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Reaction to disengagement?

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 9:27am

I had a bachelorette party Saturday. I haven't had a night out like that in awhile. I didn't know any of the women, as it was an old high school friend's party who I do not see often. They were all very nice, one was even a stepmother, but she kept saying things like "it just gets better and better!" (?) There is a certain phoniness to women in groups that I never quite understood. Once everyone was sufficiently drunk they started to loosen up and it became fun.

Anyway. In stepworld...

I am loosely disengaged from skids since the mother of all blowouts with DH a couple weeks back. My version of disengaged isn't particularly complicated, I just do less and take more opportunities to go out and do my own thing. I don't completely ignore them, simply because my heart won't allow it. If they were teenagers it would probably be easier.

Funny thing is, SD totally seems to notice this shift.

This weekend she kept calling me "mom/mommy." She told me when she comes over she runs to the master bedroom to "make sure my clothes are still there."

Is this some weird reaction to disengagement?

I ignored it, obviously. Tired of putting on the child psychologist hat and trying to say the right thing. Especially after going to a nightclub for the first time in a decade the night before.

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 9:33am

It might be that your SO has put these thoughts in her head.. or maybe the BM if your SO shared anything to her.

I think I would just keep doing what you are doing and it will eventually be the "new normal" to them. I think it sounds like your doing a compassionate disengagement from the kids and in fact it's really not them so much as their father who you are trying to "retrain" with it anyway.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 9:33am

I would stop SD calling me Mommy or mom.....

I will make it clear that although I feel flattered her checking if I'm still around, I do not appreciate her going into my private room and opening my cupboards.

I'm anti skids currently, and my opinion on this - she's noticing she's not the center of your world anymore thus seeking attention.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 10:24am

SD thinks another divorce is on the horizon.

Definitely put a stop to the mom/mommy stuff. Ish.

BTW, good job with your partial disengagement!!

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 11:36am

Well, the only thing that gets better and better is that the step kids get older, and closer and closer to aging out!

Your SD is worried that the little bit of stability that she has, will one day be gone. BUT, that is not your burden to bear.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 12:34pm

When I first disengaged, and started doing more things on my own, SDs most definitely noticed.

In fact, SD13 (then SD10) was emailing her friends about whether or not I was having an affair.
DH was mortified because her friends parents monitored email. DH basically didn't (I think someone forwarded him a copy). Well, DH still doesn't.

I didn't even care so much, just laughed and said to him that he knew I wasn't and that's that. I didn't give a cr@p what anyone else, let alone a 10 yo thought. I don't know if he ever talked with her or not. But we're still very much together. LOL.

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 1:19pm

I kind of want to strangle your DH. Clearly his daughter values you-what the hell is his deal?

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 2:15pm

Well that begs a question...I believe you know what that question is.

AJ you've been incredibly introspective and willing to work on yourself for your relationship. I don't see that with him.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 2:25pm

If he doesn't seriously prove himself in the next few months to not be a selfish moron (he just received a sizeable settlement) ... that will speak volumes to me about his priorities...

then I suspect he will cry and be introspective 5 years down the road when he is broke, alone and unhappy. Because once the dust settles, he will realize what I did for him. That I know... and by then it won't matter. If I leave, I am gone forever.

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 2:37pm

I'm still waiting for my ex to have that "aha" moment, while he sits on mommy's couch and lives at mommy's house-all the while shit talking me to all our friends 5 years later. I wouldn't count on it ever occurring to him that introspection is a thing that people do.

But his whole list of things to do that you found-I don't think it's a ploy. I think it's probably genuine which means there is hope floating around in there somewhere like a geode we just need to crack open.