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Crying in the bathroom

acef92's picture

Yesterday DH picked up SD12 it was 9 pm. I told my husband two days ago if we could watch some serie on netflix, ok tomorrow (yesterday). When he arrived home I asked him are we watching this serie? and he answer "Does SD can watch it too? I mean is appropiate for her age? WHAAAAAAT, I was already pissed, of course I told him that she could watch something else in her room. 

In seconds he chose a movie (kids movie), I was speechless, took my phone and went downstairs to cry literally. This girl is ALWAYS in my room, all the freaking day, all the nights that she stays here apparently is mandatory to watch a movie with her in our room. I'm so over this situation. I was in the bathroom crying and DH send me a message "where are you? what are you doing?" I wanted to say a lot but I just answer "I want to be alone". I wanted to close the room door, he never closes the door when SD is around because what if she needs something or whatever so I told him that I have no privacy and he told me "safety is first than privacy"......

He knew something was wrong of course he knows all the time, he was playing the victim and he was no talking to me at all. I can't talk with him about this situation because he always takes things about SD really bad, he never wants to see the truth, SD is an angel and we are all wrong. When I try to talk about something about SD that involves me he got really mad, he stop talking to me for days and things go always worst, he does not do anything about it because you know daddy guilt. 

I know is some stupid situation but I felt like something is broken inside me, I felt so sad, like I'm less and not important enough.

I know you will say oh you need to talk about this or stop this situation, but I CAN'T, I've tried over and over and is impossible. 

Thanks for reading :) 

 

Comments

ndc's picture

Have you tried marriage counseling? Perhaps a counselor could help get your concerns across and help the two of you communicate on the topic of SD. You feeling broken and unable to talk to him about it can't continue - it'll kill your relationship.

acef92's picture

I went to therapy alone, but to be honest the person who needs therapy here is him. I talk to him about marriage counseling but he doesn't want to because apparently the person who is wrong about this is me

futurobrillante99's picture

Ace - this is not true.

If you're crying in a bathroom like you were last night, YOU need therapy to learn why you're allowing this to happen, why you can't seem to set boundaries with this man, and if you can't, why you STAY.

He probably does need therapy, but so do you.

Evil4's picture

He doesn't want to go to counselling because he knows the counsellor with call him out and tell him what a crappy parent and husband he is. 

ESMOD's picture

I don't know your story so not sure how much custody your SO has.

Is she 50/50 in the home?  EOWE? or some other amount?

If she is 50/50 or less.. I think you will need to accept that her presence in your home will mean that while she is there.. you are going to be sharing your time with your SO.. Not saying you won't have a moment alone.. but she is there to be with her dad.. to be parented by him.. to bond with him.. all that stuff.  

I would be expecting that watching "adult themed" shows might be better planned for nights she isn't in the home.. since he seems to want to spend time with her while she is there.  I'm not saying that you and he could "never" plan an adult activity while she is there.. but if she is not in your home a majority of the time.. it seems reasonable that he would prioritize spending time with her for the brief space of time she is in the home.

If she IS in the home closer to 5050 to FT.. then he needs to do a better job of prioritizing his time and ensuring that he is not ignoring his relationship with you.. in favor of putting all attention on his daughter.. and not encuraging his child to be a little bit independent.

But.. ultimately, if you are unable to come to terms with the fact that you will most likely have to experience a sharing and compromise due to his other obligations to a child.. then it may not be the right relationship for you.  

missgingersnap2021's picture

You beat me! I was writing the same questions as you at the same time! Smile

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I get that she has to share her home, but, her bedroom? Is she obligated to share her bed with this 12-year-old? I say no! 

acef92's picture

Normally she stays with MIL because both of her parents work all day, and DH everyday go to MILs house and take her to her mother, since covid started a year ago she stays with us almost all week, I live in hell since then lol. I know she is here to be with her father but I think they can do it out of my room because is my space. Also I think there has to be time fo everyone, nothing will happen to her if some nights she sees a movie in her room while we are watching something in our room, personally I think there has to be a balance.

missgingersnap2021's picture

OK a lot of questions - How often is SD there? How long have you and DH been married? When SD is there is it a rigid visitation schedule or is it all over the place so you never have a heads up of when she's coming? How many TVs do you have in your house and where are they?

I can tell you that I never ever make plans with DH on the days that SD is here. We have shows we like to watch together but we don't watch them on the nights she's here.
 

I made it a very clear rule without even having to say it out loud that SD was not allowed in our bedroom. Like I said I didn't even have to say it out loud because DH seemed to be on the same page about this. There is no reason they can't watch a movie together in the living room. 
 
Are you good at putting your thoughts down on paper? I'm much better at writing my thoughts and feelings and saying them out loud. I also found that every time DH and I would try to talk about things he would overtake the conversation,go on tangents and of course try to gaslight me so I wrote some very good letters in the past that really did work. The biggest thing was you never make it about HER you make it about HIM. One of the letters I wrote started with the words "let me be very clear. I don't have a problem with your daughter I have a problem with you and how you act when she's here"

I can also tell you that when I first met SD she was nine and the first couple years were very easy because it was like she was a little kid. The years from 12 to 15 where the hardest. Looking back I feel like DH was trying to hold onto her being a little girl and she was too. I remember one morning she came downstairs and she had to been 13 and in a baby whiny voice asked DH to make her some toast. It made me want to puke! As  soon as she got her period things started to change and in the past year things have gotten much much better. 
 

acef92's picture

We have been together for almost 8 years now, we married almost 4 years ago. SD stays with us almost all week due to covid and of course she has her own room with tv. I know sometimes is impossible to have plans when SD is around but since she is here all time I don't know what to do and I thinks this situation about she being in my room all day is driving me crazy the most. 

The letters is a really good idea I'm gonna try. I always say that to my DH that is not about her is about him but he always takes it wrong is like if all the world was against his daughter...

I think I'm in the hardest years, this girl does the baby whiny voice too. A year and a half ago she was an independent girl, always doing things by herself etc, suddendly she can't do anything, she is so dependent with her parents plus you know about this messages and calling situation...  

ESMOD's picture

are you saying she stays with you all week "every" week?  or does she just occasionally stay a week?

Again.. it makes some difference about what expectations your SO might have for spending time with her.

If the only tv is in your room.. that could be a problem.. but if there is somewhere else they can watch TV.. I would simply ask him if they could do that.

missgingersnap2021's picture

When you say she's there all week do you mean one week there and then one week at BM's,  or all week every week and just a couple days at her moms? 
how often a skid is at the house to me does make a big difference. 

To me if a DH has their children 50% or more then there should be no special coddling, making it all about the skids etc. If they only have them a few days a month than I do agree,and have always agreed, that plans,activities,alone time with my partner etc. kind of revolve around when she's here. She's here basically 10 days a month so I do have the other 20 for DH and I to do whatever it is we want to do.

don't get me wrong it's still sucks and I hate it. But I've just had to accept  it because it's definitely not going change until she's at least 18. I have disengaged quite a bit this past year and that has really really helped. DH and I used to have so many arguments because he was hyper defensiveness over SD and because I was just so annoyed with how the dynamic was when she was here. I can't remember the last time he and I really had any type of argument. 

acef92's picture

She is all week every week and just a couple days at her moms. The problem for me is she is always here and I just want some time for myself and some time for DH and I. Yes I know it will be difficult, I just pray this girls grows fast so she can give us some space. since I disengaged a little, DH and I we have no arguments that often about SD because I also was done about him being hyper defensive and started to ignore all I could.

futurobrillante99's picture

How big is the house? If SD gets a room all to herself, you should have the same.

If there is a third bedroom or another space with a door that's free, I would set up my OWN space in the house since your husband is forcing you to share with SD the space you already share with him. If SD gets her own room, you also need a space that's just your own. Maybe suggest since they are up each other's butts so much, SD should move in with your DH and you get SD's room all to yourself.

tog redux's picture

I know this isn't really about what show you watched, it's about him putting her wants ahead of your needs. Kick the kid out of your room, he can watch a kiddie movie with her in the living room. Set some boundaries for yourself if he won't. 

ESMOD's picture

I agree with this here.. Unless that is the only TV in the home... there is no reason why they have to be cuddled up in OP's bed.

If there is only one TV in the house.. perhaps that needs to change.. or the location needs to change so that their bedroom isn't the only entertainment room...

I was pretty firm on the "no kids in my bed" rule.

acef92's picture

She has a tv in her room. I do not want her in my room because I want privacy. At first she was the problem, always looking in my room and once my husband invited her one day to watch a movie she is always in my room because DH and I are always there and apparently she can't be a kid and do her own things in her room.

Dogmom1321's picture

I made it VERY clear from day 1 that SD what not allowed in our room. That way, even if DH cancelled any plans, or wanted to do something with SD, I still had MY privacy. 

Also, why is a pre-teen even allowed to be in daddy's bedroom? 12 y/o is definitely way too old for that. 

Lastly, "safety" wtf does that mean? Unless she has some sort of medical condition that makes it impossible for her to be unsupervised (severe epilepsy is the only thing I can think of) there are ZERO reasons why you can't have privacy in your own home. Has he never heard of knocking of the door?

Sounds like your DH never taught his daughter what constitutes an emergency during the day/night. Bleeding, throwing up, etc. absolutely! Knock away. Thirsty, saw a bug, etc. a 12 y/o can take care of that herself and needs to be considerof others. We discussed with SD that if she knocks/bangs on our door at night, it needs to be for an emergency, otherwise, it can wait until morning. She's 10. 

acef92's picture

For me was clear too but I don't know when this changed. She is 12 and she can't do anything by herself thats the problem, of course DH is the mayor problem here but all know how BPs are with that "guilt".

Apparently we have to sleep with the door open because what if she stops breathing or hurt herself or whatever in the middle of the night. I do told him well she can knock the door she is 12....

futurobrillante99's picture

WTF?! What if she stops breathing? Ummmmm, does he plan to stay awake all night with a baby monitor to listen to her breathing?

And yes. If she hurts herself, she can knock or will shout for help.

Your husband has issues.

futurobrillante99's picture

IF you know the days of her visitation and last night was on the schedule, it wouldn't be a good idea to agree to watch an adult show when his daughter is around. Doesn't matter what he said about "yeah, tomorrow." He clearly wasn't thinking about SD12 being there, assuming he's following a regular schedule.

Yes, there are other issues, but don't set yourself up for that kind of disappointment by asking him to spend time alone with you within minutes of him starting his visitation with SD12. If he's a fairly good parent and she's in school, last night was a school night and she shouldn't have been up too late. It makes sense if he JUST picked her up, he might want to spend some time with her before she had to head to bed.

The bigger issue is that your bedroom is not off limits.

If the "better" TV is in your bedroom, move it to the living room or get another "better" TV. I would explain to him that if he insists on having his daughter sit on the bed you have sex in, there won't be anymore sex happening there. Either the bedroom is yours and his private space where you're intimate or it's a public space where private things won't be happening.

Once you resolve the bedroom issue and make it crystal clear to him that it's the ONE space you expect him to keep for just the two of you, then you go there and watch the adult Netflix show by YOURSELF while he watches some kid show with his daughter in the living room or in her room.

You have to be willing to stand up for yourself even if he's a brat about it. So what if he doesn't talk to you for days. What you're asking for is NOT unreasonable.

I have 3 biokids and when I was married to their father, I had a hard boundary that our bedroom was OFF LIMITS. All kids had to knock before entering. They were not allowed to use my bathroom OR help themselves to our things. They were not to climb into bed with us. On occasion, I might have a kid watch a movie with me in my room,  but it was MY bio kid, some other person's kid. (and after 20+ years together, there wasn't much happening in that bedroom, anyway LOL). The key was that I had a say in who got to hang out in my bedroom, on my bed. No one was allowed to override that and my husband at the time wasn't keen on watching TV in the bedroom as we had a better TV in the family room and a good one in the basement.

acef92's picture

She is here all week, and last night she had to go to sleep so that's why I asked. But this girl was in my room doing anything like always and of course DH didn't want to say anything about it (daddy guilt) like good night go to sleep or whatever. I think he refuses to follow the rules, when I was a child my parents always told me that their room was private, I had no bussines there because I had to respect their space and I think that the rigth way but he refuses to raise his child like that. 

futurobrillante99's picture

For some reason you feel powerless to change anything in your home.

Until you're willing to stand up for yourself and set boundaries you're going to keep coming here telling us about your frustrations.

However, you do NOT seem to be willing to take a stand. Why is that? What are you afraid of?

I'll share with you a line from the Wizard of Oz: "You've always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself."

So, for a time you will keep coming here in frustration and pain, and then one day you'll realize you have the power and have had it all along. It's just that you're not willing to bear the cost of standing up for yourself - the upheaval of your life, your husband punishing you with anger and silence, possibly moving out if he will not budge. But, if you risk the upheaval of your life, you could find a life that is peaceful and joyful.

It's up to you, Dorothy.

acef92's picture

You are right. I ve been thinking lately that I'm afraid of him making me feel like trash or like I'm a bad person etc. He knows how to make me feel bad. I used to be a strong person but I don't know when I became a weak one. I know I have to defend myself and in this case my space but it disappoints me that my husband is always super defensive about SD I can't even tell a thing because he is already mad at me and making me feel bad. I tried and tried but this looks impossible sometimes. Thanks you so much for your words and thanks for that line I needed it <3

ESMOD's picture

Look.. it does depend upon your presentation of  things.. you can say things one way.. and it will be fine.. if you focus too much on "her".. and "her" issues.. it can appear to be an attack on his child.

You could start by saying that you need to feel like your room is your own sanctuary with him.  That you did not grow up being allowed into your parent's room and that it makes you uncomfortable that his daughter is allowed free access to what you have always considered "adult space".  There are plenty of other places where she can be.. and where he can spend time with her.. that your  room and especially your bed is no place for a child.. any child.

 

futurobrillante99's picture

I've been where you are and I had to LEARN that someone can only make us feel bad if we let them. Once you LEARN what is your responsibility and what is not, you'll be able to say, "I do NOT feel bad about standing up for myself. Your actions and behavior and happiness and peace are YOUR job. My actions, behaviors, happiness and peace are MY job. Also, your child is YOUR job, not mine."

https://medium.com/@aravindjk/how-the-circle-of-control-affects-the-inte...

Once you understand what falls into your circle of responsibility, you need to construct boundaries. You take charge of your own happiness and peace. You will learn to stop and examine what someone else is offering you and discern if that fits your needs for happiness and peace.

For instance, in my relationship, my SO and I had discussed me splitting time and eventually moving up to his house in the mountains over the next year or two. In the meantime, I was going to rent out my bedroom in my house so my mortgage would be paid and I'd have the financial flexibility to save for an early retirement while sharing the house he owns locally during the transition.

We have not made any formal commitments (engagement/marriage), so I am cautious about becoming emotionally or financially invested in the long term plan to move up to his recently purchased home. We are not ready for that kind of commitment, just yet.

I had some anxiety at the prospect of moving into his local house and splitting my time between there and the new house. I would essentially become a nomad. My bedroom at home would be rented to a stranger. I would be working in the basement of my home but laying my head in houses that belonged to someone else without my personal things around me.

I know myself well enough that I know it's my job to meet my needs first and foremost. I have a need for a HOME. Not just a house. Hell, I own 2 houses, but the other one is fully rented and I was about to rent out my bedroom in the other one.

I put the brakes on moving into SO's local house because he's moved a considerable amount of his furniture and kitchen up to the new house. His house is sparse and it's not "home." He would also be gone 1/2 the time up at the new house. His new house is also not my home.

So, I decided to shelve the idea of renting out my bedroom. I painted it and am moving my furniture back into it because it's MY JOB to create my HOME.

If your husband doesn't care about your need to feel at HOME, it's YOUR JOB to create a home for yourself either within the house you share, or somewhere else.

ndc's picture

Why would you want to be with a man who knows how to make you feel bad and USES that knowledge to do exactly that?  Why would you want to be with a man who you're afraid of - even if it's not fear of physical abuse, you shouldn't have to be afraid that your husband will make you feel like trash.  This doesn't sound at all like a marriage of equals, and if you used to be a strong person, then something, or someone, is beating you down.

What keeps you from walking away from a relationship with a man who doesn't prioritize you and you can't discuss your legitimate needs with because he might make you feel like trash?  (I'm not at all suggesting you walk away, I'm just asking why you haven't - is it financial dependence, love, fear, inertia?)  Sometimes just knowing that can give you some clarity and clues as to what you should do.

 

Winterglow's picture

WTF does your dh think could happen to his princess that he needs to keep the bedroom door open? FFS... She can walk, can't she? Knows how to knock on a door, doesn't she? WTF is he scared of? Maybe he's scared that you'll want sex while she's there and he's terrified she might hear. Gasp. Shock. Horror. I suggest you buy him a baby monitor so he can listen to her snore and you can close your bedroom door. 

Also, put your foot down about keeping her out of your bedroom. Make it uncomfortable for your idiot husband. Start leaving sex toys about. Wear skimpy lingerie. Get imaginative. 

acef92's picture

This man is crazy believe me. He thinks maybe she will stop breathing or hurt herself in the middle of the night and not be able to walk to our door or if she can't scream and she whispers we wouldn't be able to hear her. Is driving me crazy and let me tell you if we are togheter in the bathroom, he taking a shower and me doing some skincare we can't talk to each other because what if she hear that we are together in the bathroom LOL! and there is more. Can you believe it? I can not and I have talked to him over and over and he gets defensive as hell. 

Tried out's picture

said!

Winterglow's picture

He seriously needs help... 

Sounds like he's treating you like a roommate to shield her from the world of grownups. Does he imagine that she doesn't know about sex? 

Good grief, get him a trundle bed so he can sleep in her bedroom and keep an eye on her. I mean he might as well assume his creepiness and go the whole hog. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. 

Maybe ask his mother if sd was seriously ill or injured when she was small. When she asks why the question, tell her what you've told us and that you were wondering what caused it. Might be a game changer when she rips him a new one.. 

acef92's picture

She was not, we used to sleep with the door close, but this changed a year and a half ago, a person he knows told him that this persons niece passed away because she stoped breathing while she was sleeping, of course we don't know if this girl had healthy problems or what was the reason and he freaked out. I think BPs are overprotecting her. I know the problem here is him, they don't let this child to grow, she doesn't act like a 12 year old.

Winterglow's picture

This is off the board crazy. If you start thinking like that you are going to seriously stunt the kid's development. Is he ever going to let her drive? Do sports? Go swimming?  Cross the road alone? The chances of accidents is much higher than of dying in your sleep at 12yo... And we teach our kids how to avoid accidents, how to cope. He isn't allowing her to develop coping skills. I actually feel sorry for this child. 

Winterglow's picture

I'd still talk to his mother about this because you shouldn't have to keep this to yourself. You need to let other people know seeing as he is hellbent on killing his marriage. 

Winterglow's picture

That doesn't explain why you're not allowed to speak in the bathroom... Are you allowed to speak in the bedroom? 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

She loves to watch Keeping Up with Kardashians and Japanese Anime. I am not into either. We do not watch tv in the bedroom. I want to watch what I want in my room and she watches what she wants in her room. She doesn't hang out in my bedeoom ever and I don't hang out in her bedroom.. we both need our privacy. Privacy is a form of safety. 
We do have a common interest of video games so we do set some time together to play Luigis Mansion together in the living room. It's what she and I do together to bond. 
 

She is my own kid and I don't want to watch kid movies in my bedroom at 9 o'clock at night. 

acef92's picture

I think the same thing, I have always think everyone need their own privacy for a good mental health. Im aware that there is time for everyone sometimes together and sometimes alone but always respecting others and that is what I'm trying to do here but apparently DH and SD does not undertand what respect and privacy means.

PetSpoiler's picture

She's 12 and I'm assuming mobile.  I didn't like my SS being in my room either.  He had a tv in his room and could also watch TV in the living room.  I set that boundary with dh at the beginning, before SS came to live with us.  He had no reason or business in my bedroom.  That was my space where I could get away from him!!  Dh put up a small fuss but it had less to do with SS and more to do with other family in general.  He was raised in a household that didn't do privacy.  He was allowed in his mother's room whenever.  There was no privacy whatsoever.  He did respect it though and later came to see that he enjoyed privacy too.  SS was just fine not being given free access to my bedroom and your SD will do just fine too.  Your guilty dad husband needs to get over it.  

I get that she's his bio so he probably isn't bothered about sharing space with her.  My dh probably felt the same with SS, like what's the big deal.  But when it isn't your blood relative it's different.  I felt like my home was being invaded when SS moved in. I certainly didn't want him in my bedroom, my private space reserved for me and my husband.  I didn't and still don't feel that way with our bios.  They have both at one time or another slept in the bed with us, they use our bathroom, and neither one of us mind.  But they are both of our children.  It's different from steps, or some neighbor kid.  Would he want the neighbor's kid in his room watching movies or just being in his bedroom all the time?  That's how it is for you.  He might be quite fond of the neighbor's kid, but that doesn't mean he'd want his bedroom taken over by said kid. 

acef92's picture

My DH was raised in a home when there was no privacy or respect for parents space or things. Unfortunately MIL was not there to raised her kids so I think is part of the problem too. My husband is so overprotective about SD if you see it you won't believe it, he has a HUGE guilt about this kid but I do not understand why. And I think you are right is not the same because of course she is not my child and I don't feel comfortable she being in my room all day. 

Harry's picture

Not a SD problem.   She should not be allowed in your bedroom.  Two, you can lock your Bedroom door. I am sure she can text if she needs something.   Since most likely her phone is part of her hand.   
You can have some alone time.  At 12 YO. She can watch age appropriate movies. I am sure she knows a lot from her school friends 

Your DH is just a bad parent. He is trying to keep her a baby not a well adjusted teen 

acef92's picture

Of curse he is a bad parent in so many ways. He needs to stop this situation but he doesn't want to, this girl is so immature thanks to his and BMs actions....

Thumper's picture

I am still trying to guess why she is arriving at 9pm? DH works until 8pm?

Here is a new house rule.

KIDS GO TO BED, their own beds at 9pm. AT 9pm begins adult time.

Is that something you can tell dh?

About dh's niece? who passed away in her sleep. I am so sorry. Would it help if you suggested his daughter have a complete physical? WHY did she pass away and is the cause something that is genetic?

Finally, do you want to continue this marriage based on the way things are right now, not how you dream they would be.

(((HUGS)))) it is ok to cry once in awhile.

acef92's picture

They arrived late because MIL lives near BMs house, so they go visit MIL. SD put her own bed time until 10:30 pm. This is totally fault of her parents. 

Was not my DH's, was a niece from a person DH knows, we never knew that girl but I'm sure she had healthy problems, DH is overreacting, SD will be ok and she is in perfect health.

Thank you so much <3

bananaseedo's picture

Yuck.  I'd play fire with fire.  Since he is ok w/her invading YOUR privacy, and she's ok stepping into your territory, turn it around.  When she goes into YOUR room to watch tv, take over hers. Go there, lock the door and watch what you want.  Tell them you're leaving them the matrimonial bed/room since it seems it's what they prefer and that you need as an adult woman, a private room.  I'd just move in there to make it even clearer.....move her crap to your room and take hers over.  Then make sure his family knows why you've done this as you need privacy and your husband can't give that to you.

Then start saving and move out.  

futurobrillante99's picture

I like this idea. I would surely take over SD's space. She'll likely say, "Waaaaah, but that's MY room." When she does, I'd ask her if that means you need to ask permission to use it. If she says yes, then say that the master bedroom is YOUR room and she must ask permission to use it. If your spouse doesn't back you up, move them into the same room and take over SD's room.

bananaseedo's picture

Sometimes you have to get down right childish to get your point across because otherwise they just don't get it!  It has to click...and the only way would be seeing SD unhappy and uncomfortable with you not asking permission to use HER room and stuff/tv.  I'm putting money on the fact that her SD will get it WAY before her DH does and then her and SD can just chat and agree to the new rules.  SD will likely be much more understanding of your arrangement.  Sometimes bringing in useless guilty daddys to 'fix' things between SP/SKID is useless and accomplishes nothing. There are times the two can speak together and come to a better outcome then guilty daddy in the middle.

There was plenty of times SD and I had our own sit-down chats or arguments, even outright fights- Disengagment isn't always 100pct all of the time and in all cases. I could disengage and engage when I really needed to, it affected me and it was a change I expected from her.  I think in the end she respected me more then me hiding behind daddy for every rule/direction given to her.  

It was HELL from ages 8-16....by age 17 it started getting much better.  Now she is 20 and out of my hair and we are totally fine when we see eachother-which granted isn't too often.  But we are fine. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I agree with above. I would make my point in the most dramatic way possible to both of them. Since they are being ridiculous, I would be equally as ridiculous.

I would take all SDs things and move them in DHs room. Take all your things and move them in SDs room and say to both of them that they can share a room and SDs room is now your room.

I would refuse any intimacy with DH. I would let them both know that you are being supportive of them wanting to spend time together and you expect them to understand that you like privacy and your own space and the expect the same respect in return. This is now your room and your personal space.

I would not discuss the issue with either of them until they both came to me. DH agreeing that the bedroom is off limits and if he wants to spend time with SD it will be in her room. SD agreeing to respect your space and privacy.