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having our baby soon

almost new mom's picture

can anyone help???..i am due in january and am trying to figure out how to ask my husband to give us some time after the baby comes..i have gone both ways with it and i honestly need this time to be about our daughter not his seven almost eight year old child...my husbands life revolves around his child..and i have had to seek a therapist to help with some topics.. i just dont know how to deal with this..i am so scared his son is going to be with us and i will end up at the hopsital alone..i had a girlfriend that happened to and i am a nervous wreck..i have never given birth and the last thing i want to be thinking about is his child and where he is and if hes ok..i want him to stay with his mother and make it through this situation...please let me know what i should do???

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Annanymous's picture

Hey! I am due in the last week of December and feel the same way, and I am raising my SD12 as "mom" so there is NOTHING wrong with you wanting to have child care prearranged. I ALSO talked about this exact situation with my December 2012 birth club and NONE of those expecting moms with kids (step or BIO) want to have to deal with their kids being at the hospital or worry about their DH being with the older child - they have all been arranging who will babysit so their DHs can be with them in the labor and delivery. I felt like a bad 'mom' to her, like it had to be because I was a stepmom, as to why I didn't want her in the hospital staring at me the whole time where I would have to grit my teeth and smile or for DH to stay home with her, but its NOT! It's completely normal and natural for a woman to expect and need the baby's father to be there with her through it and not have to worry about other children during that time. My DH made me feel bad, by saying whats wrong with having her there, well, because I don't want her in the room when I am cussing, screaming, scared, having people up my hoohoo, getting IV or epidural, and having to smile the whole time and worry about HER when I need to be free to blubber and worry about me ONE DAY of 365.

Tell your DH that it is completely normal to arrange for childcare to cover around the due date for ALL families even nuclear bio-only families, and that you really really need him to be there with you and to focus on this baby's birth and for this one day to be about you getting through it and the two of you bringing the baby into the world.

I told my DH I didn't want to hear a single PEEP about SD when BM was pregnant with her, SDs birth, or SD as a baby during that day. We can talk about how amazing and awesome and perfect she was the other 364 days a year, that is one BM-vag-free day.

DH should have arrangements for SS to stay with BM or to be dropped off to BM when you go into labor AND AND AND have a backup- perhaps MIL or a SIL or a friend as a backup to call to babysit SS if you cannot reach BM or she flakes to keep the kid until BM can pick him up.

You can sweeten it up with "golly gee can't wait for darling precious SS to come to the hospital AFTER THE BABY IS BORN AND I AM SHOWERED AND UP FOR IT to meet his baby sibling, aww won't SS be so preeeciouss as a brooother. I am so glaaad darling SS will nto be tortured by having to try to sit up at the hospital for god knows how many hours that would have been so mean to poooor lil SS huuuuh. Are you excited to pick him up AFTER THE BABY IS BORN AND YOU HAVE SUPPORTED ME THROUGH THIS PAINFUL AND SCARY SITUATION AND THE BABY IS BORN AND WE HAVE A LITTLE TIME JUST THE TWO OF US WITH BABY FIRST yeah? Biggrin Gee, me too. Now go make child care arrangements, luv ya <3

That was essentially my "by god you better do it right" speech. LOL

Don't feel bad at all, remember, all those other pregnant women told me they are arranging child care for their own bios of all ages and fully expect baby's dad to be right there with them too!

almost new mom's picture

i am glad they talk about this is in birthing classes because i want him to hear it there...we stert those in october..and i am hoping to have what happened to you happen to us in that they bring it up and i can say this is what i would like..and see what happens...thank you

Annanymous's picture

It's an online forums where you join based on the month you're due. For December, there is the main group (I don't participate in that one) and there is the birth club due in December that is for women who have had miscarriages - that group is more supportive and understanding and not catty or you know how online forums get cliquey and pick on others- my group doesn't do that, is why I am still in it.

I haven't started any real life classes, but boy its been great having that little online group to talk about our fears and hopes and such like that.

If you want to see it, feel free to message me and I will tell you the name of the forums site and my screen name if you want to read that thread.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Well, firstly, stop worrying. Easier said than done, but worrying about it is just making you sick and accomplishing absolutely nothing.

Now when you say you're worried about ending up at the hospital, are you worried he will leave whil you are delivering the baby?? :jawdrop:

I suppose you've tried talking to him?

almost new mom's picture

he told me he would take him to his sisters when we discussed it..and he will handle it and for me not to worry...problem is had surgery in april and asked for the child to be at his mothers and the mother said no so we had him and when my step son is here i dont have a husband....i am really not present because he is so occupied with his son..so ia m going to ask that his son once i go into labor stay with his mom for about a week..three days for hospital and the rest to get acclamated when we come home...he may go ballistic but i woud rather ask then not...and if the kid is here...he will ruin this...and i have forgvien alot this time i will not...

Annanymous's picture

I would still make sure there is a backup plan in case something happened and BM refuses at the last minute or is unreachable.

My SD will be home when we come home, but she's "mine" and is 12 so won't be constant attention needing and such like a young SKid would.

I really understand your feeling though because I had that same fear (I had some uglier feelings though cause as much as I love and adore SD, I just don't want in-laws and SD at the hospital talking about SD being born during my baby's birth- I know that must be really selfish and immature, but its just during that time I fear that- I am happy to have them talk positively to her any other time about it!)

It's just one week, I really hope your husband understands, you just want a couple days to be his focus and not to have that additional responsibility and constant need of a young kid.

Congratulations too! I do hope he is understanding about it and works it out for you.

Not_Having_Fun's picture

I have recently had a son with DH & had the exact same concerns about SD - then 8. I didn't want her at the hospital during the birth & I also wanted some time afterwards. Thankfully DH agreed & we organized with BM that if it were not her week with SD that she would take SD for 5 days. BM shadily agreed & we didn't trust that she would actually do it if the time came so we had a backup plan for another relative to take SD just in case. As luck had it I gave birth the day after SD went back to BM & therefore had the full week I was so desperate for. Being completely honest it wasn't enough time as we ended up staying in hospital for 5 days so I only had 2 days at home before SD came back.

I completely 100% understand your concern & you need to set something in place now so you can stop worrying about it as it will consume you & you have much more to think about & much happier things. Talk to DH & tell him how important this is for you & explain that a lot of expectant mothers don't want children at the birth & need a little time afterwards - bio or step kid. It's a time you need to focus on the new baby & its a busy time. You don't want your SS to feel left out as it will all be about the new baby & SS will start off resenting the baby if he's put aside (so to speak). Let DH know it's not about SS & anything against him it more about needing to focus on the new baby for a few days.

almost new mom's picture

thank you!!! i may ask for more if a week may not be long enough.i am high ris because of age and may need more..I moved here to his town away from my friends and family...so he wouldnt have to leave his son..or actually he told me he wouldnt..so i sacrificed...not a very good thing from the beginning..this situation i cant sacrifice...i cant do it...if he doesnt agree i will hate him more than i do already over things with his exwife....its just tooo much...you dont know until you live it...if i would have known i would have not done this....this website is better than therapy for me...its a saving grace!!!

Not_Having_Fun's picture

You've done a wonderful thing by moving for your husband. I know all too well how it is moving away & leaving friends & family behind! It comes to light more at times like now when you are pregnant. I don't believe it's too much to ask for a little time. I think you should stay firm & explain to him just how important it is to you. You definitely don't want to Harbour resentment towards your husband or even your SS at a time like this, it's something you will likely never forgive & hold on to. I am presuming this is your first child? It is really hard when DH already had a child & it is your first. You will find times where you resent the fact you sometimes feel the whole 'first time Mum' experience has been taken away due to there being a SS & that DH already has a child. You do learn to accept that though & with the full support of DH things will be O.K. You must ensure you let DH know how you feel even if you feel it's uncomfortable to tell him or he will get upset or be angry at what you say. He won't know how you are felling unless you tell him & if you don't tell him you will bank up your hurt & resentment & it's a downhill battle. I completely agree that you don't know it until you live it & I'm still not sure how I feel, I think I would do it all again knowing what I do now but that's only because I'm very, very lucky & have DH's full support & love & he see's through SD. If I didn't have that there is no way I would do it. Life is always going to throw things at you be it step kids or something else, there's never an easy ride but you need to stay focused on what's important for you & not live a life for someone else. That's not saying dont compromise as you need to do that too that's just part of a relationship but as long as its not a one way street & the things that are truly important to you are recognized by the other.

Most importantly get that time for when the baby is born. Be strong & tell DH you really must have the time. Good luck & keep posting here, there are others that understand & can give good advice! It's definitely helped me Smile