privilege, it gets revoked. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That's a gaslighting excuse! The fact that something happened "before you came along" does not automatically make it ok to continue. I've gotten this excuse too. "She was around and doing this before you were even in the picture." That was used to justify all kinds of bad BM behavior. Like, i swear to God when i hear the words "in the picture", i want to scream.

Yes, these BMs were all around before we were all in our various pictures, doing all kinds of things. So f*cking what. That does not mean we have to tolerate whatever they throw at us.

Monkeysee's picture

That doesn't mean it needs to be shared moving forward, especially as Netflix is working to stop this, and *most* especially because there are so many outsiders using it that you can't use your own account. 

The biggest red flag, as everyone is saying, is how quickly BI is reverting to old ways. LI is 21, she's not a baby. My parents have helped me loads over the years, but they've never paid my phone bill or things like that. And I was far more responsible than LI has ever shown herself to be. If it’s that important to BI to provide Netflix for his daughter he should get her a separate account so that you aren't inconvenienced. Expecting you to deal with it because he doesn't want to upset LI (which is ridiculous) and gaslighting you by calling you petty just shows he still really doesn't get it. Precious LI is still the priority here. I agree with Tog this is a slippery slope. 

The_Upgrade's picture

I've been mooching off my friend's Netflix account for years. He moved overseas for work so every few months I order his favourite tea blend from a supplier near him and top him up. Figure it costs me less than $150/year. And after all these years the moment I go handing his password out to my friends is the moment I deserve to get cut off and left to set up my own account. 

MissK03's picture

So what happens when you guys go to watch Netflix and can't because there are too many devices on at once? Yeah big fat no. Change the password. It's literally 15 a month someone else can pay for it. 

Merry's picture

I don't think my DH even knows that more than one device can be logged in at a time. I'm not going to tell him.

So many things wrong with your situation, the biggest being your DH. If HE's not inconvenienced then it's not a big deal. So you can suck it up for Skunk Ape's convenience and avoid confrontation with LI. Oh hell no.

I'd be changing that password so fast. And not sure I'd ever give the new one to LI. She'd have to ask for it and then I'd have to stall.

IDontCare3117's picture

AG, you KNOW in your heart of hearts if you give LI the new password she's going to share it again.  The girl has never had consequences.  Who the hell cares if she, or anyone else in Skunk Ape's household gets upset?  DON"T share the new password under any circumstances.  If Big Idiot gets his panties in a wad over it, let him deal with it.  She's about to turn 21.  She needs to learn life's little extras generally come with a price tag.  If she can't find $15 a month in her budget for Netflix, then she doesn't get Netflix.  

thinkthrice's picture

She has zero boundaries and will give it to the SA immediately thereafter.   You'll be in the same boat pronto.  Same with her visiting... wasn't she just there 3 months ago?  No need for her to visit that often unless she is trying to wear you down again to move back in again.

Something about insanity  repeating the same actions and expecting a different result. 

DPW's picture

The fact that you are even asking this question makes me worried for you and that you are back to where you were prior to leaving BI for a bit. 

Firechild's picture

I would've already changed the password.. What are you waiting for? Why is his ex babymama freeloading off your household? End that now.