One of my sisters (MSis) sent me a text asking if I'd talked to our youngest sister (YSis). I said no, what's up? MSis called me and told me what she knew. (I'll recap the whole story in a sec.) YSis called me last night and gave me more of the story first hand. Here we go, in semi-chronological order so it might make sense...

YSis and her H have been having marital issues for YEARS. When her DD4 was a baby, I used to babysit her two kids while they went to couples counseling. It seemed to help, at the time. But, what with having two kids under the age of 2, time (and money) became an issue. They stopped going. Gradually, they started to get worse again. Oh, they'd have good times too - enough so that YSis stayed, hoping THIS time the good times would start to get more frequent than the bad times. But it always went back to fighting.

There was on incident I was not aware of, which happened about a year ago. Their DS, 4 at the time, hit YSis's H in the face - and he hit DS4 back. Not a spank. Hit him in the face hard enough to leave a welt. My hands are STILL shaking, this makes me so angry to think about. YSis told her H that if he wanted to remain in the family, going to a doctor was *required*. Her H went, and apparently the doc gave him a prescription for "anxiety and depression" (or something). No therapy. No followup. But H did get better, calmer, and there were no further incidents like that AT ALL.

Recently, like the last 3 months or so, her H has gotten much, MUCH worse again. YSis thinks he's off his meds. He's drinking like a fish (a fifth of vodka a week), smokes a pack a day, and drinks coffee all day long. YSis pointed out to him that *perhaps* putting all these chemicals into his body so frequently, and in such quantities, might be affecting him. H's response was, "Well this is who I am. Deal with it."

A few weeks ago, YSis and H had an argument one day. Something stupid about who did what housework. H stormed out of the house and went drinking with a friend. YSis went to bed. Her H came home at 2 am, turned on all the lights, slammed the bedroom door, and started screaming at her because she hadn't finished the dishes before going to bed. She tried to tell him to stop, just stop screaming, it's 2am, go to sleep, but apparently he kept it up for an hour before leaving. Not just the bedroom - he left the house and went to sleep at his parents'. YSis said she had a hard time explaining where Daddy was to the kids (now 4 and 5) the next morning. H came back after work and it was awkward, but they "made up". Sort of.

Two weeks ago, it happened again. They had some stupid fight, H went drinking, came home and started screaming at her. She said this time she just kept her eyes closed and repeated "don't engage, don't engage" to herself. Until he pulled the pillow out from under her head and then threw it at her. They had another screaming fight for an hour, and then he went to sleep on the couch. Oh, and during the fight she said he moved suddenly and she instinctively brought her arm up in defense. He didn't hit her - and she didn't think he was GOING to, but she was getting physically afraid of him because his anger was just so out of control. The next day, she got home from work, fed the kids, and put them to bed - all while her H sat on the couch and stared at the wall. After the kids were in bed, she asked him if he wanted to talk about things. Then she noticed he'd packed a bag. He left to go to his mother's house again. This time, my YSis said, "Fine. Go. The kids and I will be fine without you." And he has been at his parents' house since.

Now, here's where it starts to get REALLY weird. (God this is turning into a novel!) The day after he left, he texted my brother's wife (currently on her damn honeymoon!). He told her his "plan backfired", and that he wanted a "woman's opinion". My new SIL, being on her honeymoon and all, told him leaving was a really bad idea if he didn't mean it and perhaps he should try to fix it. THEN YSis's H started calling my BIL - MSis's husband. Apparently, he's been talking to BIL about all this, and saying how much he wants to work it out. His exact words (according to MSis) were, "I'll do anything, but she needs to get some help too!"

And that, right there, is his problem. "I'll do something IF SHE DOES SOMETHING FIRST". Talking to YSis last night, I had no idea how much H was gas-lighting her. "I scream at you because it's the only thing you listen to!" "I wouldn't get so angry if you would just stop nagging me!" In other words, he's only a dick because she forces him to be a dick. NO. That is CRAP. For YEARS he has been unhappy and saying it's all my sister's fault. If she would just let him spend the mortgage money on a new TV, if she would just not force him to be alone with the kids, if she would just stop asking him to do dishes and laundry, THEN he could be the loving husband and father he WANTS to be. What the ever loving FUCK is that?

And WHY, in the name of all that is holy, is he involving YSis's family (MY family!) in this????? WHY is he talking to SIL and BIL? He has sisters for god's sake, if you want a "woman's opinion" why not ask THEM? Why not go talk to a friend? Seriously, if my DH and I ever had problems, big or little, the LAST people I would talk to would be HIS family!

Oh! And I almost forgot one of the funniest parts! So YSis's H is "open" to the idea of counseling. But he thinks they should talk to someone they know instead of a stranger. So he thinks they should talk to their mutual friend, Mike. Apparently, he talked to Mike about it and Mike thinks this is a good idea. YSis does NOT think this is a good idea (because, DUH, it's not). YSis called Mike's wife to ask if she knew about this, and Mike's wife said, "Oh NO. Do NOT do that. That would be the blind leading the blind, since Mike is currently not speaking to me either." (I couldn't help but think of SweetPea and her H with their "counselor"! HOW IS MY SIS MARRIED TO SWEETPEA'S EXH???)

Oddly, MSis seems to think YSis and her H "should" work it out, and that if they both go to counseling that would be a good first step. I told YSis that I love her and want her to be happy and WHATEVER she decides to do, I'm behind her 100%. But... I honestly DON'T think she should stay with her H. Listening to her last night, this sounds more and more like an abusive relationship. He hasn't actually hit her, but then - not all abuse is physical, right? And he DID hit their son, albeit just the once. I seldom recommend divorce, and I won't actually recommend it to my sis at this point either, but I think she'd be better off without him.

The kids are so-so. Her son seems absolutely fine. They see Daddy pretty much every day (YSis has told him to come over to see them any time, and to his credit, he's made the effort every day). They had a sleepover at Grandma's (with Daddy) this past weekend. Her son actually seems to prefer this new arrangement. He still gets to see his parents, and BONUS!, he's not getting woken up by screaming matches any more, nor is Daddy snapping at him all the time. Her daughter is less OK - she's cried that she misses Daddy a few times, which breaks my sister's heart. YSis actually pulled out the "maybe I owe it to the kids to stay with him" card. THAT I had to voice an opinion on. I told her that IF - and ONLY IF - H can get his anger under control, if he can go to therapy on his own, without her forcing him to, and really WORK on his issues, THEN that was a reasonable option. But what the kids are seeing now between the two of them will cause A LOT more problems than being COD. I asked her if she really wanted either of her kids having a marriage like she currently has? Because if that's their "normal", it's a real possibility.

Thank you for reading, if you finished. I needed to get this out!!