You are here

OT - It takes one to know one

advice.only2's picture

My Aunt is a SM and last week her husband (20 years her senior) passed away after being in poor health for many years. She currently lives in the state where his children reside so they could be near the grandchildren. With him now gone my Aunt is moving back to our state so she can be near her family.

My Aunt has been in her SK's lives since they were kids. I always though she was the coolest Aunt because she would do all these fun creative things and I was jealous she wasn't my mom. I remember when the the skids would come visit over the summer she would re-create holidays so they could have them with their father. I was always jealous....but you know the drill, the skids hated her and could have cared less.

I was talking with my Mother the other day and she was telling me about how the SS is causing a stink because he didn't want his father's ashed interred until he can throw this huge family party. With the whole COVID that won't happen for a couple of months. My Aunt told him she wants her husband's ashes interred now so that she can start preparing to move. They argued a bit over it and he finally allowed her to inter her husband's ashes. My Mother was also telling me about how the skids are all okay with their mother's new boyfriend who they just met, yet they can't even be civil to my Aunt who had been with my Uncle for 20 plus years. I just laughed and told her my Aunt and I would have a lot of things to talk about when she gets here. My Mother sort of pulled a face and I told her it was nothing personal, but unless and until you have been in the SM trenches you really can't understand. I know she didn't like that since my Mother likes to think she knows everything, but reality is she will never understand what it's like to be a SM.


hereiam's picture

Thank God that your aunt is moving away from them and closer to her own family.

Her SS really had some nerve. I'm glad that she stood up to him.

advice.only2's picture

Right, like he had any right to tell her what to do with her husband's ashes! She allowed him to collect some of his own ashes before she had the rest interred and offered his other two children to do the same and neither of them responded to her.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am so glad that her SS "allowed" her to inter her husband of 20+ years. Goodness the entitlement won't ever end, will it?

You and your aunt will have lots to talk about, I'm sure. If she has any good survival tips- let us know! LOL She sounds like a great SM who really cared and tried. 

advice.only2's picture

Exactly!! I tried to explain to my mom about what a GUBM is and she just looked at me blankly, lol.

queensway's picture

This is a blog that should make all us step moms think. I can tell  you loved your Aunt. So sorry for her loss. Hope she is finding some peace along the way.

advice.only2's picture

She's doing okay, he was sick for a long time and she was his sole caregiver. I think she's relieved he's no longer suffering and she's itching to move, but with lockdowns its slowing stuff way down.

CLove's picture

But glad that she is finally free of those entitled jerks.

You will be a wonderful support system for her when she has the ability to move.

advice.only2's picture

Thank you for that, I love her we call her the crazy Aunt, but she's just a hoot.

advice.only2's picture

Thank you for that, I love her we call her the crazy Aunt, but she's just a hoot.

SteppedOff's picture

The information your aunt will share will be interesting. Hoping everything will go as planned for her move back near family. That will be the best situation for her from what you have shared.

I have many times thought on the what if’s if my husband should pass first. Even though things are airtight, they can still wreak havoc and make an already difficult situation harder and their greed be no further ahead.

It is do true that people cannot understand how most of us here have to deal with family life. It is so out there that normal, reasonable people can’t relate to what we go through. I have wondered if some even believe the antics and total dysfunction. I know 15 years ago before this I would have also questioned hearing some of the situations I have been through. 

‘Best wishes for your aunt!


advice.only2's picture

Lol right like a wine and chat night! Then my mom can just sit there in disbelief while we go no holds barred.

MurphysLaw's picture

AO2 you are going to be an unbelievable blessing to your beloved Auntie!

Thank Goodness you will be there for her, just being able to tell her stories to you, and you without judgment say "Girl, that ain't nothing..listen to this one!" She will be able to laugh at the hurt that trash caused her.

Glad she's coming home.

strugglingSM's picture

Your aunt shouldn't have even had to consult with her SS over when *her husband* would be buried. I love it when children feel entitled to play the role of the spouse because "they were around first". 

My DH had a step-grandmother. The woman was married to his grandfather for 25 years. She cared for him before he died (not MIL or her siblings). He left everything to her in his will (honestly not sure how much there even was since they both lived in a nursing home / assisted living for years before he died). It's been over 10 years since DH's grandfather died and MIL is still talking about "the inheritance" she missed out on. She's also completely dismissive of her SM, portraying her as a golddigger and saying "my father just didn't know how to live alone!" Well, then MIL, shouldn't you be thankful that another woman was happy to move in and take care of him, so he wouldn't have to live alone? It's not like you offered to take him in. 

The SM lived for nine years after DH's grandfather died, but no one from his family ever talked to her ever again after he died, even though she had been a grandmother figure and had been in ther lives for 25 years. 

I told DH that MIL is being petty because she doesn't even know how much money was left when her father died. Also, she's assuming her father was tricked, instead of making the decision consciously. Maybe her father felt a sense of obligation to provide for his wife? Isn't that a good thing? MIL will say, "she never worked a day in her life" and I point out to DH that she was born in the 1920s and a lot of women born in the 1920s didn't work a day in their lives. 

Just another reason for me to avoid MIL....not that I needed any more. 

advice.only2's picture

God that annoys me! It's like what vultures! Yes dismiss she was his wife and partner and only worry about the money.

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, advice.only2,

Your post made me smile with pleasure! (First time today, I'm spring cleaning.) Imagining your Aunt escaping indifferent, bullying skids to return to the bosom of her family would make any one of us STers grin, guaranteed.

These steps can be almost inhuman, in the way that they behave towards their bereaved stepmothers. My sister, who babysat most weekends for her 3 SDs, was brutalized by them when their father died. They even tried to make her homeless, these girls whom she had loved and supported for many years. My stomach still clenches at the memory.

I’m so glad that your Aunt is able to put serious distance between her good self and those graceless skids!



Aniki's picture

I'm sorry for your aunt's loss of her husband, but glad she's moving where she will be loved and wanted!!!

I never knew my paternal grandmother. She passed away when my Dad was 8yo, leaving my grandfather a widower with 6 children. He remarried over a year later. She was never Mrs... or Stepmother. She was 'Ma' or 'Äiti'. She loved my Dad and his siblings and they loved her. When Grandpa passed, there was no question that she would remain in the family home as long as she wanted/was able (family tradition was the oldest son - my father - inheriting). When it was clear she could no longer care for herself, she went to live with my aunt (a nurse).

I grew up with step grandparents and step aunts/uncles and step cousins and adopted cousins/nieces/nephews and foster siblings. My first set of stepkids was wonderful. I'm still in touch with them and their children call me Grandma. I never questioned any of them NOT being my family; they simply ARE.

It wasn't until my second go 'round on steplife that I learned about all of the horrors people (and I) endured. Sad

advice.only2's picture

Aniki that is beautiful and how it should be! I have an Aunt who is my Aunt only by marriage, after my Uncle divorced her, she was still my Aunt and her new husband is now also my Uncle.