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Update to Letter Gate 2020

advice.only2's picture

So thank you again to everybody who commented and just validated the way I was feeling after reading the letters from Spawn.

Wednesday was a total sh*thole day and getting those letters from Spawn was just the extra sh*t I didn't want or need that day.

A very close family member is going to have to have some testing to see if they do or do not have C, I can't even say it because it scares me so damn bad to think they might. I found this out on Wednesday afternoon and ugly cried to my poor coworker who will probably never ask me if I am okay ever again. So Spawns timing was just impeccable as always!

DH has decided that he is going to open the line of communications with Spawn, I support him on this, as that is his daughter, but I told him I am a flat out no! I don't want anything to do with her, maybe years from now if she can show she's really grown and matured I might reconsider. DH says he respects my feelings, but lets wait and see what happens once he's communicating with her again.

I showed the letters to BD and BS. BD response was "what does she want now! I mean why after 5 years suddenly she wants back in our lives?" I told her that is the million dollar question we all have. BS stated "Her letter to DH is manipulative, her letter to you is melodramatic, and I think she's pregnant."

So there you have it, family member has a PET scan scheduled for March and so far seems in good spirits so I'm trying to vibe off of that and not be overly stressed. As for the Spawn stuff I have made my choice so for me from here on out it's really no longer my issue but his.


hereiam's picture

BS stated "Her letter to DH is manipulative, her letter to you is melodramatic, and I think she's pregnant."

God, I hope not.

My DH has another daughter that I never talk about because she has been estranged from him for years (long story). She once contacted him after 2 years of no contact to let him know that she had a baby. But apparently, had not had a baby shower yet, so her cousin was throwing her one and the cousin hounded us as to what we should buy as a gift! We ignored.

We didn't go to the shower, but we did start having the baby over on weekends. Not good enough, we should have taken her EVERY weekend. Then, an eviction notice showed up in the diaper bag, showing an amount due to avoid eviction (which we ignored). She would also call saying she needed money for diapers (funny, they always had beer and cigarettes). It was really sad for DH when he realized she just wanted to use him. When she cussed him out, he was done and has had no contact since.

It's sad because they want to have a relationship with their kid but the kid does not always just want a relationship.

hereiam's picture

Yes. He chose BADLY in the wife/BM department (twice). The oldest does not believe that DH is really her dad (he wholeheartedly believes that he is). He offered to pay for a paternity test but she said no.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It's so sad and difficult to accept that a family member could be so amoral and exploitative. It makes it hard to trust others. And it doesn't help that outsiders (or even other family members) often try to minimize the severity of the behavior.

I'm sorry you and your H had to experience that. And I'm also sorry that you had to watch someone you love be hurt like that.

hereiam's picture

Thanks, Exjulie. It's the other ugly side of step life, having to watch your spouse be constantly hurt by these step kids, who don't care who they hurt.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think some of our partners never wanted or were never cut out to be parents in the first place. They just went with the flow.

advice.only2's picture

Hereiam, that really sucks and that is my fear that she would use that baby to manipulate my DH, he already has guilt because this is his daughter. I finally told him, yes she's your daughter, but some people are just so toxic you have to cut them out for your own sanity.

hereiam's picture

he already has guilt because this is his daughter

That is not a reason to feel guilt or fall prey to her manipulation. I mean, I get it to an extent but c'mon.

I was okay (although anxious) with DH resuming his relationship with his oldest and I wanted him to get to be a grandpa (he's great with kids and was an awesome grandpa). Deep down, I knew it wouldn't last, I knew she was using us and would screw it up so I just waited (bonus- the baby was adorable and I loved having her over).

I could wait it out because I knew that he would only take so much of her crap before he called it quits. Cussing him out, while trying to put a guilt trip on him, was the last straw.

You are right, some people are just too toxic, no matter what the relation.

Aniki's picture

Your flat out NO and why you said NO is a solid plan. 

Prayers for your family member, hon. {{{HUGS}}}

Kes's picture

I think your BS might be right on the button!  I guess you'll find out in due course whether SD is pregnant or not.  You are right to tell your DH you don't want anything to do with her until she can demonstrate some maturity.  I do hope it goes OK for your family member.   Around this time last year I was recalled after a routine mammogram for further tests but in the end, it was diagnosed as a "fatty lump" - yes, I have a few of those, lol ;-) 

advice.only2's picture

Thank you Kes, yeah I am hoping she's not pregnant, but well you never know. I am just trying to keep positive vibes for now since my family member is like well if it is, it is and they caught it super early.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your son immediately saw through the bs and manipulation. He's a smart cookie!

advice.only2's picture

He really is, he and Spawn never got along, but that was because he never allowed her to manipulate him, so instead she would just pick on him, and when he started high school she had her friends pick on him. For that alone I have a large amount of un-vented anger at her.