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allinall's picture

M mom seems to think I have been too light in my dealings with my new husband and SS8. I've been married a month and been with my husband for 5 years. Over the course of a couple of years, I have disengaged and made my husband take over disciplining. When he misbehaves, I tell his father so that he can deal with it. Mom says...I handled this wrong and I should be dealing with it to the point that I shouldn't even have to bring it up to H. (He is not DH today) How do you SMs who disengage balance the power in your homes? My husband really doesn't believe I have his son's best interest at heart, so the minute I start fussing at him, I will be accused of being mean...and that will start a horrible argument between us. Disengaging does make me feel powerless sometimes. I feel like this is my house and should be able to say and do whatever I please to whom ever I please. ESPECIALLY an 8 year old!!!!!!!!


purpledaisies's picture

The key to disengaging is not to say anything to your dh. Don't point out his behavior for anything else if he leaves a mess leave it. Don;t do anything. When your dh asks you about it tell him that ss left the mess not you but don;t point it out. Let your dh see it in his own time and on his own b/c all he is seeing is you pointing this out and thinking you are mean. Wink

shielded2009's picture

I know what you're saying , but I do think you need to tell your mom what you're doing is best for you and your keep her comments to herself...She means well, but she can't truly understand the whole dynamic you're dealing with...

When I disengaged from SD and DH, that meant that I pretty much didn't deal with them...DH had to do EVERYTHING...feeding, bathing, clothing, etc...and I mean EVERYTHING...So there was really no reason anymore for me to "fuss" at her...Seriously. I also went through my DH not thinking I had SD's best interests at heart, so when I put him in the position to actually have to do EVERYTHING for SD, he started seeing her FOR REAL...and I really didn't have to say much...It would eat me up inside because I wanted to say something SO badly...Over time, he got it, especially when he had to deal with her talking back and "sassing" HIM. He learned it wasn't about me having or not having SD's best interest at heart, but it was MORE about the fact that SD had some serious behavior problems that NOBODY dealt with...and everybody had on rose colored glasses but me...

So...yeah...I felt like I wanted and should be able to do or say whatever I wanted in my house, but I saw a bigger mission...Peace in my home...I made my DH deal with HIS child...then I really didn't need to say anything...AND I took over my house...I started inviting my friends and girl friends over so that I could do and say whatever the hell I felt...It turned the house into MINE, which it was before they got there...I surrounded myself around stuff that was more important to me...if that makes sense...It stopped being about THEM...and more about me...

The drawback to that is that you might have people think that you're not doing your "duty" as a wife and "mother" by having DH take responsibility for his child...That's what I'm dealing with now with MIL...

Ifeeya's picture

"My husband really doesn't believe I have his son's best interest at heart, so the minute I start fussing at him, I will be accused of being mean...and that will start a horrible argument between us."

Question: Why did you marry a DH with kids? Did you learn anything from reading on this website?

"Disengaging does make me feel powerless sometimes."
Yes, I agree you. That is true. Disengaging does make you feel very powerless. It means that you have to walk away from the situation. It is not the best solution to handle it. However, there is no option that is better than this, if you are choosing to be a SM. It is much better to handle the situation yourself, you are right. But, the skids are not yours. That is why it is so difficult.

allinall's picture

Thanks for the comments! LOL Ifeeya...Are you actually a step-mother? I married my husband because I love him. But thanks for the validation on disengaging.

allinall's picture

Now...Purpledasies...what if your husband is unaware of the behavior. For expample...SK and you are alone and SK says something disrespectful. Now, if you correct this, shouldn't it be enough or must you implore you husband's disciplinary actions too?

purpledaisies's picture

They stayed in their rooms and played the game systems all day. I never went there or called for them or anything I pretended they weren't there. Since they were in their rooms and never came out they didn;t talk to me.

I don;t know how old your skids are but for me when I disengaged I pretended they weren't there. No reaction at all. If they did say anything to me or asked me anything I told them to ask their dad.
i hope that answered your question.

allinall's picture

@ purpledaisies...NICE!!!! My SS8 talks to me a lot. He can be good for a few minutes then his behavior will shine through which is usually bad and disrespectful. How do I retrain this? I would prefer if he did talk to me at all...that way I wouldn't have to worry about him saying something that I wouldn't have to correct him and then be accused of being mean by DH.