You are here

OT - What is your STalk Origin Story?

advice.only2's picture

I'll go first:

For me my journey with STalk started 7-8 years ago. This pertained to the whole not allowing Spawn to audition for a solo role at her dance studio due to failing grades. Well Spawn and Meth Mouth decided they were going to get custody swapped for good based on that, and Spawn was gleefully telling her friends how she planned on lying to the judge about a bunch of stuff to create a picture of abuse and neglect in our home.

I was so beyond disgusted with it all that while online one day I typed in the phrase "my stepdaughter hates me!" A list of sites popped up, first and foremost being Circle of Moms. So I clicked on the site and read about other stepparents dealing with stepchildren and honestly I was really put off by the whole experience. What I was reading was mostly "You need to love this kid like your own, you need to step up and be the better person, you need to sacrifice your own needs for that kid!" I had been doing that for the last 12 years ever since I had met DH and Spawn. I needed better advice than to be told to continue being a doormat and someday it might pay off.

So I re-googled my original statement and clicked on StepTalk...let me tell you it was game changing! Back before the two big cullings there were some amazing posters on here who gave you simple to the point, no frills, no sugarcoating advice that would make you stand up and say "I have seen the effing light!" I gorged myself on this site reading everything I could and signing up for my first STalk account. Suddenly I wasn't the problem anymore, my DH and his Disney parenting were, and so was Meth Mouth and all her dysfunction. I was taking a crash course on disengagement, and PAS and mini wife syndrome and it was cleansing! I went home that night and I unloaded on my DH, I was no longer his and Meth Mouth and Spawns whipping boy! I was no longer their scapegoat and I was disengaged. I even told Spawn this, I was disengaged from her and her toxic dysfunction and if she needed anything from here on out that was on HER parents!

The court proceedings that facilitated all of this fell through because Meth Mouth couldn't keep her days straight and show up for court, and Spawn wasn't able to weave her web of lies to the judge. But I stayed disengaged, much to the irritation of my DH and Meth Mouth and Spawn. Over the years I have seen amazing OP's get shunned or leave and I will always be grateful for their amazing wonderful non sugar coated advice. And over the years I have seen the many many many OP's who come on here to stir the pot, to create havoc because for some reason it makes them feel good about themselves. I try my best to give everybody the benefit of the doubt, but to be honest, after years of being on this site you can pretty much sniff out the crap pretty quickly if you take a moment to take a whiff.

So in conclusion thank you for coming to my STalk talk, I hope it was enlightening for you and for those of you who are new and looking for advice. We are not just new to the game of step parenting, many of us have been here for YEARS! YEARS of having been there and done that twice and gotten several t-shirts to prove it.

Comments

DPW's picture

Around 2007, I was in a relationship with exSO and he had exSS5. exSS5 had major behavioural issues, was diagnosed at age 3 with a plethora of illnesses and drugged up since then. But it was not working. Psycho exBM insisted he remain on his treatment plan even though the poor kid was a zombie. Regardless though, exSS' behavioural issues really made me doubt myself and my inability to see beyond them and care for him. I did not realize at the time that exSO was responsible for all this, not me. 

I was lost. I did not understand why I felt the way I did about a child. Wasn't life supposed to blend perfectly if love was there??? I googled support for stepparents because I felt like I was crazy. I had emotions coming out of the wahoo and exSO was an idiot when it came to emotional intelligence. I started reading ST and then eventually joined under a different name. I have not left since, noting I'm in a different relationship now with little to no step-related issues (other issues, yes!). I have taken what I have learnt on ST and have applied it to my steplife and it works. I now have two SSs in their early twenties and a SGD who is 5. 

I remember so many names from ST's past and wonder where they are. There have been some incredibly, solid posters on this site and I'm thankful for all of them!

Chmmy's picture

I had had it with BM and the skids.  The skids lived with us 24/7 and when BM did show, she caused chaos and crying.  The skids were angry with BM for abandoning them and they took it out on DH and I.  It was a FRiday and i was leaving for vaca the next day to visit my son in DC and BM took the skids out and brought them all back crying and angry.  I left the next day and never wanted to come back.  I google I HATE MY STEPKIDS and here I am a year and half later.  Life has changed a lot for me.  I am mostly disengaged thanks to steptalk and I understand a lot more of there behaviors.  I no longer hate my step kids but realize it is my husband that is the problem as well as BM.  I still don't like them, they are awful but realize more it is my huband that I have issue with so I ignore the skids and live my life.  I have one foot out the door and when this crazy Covid stuff is over I'm ready to get it together and go.

halo1998's picture

over the years, but most shut down or were all about the "love them more".  When SS PAS'd the f out of here last year, I needed to find somewhere to vent.  Venting to DH about his kid(s) is not good..  :)  Upside, I can blog about all the stupid sh*t I have dealt with over the last 10+years to people that get it. So here we are...and the Beaver Chronicles.

BethAnne's picture

Just been reading some of my  old blogs. Wow..I am glad that it is not 7 years ago and the improvements that have been made. Reading my old blogs is like a list of the monthly repeated topics that we get on here from new members! So much drama and anxiety. I have learnt so much from reading on here and from everyone's collective wisdom and expereinces. 

The two best things that I did were calling the cops on BM the first time she caused me trouble which helped my husband realize that she needed to be kept away from me and BM realize that she shouldn't mess with me directly. The second best thing that happened was that we moved away from BM, thousands of miles away! Both were amazing stress reducers. 

There is so much drama in my step history and present that it seems unbelieveale to me sometimes. I joined st a few months into my marriage (and first year of living with my husband) after weeks of reading the stories on here. We have been through so many crazy senarios and different custody schedules that it is dizzying if you think about it all. My life was so normal before meeting my husband. Step talk definately helped give me perspective and solutions and still does.

The frequency of the drama has been a lot less these last few years now that we moved away but it doesn't stop BM's mess of a life from screwing up her kids and the drama to billow into our life too. At least now my husband has got to a point where he is fed up of BM's antics and is taking real legal action, hopefully it works out how he wants. He has slip ups occasionally and makes questionable choices but on the whole he sees his mistakes and has learnt from them. Time and age offer wisdom eventually.

I am sure there is more drama in my near future though and that is why I keep coming back here, there  is noone else that I could even talk to about this stuff, let alone who would understand. 

Livingoutloud's picture

12 years ago in 2008 I found this site because I was using a different site and my exYSD  got on my stupidly left open and unlocked laptop and was reading what I had posted. So I joined on here. I was with a man then who was obsessed with his adult DDs and he eventually moved one of them in (same exYSD got on my laptop). It was so bad when she moved in that I barely survived a year and I was gone. It was 2014. 

I wasn't on here till 2016 when I got married and rejoined this site under different name. I have two adult SDs again. One is normal and one is insane. But it's not an issue because my DH puts me first. We also dealt with insane BM whom we paid spousal support and one time when she was homeless she wanted to move in with us omg but she passed away the most horrible death last year. 

I am convinced most stepkids and BM issues is truly husbands issue. Thankfully I don't have husband issue 

 

justmakingthebest's picture

I was here under a different username back in 2011/2012. I was in a relationship and got married to a man who had a kid that was out of control. Wound up being diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. He was off the rails and was only 5-7 during this time. 

My biggest mistake was that I kept placing all the issues as being tied back to the kid (which they were) but I didn't realize what my life would become after my marriage. Honestly this site saved my life, as my marriage quickly turned abusive. I got out before any major damage was done and never looked back.

Then... as I found myself in a new relationship a few years later, I knew that this was the only place to turn when having crazy BM issues!! 

Merry's picture

I joined 7-8 years ago to figure out how to navigate what I now know is mini-wife syndrome and enmeshment with adult SD AND SS. I simply became invisible when they were around, and I felt like the other woman. I never really had the notion that we'd all be one happy family, but I wasn't expecting to be ignored or hidden either.

Then came the episode of SS's addiction and joint money flying out of our account. That was fun. Good times, good times.

In both cases, STalk helped me set boundaries, disengage, reassert myself as life partner rather than part-time partner and part-time doormat as it suited DH. His comfort is not more important than my comfort. I apply that principle in other areas of my life as well, so bonus there.

We still have the occasional issue and I still have to remind DH now and then that his kids don't control my life, but for the most part we've reached a peaceful ceasefire. I can't say I'm close to DH's kids, but we get along pretty well when we're together.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

nor a man that had been previously married, let alone going through a divorce. I was unsure on how to feel about my insecurities since I had never been married or had children, but I started dating someone who those things did not matter so much. I was also looking for what other women experience with a crazy BM, plus dealing with the whole oldest kid, isn't my bf's biologicaly and BM wanted to strip him of his rights to her.

I am pretty sure I googled something about dating a man with kids who is also going through a divorce and I ended up finding ST! Read blogs and such for a few days before I decided to join, then when I did decide to join and post, got a little bit of a negative reaction. Which now after being on here for over a year was to make sure I wasn't being used or delusional in terms of my relationship, bf, and the kids. Now, I feel like I receive support from people on here, but also tough love when needed and not as though I am "dad's girlfriend" who has no idea what she is talking about. Hahaha. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I have been divorced with kids for 10 years. I've dated a man with 3 minor children in the past. When i started dating SO, i knew he had 4 kids and 2 BMs. I thought it would be like the drama of my situation x 2, or like the drama of the other guy's situation, just add an extra kid and BM. I was actually prepared for a certain level of drama.

This bull crap though, it's something else. I just assumed (incorrectly) that people wanted and kept a semi-regular child custody schedule and (gasp!) mostly followed their CO. How could you plan your life without doing that? I assumed that once people were divorced for 5 plus years, they no longer wanted to see their ex every day and didn't have to talk to them multiple times daily. I mean, who would want to? You're divorced! And i get along with my ex in-laws and am even pretty good friends with my ex SIL. However, this guy's BM2 is completely enmeshed with his entire family, seeing and talking to them daily. I assumed that once kids were out of high school they no longer threw screaming crying tantrums over minor things, and once kids were out of elementary they preferred to sleep in their own beds and preferred to hang out with friends. That most kids knew how to ride a bike, tie their shoes, and cut their food by age 10. In short, i had no idea people lived this way. I don't remember what i googled but it led me here and it really opened my eyes to dysfunction and in the future i will have many more red flags to look for. 

Kes's picture

I joined 9 yrs 2mths ago, apparently!  I wouldn't have dreamt of googling "my step daughters hate me" I googled "I hate my step daughters".  I couldn't care less what the Madams feel about me - nothing's changed in that respect. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I think my google search was something along the lines of "How to stop hating my stepson", "What to do when step parents have no control", "How does a marriage survive stepkids" -- they all kept leading me here! LOL

Cover1W's picture

OP you are right on it with that post!  HA.  I do miss some of the older posters, I had such good non-sugar coated advice over the early years THAT WORKED!  And it was sometimes hard to hear but those experienced SMs knew what they were talking about!  Invaluable.

It, for me was 5.5 years ago, or was it more like 6?, I was totally fed up with SDs running over DH and lack of rules, hygiene, messes, food issues, etc.  Learned the term Disney Dad - bingo!  I already knew he was into "passive parenting" but it was deeper than that.  DH and I were talking about getting married and buying a house and I needed to understand how to deal with it = disengaging.  It took a while to really disengage, like one or two things at a time but it worked.  And still works because DH is still a passive parent (less Disney is good!) and I refuse to be the bad guy.

beebeel's picture

I joined under the name LadyFace in 2007 or 08? I had felt unappreciated for making major life sacrifices trying to do what was right for my skids and dh, and beyond frustrated dealing with the BM being a boundary stomping nutjob who demanded majority custody but never had any interest in actually parenting. I had a metric crapton of blogs spanning nearly a decade before I got the boot for not playing nice with bridge under-dwellers.

Gimlet's picture

I thought you were mean when I first joined, lol, and you ended up giving me some of the best advice I've had, then and now.   No sugar coating, but excellent and pertinent and always thoughtful.

I still chuckle over the line that I think bought you the ban.  Inspired writing, even if it was for a bridge resident.  Smile

 

beebeel's picture

I thought the same thing about others when I first joined! I was still making a lot of excuses for my DH at the time. Wink

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I remember your stories of BM's horrible hovel with the holes in the floor - I think you called it Cat Piss Hollow? And the SD who decided to be a bratty emo and needed an expensive ambulance ride to the hospital for psych eval. I'm glad you had a child of your own and now have peace. You've more than earned it.

Gimlet's picture

Agreed, ExJulie!

Succubus and Cat Hole Holler -  I think since the cats popped in and out of the cat holes.

She also tried to help SS and got nothing for her efforts, thank goodness for Toddler (Pre-schooler?) Face Smile

beebeel's picture

I think we did help SS ...by kicking his butt to the curb!! He's been at the same job for more than a year, paid off his car, and he's apparently paying rent because I don't think his roommates would tolerate freeloading. He's planned his first big, out of state trip as an adult with his buddies and airline tickets purchased. He has stopped over for dinners on Sundays now and then. I'm actually pretty proud of him these days and I'm so glad he didn't boomerang back to bm's.

Gimlet's picture

Oh wow, I didn't get that update, that's great!!  Sometimes that tough love is just what is needed.

beebeel's picture

Thank you! 

LOL I had nearly blocked out memories of Cat Hole Holler! (Gimlet has and excellent memory!) The hole in their old trailer would be used by feral cats, some of which bm would keep. 

The skids are 18 and nearly 20 now. CS should have ended in June, but the youngest is still finishing up some last ditch effort not to be a high school dropout. Baby face is 4!!! He's pretty awesome and I'm enjoying and trying to cherish this time in his development so much. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I must of googled something about messed up children of divorce.  I'd been reading other divorce related forums but like some of the other posters said about circle of moms, those sites just didn't click for me.  When I landed on ST I felt I was somewhere people would understand what I was experiencing and I binged on everyones blogs and forum posts.  I would literally stay up all night reading people's past posts.  It gave me huge amounts of solice that I wasn't alone (or mad).  Some of the stories made me cry but some made me laugh out loud.

I've just re-read my original blog to remind myself of where I was then mentally.  Even though I'd always been pretty disengaged, I was at the end of my tether and day dreaming about escape. (Unexpected near adult step moved in with a cronic illnes, suicidal tendencies and a full blown soap opera at BM's house)

Glad to say that 5 plus years later after some traumatic ups and downs DH and I are doing well.  Sadly YSS illness took him but we'd reached a relatively peaceful place before he passed.

I owe so much to the other posters here who kept me sane and offered some great advice even if it wasn't always what I wanted to hear at the time.

I still come here everyday to read even if I don't post.  It keeps me grounded.

Thanks to all of you.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Oh, i forgot, i was reading another parenting forum and one poster was really dealing with some tough issues and was clearly in a bad place mentally. The other posters attacked her and said something to the effect of "if you want to talk like that go to steptalk." Like it was some kind of insult.  I figured i would do the same because what's the point of a forum if you can't speak freely? Why else go to an anonymous site? If i want to sugarcoat things as opposed to letting it all out i'll just talk to my friends and family. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I joined five years ago right after DH and I moved in together. I joined proactively, as I was young and didn't know what I was doing on the SP front. I didn't want to screw up, but I also wanted to be a "bonus mom" who was equally loved.

I'll be honest, I thought most everyone here was evil at first. I stuck around, though, because I saw folks were dealing with BPs similar to BM. I never realized that the situation was as common as it was, so I stuck around.

STalk has radically changed my views on SPing, but I think I'm still one of the more "pro-SK" posters, not because I don't think SKs can't do wrong, but I wholeheartedly believe that bad parenting causes 90% of problems. I have a soft spot for kids in general, which has also been a downfall of mine in steplife.

In short, nothing big and awful happened, but I credit there not being a "big and awful" (there have been bad and ugly) because of advice here.

tog redux's picture

I can't remember how I found this place - but I posted as "tog" from around - maybe 2011- 2015 or so? Left after SS PAS'd out.  I just didn't want to be thinking and talking about this stuff all the time, and the board was full of a bunch of bullies at the time, IMO.

Came back in 2018 when SS reappeared on the scene after 3.5 years of being alienated. My biggest issue was always BM and the endless court, visitation interference, alienation ... SS is pleasant on the surface, though now he's just a carbon copy of BM and I rarely see him. DH was always a strong parent.

It's nice to be able to talk about this stuff with other people who have crazy BMs.

Polar_Sun's picture

I joined a couple months ago after some very stressful days with BM demanding we took a sick kid in when we were sick ourselves (fever, throwing up all the fun stuff) and then she decided she had COVID (she didn't) and had to self-isolate (not without a high level of draaaaama). I was tired of complaining to my mom and sister so I googled "step parents forum" or something like that and found this place. 

In general I like the tough love approach, although sometimes I think some can be way too harsh. I also like it here because there is no "romanticism" about "loving your steps kids as your own", "how exes who have kids will ALWAYS love each other" or "kids are ALWAYS the top priority". I think those 3 statements prevented me from joining different groups/forums.  

For now, I feel "lucky" because the issues we have are nothing compared to some horror stories posted here. Reading what others are going through gives me perspective on how things CAN get worse (so it's better to be prepared for it just in case) and how to try to prevent them/deal with them if things really turn into a living hell. 

CLove's picture

Im 6 years in this, so working backwards, I think I googled "issues with step children", and boy did I find a lot of results including step talk!

I do not have any bios of my own, so my newbie status as a "live in GF" added to my "dont know nothin jon snow" as regards children in general made me a target...for everything steplife throws at you.

- I had easy-going disney dad enabling both BM and children.

- Boundary-busting BM

- Dirty lazy, enabled, bratty teen manipulator mean girl SD now 21.

I learned about disengagement and it was like the heavens parted and the Angels all sung. I learned about boundaries. And all of a sudden things got better, almost overnight.

We are now married almost 2 years. I have a job I love, we bought our house, SD21 is aged out of visitation and lives the moocher life at mothers, SD14 munchkin is still sweet even through pre-teen years and is always mad at her sister who would abuse her (hence her sister not liking me...) I learned how kids naturally like to play the houses against each other...I also learned about PASing as well as the credo " do not under any circumstances say anything negative about skids to parents and never under pain of death say anything negative about opposing bio parent.

I learned about mini-wife syndrom and have helped many others learn about it too.

 So - thats a tidbit about me and my steptalk beginnings.

Evil3's picture

About 7 years ago under another name (KikiDee), I googled, "do narcissists ever get what's coming to them?" I didn't even mention step in my google term but this site popped up and I was immediately addicted. I lurked for quite a while because I saw how some posters would get lambasted and I was way too fragile for that especially since I got absolutely no support whatsoever in my life.

I had been going to "secret" counselling for years only to get blamed and told "just love them to death," or "just love them with all your might," etc. I HATED my SD30 since she was about 7 and I felt so alone and evil for despising a child. Counselling never worked because I always got the blame. That is until I found Steptalk.

When i found this site, I learned what Mini-Wife Syndrome was. I learned about Disneyland Dad Syndrome. I read all about HCGUBMs. I was co-dependent, so until I found this site, I thought that DH's obsession with his kids and not being able to be all-in with me was due to my being flawed. I learned that that wasn't the case. I learned that I needed to put some blame onto DH rather than just despising my feral SKs.

I changed counsellors and we incorporate this site into my therapy. lol! I learned of ways to speak up for myself. I literally researched this site and would pull all-nighters on it for days on end. It was like crack to me. I lived and breathed Steptalk because I was learning so much and felt so validated. I learned of methods to speak my mind in ways that worked.

I often refer to my epic meltdown five years ago. However, it was a planned meltdown. I wrote a script, I rehearsed to myself and I had plans for every which way this would go. I used Steptalk to really educate myself. I knew exactly what to say in my "meltdown" and how to say it and when. I had a response for every response DH made and I stood strong during the aftermath (when DH would normally go all silent to whip me back into shape). Today, my marriage is 1000% different from what it was and DH and I run around like horny newlweds. The attention and affection I get is unreal and he puts me first even over a clingy mini-wife on steroids. I owe it all to Steptalk.

I miss some of the old members. Some of them were harsh but it was one of them that I remind myself every day of something she would say: "you accept the love you think you deserve." That one really triggered a landslide of healing for me. I remind myself of that statement every day and require what I deserve from people in my life every day.

Cover1W's picture

I often refer to my epic meltdown five years ago.... I rehearsed to myself and I had plans for every which way this would go. I used Steptalk to really educate myself. I knew exactly what to say in my "meltdown" and how to say it and when. I had a response for every response DH made and I stood strong during the aftermath (when DH would normally go all silent to whip me back into shape).

YES!  I've done this too - planned it out in my head about any particular thing I need to discuss with DH (not as much now, but I needed to set boundaries earlier on, and mid-way through, and changed them again lately for contemporary times...LOL) and anticipate his (as we know predictable) responses and have an answer at the ready that he cannot refute.  Really changed the way I reacted to him and how he listened.  He couldn't refute a lot of it - because it was true, i.e. "You never have anything positive to say, you think I'm a bad Parent" (this was just last week in actuality - regarding a response YSD had to a suggestion DH made - that he asked my opinion on!) "No, DH, I think both you and BM have issues around parenting and that you haven't allowed me to ever, ever set expectations for either SD.  So her reaction to your suggestion is a result of you and BM allowing her to always, always make her own decisions. So I'm not surprised at her answer at all."  No further conversation resulted.

Livingoutloud's picture

I was Stepdown then. In my previous life lol Many remember me.

I had some hideous stories of exYSD living with us. Just so ridiculous. It's funny now. It wasn't funny then. She is actually a doctor now in a clinic not far from me. I bet she is good. She was very knowledgeable. I talked to her few times since (I had a lot of death in my family over the past few years and she contacted me every time with condolences). And I keep on occasional touch with exOSD. My DD is friend with them on Facebook too.

I know now after being married to my DH, who puts me first, that none of what was happening in my stephe$$ was actually exSDs fault. It was entirely their dad's. I don't really have hard feelings about exYSD anymore. Well I don't give it any thought.

I think if a man puts you first then almost everything could be managed. And if a man is afraid to upset his kids, relationship or marriage will be doomed 
 

 

Livingoutloud's picture

Yes it's me. :)

Yes she is a doctor. She did her residence at a local hospital and now is a GP at a clinic. I think she is probably a decent doctor though, she was very knowledgeable. She also does Doctors Without Borders type of thing one month every summer in disadvantaged countries. She was doing  it in medical school while living with us too. Maybe she improved her social skills. Don't know.

I used to really like her until she moved in with us. She was such a mess in medical school. Omg Plugging toilets constantly. Up all night watching Korean soap operas. Eating us out of the house. Fighting with her dad all the time. And some things she used to say. The weirdest stuff. I was losing my mind. I think I was depressed because I shopped a lot and was always angry. Not good memories 

 

beebeel's picture

Omg!!! I can remember your tales of her nasty lack of hygiene. I seriously hope being in a medical setting has significantly improved that aspect. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Livingoutloud's picture

Hahaha some people knew or figured out who I was. So I assumed everyone knew. Lol it also looked to me like all old members left or were kicked out and new people wouldn't know me anyways 

I used to post a lot because I needed ton of support especially when I was deciding to leave. I don't post much about myself now because there's not much to post. I sure had a ton then!!!!  forever grateful to steptalk for helping me through. 

Evil3's picture

I remember you and your stories about your SD. I can't believe she actually made it and is a doctor now.

Did she ever get a BF or meet other milestones? Also, I think I remember her crappy hygeine that you talked about..

Livingoutloud's picture

Don't know about BF. I hope so. She is gorgeous but guys would never ask her out because how immature she acted. She also had all kind of mommy and daddy issue. She'd have hard time having healthy relationships. My DD probably knows what's up with her personal life because they are friends on Facebook. 

strugglingSM's picture

I came here about 3 years ago when I had reached my limit with my 11 year old SS who threw raging tantrums and reported everything back to BM who would then throw raging tantrums. 

Now, that SS is 14 and is still a PITA who reports everything back to BM. 

In that time, BM has demanded 2 mediations over issues created in her own head and made our lives miserable. DH's family also got in on the act, because they believe that BM is a "good person" and DH just doesn't "love his kids enough". 

I now see a counselor just to deal with all the drama, but things are really good between DH and I, despite everything. I've now gotten better at distancing myself, but it's still a process. Now, I'm not just dealing with BM and overly dramatic SS drama, I'm also dealing with MIL and BIL drama. Just counting down the days until we can move far, far away. 

ItsGrowingOld's picture

In 2009 I googled psycho ex wife and ended up here. BM was trying to sue me and get my financials because she "just knew" DH was hiding income through me.  Phfft!!  When that didn't work out for her, BM and her Alcoholic husband ended up PASing DH's daughters.  Then all of them moved 1300 miles away in 2011.  BM, her DH and the girls (now 22 and 24) all have varying degrees of NPD.  They still live 1300 glorious miles away.  It sucks for DH having his daughters so far away and is great for me.  I disengaged years ago and haven't looked back once.  I'm indifferent to it all and I like it that way*smile*