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AC's picture

I haven't posted in a long time....but I am so frustrated and disappointed this weekend that I need to vent.

New ladies out there that are just getting in the situation that most of us are in - RUN, RUN, RUN as fast as you can. There are thousands of wonderful man out there without a package. Things don't ever get better - pkease don't fool yourselves like I did (and others).

If I only could do it all over again.....I wouldn't be blogging here. Hugs to everyone.

Comments

Rags's picture

AC,

Sorry to hear that you are having a bad weekend. However, I have to disagree with your RUN, RUN, RUN advice. True, blended family situations and Skids can be difficult. There are psycho XW/XH's out there. But, having a great marriage and being a good Mom/Dad to a kid that may not get it anywhere else can be very fulfilling.

I have been SF to my now 16yo SS since before he turned 2yo. He is an only child in our home so I have not had any bio-kids to dilute my SF experience. His SpermDad is an idiot with four out of wedlock spawn by three different wombdonors. (my SS is the oldest) My wife and SS moved out of state when she finished high school to attend college and never looked back. My Lovely Bride and SpermDad were never married.

It has not been easy but it has been fulfilling. When my SS calls me for advice rather than his Spermdad. When he calls when he is on visitation to SpermLand to ask me how he should deal with his "Dad" and SpermdonialGrandParents when they are being the toothless idiots that that are, I know I have made a difference in his life. His mom and I saved him from that life and gave him the world.

Just some thoughts.

I hope it gets better for you.

Good luck and best regards

The Principlist's picture

for putting it so truthfully. SPing is not all doom and gloom. I don't feel that SDs have it any easier than SMs. Turmoil is turmoil no matter what your sex. Yes this road is long and treacherous and hard, but there are some bright moments. Some more so than others. I wonder if when people can't see beyond the experience if the relationships were doomed to begin with. You know each relationship brings its own unique challenges whether there are kids/skids or not. THere are a host of other issues to fight about like finances, job security, cheating and whatever else that may doom a relationship. This is not to negate anyone else's experiences as I can't tell you how to feel about your situation. Some may feel the need to run and some may feel the need to stay. Each person does so based on a host of other things that are going on. I believe that it is never only one little thing that ends a relationship. It is usually several thins that lead to the big break-up because let's face it if it were only one thing wrong with our relationship and 99 things right, odds are we would stay and figure how to deal with it (the one thing). To all of you who are suffering, I am very sorry that such is the case and I can only hope that you do what is best for your family and situation. In any event, GOod luck.

Step Mother's Motto this week is:

You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.

Rags's picture

Princ,

Thanks for the response.

The following SPBoR was posted on another Step Parent community I belong to. I find it useful when discussing Stepping issues with my wife, son or with the SpermDonor.

Step-parent Bill of Rights

1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

Of course the key to a tolerable if not enjoyable Step/blended family experience is the relationships. I guess I am stubborn enough not to allow my relationship with either my wife or son(step) to fail. Ground rules and consistency help. I blend it with a significant level of enjoyment when I "tweek" SpermDads tail. Vindictive I know, but fun none the less. I never bad mouth SpermDad in front of my SS. I let SS develop his own opinion of his SpermDonor and the SpermFamily. Fortunately he is a sharp kid and sees reality pretty clearly. He loves them but has little respect for their decision making ability.

I committed to he (SS) and his mom (my wife)that I would never prevent him from having a relationship with his SpermDad. We have even paid 100% of visitation travel costs occassionally when SpermDad could not though we are only liable for 50%.

In less than two years we will no longer be liable for travel expenses though SpermDad is on the hook for CS until my SS finishes college or turns 21 which ever comes first. I am not sure if I will pay travel once my SS finishes high school. I guess it depends on how vindictive I am feeling at the time visitation may be in order.

Best regards,

Roselin's picture

Not that I want to discount what any stepdad does or how hard it is, but I think having a Stepmom is harder for kids psychologically than having a Stepdad - at least that is what the counselors and lots of people say. The dynamics are so different. And SM's are easy to villain-ize. How many stories do you see with the evil stepfather?

My SD was great with me early on. I thought we had a good relationship and was shocked to find out how awful I was in her eyes and how willing she was to tell anyone who listened how her life has been hell since the day she moved in with us... Yikes. I'm thankful her mom came back since I think SD, regardless of how awful she thinks her mom is, needed her mom to rescue her. Maybe that will heal her abandonement issue. And, too, she said when she was much younger that when her dad married me, she knew that her mom and dad would never be together again. I really think that is the hope of lots of kids. And darn it, us stepmoms spoil it. Anyway, it is complex and hard and I wouldn't do it again.

Catch22's picture

I think you can look back and say "I wouldn't do it again" but I don't think advising anyone else not to do it is fair. Some people have had wonderful SP experiences, I am not one of them either. We have all had our bad deal, some more than others. But each persons bad experience is the worst because they had to endure the heartache.

Rags you make some really good points and I am sure you are a wonderful S/dad!! Sounds like you and SS have a great relationship. My SS and I have had a hard road and after 3 years I figured it was never going to change but here we are 4 years later and things are starting to get better. Slowly but hey I'll take what I can get! The kid wanted it to be mum and dad or fail that him and dad, I don't blame him for wanting that, maybe he just needed time to realise this is the way it is.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

BabygotBack1988's picture

i dissagree i found it harder having a step dad than a step mom with a step mom i found i had some one to talk to. look up to i do not mean i do not look up to my mum but when your a kid you try so har not to be so i well befriended my step mom