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Little Idiot is gone but the resentment lingers

AlmostGone83's picture

DH made the bitter comment today that he “was forced” to “send his own daughter away to Florida” which tells me he is resentful of me putting my foot down and saying no more. I ignored the comment but I have a feeling this is going to be a sore spot if it doesn’t erupt into a full blown war soon. I am not sure how to handle this with him, as I believe the comments are going to continue and he is the type that will let his emotions build up and then lash out. He obviously thinks that I should be the indulgent stepmom, forever supportive of Little Idiot’s someday plans of going into the Coast Guard because “joining the military is so so HARD! You have no idea AG because you’ve never done it but sooooo many kids are scared to even step foot in a recruiter office and she should be commended just for signing up and it’s DIFFICULT to make the leap and she is scared and we should give her the time she needs blah blah blah....” 

Thoughts on how to proceed forward at this point would be appreciated.

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

"If you have something to say to me, then say it. YOU can live with your daughter. YOU can move her back here. I will not live with her, however. I will not put up with her lazying about all summer. But you are more than welcome to. I'm not stopping you."

Tell him he can stop blaming you for this and he has the choice to leave. If he isn't going to leave, then he can shut his trap about it. Either sh*t or get off the pot, but don't drag you down because of choices his daughter and he are making. FFS, she's living with her mom. It's not like she is on the streets!

ITB2012's picture

When DH is upset he lashes out at me. Has said some things he says he doesn’t remember saying. Like it’s my fault the skids didn’t end up at our HS. I told him to go do something specific to himself. I’ve pointed out to DH multiple times that it’s him who thinks I’m the evil step mother and if the kid has that impression it’s because they are influenced by dad. 

Tell him you know he’s trying to use you as the scapegoat and that ain’t gonna happen. 

Monkeysee's picture

Tell him if he wants to continue to enable his failing daughter he’s welcome to do that, but he’ll be doing it without you. Oh and newsflash DH, enabling isn’t love, she isn’t a baby, and she’ll never get anywhere in her life if someone doesn’t actually hold her to a higher standard instead of rewarding laziness & lack of action.

He might be ok living with his precious child for the rest of her life, but you aren’t. Expecting your wife to live with someone else’s child with no end in sight because life is ‘hard’ is moronic, but he’s welcome to do that all by his lonesome. I’m sure they’ll be very happy together.

tog redux's picture

Have you ever had a direct conversation with DH about your feelings about living with LI? It's time.

"DH, you and I disagree strongly on the issues behind LI's behavior.  I understand she's your daughter and you love her,  but I am not able to live with her. At this point, if you want her to return, the two of you will need to live elsewhere, because I won't live with her again."

Don't get derailed in a discussion about her and why she does what she does, etc. It's just a discussion about whether she comes back or not and what that means for your marriage.

Hard stuff.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

he is doing her no favors . His behavior is keeping her immature and not leading her on the path to be a successful independent adult. It's cruel to unleash her into this world thinking she is special and the world owes her everything. Getting fired and "bullied" at her small part time job is just the tip of the iceberg . Life teaches us there are consequences to our actions and living in poverty is hard . If she had realized the Coast Guard was her one shot, she might have taken it seriously and prepared 

Dads_Wife's picture

I may receive a lot of flack for this but I dated someone in the CG for six years and honestly, its a cake walk. I swear he barely did anything to climb the ladder and he ended up being a first class petty officer in like 7 years (which is pretty good). The way it sounds, shes honestly perfect for the CG. The hardest part is boot camp and now they get like white flags where they can go find a safe space.

You SD sounds like a weak individual. My FSD is similar. No will power. I'm sure I'll be in this position soon enough

susanm's picture

Anyone from a military family is going to co-sign that.  Of course, there are easy and hard sections of all branches.  I would put a Coast Guard rescue crew, especially the swimmers, up against any of the elite service members.  Those men and women are incredible.  But Little Idiot was never going to do more than catch a glance of one of them as they walked past her.

beebeel's picture

Wow. He sure thinks the world of her. Perhaps a name change to Special Idiot is in order since she's not so little at 19. 

Millions of people, most even younger than her, have signed up and gone off to boot camp. Sure, many wash out, but I give the washouts more credit than Special Idiot.

Dad should have realized the Coast Guard wasn't in her stars a year ago and had an honest conversation with the kid. I guarantee the only reason she is still stringing this pipe dream along is because daddy thinks it's her destiny.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I don't get this. Why can't anyone say that perhaps this isn't the right career path for her? Even if it's an "easy" branch of the military, not everyone is cut out for the military at all.  OP's DH has never let her figure out what SHE wants to do.

Siemprematahari's picture

DH made the bitter comment today that he “was forced” to “send his own daughter away to Florida” which tells me he is resentful of me putting my foot down and saying no more.

Next time he makes a comment address what's really on his mind right than and there. No more bullsh!tting around on how he "really feels". You both are grown and need to have a conversation about this. Tell him your truth and where you stand. He has two options, either he deals with it or he doesn't. Leave the ball in his court but make it known you are not tolerating all the BS anymore.

 

advice.only2's picture

"DH if you were forced to send your LI away then by all means run down to FL scoop her up in your arms and return her back here!  Nobody is forcing LI to join the Coast Guard, she chose that herself.  She is choosing to delay time and time again.  She is the one who is stalling her future.    You are just taking out your emotions on me becuase deep down inside you are disappointed because you are finally realizing what a piss poor job you and BM did raising her and realize this is what she will amount to!"

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Adults are supposed to be self-sufficient and independent and not live with Dadddeeee or mommeee so wtf is his problem?’

GrabitAndGo's picture

Your DH wasn't forced to do anything.  Ya know, I really dislike your DH.  His kid hasn't done one damn thing to improve her life or future.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again: LI doesn't want go into the military.  She's enjoyed the attention she's gotten when she says she is.  I come from a military family.  I'd contemplated a miliary career myself at one point.  EVERYONE is scared of boot camp, but the ones who genuinely want to serve in the armed forces face that fear and march forward.

Your DH doesn't want to face the fact his kid is a fuck up who has ZERO ambition.  If he wants to blame you for his lack of parenting, by all means, show him the door and tell him not to the doorknob him where the Good Lord split him.