UPDATE: Talked to DH about SD15 possible depression, I am now 100% disengaged
First, I had this ALL typed out and then accidently hit the back button!!!!!
I talked with DH about the possibility of SD15 possibly being depressed, laid everything out on the table (figuratively) for him to think about, but he just angry and refused to believe there was anything wrong with his special snowflake. I explained to him, in the nicest way possible, that something is wrong and that if he chooses to do nothing, I will no longer care whether she eats, sleeps, showers, etc. Well, he chose to do nothing. I disengaged.
It has been about a week since he and I talked and although disengaging is hard, it is keeping me sane. I've notice she hasn't been eating, but I've said nothing. I noticed she hadn't showered in about a week, but said nothing. DH has notice that I've been distant with her and he is upset about it; even though I explained to him this would happen. For example, yesterday afternoon a phone call came in regarding the kids school being closed another day (we are in the area affected by Hurricane Irma) and since I was sitting in the same room as my kids (SD15 was holed up in her room) I told them. DH gets home from work asks me if I got the message about the schools being closed (yes) and proceeds to go upstairs. I guess he went to say hi to SD and mentioned the school being closed and then got super angry that I hadn't said told her. (the call had come in 30 minutes before he got home, it isn't my job (disengaged) to make sure she knows these things, and I wasn't going to go out of my to tell her.) I did not apologize and said nothing.
However, this is not as easy as it seems. DH is being more and more short with me since realizing that I have actually stepped back. I only talk to SD if she speaks specifically to me (hi, bye, how was work?) OR if she asks me a direct question. I was tested 2 nights ago when it came up at the dinner table about how many makeup days the kids were going to have due to the hurricane and SD literally threw a fit like a 2 year old. This is when I would usually pipe up and shut her down because I hate it when she acts like that during dinner, but not this time. I was done eating so I calmly go up and put my plate in the sink and went upstairs. My kids were also done and followed me. DH left the table but stayed downstairs.
I know from trying this in the past that DH is just upset that now he has to step up and actually parent his child. For the past 10 years I've been the "bad guy" because I would always correct her while he would "protect" her. He would get mad when I would stop her fits and tantrums (yes even at 14/15 years old). Not anymore buddy! When she starts acting like that, I will be up and out of the room UNLESS she is treating my kids or myself badly, then I will intervene. (doesn't happen much anymore since they are all teenagers and mine are now bigger).
Please tell me this will get easier on HIS side? Right now, the tension is so high in the house that I'm not sure anything could make it right. I just want to know that after his adjustment period to my disengagement, he will treat me like he used to. Please tell me that is true?