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AlmostGone up and went - no update

AlmostGone83's picture

I'm not quite ready to post an update yet. Mostly because nothing has happened other than H has attempted to contact me several times. I haven't answered. I'm just taking a few days to think and do nothing right now. One thing that was said before I left that's been bothering me is he said LI was upset and crying because she wants to have a mother daughter relationship with me and I don't want to and she doesn't understand why I don't like her. Part of me feels bad but no I don't want the role of substitute mommy for the skunk ape and no I don't like her. Both these things are true. I can see she's looking for a mother figure. I can't be that for her. I don't have any children of my own. I've never been a mother. And to be honest I can't see anything of myself in her. He told her these things. Again I feel bad/selfish that I don't want the job but just caring for her basic needs and trying to get her to be self sufficient is hard enough for me. Maybe I was never meant to be with a guy who has kids? Maybe I could love someone else's kids but just not her? Either way I will never know because I will never get with a man who has kids again.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Glad you are taking your space.

Don't feel bad about what he said - IMO, that was her manipulating him, and him using it to manipulate you.  It's not your job to be her mother.

advice.only2's picture

Him saying that is a manipulation tactic!  It's one my DH used to use on me when we would fight.  Don't let it bother you.  You not bonding with his child is a direct result of him dismissing you as an adult figure in her life.  I'm sure LI was more crying because she's afraid the nice cushy life daddy is providing her is crumbling!  

ITB2012's picture

Two things to support this:

1. HE probably wants that for LI. Unless she's said it directly to you in private and during a vulnerable and truthful conversation I would take all of that as a manipulative tactic, and he's trying to make you feel guilty and that the situation is purely your fault. 
2. My DH hasn't bonded with one of his own kids. He and OSS barely talk and basically the only thing they have in common is that they are related. DH has bemoaned that in the past and I recommended to him that he try to find something as a common interest but he didn't do it. So even bioparents don't want to put in effort sometimes. 

Cover1W's picture

Exactly. If LI said that... full manipulation of BI to get him in her corner. And him repeating it to OP means it worked!

Monkeysee's picture

You can’t have a mother daughter relationship with her, they both know that, and they’re both being manipulative. She has a mother. If it was so important to both of them that you have this special bond, they both would have put in more effort, not thrown it at you when you finally had enough and decided to leave. I’m glad you’re taking this time for yourself, you deserve it. Whatever you end up doing I hope it’s the best thing for YOU, and not what makes them happy or comfortable. They’ve had their time, it’s your turn. 

Iamwoman's picture

^^^What Monkeysee said!! Times a thousand.

LI "wants" a mother daughter relationship with you???

Um. Since when?

Actions speak louder than words.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Good for you giving yourself space. Do not feel bad for not having a mother/daughter relationship with LI. I do not believe it is even possible to do so with a child you did not birth, nurture and raise. Even with my neices and nephews whom I am close with, it's not the same as my own child. I love them, but do not have the same bond with them as I do my own child. 

AlmostGone83's picture

Thank you. I feel that it was a manipulation tactic on both of their parts as well and to a point it worked on me. It's made me feel like the bad guy again. 
 

It feels like my life has fast forwarded about a week in one night and I'm still trying to catch up on what happened.

tog redux's picture

It makes you feel bad because you are a good and caring person, and that is what the manipulator counts on. Feel bad, but don't let it drive your actions.

Iamwoman's picture

Hey AG, from what I've learned, guilt is often a manifestation of fear, and a result of being caught in an emotional flashback.

thinkthrice's picture

Is almost impossible even if the guy parents his children and stands up to the BM.

So much less so when Dad is a gullible weenie and believes everything his lying failed first family tells him.

Stuck.to.your.guns.   He is in tap dancing phase where he will say anything, promise anything , do anything  to get you back to the same circumstances as before which was very convenient and comfortable for both him and LI.

You have to make him feel the pain and inconvenience that is life without you and come to a conclusion on his own which he may take quite awhile to do.

Zen mode's picture

It sounds like she is not likable as a person, how can you be expected to have a mother/daughter relationship when you can't even be a friend/ mentor?.  
 

I know with "family" we are forced to set aside those things that make us not feel like family and just get along because we share the same DNA. I have family that I have chosen to not associate with for over 20 years. They are in incredibly toxic and do not wish me well, why would I want anything to do with them.

 

You love your husband and he loves his daughter even though she is a sh@# head. He has to make a choice, I don't think it sounds like you want him to have nothing to do with her, just that you need to be removed from the equation, he needs to call her out on all her idiocy and it sounds like you are being made the scape goat . It also sounds like LI treats you the way she does because daddy has never told her not to, but that said most normal, decent people don't treat other humans that way on the day to day, that's just not how society works. So to that effect you ARE showing her how healthy people react to being treated disrespectfully.
 

I can really relate to this from my first marriage and set of step children, when I was told to "zip it and this is dads house"  one Xmas. I had been married to their dad 20 years and had 5 children with him at that point. Yet I ruined Xmas because I refused to serve pie to her and her brats after that outburst. I had never experienced such blatant disrespect in front of my (exh)her dad before, it had always been targeted towards her half siblings or me behind his back. I waited with held breath thinking FINALLY he is going to put her in her place, nope. When I heard him say " you hurt xyz's feeling so she's not going to let you guys have her pie" that was one of 1000 cuts in my marriage, and a deep one that lead to me finally being free eventually because I saw what utter contempt they all had for me. It took me 7 years to really come to terms, I'm a slow learner (or was). I hope you find the clarity you seek, 

Gimlet's picture

That "mother daughter" comment is pure bologna. 

One, she has a mother.  It doesn't matter how poor the quality of their relationship is (which we all know depends on the day), she still very much has a mother.   So she wants you to be a "mother figure" without realizing what a huge request that is (and this goes DOUBLE for Big Idiot).  Being a mother entails a lot of sacrifice, especially emotional sacrifice.  That is balanced by the love you have for the child.  It has to be, or our species wouldn't be here.   Which leads me to my second point.

Two, your crappy husband has done ZERO work in making LI a likable person.  NONE.  All he's done is make excuses for her, dump his disappointment on you, and basically let her turn into the vapid, self-centered person that she is today.  He will sit and mock her, but he's done none of the expected work to make her turn out any better than she has.  

So now they are going to deliver this steaming pile to your doorstep?  Oh hey AG, really all of this strife is because LI wants you to be a second mother to her - which is really f*cking convenient, isn't it?  They can triangulate you, neither of them has done any of the legwork to make any inkling of that relationship work, you don't have any of the emotional trust a mother would (the fact that telling her she can't dye her hair in your home resulted in a meltdown is telling - I would not think twice about telling my kid that and it would just be a matter of fact thing, you know?) and now they want to claim, "Oh, well, this would all be better if AG would just step into these shoes."

F*ck that, and f*ck BI for even letting that bullshit leave his mouth.

You keep doing exactly what you are doing.  This has nothing to do with your qualifications as a caring human being.  No one would thrive in this situation because you have been set up for failure from the beginning.  

ITB2012's picture

Good point about the hair dye. AG was being a mom at that point and they didn't like it. The mother-daughter comment is pure hypocrisy. 

The_Upgrade's picture

They need to update their word definitions. According to them the word "mother" still comes up as "doormat"

"Oh Little Idiot is so sad that you don't want to be her doormat..." 

notarelative's picture

AG was being  a mom at that point and they didn't like it. 

This.

There is a difference between a mom and a Disney mom. LI wants a Disney mom at Disney Dad's house. LI wanting AG to be 'mom' is as valid as her latest entry into the Coast Guard date.

 

Eve-Bee's picture

I am sorry, AG, for all of this! 

I also believe that wanting you to be a mother was pure manipulation! It also sounds very much like what a covert narcissist would do, take on the victim role, so she is the one getting attention and sympathy for her difficult situation in the home (All BS). Also, it puts you in the prosecutor role, BI can be comfortable in the "the bigger person" trying to fix things, And it is all crap! This narrative is flipped and so far from the truth! The attention now should be on you and DH relationship and how he has wronged you with the whole LI situation, instead it is on LI needs! This is toxic!

Narcs try to attack you at the core and make you feel like you have to defend yourself; you are an empathic and kind person and LI (and BI?) are trying to use that against you, as pointed out by others.

She has mistreated you and is not a good person, So it is just natural that you don't like her, now she is trying to make you feel bad for that and use it to manipulate you to come back and serve her needs better. Do not fall for all of this!  She should be the one taking responsibility to change her ways. 

Gimlet's picture

Sorry for the additional rant but here's another thing.

Stepping into a parenting role for someone else's kid is a big deal.  There are a number of supporting factors that need to be in place for that to happen successfully.   You need to build the relationship, you need for the bio parents to not undermine you, and you need authority to go along with the responsibility.  You need agency in every way, but especially emotionally.  It's not a trifling thing.

What really gets my goat about this situation is that when these things don't happen, and that relationship doesn't grow and is just polite/civil whatever, you can't just magically pull it out of your ass.  You can't build the top floor of a building because someone wants you to when there is no foundation.   It's infuriating, not to mention insulting, when someone wants you to be in a parent role without having done the work that they need to do to go along with it.

So no, now that your young adult is a mess, no you don't get to push the SM into a parent role.  You never wanted SM's input or opinon all this time, so you don't get to just make that stupid, silly statement now.  "Oh SK wants you to be a parent".  I want to be a master chef, but if I never learned how to boil an egg that's a tall f*cking order, isn't it?

Edit: and ITB and notarelative nailed something very impotant - they don't want a mom, they want a Disney mom who will help to enable their dysfunction and dilute the responsibility, while not really holding anyone accountable for anything. 

It's the worst kind of shirking of consequences and not owning up to the fact that you made the decisions that put this kid here and you need to make the decisions to deal with it. If that decision is to disregard your spouse and then throw them under the bus in an attempt to make yourself feel better about all the f*cking up you've done, while not even holding the other parent as accountable as you want to hold your spouse, while not stepping up and making things right, then you don't deserve your spouse and you don't deserve to be bailed out.

AG, I hope you really take the time to think about what you want and need.  You deserve better than this. 

MurphysLaw's picture

"I haven't answered. I'm just taking a few days to think and do nothing right now"

Thats my Girl!!! Let him Feckin stew!

LI cares about you as much as she does about her own grandmother...LI could careless if you live or die. Period.

LI is a product of being ill breed & poorly raised. NONE of which you had anything to do with.

Ratilal2016's picture

AlmostGone83 I assume you are from 1983 like me, no kids of your own and your SK was a girl (the worse!!!!!!). I read a lot StepTalk and I also started to read ChildlessStepmums that has too very good descriptions of the dynamic of this situation and how we stepmums are treated and what it´s expected from us and how we blame it all on ourselves.....I´m out for 2months and I still have many ups and downs and it´s hurtful to think in all that happened...It´s a bunch of situations and feelings that just take us all our self worth .....So....I would like to send you a big kiss and hug and hope we can laugh about this all in some months!

Ratilal2016's picture

To start to have a good laugh just go to #Childfree group on reddit and see the funny things they say about dating people with kids and one time I read a user saying to another user that was asking if it should date a man with kids "You have to go and read a forum called "StepTalk" and see how that people suffer" lol they really protect each other from entering step situations!

With this I don´t mean to offend people here that love their SKs and have happy blended familes!

ntm's picture

You should have up and went when he allowed her to move back in again. He completely disrespected you then. 

Remember all those promises he made when he moved her back in? About what he would hold her to and the consequences? That's all flown out the window, hasn't it?

Stick to your guns. Don't let him make more empty promises. He's shown you what will come of those. When someone says things will be different this time, you can be sure they won't. For some sick reason he needs LI to be completely and totally dependent on him. She's not yours and you shouldn't be the one who parents her to independence. I'm happy for you that you left and I hope to God you stay gone. Are you better off with or without THEM? Because they're clearly a package deal. 

SteppedOut's picture

OP, this just really needs to be the end. It would take MONUMENTAL effort on BI part to fix this. He isn't going to. All he has offered is it is your fault because you haven't been a mother to his sh!tty skidult. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Good for you, for taking Murphy's advice. Take some time, let him come to you. Make him live with the consequences of his actions.

The only reason she told him she wanted a "mother/daughter" relationship with you was to manipulate him. She knew he would seize on that as the reason for all of her behavior and it works to her advantage. He ends up feeling sorry for her and upset with you. And whenever you do act like a "mother" it upsets her - the hair dye is a perfect example.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree with all above who stated that her wanting you to be a "mother" is a manipulation tactic. A) When you try, she doesn't like it and he doesn't back you. Dirol She is an adult. C) She has likely been so poorly parented by both mom and dad, you could "mother" her for another 20 years and probably not undo all the damage. It sounds like the best you can hope for is a mutually respectful, cordial relationship. This will require you to be able to keep a safe distance, which means her not living there. Stand your ground on that one.  

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Good for you. I ghosted stepkids. I waited till they were gone for their spring break vacation with heir grandma to move everything of mine out of DHs house. I even took the dresser that SD was using. Their dad's house was left practically empty because he had very little to begin with. Skids came home to an empty house. No, I don't want a mother child relationship with them either and I never will, they were mistaken when they accused me of wanting to be their mother lol!