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**Update** Toxic Family splitting us up

afy65's picture

At a loss and so very sad and lonely. I have been with my GF (partner) for three years. We get on just great but her family (mother and 2 daughters – ages 23 and 12) have just gone out of their way to make things as awkward for us as possible for us. The youngest SD’s behaviour has just been appalling, dangerous! and at times just plain weird.

We have all been living together for the past year and things just got awful and both my GF and myself felt like we were walking on eggshells all the time. I would get home from work and put the key in the lock and think to myself, ‘God what is going to happen tonight?’

I feel like the behaviours exhibited by the family were very controlling and manipulative and designed to get my GF to move back home with the mother.

I am not going into too much detail her with regards to the amount of shite I have had to endure of the past three years as the list would be just way too long. I feel as if I have tried my best and always helped my GF family, but it has all been put in the toilet and flushed away.

Anyway, Christmas day we were all having dinner together and it was clear that my GF kids didn’t want to be there (they didn’t want to spend Christmas day with their own mother, wanted to be with Grandma, but I said to my GF that this wasn’t right and kids should be with their mum) and the behaviour ramped up and up and I just blew (this was three years of shite coming out) – I asked them to leave, which is probably what they wanted? Grandma came and picked them up and my GF went with them too. My family members said to me that it looked like the whole thing was a setup by the two kids.

My GF tells me that she loves me and I am her biggest love and so on, but has not returned to the house that we rent. She says that she now has to concentrate on her family and try and curb the behaviour (yes! its still continuing).  And will only stay over with me one day a week and a snatched hour here and there ☹ - I have put forward different solutions to her, but she is having none of it.

My GF text’s me kisses and I love you and miss you most days, but this is just killing me inside and not the relationship I want – do you think I should just cut my losses and walk away from it all or just hang in there, because I’m at a loss tbh ☹

Comments

ndc's picture

Unless you want a one day a week girlfriend, walking away is probably your best bet.  No one is forcing her to stay away; she has apparently made her choice.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Yes, I do think you should cut your losses. Your GF has chosen the pre existing dysfunctional dynamic over her relationship with you. Even if she came back to you, those three other toxic women would always be in the background, agitating and undermining your relationship.

Leave them to stew in their toxicity, and move on to something healthier.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your GF has already broken up with you, but she needs a booty call and a night away from the chaos she helped create. She's stringing you along knowing that things won't get better on her end, but she doesn't want to lose the sex and sanctuary you provide.

This isn't a relationship anymore. You and her aren't moving forward together as partners. She is doing her thing and you are doing yours. If that isn't what you want, then cut the last thread, mourn over a tub of ice cream, and find the relationship you *actually* want.

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree with the others. She already left. It is time for her to come collect her belongings. If she can't control her 12 yr old and tell her to get her butt home (the home she shares with you) do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this situation?

The 23 yr old is a grown woman. It is what it is with her but she does not need to live in your home. 

You probably dodged a major bullet with this level of crazy. Count your blessings!

afy65's picture

The 23 year old never lived with us - she was always with grandma, but has a lothing of men in general (never every had a boyfriend) and made it quite clear from the outset that I would not be accepted - not a problem for me as she wasnt living with me, but just went out of her way to threw a spanner in the works whenever she could

tog redux's picture

Your GF may in fact love you very much, but that's beside the point if she can't set limits on her kids and stop them from interfering with your relationship.  And she's proven she can't (and won't).

I'm sorry, you deserve better. 

hereiam's picture

My GF tells me that she loves me and I am her biggest love and so on, but has not returned to the house that we rent. She says that she now has to concentrate on her family

So, she does not consider YOU family.

You should cut your losses, you don't have a chance with this dysfunctional, co-dependent "family".

 

afy65's picture

Quick update - Had a serious chat with my GF last night and it turns out she i'snt coming back and needs to spend time working stuff out with her family! my two children and myself are family but she cant be with us right now (thanks for that). Apparently her family consider me to be the enemy!!! I dont know what i have done to deserve this accolade tbh - I have contributed to putting a decent roof over their heads and helped out with so much stuff over the years - I think basically I'm the enemy because I cant be controlled and I stick up for myself and my GF, hence I dont fit their needs.  Anyway I told her last night that I didnt want to see her anymore and that the solution of one day a week and so on was not acceptable. Wished her luck and asked her to remove her belongings from the house asap. time to move on for me and let the toxicity go Smile

StepUltimate's picture

Congratulations, you dodged a bullet here. 

You are a strong person. I am sorry you went through all that, but good for you for freeing yourself from that drama. Now, you can focus on your two, and doing life peacefully & respectfully without your ex's toxic family situation in your face. 

(((HUGS))))

afy65's picture

Well a quick update - she still hasn't got all her stuff out of the house - so I have started packing it all for her as I cant stand to keep looking at it all (put it all in the now spare room) - I'm moving out of the property on the 28th feb to a place of my own even though the rent is paid up until the 1st April (doubt very much I will get my half back so will just keep the deposit money). Her kids and mother are still giving her hell and on the occasions i have seen her she said that she is safe and content with me and on constant eggshells with them (she made her bed now she can lay in it. still declares undying love for me and is missing me very much and so on......... total head f*ck for me so now I have cut all contact with her and just cant wait to move out of this damn place now!!! don't get me wrong I still love and miss her, but the sh*t way outweighs the good. IMO its not going to end well for her - constant bullying and mind games from her family - its like she is being brain washed!!!! I cant help her anymore, its now not my issue - sorry for the rant - I will get over it in the end and probably be a lot happier Smile